My heart died when I was a teenager. It's just taking my body awhile to catch up.

[Ladyhawk]

The other day it occurred to me that I never got over a series of events that broke my heart during my freshman and sophomore years in college. Since then, my body has been breaking apart bit by bit: chronic fatigue syndrome, diabetes, degenerative disc disease, fibromyalgia, sleep apnea.

I'm dying by degrees and have been since I was 18.

[whathehell]

1. Please tell me about it.....I also went through a lot of psychological

and emotional pain in my twenties and early thirties..and many years later, I've come down with at least three of the disorders you mention.

What happened?...I'm listening and I care.:hug:

[mopinko]

2. not much people can say to this

i have most of those conditions also, and it can make it pretty hard to keep on keepin' on. it seems to me sometimes like the force of gravity is stronger when i am not feeling my best. other days, when i am feeling better, i wonder why i was so upset about things.
i wish there was a camp fibro, so i could go and spend a couple of weeks worrying about nothing but myself, how i feel, and finding tolerable ways to strengthen my body. i can do some of the things that i know i ought to do, like get more exercise. i just can't do anything else that day. like think straight.

you have a lot stacked against you my friend. i hope there are some answers out there for you.

[Droopy]

3. What happened? I guess it's probably hard to talk about

But maybe someone here can relate and empathize if you are willing to tell your story. I know for sure how the brain can break the rest of the body. It almost sent me to an early grave. But I believe it is possible to get your brain back on your side again. It has happened to me. I've gone from being a disease magnet to being the picture of health. The only meds I take now are my head meds and I'm going to see about cutting those down some. I think I will always have to take them, just not at the current dosages.

My latest development: I've gone from having high cholesterol and triglycerides to (to quote my counselor), "Having the blood work of a very healthy 12 year old." I know a woman who is on the same program I'm on who used to be an insulin dependent diabetic. She still has to watch her blood sugar, but she no longer has to take insulin. She proudly likes to say, "I've beat diabetes!" Let me know if you are interested.

[no name no slogan]

4. Droopy, you are an inspiration to many of us here

We've watched you over the years go from being in such terrible shape to being "normal" (whatever that really means). It has been truly miraculous. If you can do it, any of us can at least work toward it.

We all have bad things that happened in our past, and somehow, we have to figure out how to live through them. I've had a bunch of emotional and physical issues that kept my first 35 years of life pretty miserable (which I won't go into here-- those of you who know me know what they are, and I don't need a pity party from those who don't).

Unfortunately, we cannot change the past. We can only move forward with what we have, and we can only use what we've learned to have a better rest of our lives. Dwelling on what was only keeps us there-- living in a not very happy past. Living in the here and now and looking toward the future is all we have.

I just want to finish by saying CONGRATULATIONS DROOPY! You really are an inspiration to us! :toast:

[mdmc]

5. I'll second that

:toast:

"Be the change that you want to see in this world." I'm on a big Obama kick recently.

[Droopy]

7. Thank you for the very kind words nnns and mdmc

I was doing pretty good in my recovery that started 6 years ago on a hospital psychiatric ward. Things started to get better every day there in the beginning, then I kind of hit a plateau. My life was still good, but I wasn't really making any improvements, and I still felt pretty bad about myself sometimes. That was until I met the best psychologist I think anyone could hope to have. I only saw her once a week for 3 months, but she changed everything. And it was all really simple, but for some reason I needed help seeing it for myself. I needed to admit it to myself.

Even after the dramatic improvement during the hospital stay, getting my dosages right, and finding a good doctor, I was still punishing myself. I have punished myself since I was a little kid. It's a learned behavior that is every bit as much a part of me as the nose on my face. I've written here about trying to find someone to blame for that, but that doesn't solve anything. Like you said, nnns, we have to be here now and look toward the future instead of dwelling on the past.

My psychologist showed me how Droopy the Punisher was controlling my life. I didn't want to admit it to myself, but she was right. The full realization and the importance of my time with her is just now sinking in. I used to smoke and drink. Almost everything I ate was bad for me. At 290 pounds I was horribly out of shape and over 100 pounds overweight, and it wasn't the medication doing it to me. I didn't have any friends or a lover. I didn't really like myself all that much.

My psychologist told me that all of that stuff in the previous paragraph was a part of me punishing myself. A part of me hated the rest of me so much that it was trying to put me in the ground. How do you fix that? You start being good to yourself. Being good to yourself means being a non-smoker and not drinking too much. It means putting nutritious food in your body and avoiding junk food. It means getting back into shape if you can. It means having a social life and being a person that other people like being around. It means looking for someone to share your life with. It means embracing yourself instead of punishing yourself.

That's what it has meant to me, anyway. It's a pretty personal kind of thing. Your method of fixing yourself may be different. The biggest thing that has helped me in all of this is dropping a bunch of weight and eating right. I've been heavy my whole life and it makes me feel so good now to look in the mirror and like what I see. I have a tremendous amount of energy now and a lot more self confidence. The punisher is still there, but he is much weaker than he used to be and he is fading every day.

I scheduled an appointment with that psychologist for tomorrow. I wanted to follow up with her and show her her handiwork. On the phone I did not tell her that I had dropped 70 pounds, just that I was doing much better. I can't wait to see the look on her face when she sees me tomorrow. The guy that called himself Droopy when he signed up at this place has changed radically since then. I guess I should create a new user name next time we have name change amnesty.

[mdmc]

6. We need to work on a way to bring that heart back to life

There is still some life in that heart. I know it.

[Ladyhawk]

8. I'm running out of options.

I've tried so many things.

[Droopy]

9. It would be helpful if you gave us some details

Maybe you should see a counselor and tell her what's on your mind. That's probably the best thing I can say to you because right now you sound desperate.

[Ladyhawk]

11. I've seen counselors, doctors, psychiatrists, been on nearly every med.

I've had so many tests run on me lately that I have an appt. of some kind every day. Nothing helps.

25 years of nothing helping. Psychiatrists, psychologists, drugs, vitamins, electronic stim devices, talking about "issues"...I've done it for 25 years. Now the county is cutting back services...dunno if I'll be affected or not. Dunno if I even care.

And I don't want to go into "why" and other specifics.

[mdmc]

10. There really is only one option my friend

keep tryin.
keep posting here..
peace and low stress..