Life on Mars

[Timbuk3]

Wouldn't it be cool if we discovered life on Mars?

Wouldn't it be cooler, still, if we discovered that those Martians were fundamentalists who worshipped "dog" and, much like the fundamentalist "christians", "jews", and "muslims" (as opposed to REAL Christians, Jews, and Muslims) here on earth they were willing to force US to worship "dog" by law, by decree, by bullet, and by bomb?

Wouldn't it be even cooler yet if we discovered that those Martians were woefully unskilled, militarily, so we could easily defeat them as a group, although individual Martians could still wreak untold damage on us by "acts of martiarrism"?

It would be cool, because then we could declare a war on "martiarrists".

Nothing unites human beings quite like the discovery that we have a "common enemy". Couldn't you just see Bush, Blair, bin Laden, Zawahiri, Ahmadinijab, Ohlmert, and the rest of this world's war-mongers sitting around a table, planning how best to eliminate "the martian menace"? Oh, the speeches we'd hear! "We must work together to defeat this menace" they'd say, and we'd clap and cheer and hold bake sales and smile at how wise our leadership is!

What would be ESPECIALLY cool was if the Martians, who worship "dog", had discovered that by eliminating classes of people they could put an end to war, and they had all the bugs worked out so we could all be equal here on earth, too. All we'd have to do is make a few changes, and we could all be at peace.

Boy, would we go to war then!

We'd go to war because, next to a "common enemy", nothing can make us humans fill our collective pants in fear like the unknown. What would life worshipping "dog" and all being treated equally be like? We'd be shitting ourselves in fear, and absolutely willing to pass on the costs of our "war on martiarrism" to our descendants, no matter how high they ran. The "leaders" couldn't stand being "equals", and the "I absolutely refuse to think for myself" crowd (which appears to make up about 38% of American voters at the present time) would be terrified of having to make up their minds about what they want out of life.

Earth would then be united in defending ourselves from the "Red Planet of Evil".

What? You don't believe me?

Look what we did to Jesus. He upset the Pharisee's apple cart by demanding that the sick and the lame be allowed into the churches (thereby "healing" them), and he upset the Roman's apple cart by suggesting that no one man is any better than any other (we're all children of God), and that "money changers" don't belong in temples (which would sort of spoil things for the "ruling class" and the tax collector.) For that, us humans decided to get the government and the church to agree that the only proper way to handle this usurper was to nail his ass to a tree so he'd shut the heck up. Remarkably, as a species we've learned exactly nothing, since. We still fear the unknown, and we still flock together like lemmings when we perceive a "common enemy".

Yeah, I know. I'm crazy. But wouldn't it be cool if we could stop killing each other and kill a few Martians, for a while?

(Disclaimer: If any Martians happen to read this message board, I didn't know you guys were out there. It was an ANALOGY for chrissakes! I don't really want to go to war against Mars. I just wish we could find something better to do with our free time than blowing each other up over who has the most right to take a shit in everyone else's air and water.)

[harlinchi]

1. Martians: "Next time do a little research!" n/t

[Timbuk3]

4. OK, that one cracked me up! n/t

[jumpoffdaplanet]

2. Thought you were talking about the BBC show

The show where police detective Sam Tyler is hit by a car in 2006, goes in a coma, then wakes up 33 years in the past.

A previous episode has the following exchange between Tyler (although living in the past, still working as a detective) and a member of that police force.



Tyler: This place is like Guantánamo Bay.
Hunt: Give over, it's nothing like Spain.

[MrCoffee]

3. It's a godawful small affair...