I apologize

[Eloriel]

I really have nothing to say in my own defense, not even a good explanation. It seems (to me, at least) that just about every time I come to this forum, I end up going bat shit crazy in one way or another and making something of an ass of myself. Even *I* am tired of it.

I do NOT know what is going on, I only know that the level of "control" over it seems slim to none. Maybe I have (unrealistic) expectations that THIS is a place unlike every OTHER place at DU that won't torque me off to the max, where I won't be assaulted with the kinds of anti-woman language that I am forced to see elsewhere, where people see things entirely as I do, etc. Well, like I said: unrealistic. And unfair -- ultimately, even to me.

I got a very sweet PM from someone last night who said among other things: maybe you just need a vacation from DU. Maybe I do, or maybe I need to either take a vacation from this forum or abandon it all together if I can't behave myself better than I so far have.

I just want everyone to know that it has NOT been my intention to be disruptive (tho I know I have been), to offend anyone (tho I know I have), or even to sound as controlling as I surely must have.

And at the risk of this sounding like a non-apology apology (it isn't), I also feel the need to point out that for the most part I am NOT apologizing for the actual points I made or my underlying beliefs or even reactions to things, but for the way I've expressed those beliefs and attitudes and reactions. It's entirely possible to say: that pisses me off without being pissy myself. It also doesn't apply to anything I can remember saying to any of the men who've wandered in here.

Again, I apologize for how I've conducted myself. I'll be hiding this thread too (LOL -- can you hide whole forums??), so if there's anything you need to say to me, you'll have to use PM to do it.

Eloriel

[lukasahero]

1. I know you've hidden this thread but I want to say publicly

that you certainly owe me no apology. (In fact I owe you one in another thread and am trying to get over there to do it...)

This stuff is really, really complicated and I don't have all the right words. Just know that I think you have a great deal to offer this group.

As a very wise and compassionate woman once told me, take all the time you need, post how and when you are comfortable, but please, don't leave. We're just still "storming", right? :hug:

[BlueIris]

2. What lukashero posted.

And for the official record, I don't think Eloriel is/was a "disruptive" poster.

[Misunderestimator]

3. I hope you come back... I will miss your voice here.

:hug:

[MuseRider]

4. Please don't leave

unless you have to for your own sanity. I would like to second what lukasahero said. You have a valuable voice here, I learn much from you.

[Hello_Kitty]

5. I don't think you did anything wrong

Please don't think you need to apologize for feeling strongly about something and expressing that. Especially not here. Everywhere else in the world we are expected to smile and coo in the face of vile sexist bigotry. Don't make waves. Don't raise your voice. Just go along if you want to keep your job/relationship/place in the group etc..

And so what if some people disagreed with you. Maybe they are wrong. Hiding your beliefs and being inauthentic eats you up inside. Unfortunately, life requires us to do that in most situations. You don't have to do it here. :hug:

[lukasahero]

6. Wonderfully said!

We will not do that here! We will not do that here! We will not do that here!

Everybody now (I've never led a chant before) "We will not do that here!!!"

[redqueen]

7. Seconded.

I don't even know what Eloriel's talking about really... but I do know I can be abrasive and harsh a LOT of the time, especially about the subjects that I take very seriously and have a lot of passion for.

Sheesh... maybe *I* should apologize more often.

[spooky3]

10. beautiful post!

[Misunderestimator]

11. Thanks for saying that.

[Solly Mack]

8. No need. It's one of the reasons this forum was

established - to express those feelings without kicking ourselves, or being kicked by others.

[SemiCharmedQuark]

9. I have never considered Eloriel a disrupter...

Im not sure what she is referring to even? I'll have to message her that, but I would like to say publicly that I enjoy reading all the views and opinions on here. For example, I used the word "bitch" a lot, not in any context towards women but in general without even thinking about it. It was this forum that made me think more deeply and change that habit.

[cally]

12. I'm glad you are here

I know how passionate I can get on these subjects and that I have offended some here. I don't think you have anything to apologize for.

[omega minimo]

13. What

would DU be without Eloriel?



:boring:



Spice it up, E. You suffer from clarity. Give yourself a break. (I don't mean the go-away kind).

:grouphug:

[eridani]

14. Nothing wrong with being passionate

Sometimes we all need a break from being online though. Not that there isn't plenty to get mad about, both here and IRL.