ever have someone else's insecurities

[undergroundpanther]

devour your small joys.

My roommate is that kind of person I think.I find myself hoping she moves out sooner rather than later..She has has a one up man-ship issue and I know damn well she can stop it, I have told her to stop it.she did for awhile. Guess I got to prompt her again.It's getting old this prompting shit..She has to one up any accomplishment I do,that I feel means something to me. Also she just HAS to one up any pain I feel. If my back is hurting me so bad I am going to my room to avoid getting others worried or because it makes me want to scream, she says she has not only 'been there' but had it so much worse too.She says this when I express pain or feel like I am doing something meaningful to me.So I say nothing .The pain I go to my room and cry to myself.My accomplishments or whatever I say nothing.

Something about her is so toxic it makes me feel sick inside,I am at home alone like I am more times than not.She is out with my friends.I haven't heard boo from them,for a week .Today they came over I was cooking my food,So I shared my dinner,they hung around mostly with my roommate. I felt like chopped liver,then they and my roommate left. I had a load of dishes to do.That was really thoughtful wasn't it? I don't need this shit.I have had enough.
I'm not sharing anymore with anyone until they share with me.

I had just begun to rekindle the friendships,with these friends and I find my roommate is a friend stealer like the other one was.I am so angry,depressed, hurting inside and in my back(from washing dishes) and I feel like every time I try to reach out to rekindle friendships,or I find something meaningful to do, I get everything taken away from me by some manipulating asshole somewhere.

I had an MRI today. I had to lay flat on my back,the pain was so bad I was trying not to twitch, gasp or cry so they could get the thing done.It took 40 minutes.It was awful, because it just really pissed off the neuropathology I have.I am forced to sleep only on my left side.Any other way the pain is so severe and I am so tired of hurting.I don't say much about it because who wants to hear about my back pain.So I talk on other topics most of the time.But I let people know it is hurting.

My biggest fear right now is that as I get older my body will become fucked up worse and worse and I will have my relationships stolen, until I get too disheartened to try and lose again. I will be alone,hurting alone,die alone,and through it all I will still have to maintain this fucking house, and the yard and shit,I never wanted to be stuck with all this load of responsibility alone, and to be trapped in a town I hate,living beyond my means in a culture I can't stand..
Mom won't ever come home here,she is in virginia hoping her arm loan doesn't fuck her over..I am in limbo.

I hate my life it hurts too much to live sometimes.
There is no one I can call because its the FUCKING holidaze,I hate holidays, I hate weekends there's nowhere to turn, no one out there..I am so weary.

I just wish I was good enough to be worth something to someone who wasn't an asshole or manipulator or user that was deeper than superficialness.I wish I could be wanted or loved too,cherished like I was not an means to an end. But I'm not apparently good enough to be loved or attractive enough,or skinny enough or a specific ez gender,to people I would want to be around too.I feel so alone and fucked up and I can't do shit about it. I try I reach out,I swallow my depression and dread and try to let it all fade and I do,but eventually some asshole out of nowhere ruins it all.I guess I am missing that stuff almost everyone else seems to have that makes them appear to be worth investing time into and being around.

I would be overjoyed if someone I knew were to call me up one day to say ,hey,panther lets go on an adventure, go somewhere, do something fun..try something,new, see what happens,and create a good memories..

All my life I have been misunderstood scapegoated hurt,always an outsider,too threatening, an alien ,a novelty to be tossed aside later when a new different person charms them,I must be the least charming person in the world,so often I am left out,abandoned ,always something gets in the way.

Online friends are not like friends that you hook up with in person,people on DU are scattered across the world.I will never see or meet most of you who read my posts.I hate that .I hate the web sometimes because when I meet someone online they seem so near but in reality they are on the opposite coast of this country or something...It kinda hurts. The unrequited friendships the net fosters ,hurts me sometimes because after I turn off the computer I am still here,alone in this house.


Here,I am constantly cleaning up,the roommates know the rules about this,I remind them. Yet by their ACTIONS they still don't care,they let it pile up they are so busy,they claim,and I know damn well they aren't that busy.They talk blah blah I'll do it later.Later never comes..Standing and washing dishes hurts so I put my elbows on the sink to lessen the pressure on my back, sweeping and mopping up with a swiffer mop, I will spend the night whimpering.

I as of now wish I could get a bucket ,water and cleanser and really clean the fucking nearly white kitchen floor(who in the FUCK puts a WHITE FLOOR in a KITCHEN!!!!if you give it a dirty look it's dirty!!) I am physically fucked up. I can't maintain this fucking house much longer by myself and no one..Not my roommates, my mom,my counselor,my shrink or therapist HEARS ME on this issue.It is A LOT of work maintaining a house.Keeping it clean & functioning.It all goes in one ear out the other, or I'll get told to drink warm milk or something stupid like that..I know my sisters don't hear or care about me really,yet it still hurts, it's only when mom gets on their ass they bother to see me at all.When mom dies I will probably never see them again.

I know when mom goes I will have no one that cares about me.And I am terrified.Terrified because my body is torturing me.I wish I could get a new body a good body,one that was strong,healthy,that was not hurting,fat,broken,injured,One that could run ,see,one that was not ugly and fat, not female not ugly.

My roommates..they don't seem to have real empathy beyond a superficial,magical thinking kind of ego trip they are on,it's weird but it seems all the rage these days out here it seems to say you are an empath,and not demonstrate you are because the narcissism gets in the way.. but they talk all day about how fucking empathic they are,but they are not empathic . It's annoying to me.Yet for all that bragging they do not bother to notice I am in pain doing THEIR dishes,cleaning their old crap out of the fridge etc.And it is wearing me down, pissing me off and making me hate.When they help me it is rare, but I am thankful and tell them so.But the problem is it is so rare.

One has lived here around 4 years and still the gutters are growing small trees out of them,like the first day I asked him to clean them,but now they are saplings.How in the hell am I gonna get the bulky heavy ladder out of the shed,carry it to the house, hope the wood isn't rotted or something,climb up and clean the gutters out while in this kind of pain? I can't. I have to mow the lawn with a wet bandanna on my face and take three benadryl before I get started,the grass pollen closes up my lungs with mucus to the point I am gasping.I can't do it. and I can't afford to pay someone to do it.So I made it part of the "rent dues"is to help out with maintaining the house.Both agreed they would help me. But they help very little.

My mom reminds me about the house she tells me the furnace filters need changing,that the gutters got to be taken care of,on and on the chore list never ends,the money vanishes ..So when I tell the able bodied construction worker roommate I have here that the gutters got to get done,he never has the time.But he does have time.He just doesn't care..
I remind him but he never follows through.Neither does she.she makes a mess of the toilet,fails to clean it.It is truly revolting.She washes dishes and they are greasy with food on them when she is done.She is lazy..

I never wanted to be their goddamn mommy.WTF??!!They are both ADULTS.They are not in pain like this.I know they could care less how much of a pain in my ass they make themselves be.I am beginning to think it's not worth staying here anymore.I feel sometimes like getting some of my shit together and moving out onto the street.And trying to get section 8 again outside this fucking nowhere county so I can live within my means,and get away from the toxic people.

I can't take this bullshit over and over anymore. WTF is wrong with me? WTF is wrong with these people?
I want out of this situation, but there is nowhere and no one to run to.Besides I can't run anymore.Too fat ,too much pain.

[Droopy]

1. If it helps any, this line from your post struck a chord with me

"I guess I am missing that stuff almost everyone else seems to have that makes them appear to be worth investing time into and being around."

I have felt that way for a long time about myself. I've never felt good enough or worthy of other people, but that is not your main, or should I say, immediate problem here. You need your home taken care of. Those gutters have got to be cleaned. If they are not, you will start to get insects in your house, and, eventually, water damage, mold, and mildew on your ceilings and walls. The place will become uninhabitable, and you will not be able to sell it for more than a few thousand dollars.

I think I remember you saying that you are on disability and other public assistance. It sounds to me like you should sell the place and get a nice, little apartment. Do you own the home? I am an able-bodied person, but I live in a little, one-bedroom condo by myself, and it's the best thing I could have done as far as living arrangements go. I don't have to worry about exterior maintenance, and keeping the interior clean probably takes about an hour a week.

But back to the problem of your roommates and your feelings of low self worth. It sounds to me as if your roomies are taking advantage of you. They don't do their part because they figure you will get tired of it and take care of it yourself at some point, and that's what happens. But what else are you supposed to do? I say, get different roommates. Preferably, people who are older and more mature. I'm guessing that your current roommates are pretty young.

"I guess I am missing that stuff almost everyone else seems to have that makes them appear to be worth investing time into and being around."

Yeah, back to that. A part of the problem (and I'm going only by how you express yourself here) is that you have a terrible case of low self-esteem; to the point that you can't even stand being in your own skin. I don't let something like that get in the way of making a new friend, but a lot of people can't see past it. I've had the same problem all of my life and I only have one close friend outside of my family. Things are changing, though. I'm changing.

So:

1. Yes, you are being taken advantage of- time to remedy that.
2. Stay in therapy.
3. You are worthy of friendship, and I'd stop by and say hi if I lived nearby.

[D-Lee]

2. Please take a look at these resources

These approaches, as set out in websites and books, really do have the possibility of being helpful.

www.Diabetes-Book.com -- your mention of weight and allergies/sensitivities makes me wonder if you have a blood glucose/diabetes problem. The linked website has free on-line portions of the book entitled Dr. Bernstein's Diabetes Solution (if you run the book down on Amazon, you will see the rave reviews). If you have such a problem, this approach is incredibly effective and will help reduce many of your health problems, as well as reduce depression. For general background, take a look at http://www.phlaunt.com/diabetes/ and http://www.phlaunt.com/lowcarb/

www.EmoFree.com -- don't hold the name against this site. The Emotional Freedom Technique ("EFT") is a system of tapping on acupressure points. Poke around and you will see lots of articles on using it to address pain and back issues. It really does work. It is not a substitute for medical treatment, but a sort of real life supplementary aid.

www.InnerBonding.com -- Margaret Paul has developed a structured self-examination technique which is outlined on her website. Her books are terrific and you can check out their reviews.

Each of these could help you get out of the emotional spot in which you find yourself.

Best wishes for more happiness in the coming year!

[LiberalEsto]

3. Here is one thing that helped me a lot

Most of my life I felt worthless, unloved, unwanted, etc.
Several years ago I decided to start making a list of my good qualities.

At first it was extremely hard. I couldn't think of a single thing, but I kept pushing myself. Then it was little things like "I keep good to-do lists" or "I'm diligent about recycling". I did not allow a single negative thing to go into this list.

The list kept getting longer as I gave more thought to it over a number of weeks. But when I looked at the list, somehow I did not believe in it.I kept working on the list, adding to it whenever I could.

After some months I realized that I was focusing on my good qualities instead of bad ones.
This started changing my entire outlook. I started accepting the notion that I had good qualities. I stopped worrying so much about what others thought of me. I gradually started feeling more confident. Within a couple of years my lifelong extreme shyness started going away. People now tell me they admire my confidence.

I have bad moments now and then. I still get very depressed. But overall I feel much, much better about myself, and making the list is what changed me.

If you ever decide to try the list thing, you can start by writing down that LiberalEsto thinks you are a good writer.

[undergroundpanther]

4. Thank you.

Ya know, I do write pretty good, it must be true.. I can't deny it, because I was once approached by a publisher,for real. Yeah people every time upon hearing that they doubt me and call me bullshit but it is true.
I met Derrick Jensen online through the publisher(it was Context books at that time,now it's called Chelsea Green publishing) and Derrick is a writer and I was kinda cautious in my replies to Derrick and doubted he was really an author.So he told me about his newest book A Language Older Than Words and to go look for it at Barnes and Noble. I thought, yeah ok,sure(the net is full of grandiose crackpots). I went there and his book was there, and my jaw made love to the carpet.So I bought it read it and gave him a review.It was a kick ass book too.We emailed back and forth for a few months.We talked about the world and many other things. Sometimes in his books I see some of the things we talked about but through his eyes and mind and it is fascinating to read his stuff anyway. Here's his webpage.
http://www.derrickjensen.org/


But every time I sit down to do a book,I balk. One reason,I think is because it requires me to put order to the things in my mind,to put my concepts into EZ digestible forms.And the stuff in my head moves fast,I can get almost baroque in my detailed descriptions,really dry and technical,than go mystical and very literal and precise and than get fuzzy in the span of a few paragraphs.Because that is how I am.

Maybe it is because I have dissociative issues. I dunno.

When I express some of the ideas I would put in that book, face to face,I found people listening just are fascinated with it all,they tell me it's like tripping without drugs and seeing things in a way that is almost dizzying to them but also beautiful and terrible at the same time.They tell me how I can I tie how the galaxy behaves, to the process of recovery and the way civilizations change together in a coherent process.I can connect things that seem to most people not related.I see patterns, the ebb and flow, the changes, the process and the "flavors of it and all the points moving in a multi-layered way some readers can't get their minds around and so they go and act like a jerk about it.I get so tired of that crap....and sometimes my thinking shows in my writing. I am a one finger typist here. So my mind sees things moving must faster than my finger can go.Ideas come in like a flash bulb image it is clear as day,for a short time, but soon it fades away,than it's like tuning a radio dial,listening in on the whispers of the soul of the world trying to find that concept I was trying to express before as my mind moves it's own way to follow it's many links and trails to other aspects.

I look at words and involuntarily see words in the words , many meanings,like nesting Russian dolls it is very hard for me to take vast huge ideas and small simple things and keep it in line,condense it, and still twine them together into a coherent message to kinda translate my mind for other people to understand it.

Antonin Artaud himself wrote about how he felt he had been invaded by Doubles. These Doubles often dictated letters in his head, and attempted to steal his thoughts before he could make them conscious.

When I read that poem of his I realized I also felt his raw angst deep inside me over this thought stealing thing,and I put the book down and I cried my eyes out,and screamed YES That is IT! That is why I can't cage it all in a book or art. I was so sad..If only I could share my mind with the world,let them step inside me.(philosopher Wittgenstein talks about this too).So instead of a bunch of dead words or fake images, half creations, imitations of the worlds within me, they'd live it too and we'd experience it together like a journey into each other's soul. But to communicate these kinds of things they become dead as soon as the letters form to trap it into "format", like a flock of multicolored birds being caged by letters turning them to cold stone. It actually hurts me.That is what it feels like to write.But I have to write or create because I dunno,I'd explode,from the pressures inside it's something I just gotta do like breathe. I can't explain it.

So the book remains unwritten.I can do posts and stuff,but ask me to try to contain this in a book, in chapters,A beginning,middle and end,and all of a sudden I feel this panic it feels like I am being trapped,my mind has to be chained to one idea, like a big workhorse,reins jerking it away from the succulent fruits of art and plants of thoughts tempting it from the edges of the path it is being driven to pursue, as I look at the blank screen, word perfect waiting,cursor blinking obediently and sure enough I freeze up, or I write and re write the chapter headers or I just end up writing brain on paper,I can't do it.Feels as if my mind is made of something akin to chaorder. Chaos and order working in a tension and dynamic synergy where both have to be free. I just haven't figured out a way to put it all in a book and have it seem alive and whole yet.It is damn frustrating..

Being smart sucks sometimes.

Being traumatized sucks too.

If you are curious here's stuff about who Artaud was.
http://findarticles.com/p/articles/mi_qa3692/is_200501/ai_n9467510/pg_1?tag=artBody;col1


And,Thank you for saying what you said LiberalEsto. Every time someone says they liked my writing or that it meant something to them I save it and put it in a folder on my desktop called inspiration.
When I feel like shit, I will open it read the stuff other people said about my thoughts and I find I can go on.

I know somehow I am supposed to find that confidence inside, but it's so hard to find it sometimes.I dunno why.

[LiberalEsto]

5. I'm trying to sell a book, but no luck

Maybe my experiences can help you.

A couple of years ago I finally pulled my unfocused thoughts together and wrote a book for kids 8-12. It's a modern fairytale. I had started lots of book efforts before, always by starting with the first page and going on from there. They always fizzled out before I finished a single chapter. I've been a professional writer for many years -- initially as a newspaper reporter and more recently as a marketing writer. But everything I'd written was fairly short, except for a few investigative series.

Then I tried a brainstorming technique I'd picked up somewhere. You write down your main thought in one or two words and circle it. Then draw lines out from this circle to other thoughts, ideas, characters, and circle each one. Eventually it develops into a web-like structure on the page, filled with ideas. From this I worked on developing a formal outline, with numbers and letters like we learned in school. Once I got this done, I was able to start filling in areas as ideas developed, and then start writing it chapter by chapter. Just finishing it was a huge step for me.

Alas, I'm not good at marketing myself or my work. I dithered around for a couple of years trying to work up the nerve to send it to an agent. As a journalist, I was accustomed to having my work accepted and used every day, with minimal editing and with my byline on it. So I was not used to having my writing rejected. When I finally sent it out to an agent, it was rejected. I waited another half year before sending it out again, and then got three rejections and a no response this past year. Intellectually I know that many published writers have to send their manuscripts out dozens of times before getting a bite. But the fact is that I'm hypersensitive to rejection. At the moment I'm trying to work up the nerve to start sending it out again.

This all might be a bit boring, but I'm hoping you can find some ideas in it for making your own writing efforts work. The brainstorming technique is extremely helpful. So is composing the list of good qualities that I described in my earlier post. Try the list.

I vaguely remember studying Artaud in a theater arts class in college in the early 1970s. At the time I was volunteering at a small, very hip local theater that often hosted off-off-off-off Broadway productions from NYC. If my memory serves right, I believe some small acting company may have brought an Artaud play there for a couple of weekends.

[undergroundpanther]

6. Theatre of cruelty

Here I think is his best quote..

"No one has ever written, painted, sculpted, modeled, built, or invented except literally to get out of hell.
Antonin Artaud