Needing some guidance, big time, and quick.

[Chovexani]

I swear I come in here for more than asking help, really. :blush: But I'm in a bind, I am really torn and in some desperate need for guidance.

Almost a year ago, my Goddess led me out to AZ. I was in a bad place financially, spiritually, emotionally--all kinds of stagnant, living at home with unsupportive family--and asked her for a way out. So I came out here and moved in with friends. This is some serious karmic stuff...we've been together through many lives and through many ups and downs in them. I've learned a lot about myself and have grown exponentially spirit-wise. I am a level 2 Reiki practitioner now among other things.

But here's my dilemma. Saturday, housemates are signing a lease on our house. They asked me to make a commitment to our family and such and sign on. The problem is a) Mercury Rx makes me EXTREMELY hesitant to sign anything, but our landlord is being insistent and we can't put it off. Mercury is also my ruling planet (I'm a Gemini). I've also been terribly, desperately homesick the last couple of months and it's only been getting worse. Some of this might be influenced by metaphysical attack (we've been under almost constant for like the last month). I love them to death but I don't know if I can do another year out here. The pros are the fact that I'm making way more money out here than I was back east ($12/hr doing data entry) and there is more job opportunity for someone with my lack of education and experience (I have my Good ENough Diploma, and want to go back to school). I'm also free to explore my spirituality here, there is more open space, have altars, etc. be out about my sexual orientation also and not have to deal with the fundie parental unit. OTOH, I have less freedom here because I can't drive and public transportation in the Phoenix area is a joke compared to NYC. I'm basically at the mercy of the bus system and my one housemate that can drive. I also find that I miss the culture more than anything...hopping on the train and going to the museum, and the vibrance and pulse of the city. It's just too mellow out here for me, I find.

I feel like I'm being pressured into signing this lease but I don't know. On one hand there is a lot of opportunity for me out here spiritually, materially, etc. and going back to NY would mean going back to my mom and what I fear is stagnation (my one extremely sensitive housemate did a tarot reading and the cards basically told me that I'd be living at home until 35 and would not grow spiritually at all if I went back). OTOH, I've lost the ability to pursue most of my hobbies and I feel like I'm losing too much of myself out here, kind of throwing the baby out with the bathwater. What I need is outside advice...sometimes someone looking from the outside of a situation can see things more clearly or have different insights. Tarot or astro is appreciated greatly. My birth info is 5/30/81, 1:30pm, in Brooklyn, NY.

Sorry if this is long and rambling but lord am I in an emotional mess right now. :cry:

[BlueIris]

1. Ouch. That sounds really tough.

My first reaction, though? Don't sign anything. Not so much because of the Merc Rx factor, but because you are sensing (read: getting) so much pressure from the housemates.

[Chovexani]

2. I feel like this is going to be a bad one no matter what

It's hard to stay positive. I know there is a life lesson in here. It's just so damn hard, especially when you're in a situation where there is some heavy karmic ties. It feels like tug-of-war with my heart.

They first asked me last week, and we had a fight about it. We talked some things out but then I flip-flopped all week. I got what basically amounts to the ultimatum 2 days ago. I also recently got my Reiki 2 attunement and part of what goes along with that is emotional purging and clearing out of old hurts. We had a fight recently that triggered some of my mom issues and that's been weighing heavily on my mind, too; it's really hard for me to communicate my feelings and I've had a hard time with it especially of late.

[DemExpat]

3. My feelings on this tough situation....

are that the potential for further growth and development on many levels are away from your family, so slogging through all of the very tough and painful feelings there with friends might be best in the long run.
For how long is the lease contract????

This is coming from my experience of being away from family for many years which enabled me, very painfully but determinedly, to become my own person, so to speak. I am totally certain that if I'd stayed near my parents the outcome would have been different.

Many hugs for you and hopes that you get some guidance from within about what decision to make.
Lifesaver for me - writing things down in my diary to give perspective and have clearer pros and cons of things on paper....

:hug:

DemEx

[Chovexani]

10. The lease is for 1 year

I'm feeling like you might be right, and that's what I was thinking about. Maybe it's cold feet or I sense rough times ahead and I'm scared?

I will try the diary idea, it sounds like a good one. Thanks. :hug:

[BlueIris]

4. ...egh.

Um, just for the official record: I agree with your assessment that you're going to have to make a not-so-fun decision here. Because...I'm not sure your options here (stay with the roommates or return home to NY) are going to place you with supportive living partners. Ultimatums? Tarot readings suggesting things as extreme and specific as the idea that you won't grow spiritually "at all" if you return to New York? I...don't love what you've posted about your roommates.

[DemExpat]

6. ......maybe first step is handling this aspect.....

We had a fight recently that triggered some of my mom issues and that's been weighing heavily on my mind, too; it's really hard for me to communicate my feelings and I've had a hard time with it especially of late.

Again, a great aid for me, is using written notes and letters of communication when I can't express myself well with speech. Put your position down on paper first and offer that to your friends, who are asking for more clarity and commitment from you in sharing a home. Depending on their response, then you will perhaps have a better idea of what you need to do here.

DemEx

[crikkett]

5. how long is the lease, where would you go, can you afford to move?

Is the only fighting with housemates over this lease?
Do you otherwise get along well?
Is your home happy (enough)?
Can you save money, and build credit, living where you are, so that you would have the means to better yourself (ie return to school) and move up in time?

What is this spiritual bombardment you're talking about? It's not just winter blahs? Is it strange that you're afraid to commit to people you've spent "several lifetimes" with?

Most people have to sign leases where they live. It happens all the time. Is this the biggest commitment you've ever made? Maybe this is just new to you and you're afraid to take the risk. Hey - don't worry, if you've got a good job and you like who you live with, a year is not a long time. And, you can do something about the bus system - get involved in the citizen advisory committee or whatever the equivalent is where you are. Speak up. Bus systems are planned based on both usage and feedback.

Your stress might be that this deadline is forcing you to deal with some unpleasant reality that you were previously able to ignore. Perhaps identifying this problem will help you understand and resolve it.

By the way this Mercury Rx for me isn't stereotypical. I find myself reconnecting with old friends that I've been out of touch with, there are no more crossed-signals or computer problems than usual, and projects seem to be moving forward as if there's a conspiracy for my success. It's actually a nice feeling.

[Chovexani]

9. Well

In the year I've been here, we've really only had like three or four major fights, and they were all about my inability to communicate. My one roomie is very...dominating though and has a tendency to feel threatened whenever someone encroaches on her "territory" so to speak. She's been burned very badly by various crazy folks in the past, without getting into it, so she is naturally kinda paranoid (I can't say that I blame her either).

The spiritual attacks have been just an outpouring of negativity. It's hard to describe. We had a really, really bad run of financial luck until very recently (three of four of us work at the same place, and myself and my other roomie who are hourly were getting sent home early due to lack of work almost every day around Xmas/New Year's). It was one of those things where no matter how careful we were in budgeting, something shitty that was out of our control would happen and we'd be back in the hole.

I've never signed a lease before....this would be the first one (this is the first time I've been out on my own, I'm kind of a late bloomer so to speak). So I suspect it might be the risk.

I'm glad this Rx seems to be going well for you. They always seem to knock me on my ass for some reason, and I think it has to do with my chart, but I don't know a whole lot about astrology beyond the basics so I can't say for sure.

[Why Syzygy]

7. I agree with Crickkett ..

A year is not a very long time. It sounds as if you are in a position financially and safety-wise to stay for at least another year. And chances are that if you MUST move before the end of the lease, your housemates would negotiate with you and let you out of the lease.

Is the homesickness related to anything going on in NYC or Phoenix? Is your mom pressuring you to return? I also don't agree that Tarot would state matters in the way you describe. I've never heard of a reputable reader giving dates, specific time spans, etc. There is always a CHOICE. Tarot does not remove Free Will. It is quite normal to be 'homesick' when making changes. It may be more related to your inner deveolpment than the outer location. If you are used to having other people make your decisions, and now that they are up to you, feeling could be triggered of wanting the old safety net. I'm not extremely familiar with the cultural opportunities in Phoenix. But it is a cosmopolitan area and a University city, so I'm sure there are some things to catch your attention. It won't be the same as NYC .. because, well, it is Phoenix! I lived in Tucson when I was in high school and I was so homesick I moved back to Texas during my junior year. Sometimes I wish I had stayed there. The culture is VERY different, but not 'bad'. Just different. You can always return to NYC at a later time, when you have clearer guidance and don't feel so conflicted.

What does your Goddess have to say on the matter?

[Chovexani]

11. I think it's all according to what you're used to

I was born and raised in NYC and lived there my whole life until I moved out here, so I have very strong ties there. There's also been a metric crap ton of events going on there since I left in terms of my hobbies (there were a couple of J-Rock shows I really wanted to go to and missed out on, and some anime-related things too). I also miss my friends like crazy. I don't really get to talk to them much with my schedule.

My mom has been really supportive, sending me emergency cash when I need it, etc. She hasn't ever pressured me to come back, she just let me know that if I ever wanted to, the door was open. It's been a real surprise.

Goddess is telling me that she won't look badly on me if I decide to go back, so don't worry about it in that respect--I've been feeling guilty over the whole dilemma because she answered my prayers and I didn't want to be an indian giver (I hate that term and know it's offensive but it's the only thing I can think of). She's a moon goddess (technically fictional, but that's a whole other thread) and I think part of it is I feel closer to her out here because there's less "muck" and more open spaces. I can see the sky more clearly out here. She's saying my work out here isn't finished and that I need to be out here another year to learn the lessons I need to. I'm on the verge of a breakthrough, kind of going to the next level, and if I leave now it'll take a lot longer.

[Sweet Freedom]

8. If you signed the lease and then needed to move,

could someone else take over your place? In other words, would your roommates be open to a new roommate, if neccessary? I just offer this option because it seems to me that you are concerned about being stuck in a place with no way out, but if someone else picking up your lease is an option, maybe you won't feel so stuck.

[LiberalEsto]

12. Can you find another place?

What about finding some other roomies and moving to another place - without a lease - in Phoenix? Is that an option? That would give you time to think and make decisions based on reasoning rather than on haste and pressure.

[Chovexani]

13. It's a possibility

My job pays well enough and the rents are reasonable enough that I could actually live on my own if I needed to (one of the nice things about a college town). I don't know about the lease situation with regards to the local rental market, though.

It's something I will look into.

[Chovexani]

14. Thanks so much everyone

I need to run to work right now but I really, really appreciate all the advice and I will check back in when I get home tonight. Unfortunately IT has our computers on lockdown so we can't do any kind of internet at work except accessing the federal student loan database. :(

[davsand]

15. All righty, I'm gonna sound like a Mom here--OK?

First, a lease is a legal thing. If you sign it you are bound to the legal remedies it contains. Does the lease allow for you to sublet if you decide to move out? Does it call for your landlord to have to approve whoever you decide to sublet to? Most standard leases do, so be sure you know EXACTLY what you are agreeing to--OK? I'd hate to see you sign anything that marries you to rent for a place you can't (or don't want to) live in.

Second, I dunno abut the whole house mate thing, and here is why I say that. I've found that sharing space with ANYBODY you aren't either sleeping with or related to is a really difficult thing to do for too long. It can be done, but it ain't easy, especially if there is any element of a control dispute present. You can save money and you can stave off loneliness with house mates, but it sure can be a pain in your butt sometimes, too.

IMO, I just HATE it when anybody tries to tell me I "have" to do something to stay pals with them. I loathe and abhor ANY kind of emotional blackmail, and I really have always kind of felt that the house mate thing can really open up the door for that too easily for my taste. When you LIVE in a place with people they really do have an ability to mess with your emotional well being if they choose to. YMMV.

Are you certain you want to stay with these folks? Only you know how comfortable you feel with them and how much you trust them. Only YOU know how much it means to you to maybe live someplace else that is closer to the stuff you like to do.

You may want to consider the idea of living in that town but in a place other than with these people in THAT house, or maybe you DO want to live with them someplace other than in that house--had THAT occurred to you? Would they be willing to consider moving as a group to a place located in a more convenient location for you all?

I'm sorry if I'm sounding too "Momish" here, but this really is one of those things that just IS--you either choose to deal with it or you don't, I think, and it is YOUR choice to make, dear. What do YOU want to do if you take the "loss of my pals" thing out of the equation?


Laura

[Chovexani]

16. Don't apologize for being "momish"

That's exactly what I was needing. :hug: We're going to be looking at the lease tomorrow so I'll know the details then.

My biggest problem is that I tend to be rather passive as a person despite having a bullheaded personality at times so I have a bad habit of letting people walk on me. My friends are slightly older than me for the most part (one's actually younger but is very much an Old Soul and has gone through a shit ton of crap in this life), and have much more life experience so I think I tend to defer to them on a lot of things, almost like a surrogate mom situation. I think it's what I needed when I left but at the same time I think it's starting to not be healthy for me. I feel like I don't get enough "me" time...the hardest adjustment I've had to make has been being forced to be social with other folks whether I want to be or not. I'm a loner for the most part and when I was living at home with my family I could pretty much be a hermit and get away with it. I guess I'm the stereotypical Gemini in that I can be a social butterfly around people I feel comfortable with but then in the blink of an eye I turn into Crabby McMoodypants and want to be left alone. It's been a valuable lesson in growth for me but at the same time I feel like it's gone to the other extreme. I don't think a year ago that I could have moved out to stay completely on my own, but it's looking like a viable option for me.

I thought about what y'all have said a lot today at work and the more I think about it, the more I realize staying in town but getting my own place sounds like a viable compromise. As long as I can find someplace relatively close to a bus route or two (a light rail is coming to the area soon, also), I think I could live on my own. More importantly than financially I think I've grown to the point where I can do it mentally and emotionally. It's hard being a late bloomer...in many ways in society you're expected to move out as soon as you're 18, but if you don't it kind of feels like being in a strange state of in-between.

[Why Syzygy]

17. Thought you might be interested in this >

http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=show_mesg&forum=389&topic_id=237531&mesg_id=237756