beautiful day outside, and I can't stop crying...

[FirstLight]

Had a totally demoralizing day of it with the county and welfare dept...

here's the rant:

http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=389x4792370

just had to come here to share, breakdown, and I think I am gonna go drown my sorrows in a bathtub...

[Idylle Moon Dancer]

1. I am reminded of an exchange I had just yesterday

the tail end of it:

me:

"ok I guess mostly I am just venting,
but I did have a very powerful - although I think mostly irrational - impulse to quit.
It is possible that not having a cigarette in a month has played a part,
even though I am still on nicotine,
and there are some other more personal issues that may or may not be discussed with everyone.

But I am genuinely irritated and frustrated with how practices have been going.

And people say to speak up and whatnot,
but I think I have like almost zero social and conversational skills it seems.
I feel like I excel at music and dancing, but totally suck at absolutely everything else.
My speech-brain moves so slowly,
I don't like to interrupt people when they are talking,
and when I am interrupted I often almost totally lose my train of thought.

I want to die in my sleep."

my friend and band-mate:

"... enjoy the music, enjoy the dancing, and enjoy the company of your friends. In these things you will find warmth and happiness, do not bring your stress to the music and dancing (for it comes from another place which is hurting you)... the art should free you, not torture you.

Stop worrying about the band, whether or not we will make it, whether or not we are 100% tight (which, frankly, never happens unless you are the New York Phil Harmonic(sp?) or Her Majesty's Freaking Symphony.)
Have fun with us, play good music, hang out and play. It really is a lot of fun. When we play, tight or not... I'm not so worried about being 110lbs.

There are no soft waters here. Just cold waves beating on a hard shore. This is life, and if you want the warmth it's fire, you have to build it yourself. We'll help you gather wood though ;)"

[Sienna86]

2. {Hugs}

and a long, warm bath will help. I am so sorry you are going through a difficult time. Try to be grateful for whatever you can - your child's smile, a warm bath, a cup of tea. You are going to have better days. Sending good energy your way.

[northernlights]

3. it's not your fault, Journalgrrl

You are not a failure :hug: It is, plain and simple, the busheconomy.

fwiw, I went all through my 20s from crap job to no job to crap job, nearly homeless much of the time. My family put me down for it -- it wasn't until many years later that I came to understand that in the 70s and early 80s, people that got careers right off did so through connections (usually, not always, family connections). It took until I was 31 to finally get a toehold on life and get into a decent company with opportunity.

9 years later, by the time I was your age, I was laid off from my first real career job. After having carefully saved 10% of my salary for 9 years and invested in a condo I had, thanks to Raygun collapsing the condo bubble, a *negative* net worth of $20K. I rode it out, was hired back and ended up making double what I'd made before.

I was going great guns...until * Jr. came along. Now I'm right back on the brink. Better brink than in my 20s, with a warm home and food in the pantry, but still on the brink.

Also, please remember, Whoopie Goldberg spent some years on welfare perfecting her craft before she hit the big time.

So have a hot soothing soak. Obama is in office. It will take a while, but it will get better.

[MorningGlow]

4. Aw, JG, I'm so sorry

This is such a dark time, isn't it? Yes, a bath is the perfect solution. A nice, warm, womb-floaty meditation. With bubbles. (Be sure to tell the kids to amuse themselves and NOT BOTHER YOU.)

Hang in there, sweetie. We're here for you. :hug:

One last thing--so, like, when does this year become OUR (Cappies') year? Huh? Huh? Is it soon? Because it's been, like, eight friggin' DAYS already! C'mon c'mon c'mon already!
:rofl:

[FirstLight]

8. ...yea, where IS it already!

patience is not one of my better virtues!

[FirstLight]

5. well, I took a hot shower...

finished crying and got smart enough to breathe

got the sage & salt scrub out that I got for christmas, and salted away the "neggies" (negativity)
grounded and held the shower flow over my heart, throat & 3rd eye

remenmbered that this isn't all mine
that grief and stuff is just what MY darkest shadow is looking like at this point in time

and that I get to remember & forget again & again
until I remember all the time and manifest the next world with all of you and others that are choosing it

right now, my eyes hurt and I am just goin to sleep hard tonight and then get back on the horse tomorrow, as always
keep remembering to ground & breathe! *phew*

ugh, hard days hurt!

[I Have A Dream]

6. I'm glad that you did what you needed to do to rid yourself...

of the negativity as best you could. You really did have a tough day.

I hope that you feel better tomorrow. :hug:

[NJCher]

7. I have a couple unique ways

...of finding work. How about you PM me and tell me what your ideal job would be--hours, what field, that sort of thing. Maybe one of my techniques will work with what you need.

I read your thread. I'm so sorry you've had to go through all that. This country makes me so mad sometimes. It offers so little and makes people jump through hoops to get it.



Cher

[LiberalEsto]

9. Oh, sweetie

It sounds like too much stuff piling up on top of too much stuff for you.

You need a hug: :hug:

Now, visualize what you would like to be doing 6 months from now. This bureaucratic stuff will all seem like a bad dream by that time.

Sending you many good vibes as the moon waxes toward full tomorrow. )))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))!

[rosesaylavee]

10. ((((((Journalgrrl))))))

:hug: