Sometimes, you have to eat your tears

[MoseyWalker]

because there is nothing else to choose from.

You have seen your friends and neighbors, that you barely knew,

die.

they drowned.

They died. They tried to live, but they died.

I went to help, but it wasn't soon enough. I was there two weeks after, and it was a shit fest.

I found bodies. I found people who had cut through their roofs to survive.
I traveled on a boat what used to be a street and found people.

I didn't last long. Less than two weeks. I was so overwhelmed.

I had to get away, but I think you know what I'm talking about.

Spike Lee has made a powerful film, and it's not in any way slanted one way or the other. It speaks the truth.

The US of A became a fascist fucking no give a shit society on that day.

I saw the results. I will never forget.

I'm still crying with memories.

[knowbody0]

1. I honestly cannot imagine

what you experienced. I am so sorry MoseyWalker

[MoseyWalker]

2. I really did go to help

and it was so disorganized as to be intentional.

I felt like I had traveled into hell. My employer at the time gave me some time off that I had earned after 5 years.

Was anybody else there after?

I'd like to here your experiences.

Thanks!

[uppityperson]

4. where did you come from? please tell us, me, more, please

I didn't get into area for 2 1/2 wks. Emailed a friend there, said I couldn't afford tickets less than 2 weeks out, would like to come help but would there still be need then? He laughed and emailed back saying "come". I lasted 1 week.

How and where did you come from?

[MoseyWalker]

9. I came from 300 miles west

I came with a red cross contingent. I was so disgusted and horrified that I had to leave.

I don't think I can express much more right now.

[uppityperson]

10. take care of yourself. Be gentle on yourself.

It was chaos. You did good. Now take care of you. Tomorrow will be another day, hugs for tonight.

[MoseyWalker]

13. I can't even think about it without losing it

it was that bad.

I feel like I was in a war where there were no sides, just people wondering what the fuck was going on. I have personal stories, but I don't know if I'll ever be able to tell them. I was changed. I thought I was a nervous person before, but I know I'll always be a nervous person now. I had personal thoughts. I still do, but goddamm.

Sorry. I won't write about this anymore. I can't take it.

[Withywindle]

15. Take care of yourself

Whatever you need to do. PTSD is real, and it sounds like you got a touch of it. I don't know you at all, can't say if you should consider seeing a counselor (or maybe you already are, I don't know), but look into helping yourself out in some way. COuld be anything: prayer, meditation, writing, art, whatever.

Walk tall. You voluntarily took suffering upon yourself to help others. Be proud of that. And your own suffering is real - be as kind to yourself as you can.

:hug:

[susanna]

22. Having dealt with PTSD myself,

Withywindle speaks a great truth. Get a hold of it before it gets a hold of you. Please, I beg you to get any assistance you think you might need.

Twelve years on after my brush with hell, I have finally begun to feel joy again. It truly can take that long to get safe in your mind. If you can deal with it safely and sanely now, I hope you do so. It makes all the difference in the world. Peace.

[MoseyWalker]

25. I'm in a difficult place

I have been the mental health guy for 20 years: promoting and extending it.

The last year has seen a steady deterioration of my thoughts. I ain't dumb! I just can't stop it. I feel sometimes as though I'm falling into a black hole.

Then, I have days with people that revive me for a short time.

I don't know if I've lost it, or am regaining it, or never really knew what it was.

Thanks!

[uppityperson]

26. Just because you work with mental health doesn't mean you can't have probl

can't have problems. Yes, I can see the difficulty in being the provider having problems, but it sounds like you are suffering from PTSD. Steady deterioration, falling into a hole, yes, sounds like a problem. Questioning yourself, your ability to deal with what you are having to deal with, all seems normal also. Really hard, but a normal difficult thing to do. You don't want to be stuck for a long time, best to take care of yourself and let yourself be on the patient side rather than the provider side. Also very difficult, but take care of yourself, otherwise you can take care of no one. Poorly written, but please take careof yourself. You are human and have human needs.

Hard, being a provider in need, I know. Take care.

[pitohui]

30. your sensitivity might make you more vulnerable even

i don't know anything abt being a mental health provider or even about being mentally healthy, heh heh, but i think uppity's advice sounds good

even a strong tree can break, even an oak can fall, trust me, i've seen it

be kind to yourself, take time if you need to

you would tell your patients to pamper themselves, now be honest, you know you would, so take time to pamper yourself

[Hawkowl]

34. Fellow PTSD sufferer

PLEASE, PLEASE, go see a professional. I suffered from PTSD for many years and you owe it to your family, your friends, and yes even the poor victims of Katrina to save yourself. You must take care of yourself.

Bless your heart, your empathy and your selfless actions of mercy.

[uppityperson]

38. I woke thinking of you MoseyWalker, wanted to share my thoughts

You are a mental health person, this means you are an especially kind caring person who wants to help people help themselves get themselves better. Like pitohui said below, this sets you up to be hurt much by your experiences, and, possibly, stubborn enough to not seek the help you would advise for others. You are a humane human, a caring person, and please take care of yourself. Taking care of others is hard enough, taking care of yourself is really necessary.

It is much pleasanter to be on the provider side. A quick story and I'm gone to work. I am a nurse, hospital nurse, and my mother died a while back in a hospital. I walked 3 steps into her hospital room where she lay dying, pivoted and walked out saying "I can't do this". My family grabbed me, told me yes I could, that I had to, and I did. I cannot express how hard it was, how much I wished I was the nurses coming in to give her more medicine, how personally difficult it was to go on afterwards, including having to change jobs. As some one else said elsewhere here, I am soft and this death experience affected me in ways that were not expected, and lasted longer than I ever expected, and made me finally seek mental health help. caretakers can get hit hard.

Please take care, it will get better if you do, eventually. more hugs to you.

[susanna]

49. Like others have said...

It's sometimes worse if we think we "know all about it" and "can handle it." That is not necessarily true. Some of the strongest people, who understand the most about mental health, suffer from PTSD. Nobody is quite sure who will succumb, but many folks are caught unawares. I was.

The GOOD thing is that you recognize that you are starting to deteriorate in some areas - seriously. This helps you, even if you think it doesn't. If you have even remotely sensed what you are mentioning, you have great possibility to start your healing earlier if you just start the (hard, but healing) process.

Godspeed to you in your journey, and much peace.

[pitohui]

24. i'm wondering about this myself -- you need to treat yourself kindly

you do nobody any good if you expose yourself to images that harm you

i trust mr lee to do a good job, i have seen his work, and i trust him to put the story out to those who need to see it, but i'm not ready yet, i need a little more time and space, as i said in a related thread, i was even made distressed by the silly movie "the day after tomorrow"

hell by accident i saw a commercial for a story about bay st. louis (also destroyed by katrina) and I thought i would pass out -- from a commercial!

there is a version of PTSD caused by natural disasters, for some reason, they can seem such a betrayal, i don't mind saying that i now hate god, it sounds terrible to say that, but it's the way i feel, just the anger

in the related thread, a man said he still smelled smoke years later from having been in a traumatic fire, well, i didn't answer him but i still think about it, because i too have been smelling smoke, i don't know why, it's like i keep looking around for something else bad to happen

the story linked today, about the young child killed in the flood and then his mom and brother burned up in their new home, it's just too much, you know? it's like god just keeps stepping on people's faces when they're down

well, i'm rambling here, the point is, it's natural to feel overwhelmed because of the size of this thing -- nobody who didn't see it can understand it

be strong and don't be so hard on yourself -- you did something, most including our president did nothing

[uppityperson]

16. PTSD is the f*ing pits.

no more writing, no more answering those of us who answer you. It was bad, chaos reigned, communication sucked, no one knew what was happening anywhere, some places/people got triple coverage, some none. Make an emergency kit for your house and your car and your place of work. Do what you need to do to make yourself feel safe. Talk with someone about PTSD because yes, many people involved, either living or volunteering temporarily, have problems.

Now, get a drink of warm milk, go cuddle with a cat. The sun will rise tomorrow and we will continue to deal with these evil greedy people in power. Thank you again and take care. No more writing.

[Skittles]

5. when I am asked if I believe in hell

I always answer yes, and it is here on earth - Katrina was and is hell

[Withywindle]

7. Not NOLA, but I went to New York to help after 9/11...

...well, I had friends there who were pretty traumatized and I wanted to see if there was anything I could do for them, mostly.

But it turns out one of my friends was organizing volunteers through the Red Cross through his company to help out at Ground Zero, so I got a chance to do that for a few days.

Horrible as it was, it was beautiful too in a way. By then (10 days later) it was pretty well-organized, and the people were great--everyone was sleep-deprived and everyone understood that and worked hard and still cut each other slack. My job was serving food to recovery and cleanup workers and firefighters, etc., on a boat moored just beside the site.

Now, it's not a comparable situation in so many ways. Katrina was SO MUCH worse, logistically - a whole city, not just one corner of downtown. People who got out of the WTC still had homes to go to and places to get food and medical treatment! And those who didn't...didn't. By the time I was there, nobody expected to find survivors anymore.

But the difference in resources and motivation and organization is significant to me. Is it because more of the victims of 9/11 were middle-class and white? Is it because NYC is a richer city than New Orleans? Is it because it was in some ways easier? Is it because it was an act of terrorism that could be exploited for war/propaganda purposes? I wasn't that cynical in 2001, but I am now.

I hear about all the attention paid to identifying the tiniest specks of DNA from the WTC, to give families some closure and something to bury. I don't begrudge them that in the least - that's how it should be! When I hear about bodies left to rot in the streets and wreckage of houses in New Orleans...just, indefinitely, some are still there...Good God, I can't describe the feeling it gives me in my stomach. It's visceral. I just can't comprehend the way people were treated there. When I watched that documentary tonight, talking about how families were forcibly separated...Michael Eric Dyson talked about slavery, I thought of Nazi camps...it's just the worst kind of eye-opener to see over and over again people being treated to their faces as though their lives are worth nothing, and I watched it for a week live on fucking CNN. (Soledad O'Brian must've wanted to punch Michael Brown, her network had been COVERING the same shit he said he didn't know about!)

Anyway. I'm ranting. Sorry. Bless you for helping. Bless you.

[uppityperson]

8. speaking of DNA, racism and classism, here is a story for you.

6 yr old Montava has been in a cooler for 11+ months, just DNA ID'd, his mother and brother died this last winter. Why? Guess what color he was. Racism, classism, classism set up by racism, indeed.

http://www.nola.com/news/t-p/frontpage/index.ssf?/base/news-6/1156138615301680.xml&coll=1

A FAMILY LOST
A child is buried almost a year after the floodwaters swept him away. But his mother and brother aren't there to mourn. They died in a fire months after the storm.
Monday, August 21, 2006
By Gwen Filosa

The foul floodwaters swept little Montava Trueblood away, snatching him from his mother as New Orleans fell into absolute horror almost one year ago. Montava slipped off a rooftop in the Lower 9th Ward and into a violent sea of destruction on Aug. 29.

He never got to enter first grade. He never got to celebrate his 7th birthday in December. Instead, he slipped beneath a pile of debris and drowned. Only days ago, Montava was finally given a proper funeral, as the world prepares to take notice of the one-year anniversary of the worst natural disaster -- and arguably the worst engineering failure -- in the history of the United States. Preachers comforted the 30 or so mourners inside Littlejohn's Funeral Home on Aubry Street.

On Aug. 15, the boy's remains were identified by the Orleans Parish coroner's office through a DNA sample his mother gave mortuary officials a month after the storm, the Trueblood family said. When the child's ashes are placed in a plot at Resthaven Cemetery, he will not be alone. Montava will be laid to rest in October alongside his mother and his baby brother who, after barely escaping the floodwaters, perished in a fire in Milwaukee in December, a few days shy of his mother's 32nd birthday.

Almost nothing remains of 1908 Tennessee St., where Montava lived. It is among entire city blocks in the Lower 9th where houses were erased by the floodwaters, rocked off foundations to float away or destroyed on impact. On Friday, unkempt grass and weeds flourished where houses once sat. Beneath the weeds, though, one could find the concrete slabs or steps that lead to nowhere. It's all that is left. After the rising tide crashed through the levee breach at the Industrial Canal, Byndra Trueblood took her sons out of their flooding house, waded through the dirty water and sought refuge on the roof of a house down the street.,,,(more@ link)

yes, I am pissed

[Withywindle]

12. OMFG

:cry:

May this family rest in peace and have a joyous reunion. May those responsible for all these crimes against the soul rot in Hell.

[uppityperson]

17. indeed.

thank you for your service also.

911 victims got carried out somberly covered with a flag. Katrina victims got put into cold storage for a yr, or taken off WalMart roofs covered with a plastic tarp. It is just wrong.

[Withywindle]

23. Nothing I did compares...

...I know what our REAL defining national tragedy of this century is.

It's not the one where the ruling class gets to play the victim card, that's for sure.

The US as it is now was DEFINED by Katrina, and that definition is racism and classism and apathy and bureaucracy and above all, shame.

[Surya Gayatri]

39. No words...

:cry: SG

[MoseyWalker]

11. if there is a god or two

you have my vote for the first ticket on the bus headed to the good place.

[Withywindle]

14. Oh no, not first

...I've been fairly lucky in my life, all things considered. There's a lot of people who've suffered a lot more than me who ought to get there first, IMO.

I don't mind waiting a bit. I've got a lot of good books. :D

[NewYorkerfromMass]

28. Differences between NYC post 9/11 and NOLA

I was here for 9/11. We were devestated mentally, but the city essentially still functioned. All systems remained up an running at close to 100%. No matter how badly anyone felt- if the will was there to do something, the resources were there to accomodate it.
No such luck in NOLA.

Not only was the infrastructure and all support systems missing or defunct after the flooding- there was no government back-up to step in and take up the slack. And there was no government physically there, because there was no political motivation for it to be there. Clueless George was not there mentally, nor apparently was anyone at the Federal level. There was no will to accomodate the need that existed, no sense of urgency, no sense of crisis. The 2 situations are almost the inverse of each other- 9/11 was small scale devestation which was responded to out of pride and patriotism. NOLA/Katrina was much vaster in scale, yet barely responded to at all.

[Subdivisions]

37. I went to Biloxi...

two weeks after the storm and, though most of the attention was on New Orleans for good reason, it was VERY bad.

The place looked like a tsunami had hit it and everything was smashed and mangled.

I had never, EVER, seen anything like it. And I live in Tornado Alley.

You know what, I'm sitting here trying to figure out how to convey just how bad the situation was, but I'm not good enough of a writer to do it effectively.

I lasted just 10 days. On the way back home, I was reminded just how soft we've all become...how...comfortable...how...secure.

We're not.

[HeeBGBz]

43. Everything is still smashed and mangled

But, hey, they are building new high rise condos right on the beach...

[uppityperson]

3. !

thank you for helping, thank you for caring, take care of yourself. We do what we can, it was chaotic and overwhelming. Fuck the entire administration. They lied, our people died. "everything is fine" while bodies floated on tv, many people saw and noticed and will have it shoved back in their faces again.

hugs to you. :hug: :grouphug:

[peacetalksforall]

6. Thanks for going. Thanks for helping them. I applaud what you did for

all of us.

[helderheid]

18. BLESS YOUR HEART.

:hug:

[MoseyWalker]

21. No

bless the hearts of everyone that was there, and will be there again.

I was lost. I was nobody. I will never forget this.

[Withywindle]

31. Oh no.

You ARE somebody.

That's what's so horrible about it, right? The fact that everyone who's died or watched loved ones die or became homeless or worked or wept or got sick or lost sleep because of this IS (or was) somebody?

Yeah, that's the basic fucking empathic human connection YOU can make but it appears our current government cannot. That means *they're* the subhumans, IMO.

Sorry to keep pestering you, but I hear survivor's guilt in what you're saying. That's something to get treated, I think, because people who volunteered to help of ALL people should not be the ones feeling that.

[uppityperson]

19. hurricane survivors forum

http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=show_topics&forum=360
for people affected by Katrina, people living in the zone, people working there, etc.

[helderheid]

20. This needs to be the most recommended thread EVER.

[beam me up scottie]

27. Agreed.

and recommended

[TygrBright]

29. It doesn't help, but...

Smelling Smoke

I got over it
Don’t you know
Dead friends no longer visit me
When I wake up suddenly
With moonlight on my blanket
I got over it

I moved on
And got a life
The scars have all turned white
And faded to two-lane roads
On the map of my past
I moved on

It’s only every now and then
I turn my head for a moment
To hear what might have been the echo of a cry
And only every now and then
I cough a bit and realize
I’m smelling smoke again

So I forget
Or don’t remember
The street names and house numbers
And whose blood it was
All sticky on my arms
So I forget

I’m just fine now
Maybe not whole
But the pieces of myself I left behind
Don’t seem to matter anymore
I get along without them
I’m just fine now

It’s only every now and then
I turn my head for a moment
To hear what might have been the echo of a cry
And only every now and then
I cough a bit and realize
I’m smelling smoke again

Please pardon me
For my silences
Just look away from the tears in my eyes
Don’t listen when I cough
It’s nothing—I’m just
Smelling smoke again

respectfully,
Bright

[pitohui]

32. oh! is that you?

i may have referenced you upthread

http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=show_mesg&forum=364&topic_id=1957835&mesg_id=1958242

in the related thread, a man said he still smelled smoke years later from having been in a traumatic fire, well, i didn't answer him but i still think about it, because i too have been smelling smoke, i don't know why, it's like i keep looking around for something else bad to happen

i was actually about to type that i was not in a fire, which is not true, i was in a fire in san diego in 2003 but it doesn't count because my house wasn't there

i'm really getting sick of this phantom smoke crap, it is not like i am too likely to catch on fire here in louisiana, so it just seems so neurotic -- i KNOW it is displacement behavior from the storm

argh!!! roll back the calendar and make none of this have ever happened!

[TygrBright]

33. Well, this is me, but...

...I don't think I'm who you referred to in your post upthread, sorry.

Just responding to the OP with a poem about, well... what it's about.

apologetically,
Bright

[tomreedtoon]

35. Some thoughts about New Orleans and tourism.

I was never there. I was just a guy working at a TV station who saw the news feeds and coverage. I was sickened, not only by what I saw, but by what I knew the media WASN'T showing.

I have a friend, a nice handicapped lady who keeps way the hell too many cats. She enthused to me about a trip she's planning to New Orleans later this year. She talked about Cafe du Monde, beignets, buying a fifty-pound sack of their beans, and other entirely touristy things. And then she enthused, "The hotels are cheaper, and the place isn't crowded now."

I had to hold my tongue and force myself not to kick her.

I haven't seen the Spike Lee video (although I have it recorded) but I intend to copy it for her. I just wonder if it will change her mind at all about the touristy, Disney World style New Orleans she used to remember.

[Bosso 63]

36. 9-11 was stunning, but not completely unexpected.

I knew that there would be a day something like that would happen here, but I will never get over what happened in New Orleans. The failure of the government truly shocked me. I have lived in "developing countries" that I know would have responded much better a crisis like that. I still feel sickened by that failure, and only saw it on television. I can't even imagine how I would feel had I been there.

[Missy Vixen]

40. Thinking of you

Mosey Walker, I can't even imagine what you went through, and still are going through.

I woke up this morning thinking about the little girl whose mama lay dead in the bedroom of the house they were in, and she was alone with what looked like several brothers and sisters. Alone.

I hope there's a special corner of Hell for those government officials who turned (and continue turning,) a blind eye on the victims of Katrina.

Julie

[fooj]

41. MoseyWalker...I wish you peace.

If we have no peace it is because we have forgotten that we belong to each other.-Mother Teresa

You did not forget. :hug: Thank you.

[meganmonkey]

42. ...

:hug:

:cry:

:hug:

[HeeBGBz]

44. Thank you, Mosey

You gave of yourself to help others. One person can't help everybody, but you helped. Be kind to yourself. Katrina was bigger than all of us.

I can't believe it's been a year already.

[ninkasi]

45. You have a beautiful soul

please heal. You tried, you did the best you could, when even the power and might of the most powerful government in the world stayed idle. You did what you could. Now you need to be at peace with yourself.

[MoseyWalker]

46. thank you for saying that, but

I ran away. I saw and tried, and ran away.

I might have helped a little, but mostly, I remember that I ran away.

I'm a chickenshit (not a chickenhawk).

I will remember that I couldn't take it. I helped for a very short time, and ran away.

[uppityperson]

47. You went. You tried, you did what you could. Thank you.

If everyone would help for even a few days, things would be much better. Thank you for your service. You are a caring person, which is why you are in mental health work. You were overwhelmed and ran away? So what. It was an extreme time and place and was nuts. You did good. Go with that.

[ninkasi]

48. MoseyWalker, you did what you could

You helped, you were there. YOU were there while Bush stuffed himself with cake, and played air guitar. YOU, and others were there. I live north of Houston, and to my shame, I didn't go. I donated to the victims, but I wasn't there, and you were, and it may be that what you did do was what you were supposed to do. You are being far, far too hard on yourself.

Sometimes, the compassionate ones, like you, act almost like sponges, and soak up the pain and hurt of those they are helping. It doesn't mean you failed, it just means that while you WERE there, you were giving more of yourself than some others who might have stayed longer. Please, be at peace with yourself. YOU WERE THERE! Please, please, let yourself heal.