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Bush vows to: "If elected for a second term, I will end the scourge of kidney thieves, once and for all!"
"Jerry Mayfield of Austin Texas can tell you about the horror of kidney theft, as he told me: ‘the crime begins when a business traveler goes to a lounge for a drink at the end of the work day. A person in the bar walks up as they sit alone and offers to buy them a drink. The last thing the traveler remembers until they wake up in a hotel room bath tub, their body submerged to their neck in ice, is sipping that drink. There is a note taped to the wall instructing them not to move and to call 911. A phone is on a small table next to the bathtub for them to call. The business traveler calls 911 who have become quite familiar with this crime. The business traveler is instructed by the 911 operator to very slowly and carefully reach behind them and feel if there is a tube protruding from their lower back. The business traveler finds the tube and answers, "Yes." The 911 operator tells them to remain still, having already sent paramedics to help. The operator knows that both of the business traveler’s kidneys have been harvested.’"
"My fellow Americans: I submit to you — we cannot allow innocent American traveling salesmen to be lured to hotel rooms and stripped of their kidneys. Kidney theft — after that tall Arab guy with the two dozen wives and the turban whose name I can’t remember — is the most diabolical threat facing America.
"If you don’t believe me, your President, just listen to the chlling tale of Patty Radford: ‘Yes, this does happen. My sister-in-law works with a lady that this happened to her son’s neighbor who lives in Houston. The only "good" thing to his whole story is the fact that the people doing this horrible crime are very in tune to what complications can happen afterwards because of the details precautions they take the time to set up before leaving the room. The word from my sister-in-law is that the hospital in Las Vegas (yes, Vegas) prior to transferring him back to Houston stated that these people know exactly what they are doing. The incision, etc. was exact and clean. They use sterile equipment etc. and the hospital stated that other than the fact that the victim looses a kidney there has not been any reports of other complications due to non-sterile, etc. tactics that were used.’"
"If you have listened to my opponent, John Kerry, you would have heard nothing about kidney theft, and no plan for ending this dastardly assault on Americans’ internal organs. 8 years ago, he said he was against kidney theft; 7 and 1/2 years ago, he flip-flopped and claimed kidney theft was just another ‘urban myth,’ whatever that is. But rest assured — when I am reelected President NO American will have to face the horror of coming to consciousness in a tub filled with ice, and learning from a 911 operator that his kidneys have been stolen. This will not happen on my watch."
In closing, Bush remarked that after 4 years as President, he believed he was "thicker, longer, and possessed greater stamina" than he did 4 years ago. He also vowed to assist Nigerian widows in expatriating large sums of money left in African bank accounts. "As long as I am President," Bush declared, "no wealthy Nigerian widow of an embezzling government official shall ever wallow in a middle class existence." Bush’s address was met with wild enthusiasm by the delegates who, 24 hours earlier, went apeshit over Zell Millers insane bullshit.
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