Get ready to LAUGH like you have

[QuettaKid]

NEVER laughed before. Hate mail to the FSM. Especially priceless is the "jesusmarine" threatening to sue. Pure comedy gold!!

http://fsm.typepad.com/hatemail/

[Lochloosa]

1. I hate "text message" writing.....auuuugghhhh

think
hey,u know what none cares Wat u think about God's sense of humor,u know what u may not be christian but,there's lot of people out there trying 2 seek God n they don't need any info, about God by u so,i think it will b better if u stop n start acting more like a christian even if u r not .

[meegbear]

2. Those were great!

My favorite line: "the Bible is 100% true- it says so in the Bible". Well, that settles that.

[jonnyblitz]

8. many DO use the bible as proof that the bible is true.

I have seen it. :crazy:

[jonnyblitz]

9. self-delete posted to myself by mistake. nt

[sutz12]

33. I love it when they quote the 4 gospels as "multiple sources"

:rofl:

[cgrindley]

61. I said I was exaggerating about requiring a licence

to own a bible, but maybe I should have been serious.

[NMMNG]

71. Yes, that circular reasoning is a hallmark of fundies.

"God is real, it says so in the Bible. And I know the Bible is true because the Bible tells me so." :P

[kiki]

18. I reckon that one e-mail

is a joke. Read it again... it's a pretty good satire of how these loonballs "think".

[meegbear]

20. But there are people who think like that ...

"God exists"
"How do you know?"
"The Bible says so"
"How does the Bible know?"
"Because it was inspired by God"

[Lance_Boyle]

45. Don't forget the technicalities,

like "midgets are people." I'm still not sure what he point was trying to get across with that little pearl of wisdom. Dear gawds why do I have to share an Earth with these mouth-breathers?

[Ravenseye]

3. I like this one...Shows why I don't like these sorts of people

"There is absolutely no way science can prove or disprove anything about the origins of life, about where this solar system or universe came from, because we were simply not there. And this tool we call science is just a tool, created by human minds, molded and shaped to fit the confines of our understanding."

I love it because he's absolutely right. We can't scientifically 'prove' it beyond a reasonable doubt. I mean...it's I guess possible that a higher order of being created everything and even planted fossils of dinosaurs to throw us off the trail, etc.

The difference is that science gathers evidence from observations and the world around us to piece together an answer. He relies on the translated writings of a bronze age homeless man.

I'll take science.

[RebelOne]

4. I can't believe that these people take the FSM seriously.

Don't they realize that it is just tongue-in-cheek humor?

[baldguy]

5. Maybe tongue-in-cheek, but there's a serious message

[wordpix2]

68. some of them do realize it but they can't stand the humor & they don't get

it, either :banghead:

[DRoseDARs]

6. Casey Powell was a riot... update 9? And the comments that followed? LOL

Dude, get a fucking job. Suing random people on Teh Internets is not a good way to make an honest living.

[calico1]

10. Nice language for a Christian, eh?

:rofl:

[Buck Turgidson]

49. There is a "Casey Powell" on MySpace...

http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendid=34860391
With all the mandatory Christian references.

Just saying.

[Guaranteed]

50. Ain't it funny to read the writings of stupid people trying to act

"all smart"?

[underpants]

7. Printing for later reading.

[jonnyblitz]

11. what is this "fork on a cross" stuff about?

:rofl:

[zanne]

12. "I sware if I met you....

I would make you want to die!!!!!!!" PS Jesus loves you
I just love this stuff. By the way, how's that "lawsuit" going? ROFL

[formerrepuke]

13. The word 'faggot' seems to be employed in almost every letter...

I shudder to think what goes on in those megachurches. May His noodliness forgive them.

[soothsayer]

14. Hey, now I understand why the repukes relish fear so much!

Thanks to this one: "Bobby, I happened upon your website. I believe that the most frightening situation a human being can be in is to lose the fear of their Creator, fear that brings about wisdom, understanding, honor, humility, service to their family, church and neighbors. It is a fear that seeks to give their creator all of the glory, fear that acts as a boundary trying, lovingly, to prevent us from venturing into self destructive sin and choosing evil, fear that allows us to leave if we wish but desperately desires that we return if only we would so choose. It is a fear that starts with an abhorence of our disrespect, rejection of our pride, but ends in the safety and security and peace that lies deep within, and far from, the threshold and conviction we know as the emotion called "fear." It is the beginning of wisdom and we, as God's children, crossed the maginot line when we began our infinite journey towards honoring God. You have lost your fear of God."

Fear is their great...uniter?

[Jo March]

52. Some churches preach fear, some preach love and hope

I grew up in a church that preached fear and sprinkled it with a dash of bigotry and hatred.

I know attend a church that preaches love and hope. I'm not one to be won over by fear tactics but some folks are. Those are the same people who * keeps "in line" with all of the "terror, terror, terror" talk.

[OnionPatch]

55. How pathetic.

If I were God, I'd be insulted that my "children" had to be "scared" into doing the right thing. I question the validity of any morality that is born of fear. When you do something out of fear, it's selfishness, not righteousness.

[wordpix2]

69. yes & * is the great decider not divider, to unite thru fear. My friend

from VA says, "The rest of the country does not understand the hold of Christian fundamentalism in the southern states. These people believe the Rapture is here with these wars in the Middle East."

She also said these fundies are usually poor, poorly educated and have terrible lives, so the idea of the Rapture and deliverance by the Second Coming is what they hold onto because their lives are so awful in the here and now.

My southern friend really sheds light on uderstanding these issues from the view of poverty stricken, poorly educated fundies, IMO.

[NMMNG]

72. Fear makes people wise and gives them security and peace.

That's why torture victims and abused women and children are so full of self-esteem and trust of others. :sarcasm:

[soothsayer]

15. Hey! This IS the best proof that Jesus exists!

"YOU WANT PROOF THAT JESUS EXISTS? HOW ABOUT THE FACT HE HASN'T KILLED YOU FOR ALL THE FUCKED UP THINGS YOU SAY AND FOR BEING A LIBERAL COCKSUCKER"

LOL, that logic could sway anyone, I reckon.

[flobee1]

16. That does it!

I'm buying the book today!
-and a fundie convinced me to
-"Being a devout and practicing Christian for the last 37 years of my life I was outraged by you’re flipint attitude towards us folk who accepted jesus. I was about to send you a letter detailing how I was going to rip out you’re intestance and use it as a condom while I fuck some nice sized holes into your retarded brain and hyenas eat your knees off but then I realized that I had not heard one of my fellow bretheren of the lord asking God about this. So I did just that last night. Do you know what God said to me? You’re never gone believe this, he said you were right. That’s right you son of a bitch, he said everything you have said about this flying spaghetti monster is true. He admitted to me that he had been taking credit for creating the universe thinking that no one would ever believe the truth because of how stupid it sounds. He now sees that he was mistaken about this as you have shown to the world the most preposterous ideas are always correct. Thus you must be the incarnate son of the FSM and should be worshiped as such. God wanted me to pass along a message that he is very sorry about all of taking undue credit and hopes that your majesty will not be pressing charges. He’s been really busy working on a new book right now and, besides, his umbrella liability policy does not pick up coverage for that type of peril. Hey, I’m sorry too, ok, dude? Friends?"-:rofl:

[jonnyblitz]

28. LMFAO!

:rofl:

[OnionPatch]

57. Sounds like a loving Christian

nt

[fasttense]

17. It is hard to believe so many people

get so upset because you made a joke. I am dumbfounded by the fact they spent so much time telling you how wrong you are. What are they so afraid of?

[gatorboy]

21. It shows a lack of faith in their own beliefs. n/t

[gatorboy]

19. You have to feel for people who have so little faith in their beliefs,

that they fear there's a chance of flying spaghetti converting the flock....

Though maybe they're scared for a reason. The Gospel of the Flying Spaghetti Monster (Paperback) which came ot in March is #167 on Amazon. That's not bad for a book about flying spaghetti!

Remember Mary Cheney's book?

Neither do I. It's at #62,269.

[Marr]

22. "...the Bible is 100% true- it says so in the Bible."

There's some solid reasoning for ya!

[QuettaKid]

23. kick. just for laughs. nt.

.

[Bassic]

40. If God exists,

I wonder what he thinks the Lords of Dumbfuckistan as his most devout followers.

[TahitiNut]

62. It's just STUNNINGLY obtuse!

Incredible. And it's a repeated theme, too. How can a mind not short-circuit and drizzle out through one's nose with such a thought? Gawd! :wow:

:rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

[sakabatou]

24. It's amazing how many people take FSM seriously.

oh, and also Jenovaism

[MadHound]

25. Damn, for a religion that is based on peace and love,

Way too many of its followers are psychoticly violent. It seems that Christianity is reverting to the old "convert them or kill them" method of reasoning. Sad, really sad.

[GaYellowDawg]

26. This was my favorite:

"I follow Jesus for his teachings of love and tolerance; it is people like you who make me sick, I hope you die in a lake of fire and get your eyes pecked out by crows, so that you may go to hell and exist for eternity in a lake of fire getting your eyes pecked out by crows.

With love,

Charlie"

I'm guessing Charlie doesn't see the disconnect there.

[truebrit71]

29. THAT is effin' funny!!!

"I follow jesus for his teachings of love an tolerance, now go and DIE!!"

OMIGOD that's so funny!!! :rofl:

[Guaranteed]

48. That letter was satire. nt

[Hissyspit]

51. Yes.

[NMMNG]

73. Charlie needs remedial lessons

on the meanings of "love" and "tolerance". :eyes:

[MamaBear]

27. K&R for the afternoon people

:rofl:

[Tsiyu]

30. We laughed ourselves to tears last night over these

"ACCEPT JESUS INTO YOUR HEART YOU SON OF A WHORE" was my fave.

:rofl:

[squarepants]

32. omg, I read something REALLY scary on there.

someone said on that site, that "anybody who questions is a tool of Satan....and God does our thinking for us." That is the most scary thing I have ever heard. Believing in God is one thing, but having completely blind faith without asking questions is wacky!

Also, does'int seam lik most of thim cann spel simpel wurds.

[Tsiyu]

54. Welcome to DU, squarepants

they seem to be able to spell "god" and "faggot" and "hell" okay, though!

:hi:

[NuttyFluffers]

75. OH. MY. GOD. That needs to be a t-shirt! Stat!

:silly:

[varun]

31. I'm sure that those who are "offended" by your website

are extremely offensive towards gays, minorities and other religions. Otherwise they would not react so violently like they do in their hate mails.

[shadowknows69]

34. Really scary stuff

Thanks for the post

[sakabatou]

35. Total. Fundie. Right. Here:

"Abortion is wrong, it says so in the bible, I dare you to go look it up- you probably won't find it, but that's just because your gay, which is also wrong- it says so in the Bible. Now some of us will be wondering the justification for that moral assertion, but remember the Bible is flawless- it says so in the Bible."

I want to know which bible he has been reading...

[Bassic]

38. Don't you mean

which Bible he's been smoking?

[sakabatou]

53. LOL

[warrens]

36. Damn, that was good

They condemn themselves with their own words. The Bible is infallible because it says so in the Bible? Hilarious. Well, FSM is infallible because FSM says so.

This quote is great:

Lets say I told you that all people go to either heaven, a good place, or hell, a bad place, when they die. If you said that you know that nothing happens when you die but that one just ceases to exist and it turns out you were right, then great, neither of us loses so it doesnt matter what I believe now does it? But if I was right and you were wrong, then you just took the biggest gamble with your soul.

In other words, he's a chickenshit dickhead who has no principles or beliefs and is such a widdle baby he's afraid god will smite him if he doesn't suck up to him. Like another fundie wrote, jesus doesn't need us to worship him. Well, if so, why bother? Is god so small-minded that he needs cowardly idiots sucking up to him to avoid "hell"?

Gad, I hate fundies.

[Bassic]

37. Man, that is one big messof confusion.

I always find it mind boggling that creationists can delude themselves by saygin that evolution is "only a theory". It seems to escape their feeble minds that evolution is only called a theory because it has not etirely been observed yet. But it is one of those theories that are both theory and fact. Because indeed, many aspects of evolution have long been proven. I find this extremely sad from people who consider themselves the most civilised in the world.

[dalaigh lllama]

39. Oh. My. Noodly. God.

These people are seriously oxygen-deprived. I can only guess that explaining the concept of satire to them would be as easy as explaining the concept of color to a blind person. How is it possible for them to function in society? Here's some more choice tidbits:

What does Jesus say, "Before there was Abraham, I am." Meaning, I was real from the very beginning of time. I am displays a claim to deity here. "I am who I am" from Exodus.

Um, I thought that was Popeye's line. Oh wait, Popeye said "I yam what I yam." Jesus said "I am who am."
Edited to correct: It was God/Yahweh who said "I am who am" back in Exodus. As I recall (:eyes:), Jesus doesn't make any comments until the new Testament.

Here's some other satire-challenged fools:

I hope you rhappy. Your crazy cult has turned my best friend upside down. he is now expelled from school because he punched numerous teachers for not teaching the believe of the stupid spaghetti crap. last weekend i saw him and asked "why did you do this Tucker" he said that somebody named [e-mail] sent himm an e-mail telling him to hurt maybe even kill people that would not respect your so called "religion". I HATE YOU. MY FRIEND IS GOING THROUGH SO MUCH COUNSELING BECAUSE NO ONE BELIEVS HIM THEY THINK HES CRAZY. STOP YOUR STUPID CULT NOW!!!!!!!!!! BEFORE OTHER PEOPLE GET HURT. I sware if i met u i would make you want to die!!!!!

Is it possible? Could one of these idiots really believe the FSM was serious? Er... series?


:rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

[Canuckistanian]

41. The first post had me out of breath just reading it

Does the Bible outlaw punctuation, too?

[Canuckistanian]

43. My favorite excerpt:

I do believe you are a fucking retard and I hope you burn in hell. Fuck you and the flying spaghetti monster. Postmodernism is a self defeating concept.

[flvegan]

42. I wish the Bible had a grammar, punctuation and language

coherence section somewhere in it. Maybe these folks would be drawn into NOT sounding like idiots.

"Mocking Christianity with the fork on cross and FMS eating Jesus fish is gay mocking other religonsd is eniterly wrong and unnesecary just because you disagree with us and would rather worship something that is clearly fake is your problem so please do not mock other religons in your quest for the Spaghetti god"

I can't even hit the "Check Spelling" button for fear of blowing the DU servers.

[Dora]

44. "You Are the Biggest Hypocrite"

I'll go straight to the finish:

As a Christian, I follow Jesus for his teachings of love and tolerance; it is people like you who make me sick, I hope you die in a lake of fire and get your eyes pecked out by crows, so that you may go to hell and exist for eternity in a lake of fire getting your eyes pecked out by crows.

:eyes:

[Guaranteed]

46. Dang, that Roy D. Carlson guy actually had it right

until his 5th paragraph. Then he takes a turn into Crazy Land.

[dalaigh lllama]

47. I can't stop laughing. Here's another quote.

:rofl:

you have been decived by satan himself he can disquise himself as anything including a bowl of pasta.

Oh, oh, oh... I'm laughing so hard here my stomach hurts.

[QuettaKid]

58. whew! ! !

I hadn't seen that one. I told you..... the whole thing is pure comedy gold. Glad I could help bring a smile to so many of you today!!:P :P :P :P

[thefuzz811]

56. Here is a great one that describes Fundies.

"You don't need to question, God does all the thinking for us; he actually has a degree in Philosophy."
This is why Bush has soooo much power over people. They are told over and over again, "Don't question, Pray about and God will give you the answer." Then they say "God hates queers, vote for Bush." And they don't question it because their leader tells them that God appointed him. I see this in the Mormon church too. We have the highest approval rating for Bush. If you start talking about anything that contridicts Republican talking points, they call you unamerican, and a terrorist.

[quiet.american]

59. I pity the fools.

The people who sent in those messages are so mentally limited, it makes me wonder how they found the site in the first place.

[mimitabby]

63. laughing is good. thank you

not much to laugh about lately in this big world.

[quiet.american]

65. :) n/t

[mcscajun]

60. Two highlights

"Charles Darwin went insane when he was 28 anyways (didn't know that did you?)"
Oh, really? :rofl:

The repeated 24-hour ultimatums...that have gone on for WEEKS now. :rofl:

This isn't so much hate mail as pure delusional spew.

[QuettaKid]

64. KICK. . . . just because.

:rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

[yurbud]

66. this may be proof that man DIDN'T evolve from apes...

some of us aren't as smart as monkeys.

[wordpix2]

67. LMAO!@!!!! Thanks for the comic relief in the Age of Fossil Fuel Wars!!!

:loveya:

[Sweet Freedom]

70. "eniterly wrong "

eniterly?

[ornotna]

74. Thats the owrst post ive ever seen!

Ha! And to think, these people could be our neighbors. Frickin' scary.

[Rex]

76. '...why doesn't heaven have a stripper factory and a beer volcano?'

Priceless line, should be used in a song! Awesome!!!!