This is a work in progress for an LTTE, any suggestions

[rustydog]

George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, Benjamin Franklin, Patrick Henry, Betsy Ross
All rolling in their graves.
The declaration of Independence rendered to a mere suggestion., the federalist papers some person’s idea of a joke.

How many people DIED from America’s painful birthing pangs to the horrendous error known as the Iraq War? The dead on the beaches of Normandy, In the pacific Isles and atolls, Vietnam.
“Good” war or “Bad” they were fought in the name of America and what she stood for.
Freedom, justice, honor, integrity, dignity and a system of law and order.

That has now been completely destroyed. This Nazi-Like lock-step Republican party has given George Bush the right to suspend habeas corpus, they have retroactively freed Bush of the fear of being prosecuted for authorizing and ALLOWING people to brutally torture innocent people IN OUR NAME. Yesterday this Republican-controlled legislature removed judicial process from the hallowed core of our system of government and made Bush a dictator. (How nazi-like does this have to be before you wake up?) An appallingly soiled, brutally raped corpse of a constitution was lain at the feet of George Bush yesterday. he will dance over it's grave.

Lincoln, John F. Kennedy, Robert Kennedy, Martin Luther King, great people who believed in the greatness and the rightness of a America united, a nation of laws, a system of government of checks and balances conceived so that we do not have a King George, an Adolf Hitler, Idi Amin. They so believed in this dream of America, they strove to help her reach that fleeting goal. They were brutally murdered for daring to try to make the dream come true.

Today, they must be rolling in their graves. The country that hundreds of thousands of Americans died for from Appomattox to the Streets of Baghdad just died a horrible death at the hands of Republicans.

I weep for America.

[Rabrrrrrr]

1. I have a couple ideas

CB adodthe punctuation, first, e.g., "suggestion., the" take out the period.

It also works better to write in paragraphs, not sentences all beginning on new lines.

You did it in this paragraph:

How many people DIED from America’s painful birthing pangs to the horrendous error known as the Iraq War? The dead on the beaches of Normandy, In the pacific Isles and atolls, Vietnam.
"Good" war or "Bad" they were fought in the name of America and what she stood for.
Freedom, justice, honor, integrity, dignity and a system of law and order.

Say "DIED *between*" not 'from'. 'Pacific' is capitalized, "isles" is not. I'd rewrite that line as "The dead in (name some big battle in the Revolutionary war that I don't know enough about to offer one -- maybe the guys who died of freezing in the winter whateverver that fort was?), Gettysburg, tbeacheschs of Normandy, Pacific islands..." (and yes, use the ellipsis)

The last line I would amend to: "Freedom, justice, honor, human dignity, and a system of law and order the entire foundation of which relies on an almost sacred belief in 'innocent until proven guilty'".

I don't think that calling Republican Nazis will help your argument or keep a reader engaged. Of course, you are absolutely correct - but you also want people to read the whole thing and take you seriously, not just go "God, another nazi reference. Fuck it."

In this sentence: brutally torture innocent people IN OUR NAME. I think it might be powerful to add like this: "in my name -- IN OUR NAME -- in the name of your grandmother. Is your grandmother a torturer? Well, she is now."

It's a somewhat hyper-something-or-other way to put it, but it might raise some eyebrows.


In the paragrabeginningign with Lincoln, I'd take out bobby kennedy, maybe even JFK, and start it off with Patrick Henry or whoever the guy was who said "I regret I have but one life to give".


I love this line, though I'd suggest correcting the grammar: The country that hundreds of thousands of Americans died for from Appomattox to the Streets of Baghdad just died a horrible death at the hands of Republicans.

"The country for whom hundreds of thousands of Americans have given their lives from the beginnings of our Revolution against ttyrannyany of unchecked kingship to the streets of Baghdad just died a horrible death at the hands of Republicans."

[ellenfl]

2. grammar corrections and one suggestion.

"(How nazi-like does this have to be before you wake up?)" - capitalize 'nazi'

"he will dance over it's grave." - capitalize the 'h'.

"the rightness of a America united," - change 'a' to 'an'

"they must be rolling in their graves." - change 'rolling' to 'turning over' or 'rolling over'

"The country for whom hundreds of thousands of Americans died, from Appomattox to the Streets of Baghdad, just died a horrible death at the hands of Republicans."

otherwise, i like it! well done!

ellen fl

[Rabrrrrrr]

3. And the "it's" should be "its"

Good catches!

[Rabrrrrrr]

4. So...... I guess you really weren't looking for suggestions.

:shrug:

I apologize for wasting my time.