I was left behind!!! Check in if you were too!

[Clark2008]

It's now 4:55 p.m. on the East Coast (Tennessee, to be more precise) on "Rapture Day" 8/3/06. and, thus far, I have not been Raptured.

No one I know has been Raptured.

I haven't seen any flying people, either!!! :wow:

Check in here if you've been Left Behind!

(P.S. I was really hoping I wouldn't have to, you know, PAY for my new house).

[Tandalayo_Scheisskopf]

1. I hope I get left behind.

I could use the clothes, a car, a house and a job market that is a little easier.

[neoblues]

2. Not only NOT been Raptured, but Left Behind, AND Kind of

Dumped On, Run Over, Left Out and Forgotten.

edit: added "but"

[SoCalDem]

3. These folks got raptured... (not what they expected)

http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=364x1693396

SoCalDem Donating Member (1000+ posts) Fri Jul-21-06 07:37 AM
Original message

Cindy Lou & Jim Get Raptured......a cautionary tale


All through the McMansion there has been a super-charged atmosphere for weeks, as the family gets ready for their big trip.. Cindy cannot tear herself from the TV. Fox News is sending her "signals"..It's all falling into place.. It's TIME to get ready..The anticipation is so great that the whole family is almost in danger of being mistaken for Shakers..

Sometimes it seems as if there is too much to do, to ever get ready, but then this trip requires no packing (all worldly goods will be left behind)...but Jim has faithfully been washing and waxing the cars..(cleanliness IS next to Godliness, after all)

Cindy Lou still has Consuela dust all the treasures and wax the antique furniture.

The best part of the whole anticipation is that Cindy Lou has finally been able to give up that darned daily trip to the gym. She wonders aloud sometimes, if her gym-buddies miss her. (Jesus loves her just as she is). Of course while the pre-Rapture time passes, there's no need to pass up all those "forbidden fruits"...and she's not talking about APPLES..

Gluttony is a sin, but even Jesus will surely be in favor of the family savoring the last few bits of "worldly goods", so the Domino's guy has been getting a real workout, and those "all-you-can-eat" places are a treasure too (especially the dessert table), now that dieting is not necessary. Those expensive size 2's can just hang there for all eternity.. Cindy Lou won't be needing them when she meets Jesus.

Jim is having a "wardrobe" quandary though, and has faithfully been researching the exact time-frame of the rapture itself.. You see, he is wondering if he should swallow those little pills as he gets raptured, because if he puts them in his pockets, they will get left behind. He's hoping that things "up there" will be so perfect that the little pills won't be necessary for his issues "down there", but the Bible does say "Always Be Prepared"...(or.. that was the boy scouts manual.)... anyway he's thinking that if he swallows them really fast, he and Cindy Lou can truly "christen" their new digs up there with Jesus. Surely Jesus will be distracted at SOME point, what with all the fellow Christians arriving en masse.. Perhaps they can sneak off to a secluded place and have some privacy. Rumor has it that privacy still might exist "up there"..

The children are have a few difficulties preparing for their journey. Sixteen year old Tiffani swears it's because she's rather attached to her charge cards, and her Morris Minor, but unbeknownst to the parents, it's really because her secret boyfriend just happens to be named Carlos, and being Catholic, he's being left behind. This will come as good news to his Mom, Consuela.

Jacob Lucas (aged 18, and a freshman in college) is not all that happy to leave his friends. He's seriously thinking of converting to the Baha'i faith just in case. He says he will, but he may not actually have time, since Mom & Dad are pretty sure this whole thing's going down pretty soon. Jake has always been a procrastintor, so he still carries around the unread flyers about the faith. He may get around to reading them after the Beer Bash this weekend.

One good thing about the rapture is that Mom & Dad have given him full use of the credit cards, so he's having a really great time driving around in the Hummer, and filling it up with premium..(no one's going to actually have to pay the bill anyway). His friends are enjoying the fact that Jake's paying no matter where they go or how much the tab is.

Both kids really want to stay behind, especially if it means that Mom & Dad WON'T be staying, but in their heart of hearts they know they too will probably end up raptured too, so they plan on having as much fun as they can while they can.





whooooooosh.....

Cindy Lou looks around and is a bit startled to see some blank stares, where she expected smiles...but then, dental work apparently gets left behind too.. It's rather stuffy, and smells faintly of fish sauce and Shalimar perfume. There are quite a few bald men (toupees get left too), but at least blonde women are not extinct here..

She and her family take cuts to speed up their turn to get to the front of the line..

Finally it's their turn..

Well THAT was a big surprise..

It turns out that the Rapture is not what they expected. It's really about attonement, and there's been someone keeping score. Apparently being nice to only the people you LIKE, is not that much of a virtue, and not paying your fair share is not acceptable either.The rapture seems to be the protestant version of Purgatory..and Cindy Lou's not a happy camper.. The scene from that old movie keeps running through her mind.. "IT'S A COOKBOOK"!!

So, for eternity they get to defy gravity, BUT, they must look down for all eternity and see what they have left behind..they must watch as Carlos drives that shiny Hummer, and checks the time on Jim's Rolex..Cindy has to watch as Consuela puts her FEET up on that Chippendale table while she and her family wait for their catered meal to arrive. She has to watch Consuela interview housekeepers..She has to watch as Consuela pours her expensive perfume (Freedom Perfume) into the bath water.. She has to watch as Consuela puts her precious shitzu, Mitzi-Pitzi on the back porch.

The "left behinders" are very tired.. They have spent days just picking shit up.. Its been a veritable "Easter Egg Hunt"..with Faberge eggs..and gems...and cell phones dancing on concrete..and designer clothes..and those damned little blue pills.. The neighborhood dogs are going CRAZY after mistaking them for doggy treats... All over the place people are saying THANK YOU JESUS FOR TAKING THESE ASSHOLES OFF OUR HANDS..as they survey their new digs, and toodle around on less crowded freeways.

PS..God is a Divorced Gay Black Woman named Edith...she wears a purple, beaded caftan with Mardi Gras beads..and red flip-flops...Jesus is half black-half Chinese

[onethatcares]

33. that rocked

specially the Jesus part about being a half chinese / half black.

[im10ashus]

4. I must have too.

Why was today supposed to be the day? I've been out of the loop on that one. Heathen that I am.

:evilgrin:

[Oceansaway]

5. just checking in....

and waiting to be 'raptured'.....:rofl:

[porphyrian]

6. Dammit! Another one...

Look, I'm not going to get a decent car if you people don't start getting taken up. Flap your arms or something...

[Beausoleil]

23. Unfortunately

It's mostly gas guzzlers that get LB. I'll take a house, though! Maybe a boat, too.

[porphyrian]

36. Ooh, yeah, a boat! And a jetski! I want a jetski! - n/t

[last1standing]

7. I think a friend of mine was raptured today!

He owes me money and I haven't been able to find him all day. :shrug:

[tnlefty]

8. Nope, and my polling place was busier this time than in the May

primary. I just made a pitcher of diaquiri's (pineapple rum, fresh pineapple and banana so I can try to pass it off as a health food drink) - I keep waiting so that I can send them off with something cool and refreshing. :evilgrin: So far, nothing.

[Benhurst]

9. Benhurst cannot respond to your post because he

suddenly disappeared at 4:54PM EDT. This is an automated message.

[Mr_Jefferson_24]

10. Really? It's been raining frogs here all afternoon.

[YDogg]

11. I'm guessing I am left behind. But surely there will be DU in heaven ...

... so maybe I am gone.

[Jara sang]

12. I saw some empty clothes on somebodies front lawn.

[ThomWV]

13. Who Says Today Is Rapture Day?

I thought it was a regular thursday. I didn't expect the Rapture on any day other than a Sunday.

[Cleita]

14. Yep, left behind and proud of it.n/t

[sinkingfeeling]

15. Me too, thank God.

[SutaUvaca]

16. Arrrghhh!

I'm still here. Unfortunately the house I wanted belongs to a fellow heathen. However, the pastor's wife who lives behind me is still here and she seems to have taken up sunbathing. :-)

[Mist]

17. But, but, now I won't get my pic of ticky-tack McMansions! nt

[Kadie]

18. I'm still here.

I haven't noticed anyone missing yet either.

[cynatnite]

19. Called my RW mom to make sure...nope, not yet n/t

[Nikki Stone 1]

20. I thought I was raptured, but it was only a fudge bar

A great fudge bar though....

[longship]

21. I still think it will be all the homeless.

They fit the description pretty well.

Blessed are the poor in spirit
Blessed are those who mourn...
Blessed are the hunger and thirst for righteousness...
Blessed are those persecuted for righteousness' sake...
Blessed are the meek...
Blessed are the merciful...
Blessed are the pure of heart...
Blessed are the peacemakers...

[Fleshdancer]

25. I think the Quakers will go first

They would definitely deserve it. Have you ever met an asshole Quaker? I haven't. ;)

[longship]

37. Do you mean other than Richard Nixon?

:evilgrin:

[Fleshdancer]

41. well hell

I forgot about Nixon. x(

[Critters2]

74. Or Herbert Hoover

who wasn't really that big an asshole, just not president material.

[MadHound]

40. Nixon comes to mind

But I think he was a seriously lapsed Quaker.

[Clark2008]

78. Wait! I thought Babs Bush was the Quaker Oats "gal!"

[Crunchy Frog]

54. I have. n/t

[guinivere]

67. Naw. I'm thinking the Amish.

Anybody that works that freakin hard and help one another out deserve the first flight out.

[Critters2]

76. They run some pretty nasty puppy mills eom

[Fleshdancer]

22. Me too! Now I have to go find a nice abandoned car to adopt

:party:

[calico1]

24. I'm still here.

One of my cats went flying through the air trying to get a fly but that's as close as it got. I have not seen people flying through the air either. But then I live in New England and we are mostly heathen here anyway. :D

[Tierra_y_Libertad]

26. You have to send more $$$. Real estate is 'spensive in heaven.

Just imagine the upkeep on the Pearly Gates and Streets of Gold with all the Rubes scuffin' 'em up and spittin' tobbacca juice on 'em.

[Trailrider1951]

27. Yup, I was left behind, and so was my fundy sister

Heheheheh :evilgrin:

[onethatcares]

28. I musta missed the memo

sheesh, now what will I do?

[demgurl]

29. I was left behind and thankfully......

the A/C guy was as well. I don't know how I would have made it through this day if he hadn't finally come after I baked for four hours in this heat.

I guess we are all sinners in this family. Hubby and the kids are still here as well! We are all left behind.

[warrens]

30. Anyone know a website where these morons hang out?

I saw a link to one a few days ago, where they were all saying they were too excited to go to work, etc. etc. I want to see what they have to say now. It should be hilarious.

[Mabus]

43. Raptureready's forum

http://www.rr-bb.com/forumdisplay.php?f=20

[Karmadillo]

31. Major league global typo. It's RUPTURE day.

Don't lift anything heavy until after midnight.

[Gidney N Cloyd]

32. Uh-oh. Someone was knocking on my office door while I was

trying to take a nap.

[ceile]

34. Still here.....

[Virginia Dare]

35. My dog is very happy I did not get raptured...

because she didn't either, and she needs her supper in a few minutes.

[Mandate My Ass]

39. LOL

My evil doggie didn't either. I wonder what she's been up to when I'm not home. She did poop on the neighbor's lawn one time but, hey, that one's on me.

[malta blue]

38. Dammit...I knew I was going to hell.

:rofl:
Rapture...

[Karmakaze]

55. Don't be too upset...

Look at it this way, now you KNOW you're going to hell you can do anything you want! I mean you're going to hell anyway, right? So may as well have some fun now and make it worthwhile!

[6000eliot]

42. As a filthy queer, of course I am left behind!

:hi:

[im10ashus]

57. But think how pretty we will make the place.

Fashion-forward and roll out the bubbly!

:hi:

[6000eliot]

65. Indeed, 10

It's queer makeovers for everyone as we all face the apocalypse!

[guinivere]

66. Yay! That's sounds great.

I do so need a makeover. Oh, this is gonna be great. :woohoo:

When are they leaving? I want my makeover!!




:party:

[longship]

44. This thread is getting good.

Especially the revival of the "Cindy Lou and Jim" post.

Recommending.

[longship]

45. The idiot Rapture Rightists are watching Israeli Web Cams.

To see if they can see people in the earlier Israeli time zones get ruptured.

Fools!

[ismnotwasm]

46. Well, to quote Huckleberry Finn

"Now she had got a start, and she went on and told me all about the good place. She said all a body would have to do there was to go around all day long with a harp and sing, forever and ever. So I didn't think much of it. But I never said so. I asked her if she reckoned Tom Sawyer would go there, and she said not by a considerable sight. I was glad about that, because I wanted him and me to be together."

Cheers to all my left behind friends!

[NJCher]

47. Raptured is as raptured does

I am seriously upset about this. I made a Rapture Uniform out of my bedsheet so I would be ready to go. Been sitting here on the steps, waiting. And now this?

It just ain't right. Just ain't right.





Cher

[Alexodin]

48. No Child Left Behind! Of course thats just code for no child's

behind left. Oh thats a paddlin.

I said all the right words and stood outside making the touchdown signal until my arms got tired and I got really hot so I went back inside and got a cold beer, guess its all just a bunch of hooey, oh well I gave it a shot. They say its today because 8/3 is the anniversary of the destruction of the temple or some such rot.

[Karmakaze]

49. The rapture DID happen!

Only god was REALLY sneaky. Check it out:

"NEW YORK (Reuters) - Conservative Christian broadcaster Pat Robertson said on Thursday the wave of scorching temperatures across the United States has converted him into a believer in global warming."
http://today.reuters.com/news/newsarticle.aspx?type=domesticNews&storyid=2006-08-03T182715Z_01_N03438084_RTRUKOC_0_US-ROBERTSON.xml&src=rss&rpc=22

Now obviously the REAL Pat Robertson would NEVER have said such a thing, so here is OBVIOUSLY what happened:

Pat and all the other good Christians have been raptured, but God in his inifinite sneakiness (remember the dinosaur bones he planted to test us? Sneaky God!) replaced the raptured faithful with decent human beings who are actually able to seek reasonable answers based on evidence!

See its all so OBVIOUS! I bet there is even a quote from the Bible that can be twisted to prove it! Did I say twisted? I mean "revealed". Yeah thats what I mean.

Anyway, the rapture happened and you can't prove otherwise!

[Rosemary2205]

50. DON'T GIVE UP TOO SOON PEOPLE!

Remember, Aug 3rd lasts until 5am eastern Aug 4th -- God has until 5am eastern to get all the people in the air. I'm going to wear makeup to bed just in case.

[guinivere]

69. Don't forget the manicure. At that RaptureReady site

one woman recommended it. Jesus loves nail polish.

[Crunchy Frog]

51. Hey! I've been raptured!!!

It's true. I don't know how it happened, but I'm sitting up here in the clouds with a bunch of naked Fundies, laughing at all you guys down there. Don't ask me how I managed to get internet access up here. O8)

[Karmakaze]

53. Heaven Online must have awesome bandwidth...

Tell me, can you still get porn?

[Crunchy Frog]

58. What is this "porn" that you speak of?

I'm afraid I'm not familiar with the term. The bandwidth is awesome though.O8)

Edit: I can still apparently make typos up here. :(

[Karmakaze]

59. Hmm maybe thats why you are up there...

and Im still down here, apparently with a ticket for the basement.

[Sparkly]

52. I thought "SparklyJr" got raptured.

I went into her room, and her clothes were lying there, on the floor -- a sure sign somebody's been lifted from the bounds of earth and taken up to Heaven!

Then I remembered I was in SparklyJr's room. There are always clothes on the floor in there.

(Sorry, sweetie -- just a joke! :loveya:)

[RebelOne]

56. No abandoned cars on the road,

so I guess there are a lot who were left behind. Darn, I was hoping to get a new car.

[Blue_In_AK]

60. Still here.

Was this supposed to be the day? I don't know any fundies, so I don't know if they're still around Anchorage or not.

[lumberjack_jeff]

61. My neighbor went to heaven and all I got was his minivan.

Is acetone a good way to remove bumper stickers?

[mcscajun]

84. There's a bumper sticker in there somewhere...

:)

"My neighbor got raptured..."

[treestar]

62. I have been left behind, and so have my fundie relatives

Guess Jesus decided they weren't so Christian after all.

[wellst0nev0ter]

63. Checking. . .Checking. . .

umm. . .nope, still Catholic. Looks like Purgatory for me :(

[Justice Is Comin]

64. Maybe they meant ruptured.

[Keseys Ghost]

68. I can't help but notice that there's a whole lot more room

here in St Tammany Parish all of a sudden.

[peacefreak]

70. Still earthbound.

But haven't seen the cat in a few hours. You don't think...? Damn, I should have fed him more kitty treats.

[izzybeans]

71. Actually I'm the only person to have been raptured all you other

suckers are stuck typing into DU on your own dime. I'm doin' this shit via my born-again. I'm totally possessing someone right now. The spirit world is the shit. 70 virgins of both genders all of them bisexual. The roads are made of fluffy white swedish down mattresses and everything works via coop up here.

Sorry.

But I've been raptured. I tried to tell you atheism was the way to go. But no one listened.

[Critters2]

72. I've been visiting parishioners all afternoon

and, as far as I can tell, my whole church has been left behind. Which is what my fundy colleagues told me would happen. But at least they won't be here to say they told me so!

Wait...my secretary just called to ask for tomorrow as a vacation day to take her kids to the beach. So, I guess they didn't make it, either.

We have the place to ourselves!!

[yorkiemommie1]

73. still waiting...

got a few hours left here in CA.

[Amonester]

75. I saw one (just one) Unidentified Flying Object this afternoon!

I saw another one last month (June 24), another one last summer, and a couple of UFOs in April 1973.

Aside from that (all were "encounters of the first kind"), I never saw any human bodies floating up in the air, and moving toward any of 'em (including today!). :party:

[NMMNG]

77. As far as I know the entire world has been Left Behind

It appears the Rapture is still on hold. Darn, I'm really wanting to be free of the fundies.

[Clark2008]

79. 27 minutes and counting on the east coast

And the only flying up in the air I've done is because of the beer I'm drinking while watching some Dems in my very Republican county win some seats on a local level (it's a start)! :bounce:

Of course, according to Republicans, a Democratic candidate winning means the Rapture IS upon us. :evilgrin:

[Patsy Stone]

80. I'm still here

But I think I'm going to bed. If I'm left behind, do I still have to go to jury duty on Monday?

:hi:

[LynneSin]

81. I hope that neighbor with the nice Tbird convertable was raptured

I like that car and I think I'll get up early to claim it

[proud patriot]

82. I have not left

so I must be left behind :think: I think :shrug:

[RagAss]

83. I was taken at 4pm....they threw me back at 4:30...and......

No fuckin beer....cheap bastards....

[progressivebydesign]

85. I'm still here!!! And oddly enuff, all my born-again neighbors, too. n/t