Will there be mass suicides starting in five hours?

[jmowreader]

Yes, this is a rapture thread.

I recall at least one thread on DU--sorry, don't have time to read them all so don't feel slighted if I missed yours--about someone quitting his job so he could get right with God before he was raptured on August 22.

That's today.

I'm looking at my system clock. It's 6:58. According to the latest rapture timetable, Jesus has exactly five hours and two minutes to suck all the fundies into the heavens before the Tribulation comes to exact its justice on the rest of us.

There's one minor problem with all this: There won't be any Rapture. Tomorrow morning, I'll get up at 3am, like I always do. The streets won't be aflame. No little red guys with pitchforks will be running around jabbing people in the ass. And all the fundamentalists will still be here.

Since the fundies won't wake up tomorrow morning in Heaven--actually, if they all did get raptured tonight I think it would be more like Marine Corps boot camp reception, where you arrive at 10pm and stay up all night getting turned into something that at least looks a little like a Marine--will they want to not wake up tomorrow at all? And how many of them will really do themselves in?

I don't think there will be mass suicides, but there will be a few. There always are.

[bluerum]

1. They are green.

Little green guys with pitchforks will be running around jabbing people in the ass.

[JuniperLea]

9. Leprechauns?

I had no idea!

[earth mom]

17. No, they are little red guys with pitchforks.

:evilgrin:

[bluerum]

27. Hmmm. Maybe I DO have red/green color blindness.

[Virginia Dare]

2. I think the date actually was significant for Islamics...

but the fundies and other right-wing nut-jobs thought Iran might launch a nuclear war today.

[Missy M]

4. Could they possibly be any more stupid?

I swear if you put them all together it would be hard to come up with one brain.

[porphyrian]

20. Yes, and they will be, given half a chance. - n/t

[bigluckyfeet]

25. Please send me all your cash quick

I need a trip to Vegas.

[grytpype]

3. Why do you get up at 3 AM?

[ulysses]

5. so he doesn't miss the rapture, of course. n/t

[jmowreader]

13. Because I work from 5am to 2pm

I spend from 5am to 7am stocking shelves with my powered lift equipment.

It's the best time to move large products like full bunks of lumber, full skids of shingles, concrete, and insulation, and bundles of fence pickets because when customers are in the store you've got to close off aisles and get "spotters" to guard the area, but when the store is closed you can just get on the machine and work.

Oh, and you get less exposure to morans too. That's always nice.

[RebelOne]

22. Wish I had those hours.

My hours now are 7 a.m. to 4 p.m. and I tried to get 6 a.m. to 3 p.m., but my employer won't go for it. At least I miss the traffic in the morning, but since I am in the Atlanta area, traffic even at 4 p.m. is a bitch.

[bronxiteforever]

6. I thought Rove and Santorum were stabbing Americans in the ass?

But hey they are Satan's minions a/k/a friends of Dick Cheney:evilfrown:

[JuniperLea]

7. If the Rapture were a real deal

I'm betting no more than 20 or 30 people worldwide would meet the criteria. And the Bible tells them that no man knows the day or hour... so believing today is the day seems rather blasphemous to me!

Anyone checked that rapture ready site today?

[jmowreader]

18. I did.

It doesn't look like it's changed much.

[Warren DeMontague]

8. Those comet people cut their own nuts off before killing themselves.

One hopes these rapture nuts didn't take that drastic of a step-- talk about "whoops!"

I mean, shit, you can always find a new JOB.

[GoneOffShore]

12. Probably be a great thing if they did...

"Hey, Fundie, out of the gene pool!"

[Brazenly Liberal]

10. If they could be selective, it would help

I wouldn't mind if all the asshole morons who drive at 100 mph on the highway I have to use to get anywhere were lifted to glory. Or maybe the mooks who get in line in front of me at the supermarket and wait until the whole order is rung up before they go fishing around for their checkbooks.

But to really improve the quality of life, the ones I'd like to see go are all the numbskulls who ever buy any goddam thing from a spammer, thus making it profitable for the assholes to clog up the internet with ads for fake viagra and announcements that we've been granted mortgages we never applied for. It only takes a few of these IDIOTS to screw things up for the rest of us and I'll volunteer to pull out the chair when they have the noose set. If they took the actual spammers themselves with them, I wouldn't mind that, either.

[Mojambo]

11. Oh that's right! Today is the 22nd.

I have a Christan friend who was making some noise about this date a few weeks ago.

Man, I hope I see him later today.

[AnneD]

14. There was

a lot of traffic on the freeways, so I think the rapture is either late or a bunch of folks didn't qualify. Frankly I wish that some of these nuts that keep stirring the pot would be rapture-get them out of my hair.

[gratuitous]

15. There might be one or two folks that dumb

But the rest of them will carry on, convinced that Jesus is coming right quick and only tarried along the way. To sniff a particularly fragrant flower, perhaps, or tell St. Peter the latest knock-knock joke (the Lord of Hosts is a real sucker for 'em -- true fact!).

Anyway, living on the edge of eternity like that is a real sexy, exciting place to be. It's like Mardi Gras every day, or the day before Christmas when you were a kid. The anticipation and excitement gets you all keyed up, and every little continuance just makes the eventual pay-off all that much more gratifying.

And besides, look at the real world. What a depressing fucking place! All those wars and natural disasters and shit going on. Too big a mess to even begin to clean up. It'll be a lot better to just ignore it, and wait for the Rapture, because otherwise the prospect of having to deal with all this crap is just too much of a downer.

If this sounds like the immature thought processes of a bunch of arrested adolescents, give yourself a gold star. These people are some of the most self-absorbed narcissists you'll ever come across. All of history, indeed all of creation has been leading up to this moment, when God personally intervenes in the works to save them and them alone, and sweep their messes away.

[demigoddess]

28. my son went to church with another 12 year old boy and they came to my

house saying the world was going to end in 5 years. then everyone would be dead. That was in 1987!!!! Ihope that kid has gotten over being scared like he was on that day!!!

[Art_from_Ark]

34. I went to Bible camp back in the '70s

and at vespers one of the girls fell into a trance-like state and started screaming "Jesus is coming tonight! Jesus is coming tonight!" And my barber back then used to tell me that the Rapture would happen as soon as the Common Market (now EU) had 10 members.

[Generic Other]

16. No mass suicides, just a bunch of koolaid hangovers

Watch my flash video before it's too late:

Rapture Party Death Trip
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w2yvYR4RFVs

[calimary]

21. Damn! And I was hoping some of them would leave me their jewelry.

And maybe a full refrigerator - so I don't have to run to the store tomorrow?


:evilgrin:

[ewoden]

19. I awoke this morning to find my better half gone!!

I said to myself, "Uh Oh, I guess her holier than thou attitude was really substantive."

Turns out she was just in the head.

[RagAss]

23. haha...The Fundies are the little red devils stabbing our asses.....

[kcwayne]

24. Its already Aug 23 in the Holy Land

And since the fairy tales in the Bible were written by people in that time zone, the fundies are wrong about the Rapture, again. What a surprise.

[Turbineguy]

26. I mowed my lawn

just in case I'm here tomorrow. I'm not a fundie, but then again, I don't think St. Peter wants them anyway. I put my money on sandwich makers. When I think of heaven, I think of a good sandwich.

[Raine]

29. Gee

IF only...we could be freed from those freaks among us.

[Iris]

30. Cool! Tomorrow should be a light traffic day here in Atlanta!

[tlsmith1963]

31. A Question

I thought I once read a post here that said the Rapture isn't in the bible. Is this true? If so, those fundies are believing something that isn't in their beloved bible. Sacrilege!:evilgrin:

Tammy

[Cathyclysmic]

32. It's a string of obscure biblical verses,

woven into a twisted theological patchwork. It's all a bunch of Calvinist hooey to me- just something that the "haves" and "have mores" have used to justify being selfish and greedy in the name of Christ.

[leftofthedial]

33. we can hope

can't we?