This could be it

[undergroundpanther]

Tomorrow mom and I are going to get funds for my male chest reconstruction and send it to the doctor.. I am so blown away.. possibly this april the breasts that have tormented me since I was 10-11 will be gone FOREVER!!!. :nuke: :nuke:

I will pass as a guy because I already do pass pretty often if my coat disguises my chest well enough. I have an army jacket that I covered with a tigers face with stripes blending into tribals,and it hides my chest pretty well because it's over-sized. But in the summer I am shit outta luck and I was dreading summer really bad this year..Because of my spine problems I cannot bind anymore , like I got by with last summer, wearing a leather biker vest over my big teeshirts covered it most of the time. It's good my back doc said I need to get these boobs reduced,my therapist agrees I need this operation, so it's gonna happen and I couldn't be more psyched .

Mom and I have talked about my gender issues for my whole life.
My roommate mike remembered me telling him I wasn't a girl in middle school. He said he knew I wasn't a girl when he met me in second grade..Mom knows how I feel she has seen my frustration and despair,ever since I developed. She still has her fears about the physical risk that goes with every operation, and all.. but she has decided to help me.

I am so excited about this whole process I can't friggin sleep. I am so glad, I am looking forward to after the scars heal up and the way it will be, as it should have been. I won't ever have to bind again, I won't feel awkward and uncomfortable all the time.I won't be pounding my boobs out of frustration because of the conflict over my gender. I can be more at peace inside with my outside matching up better.. Getting a hysterectomy several years ago profoundly effected my sanity in a good way.I felt a calmness after that operation, that has not left me, even on bad days the intensity of my anger and frustration with being in this body has not gotten as bad as when I had a uterus.I have no regrets.. the male chest reconstruction will help alot, I think it will help me feel even more at peace with my outside inside.

All I can say it RrrrAwwwRRRArr!! Yessssss!!!!
:woohoo:
Here to Stay


when innocent and just a small child
without question you knew who you were
by intolerance you were not yet defiled
and proclaimed to be son, or a daughter

then after you passed the "cute" stage
did you learn of the rules and your role
that's when they told you, "at your age
you know not what's real in your soul"

through the years they continued to rail
"wear that!" and "you can't play with this"
and of your real self you could not avail
you were admonished if ever remiss

their teachings made you question yourself
you began to believe this would end
your feelings you put on some dark shelf
to the role of your birth sex you'd tend

but the person that lived in your body
and directed your heart, soul and mind
would never really relent and agree
and was determined to not be maligned

whether you hide or fight or deny
and despite your best efforts to obey
no matter how many tears you may cry
only the real you is here to stay


Michael Uno 2

http://www.lauras-playground.com/tgpoetry_mu2

[DemExpat]

1. All the best, UGP!

I hope it all goes smoothly and with the wonderful results you so desire!

:bounce: :hug:

DemEx

[mopinko]

2. best of luck panther

hope everything goes smoothly, hope they give you good meds for pain, hope the hospital food does not suck too much, hope everyone treats you well. most of all, i hope this brings you some inner peace.

[mopinko]

3. everything go okay?

you okay? mom didn't f-up at the last minute, did she?

[undergroundpanther]

4. Nope

The first payment has been sent and my surgery is sceduled for for april 2nd.
I won't be doing it impatient so I don't have to worry about sucky food.

[EFerrari]

5. That's so awesome.

:toast: to your wonderful mom and to you.

:hug:

[undergroundpanther]

6. Heh

I couldn't stop hugging her,I was so grateful after the check was sent.. I was in the stratosphere. When she agreed to help earlier I got her a thank you note and all pronto.I am very grateful to her for this. Words are inadequate. Yeah my mom IS awesome.

[EFerrari]

8. . . .

:woohoo:

:hug:

[mopinko]

7. woohoo

that is so great. i so hope you find your peace. :toast: to you and your mom.

[undergroundpanther]

13. If ya want I'll PM you pics

I won't be showing the operation cuts, because it might look rather painful, I dunno.. but I can send pics of me with my shirt on before operation and after operation if ya want.

Mo PinKO you RAWK!

[Droopy]

9. Forgive me if this sounds a bit intrusive,

but I am intrigued by the whole sex change process. It has been enlightening to see what goes through the mind of a transgendered person through your posts here. Now I am wondering about the physical side of the issue. How do the docs turn you into a "complete" man, if you know what I mean. I hope the mods will permit this post and a response if you are willing.

[undergroundpanther]

11. Answers..

For me I do not take Testosterone. Don't want to.Besides I have some hemotomas in my thigh from where a car going 45 mph hit me as I walked across the road(had his headlights off) and sent me sailing in the air. So the vessels in my leg are constricted.Taking Testosterone raises the risk of blood clots. With the medicine I take for my back it slightly thickens blood and raises blood pressure,and those hemotomas in my leg a clot would be nasty situation indeed.

I don't wanna go there.Some risk is ok other risk is well too risky. Besides Even if I take T I'll never grow a decent beard. I got too much Native American in my family. My fathers beard looked like crap when he tried to grow one.

There is a side of transgender the TV shows don't cover called "gender-queer".TV when covering issues go for the most clear cut simple things. Gender-queer people often are a blend of male and female. I prefer to appear as NO gender or a sorta flexible ambiguous gender depending on my mood that day. In fact I HATE the boxes that having a gender put you in..Read about Gender-queer here:
Definition
http://www.google.com/search?hl=en&lr=&defl=en&q=define:genderqueer&sa=X&oi=glossary_definition&ct=title
http://www.lisa-raymond.com/ASTR/jessicaokeefe2005.htm
My thoughts about what IS an identity..
http://www.unknownnews.net/040227a-panther.html



Phalloplasty is a very risky operation and the penis does not function like a regular one does. If I could get a penis that worked and the operation was not that risky and I could afford it,sure I'd get one.I am fine with a fake one. I do not need to be 100% male all the time. But to get what I need done .. I have to present myself as wanting to be 100% male to get the people who could help but who only can see things as only male or female to understand me, than I will say what they want to hear to get what I need done. Sad but that's how it is in a society where binary gender constructs dominates a persons identity so much.. But in the trans community when it comes to asking for help fixing the body to match the person inside it you have to be willing to risk and fight to be who you know you are, because some people still insist on changing your mind for you,and refuse to even consider changing the body would help. Bending and transitioning through Gender is all about finding ways of making your self feel comfortable in your own body.And if the brain is wired different than the body is ,we got a conflict.And changing the mind is impossible because the mind is in the body, So changing the body will stop the conflict in the mind and vice versa. Trans people often repress the hell out of themselves trying to be a gender they are not, eventually they find they have to admit it,fix it, and change it.The oppressive conflict and social ramifications of being someone you are not can drive a person to suicide.Literally .If the body is out of sync with the brain it is torment and the whole person is under stress.Besides all that, I really feel these breasts are not me, besides the discomfort factor they are awkward out of place they do not fit with my internal understanding of who I am. It is very uncomfortable.I am an androgyny genderless and feline that appears male like a King/queen sorta.. Instead of silly pronouns he or she call me panther that's who I am.A gender-queer cat.
Here the medical aspects of transitioning are discussed.
http://www.ftmguide.org/grs.html
Here is a site that has pictures of lots of peoples transitions in various stages it is not for the faint hearted.
http://www.transster.com/
You have to jion the site to get axcess to the pics.
Hope this helps.

[shrike]

10. Forgive me if I sound patronizing or insensitive

But f2m transsexuals I've seen in various TV docs are masculine in appearance, mannerisms, in every way. It was astonishing to me -- I could never have "picked them out." Most also looked quite attractive (I'm female, btw.)

[undergroundpanther]

12. I get assumed

To be male quite often, and once in a while people will think I am female and most often they just avoid the pronouns all together they say something like hey, you with the mowhawk... When a person stumbles over he she stuff I just say to them don't worry about it just call me Panther because that is what I am,and the person is relieved of the burden of having to figure out my gender pronoun and fascinated by the idea that gender really can be made a moot issue in a social interaction.

[shrike]

15. You've got a lot of guts. Seriously.

A lot of very conventional people will never have the courage to be themselves.

[hedgehog]

14. Best wishes that everything turns out well for you.

Don't forget that every surgery takes some recovery time, even good surgery.

[Cobalt Violet]

16. That's great.

I hope all goes well. :woohoo: :bounce: