looking for a little advice

[blueraven95]

I've talked in other forums here on DU about my sister and her struggle with depression. To make a long story short, over the past 2 years she has attempted suicide several times, the last and most scary time was in January, when she was finally properly diagnosed and really great treatment has been found. For the last few months she's been doing (mostly) really, really well, and we are all crossing our fingers that the worst is behind us. There is a 10 year age difference between us, she's 16.

Okay, to the present. We were both at a party this past weekend and someone asked me a question, and without thinking, as part of the answer, I mentioned that she had been sick. I really didn't mean to, it was a total accident, and I immediately changed the subject, so she wouldn't explain how she was sick or have to talk about it at all. She left the room immediately afterwards. As soon as I could gracefully get out of the conversation I apologized to her, and she made it clear that she didn't want to talk about it.

The past few days, however, have been hell. She's been giving me the cold shoulder, refusing to talk to me, leaving the room quickly as soon as I enter it, generally giving off a nasty mood whenever I'm near, but not actually telling me she's upset, or making any effort to discuss the issue.

I understand where (I think) she's coming from - I assume that she doesn't want to be judged by people, and people do judge when they hear "sick", and I also assume that she doesn't want to be constantly reminded about the last 2 years. I think that these are really reasonable wants, and I have tried really hard to not bring it up unless she's brought it up first. However, I don't think she understands how much her problems have effected the rest of the family. The past couple of years have been consumed with keeping her alive. Now, when the danger is apparently over, we are all feeling emotionally battered and we are also having to deal with the financial burden it has left - what I am trying to say is that her battles have become a large part of each of our lives, and have informed decisions that I, at least, have made. My answer to the question was an honest one, that I had made a particular decision because she had been sick at the time.

I know the adult thing for me to do right now would be to apologize again and really talk to her, but at the moment I'm feeling so sick of the passive aggressive nonsense, where she won't even talk to me about how she's upset, that I don't even know how to approach it. I've kind of hit the point that I don't want to say anything, because I've already apologized once and I feel like I didn't really do anything that wrong, although I am sorry I hurt her.

Sorry this has taken so long. :rant:

What I'm looking for is advice about the most effective way to approach her and talk to her without upsetting her more, while also not feeling like I'm a terrible person, I guess.

Thanks for any ideas.

[DemExpat]

1. Hi, blueraven,

One idea: Perhaps explain to her - with your love - that you are sorry for blurting out that she has been sick at a party, that you understand why she is upset with that, but that you also need her to understand that you also have been intimately involved in her health issues, and affected by it. It is a big part of your life experience of the past 2 years too, so its uppermost on your mind still a lot of the time. But that you will do your best in future to not say things about her experience without careful thinking. That you understand her need to feel trusting of you about this.

And I do understand your unwillingness to be held hostage by her anger.

:hug:

This is just my reaction to this situation from my experiences and feelings.

DemEx

[blueraven95]

2. thanks

I know you are right - we need to have the talk.

It's getting her to even listen that is hard right now.

In general, I guess I'm wondering how other people, if they were in the same situation as my sister, would prefer to be approached? And what, in the moment at the party, should I have done differently (assuming I had already brought up she was sick)?

[Tab]

3. As a parent

(although I don't have a depressive 16-y/o daughter, but my advice wouldn't change anyway).

Knock on her door, sit down, say what you want to or think you need to say.

Don't expect a response. Don't expect her to throw her arms around you and say "Oh, blueraven, you understand!". Don't expect any response.

Say it, and go.

But you will be heard, and it will sink in, and she will respond when she's ready.

She may not be ready for a day, or a week, or years, BUT you will have done what is needed, and she will be able to take it and do with it what she wants.

Go.

[qb]

4. I used to be stuck in that passive-aggressive hell your sister is in.

I was easily offended, and wanted nothing to do with people who offended me. My suggestion is to write her a brief letter gently saying what you want to tell her. She may have guilt or shame over what she put your family through, so I would focus on how you want your relationship to go forward. I hope she can find some effective therapy to help her deal with the feelings she has bottled up.
:hug:

[blueraven95]

5. that's a really good idea, thanks

I'm good at letter-writing, actually, and it might be a good way to deal with things.

[elleng]

6. DON"t say anything now;

wait for her to calm down/adjust. 'Ignore' the cold shoulder for the time being.

Her understanding, or lack, of effect on the family will come at another time; don't bring it up now. This is a time when the less said, the better.

SHE'S ONLY 16!!!!!!

[mdmc]

7. Agreed. Give her space. Take ownership when she is approachable

I would say something like this (when you perceive that she is willing to listen), "I really feel like shit for blowing your scene the other night (or last week, last month, however long it has been since the party). I'm sorry for what I said and will try to be more cautious in the future. I love you and want you to know that I understand that I shouldn't have said that. My bad."