So SICK of jumping through hoops for health care.

[Ladyhawk]

So, I probably have Seasonal Affective Disorder in addition to diabetes, fibromyalgia, sleep apnea, degenerative disc disease, treatment-resistant depression, OCD and PTSD. The light boxes to treat sad are, at least, $200. I am living on $836 a month. After bills I'm lucky to have $300 left for necessities.

I was told that Medi-Cal might cover the light box, so I've spent the last couple of months trying to figure out HOW to get them to cover it. My doctor wouldn't help me figure it out. The light box company wouldn't help me figure it out. Medi-Cal balks on everything. It took them a year to approve an MRI even though a previous MRI showed I had problems. I needed another MRI before I could have surgery. This is just the fucking tip of the iceberg.

Dammit, I'm just TOO TIRED to figure this out myself.

Last year when I started getting sicker, I found out 1) my scholarship wouldn't cover all of my private voice lessons, 2) my car needs $1500 worth of repairs and 3) I probably need some kind of light box to help me combat the sleepiness and fatigue. I contacted everyone I could think of. The college auto department dragged me along for months before they told me they couldn't help. The college financial aid department did likewise. My doctor is worse than useless when it comes to things he doesn't know about. I asked a counselor for help...getting strung along more.

I've been asleep more than awake for the past three days. I CANNOT go on like this. I'm so fucking SICK of going on like this. I have to watch every fucking penny. I can't function. I don't have the energy to get out.

So my mother tells me to just order the goddamn light. Every time I spend family money--money that isn't mine--there are more and more strings attached. It's intolerable. My family seems alien to me...full of fundies and bushbots. I don't want to owe them anything, but there you are. I guess I will order the fucking light. But what happens with my car? My voice lessons? My life? I'm 40 and not getting any better. I hate living like this, dependent on my family, doctors ignoring me, fighting for every little tiny scrap of health care when I barely have enough energy to get out of bed.

When was the last time I bought an article of clothing? I don't know. When was the last time I went to a movie? Was it that museum movie? I think so. Before that, I don't recall.

Every time I get up and try again, something knocks me down. It makes me want to stay down. I keep trying. I keep dusting myself off. I get up. I stay on my meds. I try to exercise. I try to "get a life." Then WHAP! A cold comes along.

Do you know what a cold can do to someone who is already ill? I almost didn't make it last time. Then a sinus infection...still on antibiotics for that. I got angioedemic hives after Augmentin didn't work and I was put on Levaquin. During the process, I tried a different health-care professional. I kept calling, worried that the huge, huge swelling on the back of my neck would move to the front and suffocate me. Anaphylaxis can come at any time. I asked them to at least call back and get me another antibiotic for the sinusitis. No one called. It's always up to me to ride everyone to make sure I get necessary medications.

Looking into trying to find out what can help me get well? Forget it! Doctors hate chronic patients. HATE them. My doctor doesn't want anything to do with something he can't prescribe a pill for. I've been through doctors galore and none of them will fucking HELP me.

I've spent the last three days asleep more than awake. I can't wake up.

I can't DO this by myself. I just don't have the energy. I've tried to do it by myself, but I CAN'T. Christ.

[midnight]

1. I was coming here because I have tried for almost a year

to get an apnea machine for my husband. I found out instead of the doctor focusing on the medicaid standard score of 10 to get the machine, my husbands score is 9.5, plus family heart issues, doctor was focusing on insomnia. I just don't understand what on earth these doctors think. Why would we want an apnea machine for insomnia. Apnea machines are for people who stop breathing. Well I read your post and good god but if things just are'nt as horrible for you. So sorry to hear. What do we have such taxes for if people in this country can't count on a helping hand.

[Ladyhawk]

2. It's insane.

I don't know how much more I can take.