The following is a story of my family's short time with Rummie in Maryland. Yes, in case you were wondering, it is true. He has fangs and it may be possible that he perhaps is made of candle wax. Someone has molded his face in a manner that looks amphibian. However, he was even more decrepit then anyone could imagine. And I mean anyone.
Anyway:
<Paraphrasing and embellishing to the best of my memory>
We were waiting in line at this little crab place on a marina. Bored, I went to get some drinks for my mother, wife, and myself. When I came back I found this lizard of a man yucking it up not 1/2 foot behind my mother. I immediately said to myself "no, it couldn't be, Is it?"
Turning to my mother, whispering..."mom don't turn around." "Damn it I said don't turn around."
"Why, I've got to now? uhhhmmmm...I think we better leave. I'm going to vomit." says she in a clearly audible tone.
"Here drink this it will calm your nerves." She did. I did. My wife did. Then, after some uncomfortable gross out moments, mostly spent over hearing republican political intercourse, which sounds like the scene in Jacob's Ladder where Tim Robbins sees his date getting screwed by a devil, we finally sat down. About 90 percent of the restaurant is buzzing with republicans going coo-coo for his lizardy coco puffs (audibly fucked by the devil). During this time Mrs. Izzybeans comments on the impossibility of this man spawning such an attractive daughter. I can not disagree and I'm in total shock, but I am also a little bit grossed out by my secret thoughts. During the time it takes me to realize I've just given a second glance to what we think is his daughter, the amphibian devil begins electioneering his way around the dockside bar (this is the summer before the 2004 election). Moving from table to table, he greats everyone with an alternating sneer and grin, sneer and grin <couple that with fake laughter for everyone, Yeah!>. This is one of those moments where you are frozen. Your first impulse is likely the equivalent of jail time and an embarrassing moment on CNN. Your second impulse is conscious coma. My father, the go getter, a diabetic who shouldn't be drinking, grabbed my mother's beer, downed it and said "that murderer will not be touching my grandson." He had that low growling voice I used to fear as a teenager when I was caught doing the things teenagers do. Grabbing my son, he walked away muttering incoherently about war criminals and about how no veteran such as himself should ever have to be made to kiss the bloody feet of an evil plastic lizard...he nor my son came back to our table (about 3/4 finished with dinner).
After about 15 minutes, a time that felt like all the heat of the sun was bearing down on me, I started to worry about my father and son...so I went to look. We had noticed odd things about waiters in the crab shack. Many of them never really moved. And a few of them were walking around the vicinity I knew my father would be. My mother contemplated confronting the lizard man, but balked...something about honor and dignity, plus the fact that there were too many izod golf shirts, khaki pants, and deck shoes for lessons in honor. All of the sudden my wife, mother and I felt a simultaneous jolt of fear; afraid we might be boiled alive and thrown down on the table like the rest of the crabs, devoured... our blood dripping from his lizard like crawl. He was right behind us. Moving in...coming ever closer. Standing next to me. Do not look. Don't you look.
"Well, let's go on over here. Shall we? Hello! Ha ha ha!".
Phew...potential jail time thwarted. In the mean time, the serpent himself had already finished tearing the heart out of another small child when he turned, like a dark fate, and walked toward my father who was coming back with my 1 year old son. My father, still muttering incoherently, turned beet red, locked eyes with the serpent, and said something... immediately storming off in the other direction. I only wish I knew what he and Rummie said. They did say something...and my father is too proud to tell.
It's funny to me because its true. And damn if those weren't some good crabs.
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