Fat became the vehicle for my redemption and the finding of my life's work

[cleanheart.396]

I have been battling with my weight since I was 18, and for a long time I believed it was the fact that I had to take hydro cortisone by mouth for my eczema, that started my initial bouts with overeating. But slowly, painfully, during the 30 years that I dug beneath my fat to find the person struggling, suffocating beneath the weight of not my fat, but my delusions, I learned that the cortisone fed a need deep inside myself not to feel. Not feeling meant I didn't have to know, really know, what I was doing to myself__and others__in my relationships, my lifestyles, my life's work. But I was doing it just the same,and it took refuge in not just my weight, which fluctuated constantly, but in a host of other addictions which I traded back and forth, one replacing the other whenever one became too painful to bear.

I found that I ate to cover up. My fat was like a shield so that I couldn't fully feel the things that happened to me, so that I could commit a kind of suicide of the soul, the spirit. If you can't feel fully what you're doing to yourself and allowing others to do, you won't stop yourself or them. Oh, there are pauses in your self-destructive journey, but even then you trade one addiction for another. When I wasn't eating everything, I lost weight and took refuge in abusive relationships, especially those where I could feel superior to the needy addicts, alcoholics, and sex addicts I chose.

But there was one thing about me that was almost extraordinarily healthy: I knew something was wrong with me, and I knew I wasn't the only one. I knew that contrary to what the 12-Step groups said, that I was powerful, not powerless. Powerless over others, but infinitely powerful enough to change my conditions. I just didn't know how. And finding out became my journey, and ultimately, my salvation. I knew that life didn't have to be full of so much suffering. I began to see my suffering mirrored in others who seemed to have none of my more apparent skin and weight problems. That's when I knew that everyone suffered, but that most people pretended they didn't because they believed, as I never had, that the things people do to each other, to themselves, personally, politically, spiritually and emotionally, might be what "everyone" does, but that that didn't make it normal. I came to understand that we only think our behavior is normal because it's so common.

I started to search, and that search took me through the Civil Rights Movement, the Black Power Movement, the Socialist/Communist Movement, all the way to the Feminist, and the Self-help movements. I found that they all taught me a great deal about the world, and validated what I had originally suspected. But they also taught me a great deal about myself. I found that the things I protested against were really a mirror, that I was a tiny composite of all the things I hated, and I moved away from the vitriolic, accusing stance I had taken because I could see myself, my fine hand, if you will, stirring the pot which creates racists, imperialists, etc. Stirring the pot in the way that terrible feelings of inadequacy ultimately create the Hitlers, etc. of the world. They rise in every generation, without much protest from us because in some way, we have internalized that same pain and live vicariously through them, and wish to do what they do. How else can you explain women protesting the racist, chauvinist power that kept them down, yet they still aspired to those same power positions whose policies can be bloodthirsty to say the least?

I saw these same things in myself. How did I know they were there? Because I was still fat, and when I wasn't indulging that, I was thinner (never thin) and smoking more, and having bad relationships. Remember, I started out on a mission to answer the question: Where does this terrible pain come from, and how do you stop it? I measured it by my fat and my chronic skin eruptions. Measuring it this way had improved my life, somewhat. My relationships weren't as bad, I didn't break out as bad, but now I knew that that just meant I had learned to manipulate my surroundings a little better. But now, I had learned something valuable: Now I knew that my weight was tied up with a pain that, yes, was seriously aggravated by external conditions, attitudes, politics, etc., but was mandated by my internal self, my internal shame, for things both real, that I should feel guilty about, and imagined things that I had no control over. I took these things on because it thickened the wall between me and myself. Made it easier for me to remain oblivious to the life inside me,the life I was trying my best not to live.

But you can't ignore your life-force, and I hadn't tried to commit suicide, literally, in a while. So, I decided to stop pretending to myself that the things I did were "normal" or "Par for the Course." I stopped acting as if the games and abuses of others was normal. This is when I started to dream, and to interpret my dreams. I learned my soul's language through my dreams, and listened to the advice the dreams gave me, and acted on it. This was tremendously empowering. I knew when things were going to happen, and how and when to remove myself from bad situations. The more I listened to my soul, the stronger I became.

When people, especially the emotional drop-outs I associated with (because I was one as well)tried to convince me that I "felt" too much,that I was unrealistic, even "abnormal,"I retorted that not feeling and seeing things just as they are was unrealistic, and ultimately self destructive. I stopped smoking. Then I could really feel stuff. I gained 50 more pounds. I got out of my final bad relationship, almost committed suicide, then got a good therapist who allowed me to control my treatment. He was just someone to answer to until I was well enough, and strong enough to be my own best council. After 3 years when I saw that I was making him a crutch, I left therapy, and made it the rest of the way on my own, with good people to talk to, but no groups, or therapy.

Since that time, I've changed a lot. I began my life's work in earnest, and I actively work to develop my soul everyday of my life, and struggle not to be petty even in the smallest things. I have resolved a good deal of my "Karma," the study of which helped me understand a lot about why I was the way I was. Karma, by the way, is not written in stone. The whole point is to resolve it by changing old behavior.

I became a celibate early on, mostly because I didn't want any distractions as I tried to work myself out. My journey validated me in such a way that I decided to not have sex until I was whole, and until I loved and was loved. To date, that has not happened yet, but I have become so completely who I really am that there is always something more to know, to explore, and I am never bored. I am also newly fascinated each day with the powerful, loving person I am becoming, and I learned that love is the true power. In learning to love myself, I found that just loving others, not necessarily a mate, was so enriching that you can almost forget that you are alone. So, I pour my love into my relationships with others, my sons, my young and old friends.

And guess what? Finally I took on my weight. Over the last 4 years I have lost, and kept off 60 pounds. I gained 15 pounds back because I had to learn that my pain inside also caused my medical problems. I started fasting regularly, and eating healing foods, and continued to work on my soul, by working on my behavior and strengthening my character, so that my ego, replaced gradually with character, began to wane even more. I lost the 15 pounds. Also, I haven't had a major attack of my eczema since 1996. I don't catch serious colds any more, and I never catch the flu.

Today, I maintain my correct weight. My fat became my redemption, my salvation. I no longer hate my fat, my skin, nor, my promiscuity (also one of my addictions). I nurtured my fat by not condemning it. I treated my fat like a troubled person whom I really loved, and the body beneath the fat flourished. I treated my skin, my sexuality, the same way.

I could never have done this just through a therapist, a self-help program, politics, or spiritual exploration, a weight-loss or exercise plan. I had to combine everything I came upon, everything I ever learned into what I call a Treatment Plan for My Soul. I had to learn to heal myself, my own way.

Thank you for allowing me to do this.

[lavenderdiva]

1. Wow. Thank you for sharing and welcome to our forum!

Your story is familiar to many of us, I'm sure. You are remarkably honest and courageous in sharing. Thank you.

Congratulations on finding the inner strength and determination to conquer your demons, as it were, and on finding a lasting solution. Your success is encouraging to me, as I am still struggling to come to terms and deal with my own eating problems. How did you learn to 'heal yourself'? I'd be interested in knowing more.

Again, thanks for posting, and welcome to our group!! :hi:

[cleanheart.396]

2. Healing Myself

To heal myself I had to recognize myself as the primary precipitate of my pain. To be sure, conditions, attitudes___oppression___while seriously aggravating my own sickness, but they were secondary to the real problem. Me. I had to accept that I attracted negative people, situations and conditions to myself. From a karmic perspective, this means that I am on this earth, in this country, this city, this race, this skin, this body because they all reflect both wonderful and terrible things about me. The terrible things I have endured, the racism, chauvinism, capitalist exploitation, etc., reflected (though I hated to admit it, but had to once I took an honest inventory) a code of behavior and belief that I shared. In my secret heart I was glad I wasn't as "dark-skinned" as some of the blackest Africans. I found that I only lamented about the code against "fat" people, when I myself was in the process of losing weight. I also had to face that even though I know capitalism, for the most part, is an obsolete, exploitive system of production/distribution, I had to admit that I felt that way partly because I was mad that I wasn't one of the ones who wielded that kind of power. Once I discovered this I had to face the reality that I, too, believed that some were more worthy than others.

The value in inventorying oneself politically, socially, etc., is that once you see yourself clearly, you find you are not so different from those you dislike. Once you understand that you are not so critical of them anymore. But now is not the time to jump on the band wagon. Just because you've found out that you're not as liberal as you thought, etc. doesn't mean you switch sides. Just because you don't know what to do doesn't mean that you do the wrong thing. After all, your political assessments may be correct. It's just that you forgot to assess yourself.

What does all this do? It brings you closer to your true self. Now ask the question: Why am I like this? Why do I "need" to be a closet bigot, capitalist, etc.? Now, look around at all the people who you share your life with. Even those you just can't stand. Why are they there? How are you and they alike, especially the ones you think you just can't stand? Now, you'll be getting away from the politics, the philosophy, because, you see, politics, philosophies, etc. are just buffers which separate us (we think) from what we really feel. Have you ever noticed how political activists have a really difficult time talking about feelings, and love? We take refuge in activism, partly because it's how we "blame" others for our pain. That doesn't mean that those people are not partially responsible, or that you should stop being active. It does mean, however, that you are responsible as well, in a much more fundamental way than politically, and you need to step back and take a look. Once you do, your activism will become transformed.

During this time of inventory, decide to pick one thing, one easy thing,that you can do to begin stabilizing your relationship with food. For example, try not eating one of your daily, weekly, or even monthly snacks. Pay attention to everything you think, feel, do, and say. Write it down. Reference it by asking yourself: When was the first time I felt that way. If you subscribe to the Karmic Process, then you might want to just assume that you have been in this situation before, and based on the kinds of old things you like you can reference the historic period, and then study it so you can get a sense of your true history. You don't need to subscribe to the Karmic process, however, to begin healing yourself. The experience is just a lot richer, and you can sustain those things you heal in yourself much more easily, however, when you accept that your history, like your future is infinite.

Pay attention to the rhythms of your pain. When you're not snacking and referencing the compulsion to eat and connecting it with what you are feeling and thinking, there are perceptible shifts in your spiritual rhythms according to the amount of confusion and pain you feel. At first, don't try to analyze it. Just feel it as long as you can. As time goes on, label the pain, then gradually give each pain type a reference point. All the people who hurt you must become mere reference points, and again if you're inclined to deal with the karma, they are people from your past who have turned the tables on you this time around. You must not enable them by continuing (or starting) your "acceptance" of their abuse; but you also must not return the abuse. But you must do this a little at a time.

During this time, don't be afraid to call a spade a spade. If your insecurity makes you selfish, greedy, cold, a snob, etc., OWN IT! Then explore why you need to protect yourself with these character defects. Then decide what you want to transform each of your defects into. Pick a character trait you'd like to develop from each of your defects.

Now you're ready to inventory the "addictive/compulsive" behavior which accompanies your character defect. Don't leave anything out: You could be a caffeine addict, sex addict, etc. But you can also be addicted to winning, to losing, to pain, to self-mutilation, to war, control, rote intellectualism, killing, masochism, sadism, right-wing/left-wing politics, religion, whoring, pimping (either actually or psychologically, mental illness (yes, this too, is an addiction; I know, because I've stepped over the line from sanity to almost-insanity too many times because it was just convenient). Believe me, the list is endless. Most "crimes" are addictions and are connected to the same insecurity which creates character defects. Subdue your shame, and own your own addiction. Most of us are multi-addicted, and at least one of those addictions is to something we are really ashamed of, something we have either never told anyone, or never even admitted to ourselves. Make sure you connect the addiction to a specific character defect.

If you have medical problems, or mental problems, these too, are connected to a specific character defect. Make the connection for yourself.

If you have medical problems, you want to get a good book on herbs, and good carbohydrates (whole grains, vegetables, etc.) and find out what vegetables, herbs, plants, etc. are good for the medical/mental/social problem you want to tackle first. One good book is "Back to Eden." The guy's last name is Kloss. But there are many others. Create an eating chart for the purpose of healing you physically and spiritually. This also balances your healing with your weight loss. Now, you're dealing with your food issues for all the right reasons. You're deflating the egotistical aspects, and seeing your fat as a physical, political, emotional, mental, and spiritual problem. Now you will begin to lose weight, and also begin to decrease your dependence on all the compulsions you have.

This journey, for me, started more than 30 years ago, but what I have written to you in this post began about 15 years ago, after I had tried everything else. I can only tell you that its a glorious journey, even though its often terrifying and not at all what you'll be expecting. None of us are who we think we are, and all of us are much better and much worse than we have ever believed ourselves to be.

Take this, and develop your own healing program, because you can heal yourself. Doctors, etc., can be consultants but you are the primary healer of your soul, your body. I sincerely hope this helps. Please share with me anything you can. You can never know enough. Just when you think you might, you find out you're beginning all over again. It can be wonderful NOT to know.

Thank you, everyone, for being here.

[MissMillie]

3. I used my weight as a wall

I had so tired of being used and manipulated and left by men that I started eating to be sure that no man would ever find me attractive again. I wasn't conscious of it at the time, but at the height of my weight issues, a therapist helped me see what I was doing.

Man, when I think of what I did to myself. It's amazing how you more readily see the damage when it's alcohol or other drugs.... but when it's food, somehow it's less obvious what it is you're doing.

Thank goodness I'm working my way out from that place. (I still don't trust men, but now I take it out on the men, not on myself. :silly:)