'I'm voting Republican in November

[Oeditpus Rex]

"After a lifetime voting for and working for Democratic candidates and independents, I'm finally going to make the switch and become a Republican.

"The reasons are many, not the least of which is age. I turned 55 recently and, having lived more than half my life, I can't afford to worry anymore about the other guy. It's time for me.

"As a Republican, I can now proudly — indeed, defiantly — pledge to never again vote for anyone who raises taxes for any reason. To hell with roads, bridges, schools, police and fire protection, Medicare, Social Security and regulation of the airwaves.

"President Bush has promised to give me more tax cuts even though our federal government owes trillions of dollars to its creditors. But that's someone else's problem, not mine. Republicans are about the here and now, and I'm here now.

"As a Republican, I can favor exploiting the environment for everything she's got. No need to worry about quaint notions like posterity and natural legacy. There are plenty of resources left for everyone, and if we don't use them, someone else will.

"I want a party that doesn't worry about things before we have to. Republicans refuse to get hog-tied by theories such as global warming, ozone depletion, fished-out oceans and disappearing wetlands. The real problems — if there are any — aren't forecast to take hold for at least 50 years. So what do I care? I'll be dead.

"As a Republican, I can swagger and clamor for war �— in Iraq, Afghanistan, Colombia, wherever — even though I've never fought in one or even been in the military. I can claim that we're fighting for democracy, ignoring reports of torture at Abu Ghraib, Bagram Air Base and Guantanamo Bay, and a spreading gulag of secret detention centers around the world.

"Freedom, as every American should know after spending $300 billion for wars in Afghanistan and Iraq, isn't free.

"As a Republican, I can insist on strict moral values when it comes to sex and ignore the growing moral chasms in business, politics, sports, journalism and the leadership of the Roman Catholic Church.

"A society that loses control of its sexual urges faces unwanted pregnancies, socially transmitted disease, broken families. Those overzealous about wealth, however, produce only a higher GDP, lifelong security for their family and more minimum wage jobs for the lower classes. What's wrong with that?

"As a Republican, I can favor strict punishment of criminals, except for those who happen to be my friends or neighbors. Isn't that the very definition of community — looking out for friends and family?

"I will be pro-death penalty and anti-abortion, pro-child but anti-child care, for education but against funding of public schools. As a Republican, I'll have a better chance of getting to spout my opinions in the media, which for some reason seems convinced that since Bush was re-elected with the smallest electoral margin of any sitting president in history, liberals are passé.

"As a Republican, I'll say goodbye to 'old Jesus' and hello to 'new Jesus.' Sure, Christ started out as a liberal Jew, and look where that got him. Compassion, love and diatribes against the rich only encourage the weak and punish the most successful among us. The Jesus that Republicans worship is a muscular, decisive, pro-war crusader hard at work cleansing the world of evildoers — not, God forbid, turning the other cheek.

"My decision to become a Republican didn't come easily. For years I clung to the idea that the foundation of a democratic society was our implied social contract, each of us committing some level of personal sacrifice to the common good of all.

"I regarded taxes as dues we pay for better roads and schools, safe inspection of meat and dairy products, maintenance of parks and protection of wilderness areas. I see now that looking out for the common good resulted in shortchanging the most important element in this formula — me.

"Let Democrats continue promising the 'greatest good for the greatest number.' Republicans clearly have my number — No. 1.

"I'm sure a lot of my friends reading this will ask me, 'How can you sleep?' My answer will be, 'Who's got time? I'm busy earning money.' While they're bellyaching about rising deficits, the outsourcing of jobs and casualties in Iraq, I'll be marveling at the march of freedom in the Middle East, upticks in the GDP and the president's plan to link Social Security to the magic of the marketplace.

"As a Republican, I simply won't listen to bad news anymore. Bad news doesn't get me or my family anywhere. If you don't have anything good to say about somebody, don't say anything at all — unless it happens to be about a Democrat, of course."



— Found, believe it or not, on an AOL message board.

[alittlelark]

1. Either sarcasm x 10 or the work of a deluded mind

Unknown.

[pnwmom]

2. I think the writer just forgot one of these:

:sarcasm:

[w4rma]

3. The thing is, if you go visit Freeper boards they really do post this type

of stuff and they all ditto in agreement.

Try it sometime. Go be super sarcastic and post on a freeper board. They won't be able to tell the difference.

[Nite Owl]

8. I can't bring myself to go there

but didn't they think that Colbert was 'one of them'?

[BlueEyedSon]

29. It's the Colbert method

Did you see him with Kristol?

Colbert: "Yeah, let's invade Iran!!!!"

Kristol: "uhhhhhh.....homina homina homina..."

[tjwash]

4. I personally had a terrible accident a few months ago.

While fishing down in Florida I hooked a 100 pound Wahoo and in trying to get the damn thing in the boat the gaff slipped and went into the side of my head leaving a gaping hole.

The doctors have estimated that about three quarters of my brain leaked out into the bottom of the boat which I scooped up and have here in a jar. To make matters worse, for some unknown reason large black hairy moles have grown all over my face and hands causing such trauma that I haven’t been able to stop eating and have gained more than 200 pounds.

Since the accident I have done nothing but listen to Rush Limbaugh and Bill Oreilly, and have gained an insatiable love of large guns and an all consuming hate of Homos and Negroes. In fact all I do anymore is read NRA literature, talk about how the damn minorities are getting all the good jobs and how all the damn gay people are sodomizing our children.

I am dictating this to someone who still knows how to read and write as I have forgotten how to do that kind of liberal crap.

Screw the liberal party from now on, and god bless George W Bush, and if anyone disagrees with me I will come blow their comime-pinko liberal head off.

Yours in Christ, An X-Liberal

[Goat or Panic]

13. Oh. My. God.

n.t. :spray:

[Poll_Blind]

16. It's like 1 AM here and I just let out a terrific, bellowing laugh.

  Thank you for that! The "Yours in Christ" tore me up. I've seen that attached in all seriousness to a number of well-meaning but absolutely hateful messages forwarded to me by an elderly acquaintance who, as you might imagine, does not share the same ideology.

PB

[hyphenate]

20. 25% left?

Not! You must have forgotten the other 15% that leaked out the bottom of the boat. 10% is more like it!! :rofl:

[ArbustoBuster]

27. That's the backwash.

:D

[indepat]

23. WOW!

[grasswire]

5. slumming, are ye?

This piece wasn't written by any old "friends" of ours, was it?

[Oeditpus Rex]

9. Hey, y'gotta go where the enemy is

Y'know, so you don't have to fight 'em here 'n' stuff. :hi:

I dunno; I didn't recognize the username.

[KingFlorez]

6. It's sarcasm

[SeattleGirl]

7. ROFL!

:rofl:

[Rainscents]

10. Whoever wrote this... great sarcasm rant!

LOL :rofl:

[NMMNG]

11. Priceless

:rofl:

[InsultComicDog]

12. I love it

[wiley]

14. That IS the Republican Manifesto

regardless of who wrote it.

[oldboy101]

15. Must reading for all Republicans

Makes them see what their party is really all about.

[Habibi]

17. K & R

This would make a good reply to some of the anti-Dem spam email crap that gets sent out on a regular schedule.

[The Backlash Cometh]

18. This one made me weep because it's too close to home:

"As a Republican, I can favor strict punishment of criminals, except for those who happen to be my friends or neighbors. Isn't that the very definition of community — looking out for friends and family?

[DianaForRussFeingold]

19. OMG,The Values Of A Republican! Reminds Me Of Lieberman!

:evilfrown: Also Reminds me of this CLASSIC DAILY SHOW: The Republican Party and the Porn Industry; :evilgrin: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fWvlfCQWs_4 :smoke: :rofl:

[AllegroRondo]

21. Just one correction:

the cost of the wars in Afghanistan and Iraq just went over $500 Billion. Ouch.

[peekaloo]

22. LOL. "new "Jesus.

:kick:

[warrens]

24. Don't forget...you get to have sex with kids too...

And you can have sex with men without being gay. As Roy Cohn said, I'm not gay, I just like to fuck boys.

[IronLionZion]

25. Republicans will read that, nod their head, and agree

with everything on there. Irony is lost on Republicans.

[progressoid]

26. ...not, God forbid, turning the other cheek...

tee hee hee.

[dkofos]

28. This would make a great LTTE

[eppur_se_muova]

30. emailing this to one side of my family ...

who knows, maybe it'll "leak" out to the other side ... the ones that voted for Bu**sh**, that is.:evilgrin:

[Keepontruking]

31. I'll never grow up

Peter Pan I remember that story....it was wonderful let's all
visit. .ok children story time is over back to
life!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Circus Girl