Rapture is coming - one week, two days.

[ChairmanAgnostic]

That's right. That special time that we have all been waiting for is upon us. If you are a good Christian, if you have FAITH, and if you believe, truly believe, you can be saved!

Friday, July 28, 2006 is just around the corner. So you must hurry. If you truly believe, on that day, you will find yourself rising slowly from the ground and into the heavenly clouds, where the gates to Heaven will open to the few true believers! Gird yourself, for it will not be an easy task to get there. You must be 100% full of faith and 100% pure! You also have to physically be in Israel.

So, get to work. Sell your homes, cars, whatever - you won't need these earthly things in Heaven - and buy a plane ticket for Israel. You better hurry because time is short and only the true believers will be accepted. Quit your job, and tell your boss where you are going. Give him a blessing - you can afford to be generous, and it won't hurt his soul any.

Get thee and your family on the next plane! hurry, Time's a wasting.


- - -

For those heathen unbelievers: I believe that property sales may be hot in the south, south east and south central parts of the country. You might find some great deals on cars, too.

[JuniperLea]

1. I thought no man knew the day or hour

Who leaked?

[Kelvin Mace]

3. Bush is investigating the leak

and will prosecute the NYT for treason.

[Kelvin Mace]

2. I really, REALLY wish there was a rapture

because this planet would be a whole lot more peaceful and quiet with all these assholes gone.

[JuniperLea]

6. If only I could nominate...

BEST POST EVER!!

[Bad Penny]

45. I second that

[pointblank]

30. Sounds good in theory

But I think these mental midgets believe that only like one hundred something thousand people are the only ones who will actually be raptured, so that leaves us with a WHOLE LOT more fundies running around.

I wish it were that easy.

[Kelvin Mace]

69. Well, since when have they been right about anything

they believe? :)

I will personally sign a waiver so that EVERYONE who wants to be "raptured" can leave.

[bdamomma]

58. I agree

I think they should all wait on the WH lawn with george and get raptured.

[northernsoul]

4. Yep, better sell all your stuff and leave if you want to get raptured

I had a prophetic vision just last night. Don't miss this chance, my born-again friends!

[HeeBGBz]

15. Better yet, give me all your stuff

That way when I'm left behind I will have supplies to fight Satan's hoards. Yes, I volunteer to be left behind and fight when the rest of you fuck everything up and run away.

So I could use some cash and a fast car and maybe a villa in the south to regroup.

[northernsoul]

23. Ok, but I want any 'Nilla Wafers that get left behind

and I'll arm-wrestle you for the bedazzlers!

[HeeBGBz]

28. We could share Nilla's at my Villa

I'll make Nanner Pudding!

[northernsoul]

41. now you're talkin'!

Fighting off Satan's forces is going to be hungry work... and thirsty too - I suppose we're not going to get any decent booze left behind though, are we?

[Virginia Dare]

31. Why do the Rapture cultists sell off their stuff?

What good is money going to do you in heaven? Unless....



:shrug:

[Ilsa]

5. I heard that all those raptured woud be neked.

I heard it on Malloy last night. Neked as the day you were bairn. Is it worth to convert if we get to go neked?

[C_U_L8R]

14. So if i see some fat pink naked person

wildly flapping their arms.. I'll know it 's rapturetime

Thanks !!! Good to know.
I might have freaked at the sight of it.. now i'll just laugh
and wish 'em bon voyageeeeeee !!

[tanyev]

20. Dang. I'm going to start carrying an umbrella so I can shield my eyes.

[Ilsa]

48. Just stay out of Virginia.

The last two people I want to see naked are Jerry Falwell and Pat Robertson. Oh yeah, Oral Roberts also.

[ChairmanAgnostic]

7. "get your rapture, get your rapture here!"

"Get your Rapture while supplies still last."

"Be the first on your block to sell your house, your clothes, your car. Brag to your friends that you will be saved! Watch their expressions of envy as you pack your carry-on and head for the airport."

"Get your Rapture, hot off the press!"

[pooja]

8. Sell all your worldly possessions, go to Israel, and donate proceeds

to the church

[AlCzervik]

9. i'll be flying on 7/23, can the rapture be rescheduled?

[ChairmanAgnostic]

10. Shouldn't we be polite and spread the word?

It is the least we can do.

[northernsoul]

26. Yes, of course

How many of our born-again friends are here at DU? How can we get the word out to them?

[pstans]

11. I better make it to church this weekend

[C_U_L8R]

Why Wait? Avoid the Lines!

Leave NOW !!!!!

[tsuki]

12. You had me going until you said

"Sell your homes, cars, whatever." The Rapture Right here believes that they get to take all those thing with them to Heb'ben.

[TlalocW]

40. That's probably true

A pastor in the 1800s told his flock that he had calculated when the rapture was to occur, and on that day, the more competitive people climbed trees so they would have a head start, women opened parasols to help with their ascension, and some people strapped themselves to trunks filled with their favorite possessions so they could take them to Heaven. When it didn't happen, the pastor went back to the drawing board and found he had made a math error and gave a new date, and the whole scenario played out again.

That church eventually became the 7th Day Adventists.

TlalocW

[MoseyWalker]

13. An image of Jesus

he was kind of scruffy looking, with a dangerous looking mole on his forehead, appeared on my doughnut just now.

The image spoke and told me to tell all that he will still be on vacation on that day, but will try to get the rapture in his calendar. He will notify one of us by burning an image of mary magdalene on a ritz cracker.

[C_U_L8R]

17. Same here !!!

Jesus said to me "don't worry...eat more donuts.

do you think that was the "real jesus"
or was it "corporate sell-out jesus" ???

I'm so confused !!!!

[ProfessorGAC]

32. Did He Talk Golf?

If he did, that was Jesus. He's a fanatic about the game. I've played with him dozens of times. He does cheat though. If a putt is going off line, he moves the hole. Seems like a waste of miracle to me.
The Professor

[TechBear_Seattle]

16. We will all go together when we go

This thread, combined with events in the Middle East, have brought this Tom Lehrer song to mind....

When you attend a funeral,
It is sad to think that sooner or'l
Later those you love will do the same for you.
And you may have thought it tragic,
Not to mention other adjec-
Tives, to think of all the weeping they will do.
(But don't you worry.)

No more ashes, no more sackcloth,
And an arm band made of black cloth
Will some day nevermore adorn a sleeve.
For if the bomb that drops on you
Gets your friends and neighbors too,
There'll be nobody left behind to grieve.

And we will all go together when we go.
What a comforting fact that is to know.
Universal bereavement,
An inspiring achievement,
Yes, we will all go together when we go.

We will all go together when we go.
All suffused with an incandescent glow.
No one will have the endurance
To collect on his insurance,
Lloyd's of London will be loaded when they go.

Oh we will all fry together when we fry.
We'll be French fried potatoes by and by.
There will be no more misery
When the world is our rotisserie,
Yes, we will all fry together when we fry.

Down by the old maelstrom,
There'll be a storm before the calm.

And we will all bake together when we bake.
There'll be nobody present at the wake.
With complete participation
In that grand incineration,
Nearly three billion hunks of well-done steak.

Oh we will all char together when we char.
And let there be no moaning of the bar.
Just sing out a Te Deum
When you see that I.C.B.M.,
And the party will be come-as-you-are.

Oh, we will all burn together when we burn.
There'll be no need to stand and wait your turn.
When it's time for the fallout
And Saint Peter calls us all out,
We'll just drop our agendas and adjourn.

You will all go directly to your respective Valhallas.
Go directly, do not pass Go, do not collect two hundred dollahs.

And we will all go together when we go.
Every Hottentot and every Eskimo.
When the air becomes uranious,
We will all go simultaneous.
Yes, we all will go together
When we all go together,
Yes we all will go together when we go.

[ChairmanAgnostic]

47. geez, I love Tom Lehrer, his humor was one of a kind.

thanks for the reminder.
Now, back on me knees.

[meegbear]

18. Great! They schedule it on a Friday!

Could we reschedule for Monday the 31st so I can at least enjoy the weekend?

[LisaLynne]

22. And right before I get paid!

That totally sucks!

[calico1]

29. Do you have direct deposit?

Maybe they can get your money to you up in the hereafter. After all, considering how materialistic the fundies are there must be some shopping malls up there! ;-)

[TankLV]

59. And 2 days after the sale of my home in Honolulu for a nice profit!

Damn!

I just don't get no respect...

[bloom]

57. I thought that people were saying that it's Aug. 3rd.

:shrug:

That's supposed to be 40 days after something or other.

[meegbear]

65. That would be better I guess ...

then we'd get a 3-day weekend! :woohoo:

[calico1]

19. Don't forget to get your hair and nails done.

You want to look nice for Jesus! :crazy:

[Hubert Flottz]

21. I can't go that day I have a doctor's appointment...

how about the following monday?

Will there be an absentee rapture?

[phylny]

24. If possible, I'd like to stretch it to the first weekend in August.

I'm supposed to pick up my new puppy on 8/3 and I've already given a down payment.

[calico1]

27. I think I will pass altogether.

I know I will get a nose bleed if I am suddenly yanked upwards. Not to mention the pain in my ears!

[phylny]

37. Plus, who'll take care of my old dog and my puppy?

I'm with you. Forget it. I'm not ready yet.

[sutz12]

43. Hey, I'll take your pets....

but if the tribs get too dicey, they might end up in the pot. ;)

[MoseyWalker]

35. sorta like the NFL's supplemental draft?

sounds reasonable to me!

[zcflint09]

25. Donate all monies and home titles to ZCFlint09, LLC

We'll make sure to take good care of your homes and pets while you're gone.

Remember--according to the bible, you'll be coming back to the earth for the "thousand year reign of peace"--and we queers sure know how to interior decorate!

[tnlefty]

34. ROFL!!!

And welcome zcflint09! Thanks for the laugh.:thumbsup:

[sinkingfeeling]

33. I'm going to read the classifieds today...bet there'll be at least one

'Rapture' yard or garage sale this weekend!

[ellie]

38. Good idea!

I found the sweetest chair at a garage sale last week for only $5!

[Norquist Nemesis]

36. Slowly to heaven? I thought God was in a hurry to grab them

(us?) and whisk them (us?) to his breast!

Sure hope it's soon though. We could use 1,000 years of peace in this world.

[Bluzmann57]

39. No no no

Friday the 28th is no good! That is a huge weekend in this city and we just can't have a rapture that weekend. So it has to be rescheduled. Besides that, I have to work that day. I was thinking maybe later on,like when the Cubs win the World Series. Then we know damn well the world is ending.

[porphyrian]

42. Thank God. We'll be able to get a decent job again. - n/t

[laruemtt]

44. gotta be in jacksonville, florida,

august 3. hope the rapture's come and cleaned it out before we get there................

[Initech]

46. Nice, I'll finally be able to afford housing in LA!

:evilgrin:

[BlueStorm]

49. Can I have your house and car...

I'm on disability, so when you leave can I have your mansion and Benz?

Blue

[RagAss]

50. Friday ?...shit I can't make it...at the dog track on Fridays....!!

[kineneb]

51. way cool, our Red Hat group is going yard sale hopping Sunday

should be lots of stuff just waiting for us...doubt any of us will be raptured, so the shopping should be good

:evilgrin:

The Rapture Ready bunch are soooo... gulible.

[RandomKoolzip]

52. True story about Nashville, TN and the Y2K "Rapture Scare."

I was managing a kitchen in NAshville in the latter half of 2000. Several of the people on our staff asked a few weeks in advance of New Year's Day 2001 to be excused on 1/1/01, because they might be "raptured" on that day. They were serious. Honest!

I literally had to bite my tongue to kepp from laughing my ass off.

Apparently many churches in the area were preaching that the Rapture was going to happen on 1/1/01. Fuckin' idiots. :eyes:

Of course, a few of these people came in on 1/1/01, looking quite sheepish.

[Roland99]

53. Cool! Then Disney World will be a LOT less crowded when I'm there!

[longship]

56. Obviously you haven't heard about the Disney boycott.

Disney gives rights to gays. So the American Taliban has instituted a boycott.

If the rapture right gets raptured, the crowds at Disney will still be there.
;-)

[Roland99]

67. DOH!!

[spinbaby]

66. Me, too!

I'm doing Disney the second week in August (Florida in summer is dumb, I know, but I'm going to a convention). It'll be great to have the place free of those crazy southern fundy types.

[KyuzoGator]

54. WARNING: IN CASE OF RAPTURE, I'M TAKING YOUR CAR.

One of the best bumper stickers ever.

[longship]

55. Everybody believe and clap your hands!

It's called the Tinkerbell Syndrome.

Bunch of fucking lunatics. These people are going to be the end of us all.

[TankLV]

60. No, no, no - this is NOT good at all. We have to reschedule.

I'll have my people get back to your people.

BIG deadling near that day - besides, the house is JUST starting renovations - don't want to leave it such a mess.

October - no make it November - would be a lot better.

I should have a nice new Caddy by then, too. Nobody would be caught DEAD in my old beater!

And the deadlines should have passed.

Of course, I can't be sure - the Owners always change their minds and we're still changing the drawings...

Tell you what, I'll let you know in a couple of days...

[Hekate]

61. My bro once got a house & land from a guy who went off to join a spaceship

My brother's landlord just turned over the title papers "for the sum of one dollar" to make it official. That was in Oregon, back in 1975. The transaction held up, too.

See, that's what I want -- some generous soul who's about to be elevated to a higher plane to feel good about deeding me all their worldly possessions before they take off. I'd be happy to help them out. :P

(Sad but true postscript: When the Heaven's Gate cult offed themselves in San Diego, I recognized the pseudonyms of the man and woman who cooked it all up. They were operating in Oregon in 1975 -- same ones, just not into suicide quite yet.)

Hekate

[Voltaire99]

62. Dear Rapturebats: Please leave your homes unlocked.

Thanks, it'll make it all so much easier. Adios and lotsa luck with the halos.

[Vinca]

63. Dear Rapture People,

Please drop all fine art at my home prior to leaving . . . just in case.

[Swamp Rat]

64. Can't happen fast enough

[ChairmanAgnostic]

68. ONLY EIGHT MORE DAYS! Time's a wastin!