To anyone else who was sexually abused...

[redqueen]

I would like to know if this also resonates with you.

I'm reading a parenting book and in it there are many examples of parenting issues that others have faced. One part of the book talks about a father who finds out after his daughter is a teen that she had been sexually abused by a close family friend for two or three years when she was a young child. He says that after she told her mother, and it was out in the open, that he was then able to understand a lot about her behavior.

He says a lot of things about her that I identify with, but the part that stays with me is this:

"She has no idea who she is. She slices off parts of herself and shows different parts to different people. It hurts me to say this, but I don't think she really has a self."

That is exactly how I feel and it hurts so much. And I don't know what to do about it really besides what I am doing, which is talk therapy. Which is helping but it is not easy (putting it very, very mildly).



I'm so glad that girl had a nice family and got help early. I hope she's happier now.

[elleng]

1. I'm SOOO sorry to hear this, redQ.

:hug:

[Forkboy]

2. I wasn't sexually abused, but I think that quote would resonate with a lot of us down here.

I think to some extent that's what everyone does, but people who have gone through traumatic events, especially ones that go on over time, become experts at it. Even the parts you do show to people aren't really you. After awhile you run the risk of becoming like an onion...a bunch of layers surrounding nothing.

For me it's been easier than I'm sure it is for victims of sexual abuse, but I just found one or two constants about myself, things that were true to me no matter what, and not just a small, probably distorted part that I wanted people to see. For me they were politics and music. These are the two most basic and honest things about me (which is why I talk about both so much). There's nothing phony in either one, and that keeps me grounded to myself, if that makes any sense. In other words, these aren't just layers, they're the core. And I think we all need to find that in ourselves before we can really accept who were are move on.

I don't mean this in a "write down all the good things about yourself" kind of way that a therapist might talk about. It's not a matter of finding what's good or bad in you, it's about finding what's constant, and then accepting it either way. If it's a good thing all the better. If it's bad then we can work on it.

I can't imagine how hard this is for you to talk about. I never spoke about anything until a few years back, and I never dealt with any physical abuse of any kind. Talking does help, but I had to hit rock bottom before thinking to look upwards. So, hard or not, I'm glad you're trying. :hug:

And I think this post perfectly illustrates the dangers of posting high. It probably makes less sense than the reasoning behind filming Jaws 4.

[redqueen]

3. It's not hard to talk about if I treat it

like I'm talking about things that happened to somebody else. Otherwise it's very, very hard. I still pretty much refuse to acknowledge any of it. I still want to believe it's not true.

And yeah, I had to hit rock bottom too, before a friend was able to convince me that I needed to get some help to deal with it. I really don't want to... I'd much rather go on living in denial.

[knowbody0]

4. what finally worked for me

(not that you EVER get over "it") was referred to me by my therapist in a book called "Radical Forgiveness". It is difficult for me to articulate, but forgiving the offender releases you from them. I recommend you check it out. Good luck on you journey.

[no name no slogan]

5. That "lack of self" is very common among survivors of trauma like sexual abuse

In order to survive, we subconsciously divide our minds up, so that we can separate the bad experiences from the rest of our brains. It's a survival mechanism. Many trauma survivors do not have "integrated" personalities, and often exhibit what seems like completely different personae to different people, depending on the situation.

Granted, we all have different faces to some extent, but the separated personalities can be a real problem for many people in later life. And thankfully counseling can be effective in helping to integrate those personalities.