changing seasons . . .

[DollyM]

I don't think it is specific dates that bring on fresh waves of grief for me but rather the changing of the seasons. Fall is especially hard because I see kids everywhere, walking to school, hanging out in the park, getting another year to grow and experience life. I feel so cheated that I don't get to have this season and watch my son grow and learn and go on with life. I know he is with me in spirit but I miss his physical presence and think of him so much. I literally cannot pick up a catalog or walk through a store without thinking about how much he would like something I see. It is like part of my life died with him.

[livetohike]

1. Big hug for you DollyM

:hug: I think it is those things that remind us of our loved ones, that helps keep them alive in our memory. The good memories help us all....

[Paper Roses]

2. Hi DollyM, I can associate with your waves of grief.

Mine come at the strangest times. I will start some project here at home and mess it up. This brings me to the point of tears. My late husband was a jack of all trades and anything that needed to be done here at home, he would tackle with gusto. Even the simple task of moving his bed pillow every night causes me great sadness.

I have faced many projects since his death. This old house is in constant need of attention. Some things I can do but many that I try, I mess up. This brings on a wave of tears and depression. I cannot afford a professional to assist me in some of these repairs.

Last week I bought a present for my daughter at a second hand store. It needed repair on the wood part. My husband could have done it in 20 minutes. I tried but made it worse and do not know how to correct my attempt. I was devastated. Things that I thought would bring me a good feeling somehow, frequently, bring me despair.

I doubt there is a cure for this awful loss. I just go on and suffer through the bad days.

My thoughts are with you.
PR

[DollyM]

4. I hear you there . . .

there were so many things that I counted on our son for, I never really realized that until he was gone. My mom is going through chemotherapy right now and my husband is in a nursing home due to the effects of diabetes so I feel very much alone. I have often thought of how much of a help it would be right now to have our son here to shoulder some of the burdens of our family right now.
I remember two years ago, I was working at a nursing home and we had all these pumpkins to sit outsie and light. He came and put out like 25 pumpkins and lit them all, grinned at me and told me he was going to McDonalds and off he went. I remember then thinking of how great a kid he was.

[ceveritt]

3. to DollyM

I desperately wish I could offer some sort of comfort. I will not insult you by saying I understand. I cannot. I lost my wife, not my son. The degree of grief, I believe, differs little, but it is different.

Indications of my wife are all around me daily: the switch plates she replaced, the photos she hung, the ones she took, cookware, some of my clothes, the list is endless. The reminders are constant and daily.

For me, today is the worst. It is the night of the Harvest Moon. Seventeen years ago, we dressed up for the occasion. I wore a suit. Really. We danced. And I fell in love with her. Today is worse than our anniversary, her birthday or the date of her death. The moon is about to rise, and it will be huge and orange shortly after it clears the horizon—well, really after it clears the big school to the east.

Mind, I'm not trying to compete with you. You have your changing of the seasons. I have my date, tonight.

I am so very sorry. If there was a way, I would take your grief away from you. That might sound kindly to some, but only you and I—and some others here—know how absurd and hollow it is, because it is impossible. Nonetheless, for what it is worth, I wish it.

I hesitate to continue, as I do not want to add to your pain. But when my wife died, part of me did indeed die with her.

I've had heart problems, and at one point Kathryn semi-angrily told me, "If you die, I'm going to kill myself and come after you." Sadly, I lacked the courage to do likewise.

DollyM, I wish you only the best. I apologize if I have said too much. I'm just not doing well this evening. I mean well, but I have long paved the road to hell with good intentions. With any luck, perhaps this will not be yet another brick.

Best,
CE

[DollyM]

5. no bricks . . .

oh ceveritt, it is just nice to come here and know that someone understands. I have to be strong for so many other people in the other areas of my life, it is nice to just be able to come here and be myself, tears and all!