i'm finally having to acknowledge how bad my depression has been lately

[fizzgig]

i've been stuck in this horrible, seemingly unbeatable depressive episode lately. i know that a lot of it is 'environmental', like my lack of a job, money issues and the fact that my bed has become so uncomfortable that i've had only one pain-free night of sleep in months. the only way i can get to sleep most nights is to stay up watching tv until i just about pass out from exhaustion because i can't get my brain to shut off long enough to get to sleep.

but i've just been telling myself that it'll turn around, that things will get better, and that i'll wake up the next morning feeling good about myself and i'll be able to do things. but i'm so paralyzed by fear, self-loathing and inertia that i can't help myself lately, so i've not been talking about it. as far as i'm concerned right now, there's nothing to really talk about and what there is to talk about, i don't want to talk about. i've allowed myself become ashamed of who i am and i don't want to tell people that as it only adds to that sense of shame.

my dad and sister last night told me that i've completely withdrawn and their feelings were hurt by that. they want me to talk to them and fill them in on what's going on. i think they try to understand to the best of their abilities what's going on with me, but they really don't understand what it's like to be so trapped in your own head that you start to lose the ability to function in the day-to-day world. my dad told me he was upset that i will talk to my two best friends about it and not him, but i told him that i do because they are, or have been, in very much the same place i have. i made sure to tell him that it has nothing to do with him or my sister that i'm not talking, but i am also very good at taking things personally and i'm trying to see it from their side of things.

i've always been close with my dad and my sister and i are much closer than we were 10 years ago, but i'm just at a point to where i don't want to be around people and i don't really want to talk to anyone. i have been isolating myself, but i feel that's been for the better lately. i'm not good company and i don't want to drag anyone down.

i'm leaving a message for my doc today about tinkering with my meds. i know i will feel better someday, but it's to the point where i'm going to have to force myself to do what i can to speed up that process.

[Odin2005]

1. Hnag in there!

:hug:

[fizzgig]

3. thanks

:hug:

[mdmc]

2. sounds like depression to me..

Feel better my friend...

[fizzgig]

4. thank you

i can't remember the last time it was so bad, i'd honestly forgotten what it was like.

[mdmc]

5. Well, that in itself is success

I must admit that I too have forgotten what true paralyzing depression feels like. I remember the time frame, but not the awful feelings. Actually, I remember them, but cannot feel them.

It is too bad that you are remembering, but at least you had some time to forget. Remember, this too shall pass.

Peace and God Bless..

[Forkboy]

6. You've proven yourself wrong in one way, a good way.

there's nothing to really talk about and what there is to talk about, i don't want to talk about.

Yet here you are, talking about it, so you haven't given up on yourself. The fact that you even recognize the situation is good. I was lost for a long time without even really knowing it, or wanting to admit it was a mental illness and not just me being lazy and asocial (though I really am asocial anyways lol). You see a light at the end of the tunnel, and that's a positive.

Best wishes, and hope you feel better soon.

[fizzgig]

8. this is probably the place i feel most comfortable talking

but i'm feeling better for it now. it's like i just had to purge the poison, so to speak.

[no name no slogan]

7. Stick with it, and avoid the TV watching late at night

I have bad insomnia and sleep apnea, and one of the worst things you can do for yourself if you can't sleep is to watch TV. It stimulates your brain and actually helps keep you awake. So instead of your brain shutting down like it wants to, it stays awake instead.

If you can't get to sleep, dim the lights and just lay down and close your eyes. If you can, put on some white noise of some sort to cover up any background noise in the room.

Good luck :hug:

[fizzgig]

9. it's the laying down and closing my eyes that's been getting to me

i usually give up after 20-30 minutes of laying there and beating myself up. but i know i can't keep doing what i'm doing. i will try the white noise, though.

[no name no slogan]

11. If that doesn't work, you need to see a doctor

Sleep is extremely important in maintaining good mental health. And if you don't get enough good sleep, your condition won't improve. It's a vicious circle-- one I've gone round on more often then I care to remember.

If you can't get good sleep, definitely see a doctor. You may be able to get by with an OTC like benadryl or s/he may prescribe a sleep aid. Either way, it's very hard to get better if you're not sleeping properly. :hug:

[fizzgig]

12. i will talk to her about that too

but i was actually able to go to sleep on my own last night, a first in a long time and i feel very encouraged by it.

[hedgehog]

10. From time to time I look at my tray of medicines and supplements

and I wonder why I am taking all these pills if I'm not sick. Then I have a bad spell and remember why! You deserve congratulations for realizing that something is wrong and contacting your doctor. For some of us (all of us?) depression is really a chronic disease that we always have to guard against.


I wish I could help you to sleep better. Before treatment, I felt like the white noise was in my head, like part of my brain was running full speed in the background all night long. The first SSRI I was on didn't offer complete relief, but boy, it was wonderful the first time I took it and the white noise machine shut down!

[fizzgig]

13. white noise is a very apt descriptor

it still kicks in at times, but it's such relief when it shuts off.