Advice to President Bush on the Middle East from Lazlo Toth

[joemurphy]

President George W. Bush
The Western White House
Crawford, Texas 76638

Re: Finding “an Honest Broker” for the Middle East

Dear President Bush,

I know you are now in Crawford, Texas at the “Western White House” taking a well-deserved vacation. I hope your brush-clearing and bike-riding is going good. What with the war in Iraq going so badly, and things going to pot in Lebanon, God knows you could use a few “Mental Health Days” before returning to planning an "October Surprise" before the November elections.

Right now, all the news programs are saying that due to your support of Israel we can’t be an “honest broker” anymore in the Middle East. Sean Hannity says that those Arabs won’t even talk to Condi. Our best generals are saying Iraq is pretty close to a civil war. And Hillary Clinton was on C-Span just the other day telling Don Rumsfeld that he should resign.
You have to admit, things look pretty grim.

That’s why I decided to write this letter. I’ve got an idea that might help!

It came to me while I was watching a tape of “Lawrence of Arabia” on my VCR last night. Anyway, there was this one scene where Lawrence (played by Peter O’Toole) goes camel-riding in the desert, gets lost, and is rescued by Sherif Ali. And that’s when it hit me! You’ve been sort of camel-riding in the desert too (not literally, but I mean policy-wise in places like Iraq and Lebanon). Sort of like Lawrence. And you’re sort of lost too -- like he was -- and need help. And like Lawrence, who is the best guy to help you?

Right! Omar Sharif!!!

I’ll bet if you asked him, Omar Sharif (who played Sherif Ali in the movie) could be that “honest broker” you need to help you with all those problems your having with the Arabs. If anyone could work out a cease fire between them and the Israelis it’d be Omar. I know he's an actor, but remember, he’s also an Egyptian, he speaks their lingo, and understands their funny ways. Heck, I’ll bet you could get Peter O’Toole to help out too! He and Omar are still good friends.

No, don’t bother thanking me. Just thank the Lord Almighty for having me watch that movie last night. It wasn’t me. It was divine intervention.

I’ve also sent a copy of this letter to Condoleeza Rice to speed up the process. If you're too busy with the brush, I'm sure she could place the necessary call to Omar.

Anyway, have a great time on your vacation and don’t fall off your bicycle! (Ha! Ha! Just a little joke!)

Your friend,

Lazlo Toth
Voting for Republicans (both indicted and unindicted) since 1952!

(Inspired by Don Novello's Lazlo Toth Letters)

[whistle]

1. Actually George W Bush has been fu*king the camel which is why

...the world is getting screwed as well!