Dear Abby...

[meatloaf]

Dear Abby,

I am a crack dealer in New Jersey who has recently been diagnosed as a carrier of the HIV virus. My parents live in a suburb of Philadelphia and one of my sisters, who lives in Bensenville, is married to a transvestite. My father and mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana and are currently dependent on my other two sisters who are prostitutes in Jersey City. I have two brothers.

One is currently serving a non-parole life sentence in Attica for murder of a teenage boy in 1994. The other brother is currently being held in the Wellington Remand Center on charges of neglecting his three children.

I have recently become engaged to marry a former Thai prostitute who lives in the Bronx and, indeed, is still a part-time "working girl" in a brothel. Her time there is limited, however, as we hope to open our own brothel with her as the working manager. I am hoping my two sisters would be interested in joining our team. Although I would prefer them not to prostitute themselves, it would get them off the street, and, hopefully, the heroin.

My problem is this: I love my fiancé and look forward to bringing her into the family, and of course, I want to be totally honest with her.

So here's where I need your advice. Should I tell her about my cousin who voted for Bush?

Signed,

Worried About My Reputation

1. Republicans - lies and liars are the new kind of truth

You can't get into heaven unless you have done your dardn'st to screw other people over to be on top, and keep all your lies well under the carpet.

[Minnesota Libra]

2. This gets posted at DU periodically - but it's still funny. nt

[AndyA]

3. Dear Worried About My Reputation,

Your family sounds wonderful compared to The Bush Crime Family™!

Just to make sure you start off on the right foot, you probably should tell her about your cousin who voted for Bush. Even though it's a disgusting fact that your family no doubt would prefer remain a secret, you must let her know what she is in for. If she leaves, you're better off knowing now as opposed to finding out later.

You deserve a commendation for dealing so well with the stigma of having a Bush supporter in the family!

Abby