I was raptured by accident, but then I broke the fuck out.

[WilliamPitt]

I was walking down by Fenway Park today, and came across the dude with the boards over his torso that tell me I'm going to Hell if I don't take the greasy little flyer he's handing out. I decided to take one - not because I want it, but because it'll be one less piece of crap someone else has to read, kind of my good deed for the day - and my hand touched his for a second.

At that second, that exact second, there was this eruption of white light around us. "It's time," I heard the guy whisper, and then FOOM!!! we were flying through space like that scene out of the movie 2001. "Hang on," I yelled, "wait, what, how..."

"You must be one of the 144,000," the guy told me. Before I could explain how incredibly fucking dubious that was, we were suddenly standing in a white room with 143,999 others. I was the extra, the doofus who accidentally got sucked up in the rapture wake of a guy who spends his days telling women they're going to hell for not being in the home with the kids.

Ugh. Imagine the absolute worst party you've ever been to, and then multiply that a billionfold. What a pack of insufferable asshats. I watched Pat Robertson high-fiving Ronald Reagan, watched the two of them link arms and dance around like drunken monkeys. All these rapture-ready fools were unutterably self-satisfied down on earth; up there, it was almost blinding.

Suddenly, there was a roar, and a rumbling. The clouds parted, and all heads turned. We saw Jesus leading a large group of white-clad men and women. There were the apostles, and the angels, and the martyrs. Strangely, they were all carrying violin cases. The group wrapped itself as a semi-circle around the crowd of rapturees, their faces blank, their fingers tapping the black cases.

I saw two gleaming points of light on Jesus' lapels, and elbowed my way through the crowd, through the stink of rosewater and old bible pages, to get a better look. I squinted in. On his left lapel was a button that read "Teach Peace." On his right lapel was a button that read "Kucinich for President 2004."

Oh shit, I thought, and I made my way to the very back of the room.

"HARKEN UNTO ME," rumbled the voice of Jesus. "YOU PEOPLE HAVE THOROUGHLY DISGRACED THE RELIGION OF MY FATHER. YOU HAVE PERVERTED A FAITH BASED ON PEACE AND LOVE INTO A CLUB, INTO A SWORD, INTO A SHIELD BEHIND WHICH YOU HIDE YOUR OWN GROSS HYPOCRISIES AND PERVERSIONS."

"YOU SEE THIS?" he said, holding up his left hand so the scar at his wrist could be seen. "DO YOU THINK I GOT NAILED TO A TREE SO YOU PEOPLE COULD RUN AROUND WITH YOUR HOLIER-THAN-THOU CONDEMNATIONS? SO YOU COULD SPREAD HATE IN THE GUISE OF LOVE? NO!"

Jesus looked left, and nodded to his group of saints, and looked right, and nooded to his group of saints. As one, they all opened their violin cases and pulled out gleaming white Thompson submachine guns. The crowd of rapturees audibly gasped and backed up, and I started looking for a door.

"By the way, shitheads," said St. John, "Revelation wasn't about the end of the fucking world. It was code meant for captive Judea about how to overcome and overwhelm the Roman occupation. It was about the evils of the Emperor. Beasts with 666 on their heads? That's supposed to be real? You stupid meatsacks would have done a lot better with yourselves if you'd read a few other books."

There was an incredible moment of stunned silence, and then Jesus roared, "FIRE!" The Tommy guns belched lead and the chosen spun and fell. Just then, I found a trap door in the floor. I yanked it up as bullets snapped through the air around me. Right before I jumped, the shooting began to wind down to a few execution-style head shots, and I saw Jesus talking to a dude in a red suit.

"Take them downstairs, Morningstar," said Jesus. "We have a deal."

I jumped, and the bright lights came back, and I found myself outside of Fenway again. Around my feet fluttered a few greasy flyers.

[Richard Steele]

1. You wouldn't have been able to break out...

...if any building contractors had ever made it up there.

(I kid, I kid....:hide:)

[NVMojo]

2. that Jesus would invoke righteous wrath on these asshats is a dream

I wish would come true ...in some ways.

[shadowknows69]

4. This might be self serving but

I thought you might like this one Mr. Pitt. I just posted it in a similar thread that is sinking too fast to be seen. I guess I'd call it a hippie rapture.

I was minding my own business, pulling some tubes and watching a cheesy 80's sci-fi flick on my computer when the spirit of Timothy Leary appeared to me.

Tim said, "You've fallen far from the faith Shadow and I'm disappointed in you. It's been literally years since you last ingested a hallucinogen in my honor and you've made no recent attempt to see any of the remaining four members of the Grateful Dead in concert. Hell even Grace Slick's order of protection against you has run out because you haven't sent her a white rabbit lately. You really should have shipped those overnight mail you know. Bunnies tend to expire when you go UPS ground and it takes 4 days to get to California. Anywho Shadow I appeared to you today to let you know that the rapture is upon us. I and my followers have finally reached full enlightenment and we're about to ascend into heaven for that final big Woodstock in the sky, you should see the band they have put together. We want you with us Shadow as you've always been a valued member of my counterculture but a penance must be paid for you to join us."

"What can I do to atone oh holy father Leary", I said while casting myself on the floor in supplication.

"Nothing too hard Shadow my child", said my smiling master, his pupils dilated beyond what seemed reasonable.

"A little mischief is all. Take this small pill then meet up with Wavy Gravy at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue in Washington D.C. and you two are going to do a small favor for me. You're to get the Bush twins and Laura drunk, stoned and dosed. Put them in a circle of roses arranging their unconscious bodies into a peace sign and then say the words: 'Hell no we won't go, war is bad for children and other living things, tune in, turn on, drop out, and throw in a verse of a Dylan song for good measure and then the spirits of Abbie Hoffman and Hunter Thompson should rise from the grave. Basically they'll take it from there and you probably don't want to be around to see it, it won't be pretty so you and Wavy can jump back into his VW bus and meet me in Marin county for cocktails and the ascension to the big gig."

I eagerly devoured the small blue pill he handed me and set about my task.

[NoSheep]

62. Beautiful.

:D

[gogo69]

63. just a side-effect from the 5game sweep by the Yankees n/t

[NoSheep]

65. lol!

[stellanoir]

3. So I guess I can't have your car then.

too funny.

[MoonRiver]

5. HAHAHA!

I have no words, only smilies! :D

:rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl:

[dweller]

6. JC's lapel buttons

convince me this is a real first hand report!

good you made it out :thumbsup:


dp

[jpak]

7. I'm tired of these motherfucking rapturees in my motherfucking heaven

:evilgrin:

[bottomofthehill]

8. That Dumb SOB. he was supposed to give that............

POS paper to the Yankees and they were supposed to rapture on Friday as they were arriving at Fenway, leaving us 1 1/2 games back. I hope you kicked him square in the balls.

[a la izquierda]

51. dream on! your boys got spanked. but to not be a threadjacker...

this thread was exactly what i needed to get my mood boosted at 6:45 am. fortunately i had swallowed my coffee before reading.
Thanks!

[SutaUvaca]

9. Omigawd!!

:rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl:

Oh geez. I gotta know what music were the saintly gunners were listening to?
What a scene. thx.

[WilliamPitt]

10. The 1812 Overture

[SutaUvaca]

16. Thanks mr. Pitt

for the added cannonfire!
God I never laghed so hard.
Wait'll I spring this on my fundie siblings.

[byronius]

11. You made me barf laughing, dammit.

[patrice]

12. Whooooweeee! Thank Goodness for trap-doors!

Jesus did unto them as they do unto others, more specifically those others Jesus mentions in Mathew 25:40 Whatsoever you do to the least of these, that you do unto me.

Yep, Jesus IS still here and WE ARE still killing him - AND - To every action there is an equal and opposite reaction as you so aptly observed.

Maybe that trap-door was there because you've been doing your best to Resist Pontius Pilot, I mean the pResident of the "United States".

Keep on keeping on Mr. Pitt!

[BuyingThyme]

13. Do you bear the mark?

[WilliamPitt]

14. Marc is my boss' name

and I bear him on a daily basis, so...

;)

[salinen]

15. Don't act so innocent

you knew the rapture was imminant when the yanks swept all 5 games.

[WilliamPitt]

20. Nah

That was standard. I saw that coming after we went 1-5 against Tampa Bay and KC.

[IChing]

17. copy cat thread....

You broke out and I was able to report back

I like your thoughts though
my post beat yours on time though, so I got back before you.
http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=105x5536418

[VelmaD]

18. That was...

fucking awesome. *snort*

I like your Jesus. A lot.

[htuttle]

19. So, did you get a glimpse of the Beer Volcano when you were there?

How about the Stripper Factory?

[LynneSin]

21. I don't think Jesus would gun them down...

....I still think of Jesus as a non-violent protester. I would see him tossing them in some sort of horrible void for enternity or perhaps re-incarnating them as someone doomed to a life of poverty

[druidity33]

38. bullets of love... nt

[On the Road]

50. When Jesus Said:

"...and you will see the Son of Man sitting at the right hand of the Mighty One and coming on the clouds of heaven" Mark 14:62, he was saying pretty much the same thing.

What people don't seem to take into account is that that passage has always been applied to the destruction of Jerusalem. Jesus was depicting himself as coming in judgment to commit mass murder. It's really not out of character.

[jus_the_facts]

22. Musta been some sorta flashback because of that sweep....

:loveya:










:hide:

[Mr_Jefferson_24]

23. I think you're makin that up.

[WilliamPitt]

24. Nope

It's all true, even if it didn't happen. :)

[VelmaD]

25. For a given value...

of "true". ;)

[LeahMira]

52. There are facts...

...and then there are truths.


For a given value...
of "true".

[Mr_Jefferson_24]

27. OK, I believe you. Funny stuff. Thanks for the laugh.

[Generic Other]

26. Ha Ha I made a flash video of your experience!

Rapture Party Death Trip

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w2yvYR4RFVs

[WilliamPitt]

30. That's freakin brilliant!

Whose song is that?

[Generic Other]

31. The Bad Livers

an old Austin bluegrass band.

[DemReadingDU]

36. That was Cool!

[bleever]

48. Very cool.

:thumbsup:

[nosferaustin]

54. Very cool

haven't heard the Bad Livers in a while, not since I left Austin a couple of years ago, thanks for the flashback!

Funny stuff, Will!

[SammyWinstonJack]

58. Good stuff!

:thumbsup:

[Nikki Stone 1]

28. Jesus is a Kucinich supporter? That might get me back to church!

:)

[Canuckistanian]

47. Gollum is a Kucinich supporter....

http://server4.whiterosesociety.org/content/malloy/MalloyMemories/mmalloy_gollum.mp3

http://server4.whiterosesociety.org/content/malloy/MalloyMemories/Smeagol_does_dean_scream.mp3

http://server4.whiterosesociety.org/content/malloy/MalloyMemories/Smeagol_announces_his_candidacy.mp3

[hyphenate]

29. I like your approach, Will

Wish I could be there to laugh my head off (not literally) at the dumb bastards. :rofl:

[banana republican]

32. You have been reading too much Swedenborg...

[lapislzi]

33. Wow, glad to have you back.

After that, you need a drink.

:toast:

[MissB]

34. That was funny.

:rofl:

Except nooded. WTF is nooded?

[i miss america]

35. Bartender, I'll have one of whatever he's drinking.

:toast:

[OPERATIONMINDCRIME]

37. Hell, This Is Easier To Believe Than Half The Other Conspiracy Crap Goin

round here lately. :evilgrin:

Entertaining read, Will.

Only problem is there would be far more than 144,000 of those fuckers that deserve to be on the receiving end of tommy gun Jesus is holdin... :)

[malaise]

39. This is too cool WiIl

one more great Letter from Earth :D

sp.

[tbyg52]

40. I am assuming...

...that you have read Heinlein's _Job_? If not, you must do so *immediately*! You will not regret it. ;)

[guinivere]

41. LOL

That was great.

:rofl:

[KoKo]

42. The SKY IS YELLOW right now over NC...and Weather Channel shows

an unusual "Cloud Cover" which kind of shows a formation that looks like JESUS! He's just taking shape on my local NC Channel...and it won't be long before his shape takes form and Channel 14 can tell the Fundie Baptist Seminary just north of me that.......JESUS IS COMING...HE'S RIDING THE CLOUDS IN THE YELLOW SKY...THE RUPTURE IS UPON US!

And those in their Million Dollar Wake Forest (Home of the Conservative Southern Baptist Seminary) can go out and VIEW HIS COMING...SEE HIS SPIRIT RISE and SEE THE PEOPLE BOWING DOWN IN "PRAISE OF JESUS" COMING DOWN ON THE YELLOW CLOUDS!

Have no fear...the RUPTURE IS UPON US...it didn't quite make it yet...but it will make it's presence known in the "coming days." :eyes:

[blue cat]

43. Thank you very much for sharing.

I got a big chuckle. It made my evening much better.

[The Count]

44. "You must be one of the 144,000," - I thought there were 4400!

[BlueEyedSon]

45. Best. Pitt. Ever.

[Scout]

46. how did Jesus nood to his group of saints? :-P n/t

[bleever]

49. If you look around the table, and you can't spot the sucker,

it's you.


May the American people figure it out, like you did here.

[FedUpWithIt All]

53. ....

:applause:

[lonestarnot]

55. William Pitt, go ahead on and just crack me up the rest of the way.

:rofl:

[stop the bleeding]

56. good piece

point, set, match

game over

[truebrit71]

57. Good stuff Will!!!

:rofl:

[IronLionZion]

59. I doubt Jesus and the saints would use prohibition era firearms

I'd expect something more "Godly" like fire, brimstone, lightning, and eternal damnation.

I'm not sure what effect guns would have on people who are already dead!

:silly:

[dollydew]

60. Raptured and Ruptured

I laughed so hard I cried. BRAVO Mr. Pitt. BRAVO. You sir, are a Genius.

[sybylla]

61. K & R - This is one fabulous post, Mr. Pitt

I've already shared it with several people - who all loved it.

Next I'm sending it on to my fundie sister-in-law. Payback for all those Bill and Hillary jokes she sent unmercifully for 8 years.

[leesa]

64. Good one. I suspect that's how it will go. If not, they would kill each

other within the first 10 minutes of their 1000 years of peace anyway because they would find something to blindly hate each other for without delay.