An Open Letter to President Bush from Lazlo Toth

[joemurphy]

President George W. Bush
The Western White House
Crawford, Texas 76638

Re: Finding “an Honest Broker” for the Middle East

Dear President Bush,

I know you are now in Crawford, Texas at the “Western White House” taking a
well-deserved vacation. I hope your brush-clearing and bike-riding is going
good. What with the war in Iraq going so badly, and things going to pot in
Lebanon, God knows you could use a few “Mental Health Days” before returning
to planning an "October Surprise" before the November elections.

Right now, all the news programs are saying that due to your support of
Israel we can’t be an “honest broker” anymore in the Middle East. Sean
Hannity says that those Arabs won’t even talk to Condi. Our best generals
are saying Iraq is pretty close to a civil war. And Hillary Clinton was on
C-Span just the other day telling Don Rumsfeld that he should resign.

You have to admit, things look pretty grim.

That’s why I decided to write this letter. I’ve got an idea that might help!

It came to me last night while I was watching a tape of “Lawrence of Arabia”
on my VCR. It's one of my favorite movies. Virtually everything I know about
that part of the world comes from that movie. Hey, you might want to watch
it sometime yourself just to widen your own knowledge of the area!

Anyway, there is this one scene in it where Lawrence (played by Peter O’
Toole) goes camel-riding in the desert, gets lost, and is rescued by Sherif
Ali. And that’s when it hit me! I said to myself, "Lazlo, God wanted you to
watch this for a reason! He wants you to help President Bush!"

See, God was telling me that you’ve been sort of camel-riding aimlessly in
the desert too (not literally, but I mean policy-wise in places like Iraq
and Lebanon). Sort of like Lawrence of Arabia was in the movie. And you’re
sort of lost too -- like he was -- and need some help. And like when
Lawrence was lost out there, who is the best guy to help you now?

Right! Omar Sharif!!!

I’ll bet if you asked him, Omar Sharif (who played Sherif Ali in the movie)
could be that “honest broker” you and Condi need to help you with all those
problems you're having with the Arabs. If anyone could work out a cease fire
between them and the Israelis it’d be Omar. Sure, I know he's an actor, but
remember, he’s also an Egyptian (and probably some kind of an Arab). That
means he speaks their lingo, and understands their funny ways. Heck, I’ll
bet you could even get Peter O’Toole to help out too! He and Omar are still
good friends. It'd be like having Lawrence of Arabia and Sherif Ali sitting
side-saddle with Condi as she pushes the peace process!

No, don’t bother thanking me. Just thank the good Lord Almighty for having
me watch that movie last night. It wasn’t anything I did. It was divine
intervention!

I’ve also sent a copy of this letter to Condi to speed up the healing
process. If you're too busy cutting the brush, I'm sure she could figure out
a way to place the necessary telephone call to Omar.

Anyway, have a great time on your vacation and don’t fall off your bicycle!
(Ha! Ha! Just a little joke!).

I'm still pulling for you. Say hi to Dick Cheney for me!

Your loyal friend,

Lazlo Toth
Voting for Republicans (both indicted and unindicted) since 1952!

(Inspired by Don Novello's Lazlo Toth Letters)

[eleny]

1. "Lawrence of Arabia and Sherif Ali sitting side-saddle with Condi"

Priceless, Joe. Why not start a journal here and post your letters there. They really are inspired.

[spindrifter]

2. Keep up the good work, Lazlo!

I once had a client who wrote letters to the Prezidnut and the Secret Service contacted me--just wanted to let me know--pressure, pressure--that they knew my client was writing again...no, no nothing of real concern...at least not at that point....

But seriously, Laz, if you keep this up, the letters really should get published as a Modern Epistolary.