I'm parked in one of life's way stations.

[SeattleGirl]

Or rest stops, if you prefer.

I am tired of doing the job I've done for the past 18 years. I know what I want to do: go to school for 6 months in a floristry course. I have the money to do that, but because the classes go from 9:00 am to 3:00 pm, I don't know that I could continue to do my job for that length of time while preparing to do something else. I may be able to do that, but I'm not sure.

I also don't feel that my marriage is working any longer. In fact, I've felt that way for the longest time. Thing is, I care very much about the man I'm married to. It's just that we are more like room mates than spouses. I'm not sure what I'm going to do about that either.

I had been feeling as if I'd hit a wall, and in a way, I have. But what I realized tonight is that I have reached one of those way stations along the "highway of my life", and what I need most to do now is just rest a spell. Not try to force things, but rather, catch my breath, let my mind work without pushing it, and just let go of worry right now.

It's not the most comfortable place for me to be, but I'm gradually letting go of that which bothers me, in order to make way for whatever new steps I need to take in my life.

Anyone else at a way station, or been there in the past?

[eilen]

1. Have a seat a the hearth and have a cup of tea

I've been here since August (actually probably before). I was told I need to rest more. This is very hard to explain to my dh who is not on my wavelength. I have some kind of direction --to go into business for myself --in the area of my passion-- of which I have a few.....

They kept talking about astrology but I am just learning!

I do love to sew, do art and create things. So I am going in that direction for now but not in a big risk it all way. Babysteps.

[SeattleGirl]

9. Babysteps for me too, I think.

I was listening to the radio the other day, and they were interviewing someone who had interviewed a lot of people who were, or were on they way to, doing what they really loved.

Nearly all of them did it by taking baby steps, because they still had to feed their families, and pay the bills.

That's really not a bad way to do things.

[Delphinus]

2. Oh, SeattleGirl,

this is quite a time for you. :hug:

I've never been married, or even in a long-term relationship, so I don't have any words of wisdom. It sounds to me like you're doing the right thing, relaxing into this, not pushing anything, just letting life show you some different paths.

[SeattleGirl]

10. I usually get into trouble when I try to force things.

Sometimes that trouble takes the form of physically being in a place I should not have allowed myself to be in.

More often, though, I find myself in a troubled place in my mind. But when I allow myself to start relaxing, to pause, to slow down, things often work out better.

But I really have to work at letting my impatience go.

[Sanity Claws]

3. SeattleGirl and Eilen, I'm another

I'm at a waiting station too. I hope my train gets here soon. I'm getting antsy. Enough rest already!

[SeattleGirl]

11. Sounds like you need the express train!

Perhaps you are telling yourself that indeed, you have had enough rest, and are ready to let the rubber hit the road.

:)

[japple]

4. I'm there with you, and I thank you for putting it into words. I'm

trying to be patient, too, and have been receiving reassurance through angel numbers that I'm on the right course. It is not a comfortable place for me, either, but I've always landed on my feet and am trusting my intuition that everything will turn out for the best.

[Sanity Claws]

5. Angel numbers

I don't want to hijack SeattleGirl's thread but could you tell us more about these angel numbers you're getting.
I've gotten some numbers over the past few months. Just last night, I went to classroom 615 but that was a mistake and went to room 643. I've been trying make sense of it but can't.

[japple]

6. Link to Doreen Virtue's bit on angel numbers

http://www.inlightimes.com/archives/2005/05/f2.htm

[Bluestar]

8. Way cool, thanks for posting

I am a big Doreen Virtue fan, but I haven't read too many of her books in the past five years. She used to live about 3 blocks from me, so I feel a real connection.

[SeattleGirl]

7. Not to worry, isos.

I was curious myself.

[SeattleGirl]

12. Thanks for the link to the angel numbers, japple.

Interesting site.

I'm glad you are getting that reassurance. I think we all need it, especially at times when we ARE in an uncomfortable place.

[Silver Gaia]

13. I'm almost hesitant to post here, but you struck a chord with me...

The idea of "resting a spell," of just letting "my mind work without pushing it," and of letting go of worry, resonate deeply. But I am not sure how to get there any more. I have never, in my entire 54 years of life, felt so uncertain, so absolutely afraid to the core of my being, so anxious and consumed with worry. I am unfamiliar with feeling this way, and honestly don't know HOW to get myself out of this phase. Everything in my life seems to be in an uproar, and I've lost my moorings, become ungrounded. This is very unlike me, and as I've said, difficult for me to deal with because of this, I think. I'm not saying I've never taken risks. I'm a big risk-taker, and have leapt off the precipice many, many times in my life, but I've always done so with eyes wide open, full of hope and dreams, without fear, and with faith that I will land where I am supposed to be. In other words, I've always felt that leaping into unknown territory would ultimately bring me good things. And it has. Always. But now, I am afraid. I am mincing toward that precipice with fear this time, with eyes closed, and feeling a decided despair and lack of hope. I tell myself over and over NOT to do this, that if I think negatively, this is exactly what I will draw to myself, but I am not having much success in snapping myself out of this.

Looking at what I've written, I am not sure how it really relates to what you've posted, SeattleGirl, so sorry if this is really not in line with your thread. It's just what bubbled up when I read your post and the comments and discussion that follow.

[japple]

14. Dear Joolz, practice breathing. Am sending soothing energies

in your direction, with a request that Universe give you assistance in dealing with your fears.

Re: breathing Dr. Andrew Weil has an excellent breathing exercise on his website (don't have a link, but you can google it). It's called the 8-4-7 breathing exercise and it really helps you get calm and focused. It's especially good before you go to sleep.

[Silver Gaia]

16. Thanks, japple.

I found the breathing exercise you describe here: http://www.drweil.com/drw/u/id/ART00521

It sounds very similar to yoga breathing exercises I used to do. I'll certainly give it a try. Thanks for the suggestion. If it might help me sleep, that would be very, very good. :)

[SeattleGirl]

15. Oh, Joolz, sounds like you are really having a tough go of it right now.

And I think it absolutely relates to what I've posted.

I hope you can find a way to get calmer, and less afraid. I like the suggestion of the breathing exercise. Maybe that would help.

In the meantime, I'm sending you calming, soothing vibes. :hug:

[Silver Gaia]

18. Thanks to you, too, SeattleGirl.

You know, I was reading back through the comments here just now, and something else you said struck me... about being on your way to doing what you really love. That plays into what I'm feeling, too, I think. In 2001, I decided to begin that pursuit of what I really love, and began college for the first time in my life. I graduated with my B.A. (Humanities & Religious Studies) in 2006, and immediately entered grad school. I'm now in my last semester of grad school, and am facing the task of writing my master's thesis. Then, I'm done.

A part of why I chose this particular field of study has to do with the "doing what you love" idea. I could've chosen something that was more of a guaranteed money-maker, but I decided, since this was my one and only chance to go to college that I wanted to study "what I love" which meant it had to be based in spirituality (hence, religious studies). I thoroughly believed that, because this is what I LOVE, when the time came, I would find a way to open the appropriate doors to realize that goal, to finally follow a path of 'right livelihood.'

So, at this stage, what's supposed to come next is that "doing what you really love" part. Right? That's what I thought, anyhow. All of my hard work is supposed to pay off now... and it has been hard. I've worked my butt off to maintain a high GPA and the whole nine yards (which, with menopausal brain fuzz, hasn't been the easiest thing I've ever done!).

But... thinking on this... I entered school at the beginning of the Bush years. I was still feeling the afterglow of the Clinton years with that great left-over budget surplus. 9-11 hadn't happened yet (it DID in the first few weeks of my first semester, though), the Iraq War hadn't happened, the economy was still plugging along fairly well. The atrocities of the Bush administration were yet to come at that point. My entire college career has taken place during the Bush years, and now that I am about to leave and enter the world of work once more, the economy is in the toilet. I'm thinking I've repressed a LOT during these years, just so that I could focus on what I had to do to keep up with my classwork (baby steps), but now? It's all hitting me full force as I'm starting to phase myself out of student mode and into looking for work, and that protective wall I'd built around me is starting to come down. Not that I wasn't aware or didn't feel or keep up with events. I most definitely have. But I think I've probably blocked the worst of my feelings about all the CRAP that has happened under Bush. I was mentally aware, but was repressing a lot of emotion so that I could function at the high level I required of myself.

Just musing our loud here, but this could be a partial source, at least, of that despair and hopelessness I've been feeling lately. And a part of that revolves around fears that all this has been for nothing. The economy is ripping apart at the seams right at the time I need to be finding work--meaning, the chance to do that thing I really love, which was the whole reason for what I've devoted these last eight years to in the first place. That thing, BTW, is teach. I had set my sights on teaching at a community college, and that is what I've worked toward all these years. Well, we shall see, eh? I know in my heart that I've got to find a way to re-focus and get myself back on track with a positive attitude. I can make this happen, but I've got to BELIEVE that. Believe it like I once did without question. I need to find my fearless self again. That woman who plunges in with her eyes open and full of faith in herself and the universe that all will be well.

There's more (much more, actually), but I think this is probably a big part of what I've been feeling lately and why. Another aspect directly relates to what you stated in your OP about feeling a need to "just rest a spell." I need a breather. But I don't think it's in the cards for me. No time for that. I think there'll be breather time, but it will be a bit further down the road for me yet. There are a couple of women I know (they were my professors) at one of the community colleges here who were so inspirational to me. Older women who, like me, decided to remake their lives in their late forties and early fifties, went back to school, and became professors (one in history and one in anthro). Maybe re-connecting with these ladies might help, too. Maybe they can share some insight about how to get through this part.

Thanks for this thread, SeattleGirl. What I am going through is related in a loose way to what you're talking about, I suppose. Maybe as another part or piece of the process of breaking through to the other side, moving out of stagnation and into living the lives we truly want to live, doing what we love. Anyhow, this thread has helped me. So, thank you for starting it, for sharing yourself with us, and providing a place for me to do the same here.

And the positive, calming, energy from you and japple is definitely a tremendous help, a huge boost when I needed it. Thank you both so very much for that.

[teenagebambam]

21. Hey Joolz, hang in there

I, too, returned to school to do what I loved....then got to the end of my Doctorate and realized it would be awfully tricky to find a job in my field (music) that would make me a living AND pay down my student loans, especially with a prtner with the exact same degrees and the same predicament. It took a few years for the circumstances to line up just right, and lots of non-field joibs in the meantime, but now we're finally BOTH working in our field, at the same place no less, and able to pay all our bills (barely, but that's through no lack of trying on our parts!) So I won't end on a down note - the point is, don't get discouraged, hang on to your goals and they'll manifest when they're meant to!

[Silver Gaia]

22. Thanks for your encouragement. It helps!

:) :) :)

[SeattleGirl]

26. As I was reading this post, I had a thought as to another reason

why you may be experiencing a bit of a let down. All the things you mentioned are, I think factors in it, but I think another one is perhaps a bit of grief at your college experience winding down and coming to an end.

I started college when I was 27. I worked full time (at the college, thank goodness), and took about 20 credits a quarter. I went to school year round, except for one summer when I took a little break. It was a great experience for me, and I absolutely loved the academic environment I was in.

I was excited about graduation. My mom came up to Seattle to be there for me, and we had a great time. But about a week later, I started feeling really depressed. I was working at a job I liked (I had moved on from the university), but dang, my mood just plummeted. One day, I was taking a walk, and found myself walking by the university (I lived and worked not far from there), and it struck me that I MISSED being in school. I was mourning the loss of that "relationship" I'd had with that world.

It took probably an entire year for me to stop feeling that way, though the depression did lessen over time. I wasn't just mourning not being in school any more, but rather, the whole experience.

So, as I was reading your post, I thought, I wonder if that might also be part of what you are feeling.

Just a thought.

[Silver Gaia]

33. I think that could also be a part of it, SeattleGirl.

My hope has been to transfer myself to the other side of the academic equation as the teacher instead of the student (although I will always be a student in some capacity!), but I know that this will likely be hard-won and will take time. That's one reason why, however, I pushed myself to maintain a high GPA, and managed to pull off graduating with highest honors for my B.A. (summa cum laude) and am doing the same with my M.A., because I figure it's at least something to show that I'm committed to working hard academically and have the ability to do what I'm asking to do. I'm not bragging--just saying this was a part of the plan for me, and I worked myself HARD to accomplish this.

I was also very fortunate to have been offered a position as a teaching assistant last semester in a world mythology class with a wonderfully vibrant, energy-filled woman professor (about 20 years younger than me, too!). She and I had a great time working together. I taught a unit (on Celtic mythology) in that class and learned that I most definitely CAN DO this and she agreed. She gave me pretty free rein, and it was great to sort of stretch my wings. I also got to design a syllabus for teaching a world mythology class, and that was another great experience I loved doing. Above all else, I learned that I've made the right choice because I also LOVED every minute of it, even when I was burning the midnight oil to grade papers or exams, and standing in front of a hundred students and lecturing didn't bother me one bit--in fact, it jazzed me up. :D

So... a part of the fear is centered in whether or not a position will open up for me somewhere and whether or not I can successfully make it through the interview process for such a position (knowing little to nothing about what to expect or how to do this). So, yes, maybe a part of this is grief over knowing that, barring some wonderful opportunity, I will likely be working at doing something I really don't want to do again. At least for a while. And how long will that be? At 54, I am not exactly thinking I have all the time in the world to get myself to where I want to be. Kinda scary... and yeah, you're right, I'm really gonna MISS being caught up in the academic world.

[eilen]

37. I have been feeling isolated in inertia

I thought of going to school, I generally love school--but I find myself shying away due to the tuition costs and wondering if the blush will fade from that rose as it did with nursing-- for which I still have some student debt.

I am very frustrated about it. I don't have a BA or BS, and part of me feels like it is a big deal, I should complete an undergrad degree. Another part of me thinks that is another "should" and our society has become so over-credentialed, talent is as talent does and how many total idiots walk around with BA degrees which in the end don't really help much -- mostly serve as a way to screen people out. Also, I would like to just go out and do (do what? that is my quandry). I don't have much faith in a generic schooling, I guess I should seek out more mentorships/apprenticeships with women doing the kinds of things I love. I like personal relationships, get bored many times sitting in a class, dislike meetings (which brings me to the conclusion that I am not for management). I guess a business for myself but one in which I interact with others but not in a feeding off of me kind of way. I am thinking "aloud" here.

Right now, I feel tired and worn out but not in a good way, like after a day of gardening or working hard-- more in a way an invalid feels tired and worn out, low energy. I might also be influenced by the weather-- it is still so cold and grey here, not like Spring at all.

Where do I go from here? That is my question. And it is not something that anyone can help me with and I know the direction I have to go is NOT into the comfortable easy answers like pouring my energies into the home and gym in an effort to be supermom/wife constantly anticipating my family's needs and serving them (and becoming resentful later) or taking another craptastic nursing job in a facility so they can drain me empty and become a miserable bitter person. I know my dh is unhappy in his job which is just making him mad at me because I am not working and bringing in money so he can quit as the whim takes him (which I am not taking on). He may want to leave town again (and probably will when Saturn goes into Libra unless he gets sick -- he spent almost the entire Saturn transit through Leo away from me.

This is a very frustrating time, much of it I just want to retreat and hibernate through but know I need to do do do something and make this time at least somewhat constructive. I would have never considered this happening in my life, it had always been so busy and full and never time for anything and now I would think I'd have time for everything but accomplish almost nothing.

[Why Syzygy]

29. Your story reminds me

of that of DemExPat. .. menopausal brain and all :D

You are an inspiration, Joolz. Does that feel good?

I absolutely know you have taken the right direction. I can hear it in your story. Having taken the spiritual route, can you really put a lot of *faith* in the economic prognosticators? It may not play by your script, but you're prepared to go where Spirit leads you! Your degrees will open all kinds of doors for you.

I went back to school in 1997, as a mature student. I, too, was inspired by the women I met and who helped me. I had to get rid of a boyfriend to make it happen; and ended up only attending two semesters. My dad passed during the spring. I was also taking MCSE classes, and thought I would go the money making route. I found it intolerably boring.

I really don't have a LOVE to pursue as of yet. I think I've been out of touch with who I am, or maybe I had to grow up REAL slow, I don't know. That's why I have been working on being as still as possible, while keeping up with life, so I may hear the Inner Voice that wants to give me direction.

I love this thread. It sent me looking around for support. I'm really tired of regretting *old age*. I found some neat shows on Oprah.com. I might post some later. Just in case.

[Silver Gaia]

34. An inspiration? LOL

Well, yeah, that does feel good. I never would've thought a string of posts that started out from one about how freaking scared I feel right now could be seen as something inspirational, but thanks. :)

And you know... you're right, too. Maybe instead of having become UNgrounded, I've become TOO grounded and need to reconnect myself spiritually (although, for me, this also requires some aspects of grounding with Momma Earth). Maybe what I really need is to make more time for my spiritual practice, which, I must admit, has been somewhat short-changed as the academic demands on my time have mounted. I have to re-open myself so that I won't miss doors along the way that I am supposed to see. I'll be working out in my beloved gardens next week during spring break, and I have a feeling that is going to do me a world of good. Gardening is a form of moving meditation for me, and I am so looking forward to having the time to get my hands dirty. hehehe

LOL on getting rid of the boyfriend. I had to divorce a husband to get here, too. He had the gall to try to tell me NO, that he wouldn't ALLOW me to go back to school. Well, that was the last straw. And I guess I showed him, eh? I ended up eventually finding someone else who fully supports me. Soooo much better.

My Dad has passed on, too. Last summer. And the previous summer, I lost my younger brother, the one person in my family with whom I had a real connection spiritually. His death was devastating for me, partly because it was sudden and unexpected. It hurt when Dad passed, too, but he had been ill for a while, so we all knew it was only a matter of time with Dad. Anyhow, I'm still grieving for them both, and that, I'm sure, is probably playing a rather large part of the despair I've been feeling, too. It's been VERY difficult to keep going in school while trying to deal with these losses. As with some of the emotional baggage I mentioned associated with the Bush cabal, I'm sure I've repressed a lot of my grief in order to function, too. And now, it's all coming out.

As for "regretting *old age*"... that's one place I've just refused to go. Nope. No way. My husband sometimes says things like "Oh, if only I could be 18 again!" I am simply baffled by this. I am perfectly satisfied with being the age I am, and in no way would ever want to relive the follies of my youth. LOL I'm one of those women who refuses to dye her hair. I wear it as a badge of honor, slivered and to my waist. Every silver strand was well-earned. NO regrets. I LIKE being the age I am. My only age-related worry has to do with starting our on a new career. But in some ways, I figure my age and life experience can be a plus in that regard, too. On that, we shall see... ;)

Keep on listening to that Inner Voice. That's where you'll find your direction. It took me a damn long time to find mine, so just stay open and keep listening.

[SheilaT]

17. I had not thought of my current situation

as a way station, but that makes sense.

My marriage of 27 years has come to an end, but nothing is happening to move the divorce along. I want to relocate to another part of the country, but started in on major dental work last fall, and I'm amazed and distressed at how long it's taking. But, I will walk away with enough money to be somewhat financially independent, and as angry and sad as I am that I happened (he found someone he'd rather be with) I'm choosing to look upon this as an opportunity to start a new life, to live somewhere that I want to live. And the very fact that my moving somewhere else has been delayed for nearly a year has, in the end, been a good thing. I think. I must say, there are times when I'm angry and frustrated that I'm still here, but it means that I've spent a lot of time thinking about my situation, what I want out of life, what I'll do next.

As for advising you about the floristry course, I'm inclined to say go for it. Depending on your exact financial needs, you could always get a part-time job evenings at a Border's or some such. At the end of the course, will you be able to get a job that pays whatever you need?

Back to my situation, a lot of people are surprised that I want to move from Kansas to Santa Fe, leaving family and years of friendships. They worry that I'll have no support system, will find it hard to make new friends and have a network of things to do as I have here. But there's a lot I haven't liked about living here, and I've been here nearly 18 years. So why should I stay in a place I don't like and pass up the chance to freely choose where to live. It's a choice few people ever get.

And for you, taking the floristry course sounds like an opportunity you should take. And if your marriage is at an end, so be it. It will be sad and difficult to move on, but it can be done.

[Silver Gaia]

19. Speaking from the point of view of my old fearless self, Sheila,

I want to say go for it. I'm sorry to read about the ending of your marriage. I understand that, having been through divorce twice now. I don't know the particulars of your situation--no more than you've written here--but it sounds like you are ready for a change in your life. You have a right to be happy, to live the life you WANT to live. We all do. When my second marriage ended in 1997, I moved 2,500 miles and have never regretted it for a moment. (This was one of those huge risks I talked about upthread.) So, 'Make a plan, and work the plan.' (That's advice from my Dad that still rings in my ears.) You're right: "It's a choice few people ever get." (That's actually rather sad to think about, but true.) Don't let something pass you by that could be the best thing you ever did. Be cautious, plan carefully and don't make foolish moves, but take the risk, go for the new adventure--IF it's what your heart is telling you to do.

[SeattleGirl]

23. Wow, SheilaT!

You really ARE going through it, aren't you? But it sounds like you are dealing with it well, and have plans for moving on with it. Good for you.

I have decided that I'm going to take that course. I talked to the instructor, and asked if it would be a problem if occasionally, I had to miss part of a day due to an appointment with a client. She said it wouldn't be, as long as I made sure my work was done at some point. I can't start spring quarter, and there are no classes offered in the summer, so I'm going to start in the fall. I'll stay at the job I have while I'm going to school; fortunately, I make my own schedule and work from home, so there is no timeclock to punch into at the start of the day.

It's definitely something I'm looking forward to.

[SheilaT]

27. Thanks for the support.

I am going through a lot of changes, and I can choose to be unhappy and spread my unhappiness around, or I can choose to figure out what's positive about my situation. Admittedly, I'm in a fortunate financial situation, unlike a lot of women facing divorce. The boys are essentially grown (21 and 25), I don't have a good, full-time job that would be hard to leave. I want to try out a lot of new things, and quite frankly if it weren't for the cats, I'd be seeing about getting a job on a cruise ship.

Don't get me wrong: a lot of nights I stayed up too late finishing a bottle of wine and feeling sorry for myself and crying, and it can be terribly sad to still be in the house we moved to in 1990, where my sons have grown up, and still have to look at all of his stuff. Has anyone else ever known of a man who moved out and didn't take anything with him? It's quite strange.

What do you do, SeattleGirl that you can work from home and not punch a time clock?

[Why Syzygy]

28. That's wonderful news, SG!

That will just give you new life and energy! BLOOM!
It's not like it would ever be something to regret.

It is very physical work, the hardest I ever did. Lots of standing and carrying buckets of water :D
But I always enjoyed that part. Get some GOOD shoes. (I like Crocs)

I'm truly excited for you.

[Silver Gaia]

35. I just found this post...

I am SO glad you've decided to do this, SeattleGirl! Hooray for you, and congrats! I KNEW you'd find a way. And now, you can move out of that spot where you were feeling so stuck. There is forward movement.

:woohoo: :D

[Why Syzygy]

30. I had a friend from Kansas

in Dallas. She had a great network of friends. (If that means anything.) Your post just reminded me of her. I've moved and she's moved, but we still keep up.

New Mexico is a great place to live. I'm considering a move there myself in a few years. I would go more remote than Sante Fe though. Have you looked into specifics on housing, etc?

I'm sure the timing will be exactly right for your move. It's imminent.

[PinkTiger]

20. So many of us are going through big changes right now.

I really do commiserate. My marriage has been rocky for 31 years, and lately I've been making changes to our dynamics. One thing I did that really rocked his world (and not in a good way) was change my address to a PO Box. I got really tired of coming home and having my mail spread all over the kitchen table, with notes and remarks. My husband retired 7 years ago because of heart disease and cancer (he is now cancer free), and he has way too much time on his hands. We never do anything together unless it is what he wants to do. I'm not going to do the same tired things he wants to do anymore. I'm really not. So if he doesn't want to do stuff with me, fine.

I've been married to him too long to leave now. And I love him, and he needs me. But he i through dragging me down into his depressed spiral. Another thing I'm doing, I'm working out again and getting my figure back and losing a bunch of weight. He is threatened by this, and feels I'm abandoning him. He needs to get over it.

At work, I'm also not going to be the same faithful hound dog anymore. I'm a bit weary of planning trips to Europe so other people can have a good time while I serve as tour guide and fixer. So, I may not go again in 2009.

Seattle Girl, you will be OK. Together we will all get through the changes.

[SeattleGirl]

24. Sounds like you are handling things very well, PinkTiger.

Especially in taking care of yourself, while choosing to stay with your husband. Yes, we will get through these changes. Sometimes I wish it wasn't so uncomfortable, but it is, and I'll just have to deal with it. :)

[PinkTiger]

31. Well, (Laughs) I have a lot of bravado....

But really, my marriage is pretty good. We never stay mad at each other long.
I admire what you are doing, though. It takes so much courage.

[Fire Walk With Me]

25. ...

:hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:

[Silver Gaia]

32. SeattleGirl, I want to reply more directly to your OP.

I can understand being tired of a job you've worked for 18 years. I am inclined to agree with others here who are telling you to find a way to go to floristry school. Follow your heart. One thing I know is that when we don't allow ourselves to embrace change in our lives, when we shy alway from something new because it is easier to just maintain the old patterns, what ensues is often regret and sometimes even bitterness. It sounds like you are ready to make some changes, but are concerned about making that first step. As I said to SheilaT, 'make a plan, and work the plan.'

Maybe make yourself a pros and cons list for each scenario: 1) Stay with your same job, or 2) make changes so that you can go to the floristry school. List all the pros and cons for each situation, and try to be very honest with yourself about this. Sometimes when we lay it all out in black and white, it's easier to see what the right choice would be. Think on this and then just set it aside and let your deep self work on it. As you said, stop pushing with your mind on the conscious level. When you are ready, it will bubble up into your consciousness, and then you will be ready to take whichever seems to be the right path for you at this time. At least, this has worked for me in the past when I was faced with life-changing decisions.

I'm so sorry that your marriage seems to have come to a place where it is no longer working for you. :hug: I hear you there, too. As with the other career-related decision, I think you are doing the right thing by letting go of things at the conscious level regarding your relationship. Your deep self will continue to work on things and when you are ready, you will know what to do about this, too.

I know it may sound strange for someone who said she's feeling hopeless despair to be offering any sort of advice. But I can speak at least from past experience, even though at the present I am also feeling confused and unsure. You'll never know unless you try, and if you don't allow yourself to try, then you will always wonder 'what IF'...

[Silver Gaia]

36. Just want to say... what a great thread...

I have to say I am feeling SO much better than I did 24 hours ago. We are lifting each other up here, and I love it. :) Thank you.

[SeattleGirl]

38. You're welcome, Joolz.

I actually had no idea I'd get such great responses from people.

I also feel a bit better than I did 24 hours ago. In fact, last night I had a bit of a breakthrough in terms of how I'm feeling, which is a first step toward getting on with things.

Thank you for your great responses here.

[Grateful for Hope]

39. I haven't responded, SG

but, I wanted to second Joolz' thank you. I have gotten a lot from just reading this thread.

Thank you!!

[Cleita]

40. If you feel you need to make changes, now is the time to

do it while you are still young enough to have a future before you. It's much harder when you get older even when the changes you have to make are not of your own choosing. You have hit the proverbial crossroads. Do you keep going down the same path? Or, do you make a choice to go right or left? It's a hard decision because leaving the old familiar road is scary. Think about it very carefully. Try to grasp an understanding of all possible futures depending on which direction you might choose. Do you really want the change those directions will bring? However, if you don't choose now, it might be awhile before you reach another crossroads and you might find the crossroad is blocked in either one or both directions and you can't access it. It gets harder to get off the familiar and safe path the longer you stay on it. It still is a really big decision only you can make. May the continuation of your journey be the one that will bring you the happiness you long for.