Pakistein Monsters and Other B(ush) Horror Shows

[garthranzz]

So, let me get this straight: British police foiled the plot and caught the would-be terrorists, and now extra "security" is imposed on airline travel? Isn't that like shutting the barn door after the horse escaped? What if the British police hadn't been so efficient? And tell me again why American airports have become cheap strip joints when the "plot" (apparently not much of one) came from British Pakistanis?

I thought the Constitution had a provision against cruel and unusual punishment. What does TSA call sitting in sardine seats for three hours surrounded by non-deoderized passengers? Maybe Cheney's fantasizing about speed sticks. Or being a mennen. Don't worry, though, we can always inhale the fumes seeping up from baggage. Nobody checks down there, anyway. (Except Bill Cosby's Noah...)

I don't know about you, but all these fear tactics scare me. Here comes the little old lady with the prosthetic hip, in a wheelchair. TSA security agent: Ma'am, what's all those funny-shaped things stickin' on your leg there? Lady: Refrigerator magnets. TSA security agent: I'm going to have to confiscate them. Lady: The refrigerator tried that.

Word has it that the TSA is short-handed. Um, no, I'm not going there. But I will admit that they've got a tempting new recruiting slogan: TSA - get paid for power trips and cheap thrills. Or how about this one: TSA - scan and scam. No, I think the Republican Party copyrighted that one during the last election.

Why don't we just look at airport screening like a visit to the doctor's office? I mean, look at what they have in common: long waits, short visits, removal of clothing whether necessary or not, small talk to avoid admissions of humiliation, in which the doctors politely participate, pretended indifference and studied efficiency by the hirelings - coupled with condescending, phonetically precise explanations of the upcoming indignities, embarrassing personal questions. Well, okay, the "security forces" don't ask those questions unless you buzz off, or buzz in.

Here, try these: Doctor: "So, you're having a pain the stomach. Have you eaten anything spicy lately?" TSA agent: "Are you carrying any bombs, explosives, subversive material like Armed Madhouse?" Doctor: "You've put on a little weight. Are you getting any exercise?" TSA agent: "You look a little upset at what would be an invasion of privacy if you had any. Are you now or have you ever been a member of the Democratic party?"

Oh, sure, you can sit down in the doctor's office while you wait. And the doctor will at least give you a pill or a lollipop - now there's an idea - at the end of each screening, a candy jar. No, they'd have to screen that, too.

Speaking of X-Rays, how much do you think Homeland Security sells those pictures for? Hey, you now know how the government can afford to cut your taxes. They make up the lost revenue in anonymous PayPal payments to adult check sites. (Only they're not so anonymous. NSA and other initials have to make budget, too.) Sure, that was after-shave lotion in your bag. Heh, heh.

Sorry, I forgot. Your taxes weren't cut. You're not rich enough.

Listen, we know what this is really about. Oil. Buscho isn't stupid. It knows (using the third person neutered avoids offending pluralists (they say and the royal we) as well the blame-it-all-on GeorgeKarlDickDon crowd) that the price of gas isn't coming down. (Gives new meaning to trademarks like tums and rolaids, doesn't it?) So what are they doing? Getting us so mad at the airlines that we'll refuse to fly. We'll start driving again. Cross-country. And we'll need big cars, really big cars, for the road tirp.

Don't get me wrong. I know terrorism is serious stuff. You see, everyone's misunderstood the whole Big Brother thing. You know, the deep voice, menacing, "Big Brother's Watching You." Uh-uh. It's like when you wanted to go to the comic shop or the bakery, but if you rode your bike the neighborhood bully would be waiting to pound you and take your money and cookies. Or take your money and cookies and then pound you. But you were also too old to go with mommy (nyah, nyah, sissy boy, Georgie). So your older brother would bike half a block behind, keeping an eye out, but letting you go ahead and act like big brave chickenhawk. And whenever you'd turn around for assurance, he'd nod at you, wink in that brotherly fashion and smile. "Don't worry, Big Brother's watching you." And you could strut your chickenhawk stuff.

Sort of like your own personal John Wayne.

But getting back to this fainting spell (fumes, vapors - get it?) plot, I think it's a good think Homeland Security (now replacing military intelligence as the standard definition of an oxymoron) makes air travel as inconvenient as possible. I mean, people were practically moving in. Do you see what they bring on board these days? "Uh, just let me stuff my mattress and office furniture in the overhead bin here. Thanks. Sorry for blocking the aisle. Yeah, I think I can stow the stove under my seat. If the lady in the wheelchair will just turn her refrigerator sideways. Her refrigerator, ma'am, not...never mind."

So I'm grateful that Dick Cheney and Karl Rove pointed out what Bush hasn't been told to say yet: vaseline and desitin are deadly weapons. Your baby's diaper rash is a small price to pay in the war on terror. Diapers are a pre-9/11 mentality. Except for Joe Lieberman. And Ann Coulter. And potty-mouthed Dick Cheney.

Anyway, anyone who wants to brush their teeth or have mint breath is weak on terror.

"Welcome to Terror Flight 101 to Nowhere. I'm Captain Panic, assisted by First Officer Frightful. Your steward-people are fear and intimidation in the forward cabin, and lies, propaganda, spin and half-truths in the rear. For a snack you have a choice of katushyas or oil-covered body parts. Our in-flight entertainment is a Gulf Wars highlight reel or, for the squeamish, a Stephen King movie-marathon. Und you must obey all instructions, ja.

"Sit upright, grip the arm-rests, and remain in the zombie position for the rest of the flight."

[Wonk]

1. Could you add spaces between paragraphs? That's kinda hard to read. nt

[garthranzz]

2. done. Thanks for the suggestion. n/t