Friendships..how far and what is not "Scorched Earth"

[benny05]

This is about friendship in general.

A male friend is going through a tough time in breaking up with his girlfriend. He has been through a divorce 10 yrs previous to now, and I think this is why he and the girlfriend who lived together were what they were; in other words, no legal commitment, but in his mind, it was. She wants to move on; he is unhappy, but knows the relationship needs some kind of "move on" or closure at some point soon. It's just not to his advantage, or so he says.

I admire this person, and generally, I understand him. In this case, he is taking a "scorched earth" or "cor-latteral damage) to his view point with the breakup. In both cases, I think he is "batten down the hatches", but I also think he is so hurt he cannot deal with anyone who is sympathetic or not. I have tried to be, but I think he is upset because I can maintain a friendship with a former spouse, especially if the divorce situation was so amicable because we waited a long time before making our decision and didn't see b/w for a number of years?

I wondering if it was because my former spouse's parents had died in the past two years, the last one in the last two weeks, and my spouse was willing to see me do give support to the former spouse (who had visited us over the New Year weekend and they got along well), and this friend is a bit envious, or not? My spouse cannot determine the emotions or thoughts either.

There are friends, but mainly family that think my spouse and I are weird. We may be, but I would argue that life is about the journey, and we need to continue to support people we liked, loved, and have had friendships with. Your thoughts? Pls, I would appreciate many thoughts and q's. Benny

[catnhatnh]

1. Hmmmm...

Love whom you can,don't hurt others unless you have to, and dance like no one is watching...how's that for pop psychology and not a bad way to approach life...this from an old white guy who dances poorly....

[Ready4Change]

2. Not sure if you are asking about your friend or yourself.

I'll take it as an open comment session. :)

I've known people who demand scorched earth ends to relationships. I understand their stance on it, but do not agree.

They seem to feel that to truly love, you must hold on, no matter how vile or destructive things become. To them, screaming, fighting, throwing things, destroying property, wrecking cars, are just normal parts of breaking up. (I admit I haven't seen all these in a single breakup, but I have seen all these things in one breakup or another.)

My opinion? I think these people are morons. I think they are selfish, spoiled brats, who lack the maturity to see that, even if a long term relationship with someone doesn't work, that doesn't mean the reasons you loved that person in the first place don't still exist.

Or, perhaps, they were so blinded with the concept of loving with all their heart, they failed to notice they hated the other persons guts.

Whichever, they are clueless morons who need to get over themselves and grow the hell up.

(Yeow. Don't I need a drink?)

[benny05]

3. It is and One I would Argue It's not Brokeback Mtn

I love my friend who is in pain, but it is not Brokeback Mtn, if that is what you are wondering. I think he is in horrible pain, but I think earthlinks or earthlends of being burned is unwise, but I'm wondering there many other men who feel as he does, when he feels...(he tends to think more. )

It has to do with friends, I dislike having to break bridges. Thanks for continued comments based on your thoughts or more important, experiences.

[Ready4Change]

4. I haven't seen Brokeback.

Not sure I've got the situation right. Sounds like your friend is a bit in denial about breaking up, and is saying that it can't be a break up, because there's been no screaming match, etc...? If he's really being left, he'll eventually need to get around that feeling, but it might take a while. That can be hard. He might also decide to have the screaming match all on his own. Might want to brace yourself incase you get an earful of it.

I admit I'm conflict averse. A screaming breakup is the last thing I want. And, thinking back on relationships, mine have all ended rather, well, businesslike. Or maybe with some tears, but with no screaming or damage. I'm kind of proud of that. But I've some friends who find it to be downright alien. If so, guess I'm a martian.

Hope things with your friend turn out ok.