Trying to work out a anti-war song song

[KingFlorez]

I am trying to write a song about the war and I'm having problems , so I want some suggestions on how I should fix it and add things. It's suppose to be a personification of America talking to Republicans. It's not really good yet, but here's what I got:

The lie pulls me down
The lie pulls all of us down into the depths of degredation
Too many troubles caused by a liar

And then there are those who refuse to see
the lies told by the powers that be
They just sit there with there blinders on
No minds of their own, they're only a pawn
In the far places of their brain, they know what true, but they won't dare complain
And those of you who can really see, are cast as enemies and traitors to me
Even though they sent my people across the sea, to die for their lie
And who are they to judge, when they've got no integrity
When they want to drown freedom out of me
When they all the rules are just no good for them
When they want to change me for what I am
Who are the real traitors to me?
Who are the ones who walk on my virtues
Who?
Who?
I ask who?

The lies pull me into the fire
The lies pull all of us down into the depths of degredation
Too many troubles caused by a liar

To the ones who accept the lie
Look in your heart and try to remember
how many it has caused to die
I ask of you to just try, to just open
your eyes to the reality of what has happened
and how you've hurt me

[bryant69]

1. There are a lot of good lines there

I do think you need to make it more clear that you are singing as the personification of America - that last line in particular can come off as very powerful or as sort of self-pitying (particularly when contrasted with how many have died), depending on whether or not they have picked up on that idea.

Bryant
Check it out --> http://politicalcomment.blogspot.com

[JeffR]

2. Good stuff, KingFlorez

If this is draft material, I have no doubt the finished work is going to be excellent. I'm lousy at trying to critique other songwriters' work, but I'll offer up the lyrics to a song I wrote during Gulf War I; if there's anything in this of use to you, please feel free. I started with a lot of emotions and tried to work them down into specific metaphors and images. Whether I succeeded is another story, but the music was pretty good...

Chapter & Verse

There's a bite in the apple, there's a snake in the grass
We're taking communion at a critical mass
Got a New World Order, gonna kick some ass
Touring Kuwait on a three-day pass

So we render unto Caesar one hundred thousand souls
Oils spills, fires and a desert full of holes
Write off the overhead and pay off the moles
And to hell with the names on the welfare rolls

Now the body bag's ready, they've called for the hearse
And the ratings improve as the soundbites get worse
Truth takes a beating, so bring in the nurse
And file another story under chapter and verse

So it's Jesus versus Allah, and nobody wins
But the Joint Chiefs of Staff and the mandarins
And another petty tyrant can repent his sins
And decorate his palaces with skulls and empty skins

And the make-believe pundits are reading their reviews
They're down at the Hilton, they're paying their dues
And their ticket to ride is the six PM news
And a gig at the Pentagon shining shoes

It's conventional wisdom for conventional times
You can count the reparations in nickels and dimes
As the contracts are tendered for a new round of crimes
To a generation raised on nursery rhymes

Now the body bag's ready, they've called for the hearse
And the ratings improve as the soundbites get worse
Truth takes a beating, so bring in the nurse
And file another story under chapter and verse

[catnhatnh]

3. Chord run please.....N/T