Need wisdom for someone who has lost a child.

[Horse with no Name]

The son of a one of my friends that I work with was killed in a car accident night before last. He was 18.
Very very tragic.
My daughter has an instant messenger. She told me that there are HUNDREDS of kids that have left personal messages to this boy via their messengers.
It is very touching and very difficult to read because there is an entire community of kids hurting at this loss.
My friend doesn't dabble on the computer at all.
Would it be in good taste to screen shot all of these messages and give to her at a later date? I think she would like to know how many friends her son had and how they felt about their loss--but I have never lost a child and couldn't imagine how she would feel about this.
Anyone have any wisdom here?

[Lex]

1. I would go ahead and save those messages

and then decide if there is an appropriate time later to pass them on to his mother. Not sure how much later or when, however.

Very, very sad indeed.

[seabeyond]

2. it would be a wonderful idea. and giving it to her soon is just as good

an idea. she needs the comfort of others. she needs to know how much her son is loved. and she will look at it when she is ready. she will keep it forever and continually go back to it. that would be lovely of your horse wnn.....

on edit: when my mom died some friends wrote a poem about her. i received a couple days after. i knew it meant a lot from the people that wrote it. i wasnt ready for it and i put it aside until i was. but i appreciated what they did

[DUgosh]

3. I lost my son last year

He was 20.
I don't have any virtual messages but I have hundreds of cards, I have them in a box and I will read them at some point when I am stronger. But that time has not come yet.

[Sweet Freedom]

6. So sorry about your son

:hug:

[qanda]

7. I'm so sorry to hear about your loss

I cannot even begin to imagine your heartache and pain. I wish you peace and comfort as you continue to grieve.

[Lex]

8. So sorry, DUgosh.

Sending out some DU hugs to you. :pals:

[Horse with no Name]

10. I am so sorry for your loss

Thank you for responding. :hug:

[annabanana]

4. Show her..

When we've lost a DUer, their next of kin has taken comfort in our condolences. For an 18 y/o, it's possible that much of his social life was conducted online. If it had happened to my son, I'd want to know the people who cared and would miss him.

[Berry Cool]

5. Maybe she would appreciate seeing those messages now.

If I were you, I'd deliver them ASAP.

Why wait? Reading the words of so many, many people who loved her son may well prove to be a comfort to her and show her that she is far, far from being alone in her grief.

I haven't been in her shoes either, but I can't imagine not welcoming words of sympathy and love from people who missed my son. Yes, they will ache and hurt, but everything will ache and hurt right now.

My heart goes out to her. Remember, you don't have to say or do anything to try to make this better (no one can); all you have to do is be there with her to grieve with her. Showing her how many other people loved her son and grieve along with her can, I think, only help in that process.

on edit: If she really isn't ready to read the messages yet, she can decide that for herself. But they will be there for when she is ready if you give them to her now. And she may find that she's ready for them at a strange time in a strange place. And they will be there.

[Warpy]

9. Print the messages out

and have them bound. Ask her in a year if she'd like to have them. Then give her the book.

Right now, you're right, it's too raw. In a year, it might be a comfort.

I have two cartons of pictures and letters from my Pop. I haven't really looked at them so far. I'll sort them out on the anniversary of his death and send them to cousins if my aunt and uncles are in them.

[badgerpup]

11. Wondering...

how's this...
Save the messages. Ask her if she would like to see them, but let her know that she doesn't have to do it NOW, since they've been saved into a more permanent form.
If she does want to see them now, well and good.
If she wants to see them later, that works too.
If not...well...I'd hang on to them. She's in terrible pain right now and not thinking clearly, just hurting.
Once she gets over the worst of the shock and agony, she may change her mind...and you'll have them for her.
She may want to talk and remember her son with the kids later too...they are hurting as well.:hug:

[pansypoo53219]

12. the other day, my local NPR stations day sponsor

had a very good message.

don't fight getting old, because many never have the privilege to.


getting old does suck, but it's also a privilege.

[Robbien]

13. When DUer Khephra died

His mom said how much of a comfort it was to her to read all the threads here on DU about her son about how much he was liked and missed.

Yes, print out the comments and give them to your friend. I believe it will help.