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i feel like i'm trying to take on too much emotionally right now. my boyfriend's baffled anger at why his boss doesn't respect him the way he should. why they don't give him the position he feels he deserves (and i feel he deserves, but i'm biased here). the fact that my roommate might get fired tomorrow.
i'm trying. i'm trying so hard right now to understand how they're feeling, but i'm battling my own shit right now. i'm trying to ensure that i will get my meds (i have no insurance and that's a goddamn frightening thing), that i can maintain the life i have, that i can get up in the morning and go through another day. i'm so discouraged right now because i can't find a job and i don't want to run out my unemployment, which is just about the only safety net i have right now. who on earth is going to hire me for a front desk position with my education and experience?
right now, aside from finding a job, my biggest challenge is getting through the pile of laundry, both left over from the move and what we've accumulated over the past two weeks. i had enough in me to get it started, but not to hang up the load of delicates or put the other load in the dryer.
i am having a hard time of letting go, of letting it roll off me. i want the core of my life to be okay. i don't want to worry about whether the whole of the rent will be covered in two weeks. i don't want to stress over whether i will find a job before my unemployment runs out. i want my boyfriend to be happy. i want both he and my roommate to feel secure. if they both had those, i would feel better
the weather is not helping. i like the fact that it's been raining and that it's cooler than it should be this time of year, but it's also making me lonely. it's making me sad, to be honest. i sit home, restless, trying to fill the time before my boyfriend comes home. i've been reading a lot, but it's not been enough to fill the time.
i am okay, i really am. at the core of things, i am happy. i am happier than i have been in a very long time, but i just want tomorrow to be easier.
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