A cross post from the lounge: Getting things sorted out.

[Tobin S.]

Most of you here probably know that I have a mental illness that I've battled for the last 17 years. The good news is that I've got a handle on things most of the time now days. I still have a little trouble sometimes, usually for a couple of weeks to a month in the winter, but it's not the disabling dementia that I used to experience. Just a little rough patch here and there when I have to be extra sure to take care of myself.

I used to write about mental health issues frequently here in the lounge. I usually confine that stuff to the mental health support group now days, but I wanted a wider audience this time, so here I am.

I won't go into details, but I'll tell you enough to give you a good idea. Many psychiatrists and psychologists think that mental illnesses are caused by a combination of genetic problems and social and/or family problems growing up. That would seem to be the case with me. There is a history of mental illnesses on my dad's side of the family and I also have a history of...well, we'll say family problems, starting at a very young age.

My family is quite dysfunctional, but we smooth it all over with sweet stuff now days and pretend all the bad shit never happened. I think they do it for their own sanity. It's easier for me to keep my distance now and I've come to the conclusion that it's better for me not to disturb the demons as far as my family is concerned. I'm not interested in making them better. They buy into their own bullshit and don't think anything is wrong. It's better to let them be.

I'm 37. I've been hospitalized three times for psychiatric problems, the last time being 7 years ago. I had a miserable life up until that point and I'm still trying to get everything sorted out. But I'm okay now, even happy. I never thought that would happen to me. I feel like I'm really coming into my own. I feel like I own myself now and I'm not somebody's puppet or property. I'm no longer a slave to someone else's emotions. And just as importantly, I'm realizing why I am the way I am and how I can make things better.

Buying this truck and putting some distance between me and "home" has helped me a great deal. I had to move out of the home in my head, too. This trucking journey is just as much a metaphorical journey for my own mind as it is trucking it up and down the highways. There are two different journeys going on here and they work with each other.

I have come a long way. I've been a member of DU since 2003, most of it under a different user name. I used to be known as Droopy. I'm happy to report a great deal of progress since then, in more ways than one. I hope you guys can see it. :)

[mopinko]

1. i have always found driving to be very therapeutic.

when i have gone through some tough times a long drive, especially when it included some time sitting by lake michigan, has been my 'drug' of choice. you walk out of the house, get in the car (in my case, also a truck, small compared to yours, but) and you know that you could go anywhere. driving until the distance feels right. sometimes i would make a phone call when i was far enough away, sometimes i would just turn around and come back home. and i always did come back home, but it was a new choice every time.
sometimes it isn't so much escape that you need so much as knowing that escape is possible.

you are on your way, tobin. and you get to decide on your way to where. and who comes along.
best of luck. hope you find a good dog, too.

[Tobin S.]

2. Thanks, mopinko

I think you have hit the nail on the head. The world is a lot bigger than our little staked out plot of land in our hometowns. For those who find peace there, it may be all they ever need. Unfortunately, I need to move away from there, at least for 26 days a month. I've been running out to Seattle the last couple of trips and I really like this area of the country. We have a terminal located here. Might be a little too pricey for a single trucker to make it on his own, though.

It's really nobody's fault that things turned out this way, and I know I'm hurting at least one person by choosing this path. But I won't be held responsible for that person's feelings when I'm just trying to be me. That's how this whole mess got started. I'm not a cruel person and I don't go around hurting people. This person just latches onto me and drives me like I'm a gaddamn mule. It's a very inappropriate relationship and it's toxic to me. I was raised to be a part of someone and not an autonomous person, and everyone around me seems to think that's ok.

So, yeah, I've cut the damn cord. And now she sounds like a 15 year old desperately missing her boyfriend every time I talk to her on the phone. :puke:

As you can see, this is an incredibly fucked up situation worthy of Pink Floyd concept album. But it's my reality. You're right, I'm on my way. Mysteries and adventures abound and there's no going back now.

On the lighter side (hee hee) I think I found a little mutt dog on Petfinder I'd like to meet. I can't remember what his mix is, but he looks like a small chocolate lab with brown eyes. He's still a youngster and has yet to be neutered, so I'd have to pay for that, but he's had his shots. The adoption fee is $250 and includes the surgery. Maybe I'll get to meet him the next time I'm near the house.

[elleng]

3. WOW, Tobin, you've already found a pup!

(Keep in mind, so you're not too disappointed, a 'real' pup, under a year old, maybe even up to 2 years, may be too 'frisky' and demanding for the time and direct attention you're able to provide.)

:hug:

[Tobin S.]

4. You crack me up sometimes, ellen :)

I'll visit him and then think about it for a little while afterward. I'll be able to tell if he's too frisky. It might be something that's controllable just by getting out of the truck a couple of times a day and doing some walking or maybe even a little jogging. Good for both of us.

:hug: backatcha

[mopinko]

5. the nice thing about retrievers is you can exercise them

standing still. throw something, they run and get it, then run to bring it back. i have a couple little terriers that need way more exercise than i can give them. they love the chase part, but when they get there, they look at it, figure it is already dead, and lose interest.

still think you would be an excellent pit bull rescuer. a bully would love to just ride in the truck with you. if you ever ran into trouble, he would bite the bad guy's face right off. you should ask flvegan to hook you up.

[mopinko]

6. on a more serious note, tho. self as individual and self as

member of some group or another, even a group of 2. one of the most interesting books i have read about the human condition is-love's executioner. it is one of those case study type things, and the title refers to the trouble with love obsession. the author talks about hating to deal with this particular problem because of the paradox that it presents- the role of the therapist is to make the person whole within themselves, and yet, we are a social animal. are we really whole without connection to others? it is an interesting conundrum. i think that you should not kick yourself for your past need to be a part of this relationship, or for the struggle that you have been through to get past it. it is really a central struggle that we all go through. i think that you have found a great way to work it out.
peace

[elleng]

7. Dear mop, please visit 'Divorce and Separation' group.

Thanks.

E