The flames are long gone but the pain lingers on...

[otherlander]

Sorry I couldn't think of a title that wasn't a Pink Floyd quote. Basically I used to self mutilate. Haven't in a while, don't think I will again. But I can't stop obsessing over how my parents used to treat me when I did. Maybe now that I'm not living with them anymore I can be more honest about them to myself. Pretty much every time I did they would get angry and yell at me. This seems to be a recurring theme in my life, that the more pain i'm in the less compassion I recieve. Now I feel myself becoming really depressed, and there's no one to talk to. Fuck it, my therapist is on vacation. :banghead:

[otherlander]

1. Also...

I feel betrayed that they involuntarily committed me to the hospital where I saw the guy smash the kid's head against the wall. I was just on the phone with my mother and I told her that and she just got pissed at me for saying so.

[mopinko]

2. if i may

my daughter did this, too. she did spend some time in the hospital, but she was mostly willing to go.
i don't wish to defend your folks, i don't know them. but i will tell you what it was like for me.
i probably yelled at my daughter plenty of times when she wanted compassion. for me, all this was so incredibly terrifying. i lived in fear for several years as she went from one self destructive behavior to the next. at 15, sometimes staying out all night. flunking out of 5 schools in 4 years. hanging around with "strange" people. tats and piercings, mohawks and gauges, spiked collars and trench coats. obsession with kurt cobain, and other "dark" music. not things that i would assume were anything but self expression, but in the context of it all, hard to remain calm about.
but the first time i saw the cuts, i started to really fear that she would kill herself. they were horrible. they covered her arms and legs. they were already scarred. i have never been so afraid.
at the time, she was convinced that i hated her. nothing that i said or did, especially anything that i tried to do to get a grip on her before i lost her, was seen as anything but just being mean.
several years later, now, she understands much better. not so much realized i was right, but got a lot of support and got mostly straightened out, and sees the difference.
she is still a kind of a weirdo. i don't mean that in a mean way. she just still is collecting tattoos, and going to the gathering of the jugaloes every year. but she also goes to college, and has a job. we get along ok, because i am not terrified, and i guess neither is she. fear makes people do strange things.
it is hard to be a mom of an unhappy kid.

peace to you. :hug:

[otherlander]

3. I hang out with those types of people too.

They give me emotional support. They validate my anger over how this society functions. They help me get involved with political activism. And they're a lot less shallow and judgemental than your "normal" preppie types. Also, please try to remember that there is a difference between self mutilating and being suicidal.

[mopinko]

4. yes, i know, i was just

trying to tell you how it felt to me. i was terrified. for the both of us. i never stopped loving her, even when she hated me. my only judgement was that she was not happy.

[otherlander]

5. I understand that.

And I know my parents tried their best, and I know you probably did too. Sometimes, though- at least for me- my experience with depression has been that people didn't just want me to feel better, they demanded that I feel better, and if I couldn't make myself feel okay, then by God, I was going to have hell to pay for it. Which then becomes a sort of trap which a lot of people who wanted to be helpful accidently wound up setting. I'm not trying to attack you, that's just been my experience. And I think that it's important for people not just to be stable, but to feel that it is safe to break down if they have to.

[undergroundpanther]

7. me too

I am at home with the dark.

[undergroundpanther]

6. Don't beat yourself up over cutting

I do it rarely and I don't condemn myself over it.
the pain inside sometimes can be controlled by physical pain,seems if I didn't cut,I'd be dead by now. Cutting is caused by alot of things mainly trauma. Wish I could help.