Is this codependency?

[Why Syzygy]

My days have been getting better and better. I'm taking my new vitamin regime and working on psycho cybernetics to think pleasant thoughts. My house host has been out of town for almost two weeks, and I've accomplished a lot around here and felt good.

But. One of my best friends returned (to Austin) from being in Denver for a few weeks. We talked this morning, and ever since I've been feeling upset. While they were away, they left a close contractor friend in charge of repairing their house from flood damage. They returned to a nightmare. The work is terribly shoddy. The bathroom mirror was PIECED together; and he installed a block of wood over part of it to reinstall the light switches! He said it had been cut the wrong size :eyes: The staining of the cabinets in there have brush strokes in all different directions, some up, others sideways. Against her protests, he insisted on installing a certain type of tub. They paid $600 for a 'cleaning crew' who did no such thing.

Her decorator quit because she refuses to work with this man, the contractor. The decorator told my friend that the guy was ripping them off and she just could not stand to be a part of it. He pulled the decorator aside and later she told 'S' that she was frightened my him! As 'S' explained, an image of this guy formed. I have known men like that. He's not terribly bright as evidenced by the fact that he thinks he is smarter than everyone else. Truly intelligent people know for fact they don't know everything.

He and his wife are part of my friend's couples social network. He is very important to 'S''s husband. When they came by to look at the house together, he brought his wife along to sing his praises! He is very unprofessional to say the least.

My friend's husband went ahead and PAID the guy in FULL! ARghh.. He has blown smoke up their behind that he will take care of everything. He constantly changes his story, first trying to sell them on the job, then assuring them the repairs will be covered by him. He got a check for $8000! That was just the balance. All along they have been having to front him money for supplies. A downpayment for supplies is reasonable, but he has abused the priviledge. This, too, while telling them all along the way how much money he saved them! They never had a single thing in writing.

I've always liked 'S''s husband in spite of his very low self esteem. I've always known he is super passive, but will fly into fits at other inappropriate times. But I am seriously mad at him about this and how he is caving in so not to lose this "friend". Some friend. This is the contractor that told them before the job that at least one of his jobs had resulted in a divorce! And no wonder!

I am usually very good at detachment and not worrying about other people's stuff. I'm trying. I don't know why I would be so upset unless I'm having a dip into codependency. :x

[elleng]

1. No.

'Co-dependency is a learned behavior that can be passed down from one generation to another. It is an emotional and behavioral condition that affects an individual’s ability to have a healthy, mutually satisfying relationship. It is also known as “relationship addiction” because people with codependency often form or maintain relationships that are one-sided, emotionally destructive and/or abusive. The disorder was first identified about ten years ago as the result of years of studying interpersonal relationships in families of alcoholics. Co-dependent behavior is learned by watching and imitating other family members who display this type of behavior.'

http://www.nmha.org/go/codependency

You are a concerned friend.



:hi:

[Why Syzygy]

3. Concerned in the extreme.

Thank you, Ellen. It's occurred to me that since I am a 'problem solver' person (solutions and ideas just come to me), this represents a problem for which no solution is immediately apparent. And that is completely unfamiliar to me. Not that I go around giving advice. It's more for my peace of mind knowing that at least a solution is available.

I finally suggested she might rehire the decorator to get everything fixed? They have already spent the entire allotment of funds, the decorator won't work with that man, her husband is afraid to lose the 'friendship' ... This is very much an AFGO (another friggin growth opportunity) for each of them. She has had much self help and attends Alanon. They've been seeing a counselor, whose relationship is in jeopardy now due to mistakes the counselor made in insurance billing. They will either grow from it or not. I guess.

:hug:

[Metta]

2. My take.

Usually, I find my reactions are a sign of my attachments and investments which are sometimes amplified by my projections which are, again, a reflection of attachments and expectations. Sounds like you're closer to the action than you suspected.

[Why Syzygy]

4. She said this is the worse thing

she has ever been through, including two divorces! She is even a cancer survivor. And has done a whole lot of growth work. We have been friends for more than two decades, so there is a lot of investment. She expressed her gratitude for my validation. I suppose that is the best I can give in this situation.

Thanks, Metta. :hi:

[Metta]

14. Tough breaks.

Yes, you're really a part of the action here. Being present and reflecting the situation are most important. Sometimes, it's hard to see the spots we're standing on. Also, it appears as if she isn't finished paying dues yet. It's no wonder she's dealt with cancer, given the stress she's been through. I wonder if she's going to continue to physically have these traumas to work through? Offhand, I wonder if that's how the women/mothers/daughters/wives in her family handle this sort of stuff? That is, is she playing out an invisible loyalty to her family?

Not knowing what you're doing, a couple of things come to mind that ease the way out of being caught so much in the drama and conflict. Giving stuff back to people which has to be vertical, that is, through an intermediary, not directly person to person, in order to work. Here's an affirmation for that which I like which works with the feminine aspects of divinity.

"Goddess, anything I may have picked up from anyone that doesn't belong to me, take it and give it back to whomever it belongs to, in whatever way, shape, form or time as you know best. Thank you." Followed by "Goddess, take the holes and spaces where stuff used to be and fill them with your light and grace. Thank you."

I'd also suggest assessing how things are viz. Maslow's hierarchy. I've always found that in understanding where and to what extent the conflicts lie, I have clearer information to base my choices on.

Grounding will burn off emtional effects of karma. Light, also, for healing and clearing comes to mind, as I'm sure you know. Resonating with/relfecting, filling, displacing, to saturation. Ask where it's not. Personal favorites, white and gold. And clear.

Go well and be well, my friend. :hug: :toast:




edited for clarity.

[get the red out]

5. Her husband is a people pleaser, bless him

He sounds like he would go along with anything to keep someone from becoming mad at him. (I resemble that remark, LOL!).

I had a situation where a friend was having problems that she couldn't control and I got emotionally wrapped up in it too. One afternoon she called me about what was going on, which was that her crazy daughter and abusive son-in-law (who had threatened to kill my friend) had run off with their two kids as soon as son-in-law had gotten out of jail for pistol-whipping the daughter. The jail-bird father wasn't even permitted to be with the kids so they were "on the lamb". My friend had kept calling the daughter and then she would call me with an update. Finally I became so worried about my friend just living off this drama, and about the son-in-law possibly harming her, that I just lost it on the third call in one day and told her the truth; that she was addicted to the drama and that her life might even be in danger and please don't call her daughter anymore and then call me. I said goodbye and hung up. Sad to say that was the end of our friendship. She thought that was the meanest thing anyone ever said to her.

I have learned that sometimes it is best to try to love friends from a distance and not get caught up in their stuff on an emotional level. Unfortunately, they often take well-meaning honesty as an attack, if they are not ready to hear outside observations. I am sorry your friend is in this horrible mess, I try to be supportive of people without getting my emotions caught up in it now; it really hurt loosing that friendship. I also try to pick my times to nudge in any outside assessments in a very subdued way. Part of my problem is that people are used to me being very non-confrontational, so if I suddenly come out with something firm, they absolutely freak and that becomes the topic rather than whatever I was trying to point out.

Good luck! :hi:

[Why Syzygy]

8. lol ..

to say the least. His idiosyncrasies propel her to seek professional/lay help for herself constantly. She has come a long way in dealing with him/them. He is so insecure that since they moved to Austin in 1998, he has kept a couple of facts about himself 'secret', fearing how others will judge him. Now one of the neighbors knows, and may have spilled to the contractor, so high drama ensues. In spite of all that, I've always liked him. I do not get caught up in his stuff at all. I talk to her, only knowing him peripherally. But they have both been friends. When we all lived in the Dallas area (pre Austin), my ex, myself and they had a few dinners together. .. Now when she is going through something with her nutty Bush lovin' brother, I just laugh! Her husband has recently sought counseling, a good sign.

I'm sorry you lost your friendship. I understand how some things become intolerable.

[Celebration]

6. Interesting

Since this isn't your usual pattern, you are wondering why you are so caught up with this, even while doing so well in other areas?

First, it is normal to feel concern, but beyond that you feel invested in the situation? Is there something from your past that reminds you of this situation? Maybe one time you gave into a teacher or something rather than create a confrontation when the teacher treated you badly? You see where I am going with this?

You may just wake up tomorrow, and let this all go. But if it continues to bother you more than you think it should, you could try some EFT.

[Why Syzygy]

7. True that ..

I have been involved with one or two men who were more passive than was good for us. I think of those 'legendary' men who protect their women at all costs. Romanticized, I'm sure. I am furious at him for putting her through this. My mind is much calmer today. Life beats on.

[omega minimo]

9. One solution

might be to find out if the contractor is licensed. Doesn't sound like it.

[Why Syzygy]

10. He is supposedly a new home builder!

Some consolation is that the reputable decorator is now aware of him. Austin is a 'small town' in many ways. She will get the word out on his methods.

The entanglement is due to the fact that my friends and the contractor are part of a social group at CHURCH. Personally, I would not go through that. I have a few trusted friends and don't need an entire party full of people who cannot be trusted to accept me as I am. She and I talked about that yesterday.

[omega minimo]

11. If he doesn't have a contractor's license, they can get some money back

Sounds like he doesn't and he's taking advantage of the church/social scene.

[Why Syzygy]

12. The problem with that is her husband.

He won't do it. His 'reputation' is too important to him. She and I agree that even though her husband is laying down playing dead to all this, this 'contractor' guy is not going to be interested in remaining friends after the way he has treated them. If her husband wasn't standing in the way, there would be all kinds of solutions available. That's why I'm so angry with him. He has turned it into a lose for sure situation. He has low self esteem. He cannot possibly take any beneficial action on his own behalf. OTOH, he doesn't really want her to tell anyone because we will think he is a "wimp". Well, he is.

[omega minimo]

13. Anyone

can inquire with the licensing board.