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You said, ". . .unconditional love for someone who you are living with daily who does not reciprocate is still, to me, a sign of trying to fill some hole in oneself by looking outward, not inward."
You have just depicted what happens to 99 percent of people who haven't done the INNER work first in order to free themselves from the need to look outward to fill holes within themselves. This is especially true of people within our own culture. A culture dominated with outward appearances and the projection of images. The gods of this culture are plastered all over the tabloids, glamor mags and entertainment shows that present this lifestyle as desirable and the life to be achieved. It permeates all aspects of our daily lives. From the way that we look at ourselves to the way we interact within the relationships we form. Conditional love. If you look like this, you will be loved. If you make this much money everyone will love you. A very sad commentary on what constitutes love, wouldn't you say? And this is where my experience takes over.
My father was born in Hollywood, my mother, not far from there in Loma Linda, California. My dad saw himself as the next James Dean. My mother projected an image of Doris Day. Were they conscious of these projections? Only they know for sure. But these images were present none the less and captured in pictures of them as young adults. My mother, for a time ran with a fast set during the time when the Marilyn Monroe look was all the rage. She was a blond, busty beauty with a flare for the dramatic and dated Lloyd Bridges for awhile. But she had a problem with drinking and a festering emotional wound that limited her ability to become anything more than my eventual mother. My dad had a different ability. An ability to project himself as someone more than he was. When he was in the Navy and in China during the 50's, he would go to his tailor in Hong Kong, slip into his business suits and pass himself off as an oil executive for Standard Oil. He even dated the mayor of Hong Kong's daughter and attended all the finest functions the city had to offer. He was an accomplished ballroom dancer and could run a line of bullshit so long that I'm sure he had trouble keeping up with it himself. When the pressure came from the mayor's daughter for a more permanent arrangement, he deftly extricated himself from the scene by getting orders for another part of the fleet that helped him avoid Hong Kong. All of this from the son of a simple cotton farmer outside of Lancaster, California. Enter now how my future parents met. My father saw my mother for the first time in, of all places, a liquor store somewhere in Los Angeles. Well, my dad just had to have this beauty and the game was afoot. Ballroom dancing. Long, flowing chiffon dresses and the well-dressed crowd and my mother was swept away. Soon after the wedding, this little bundle of joy came along in the face of a son that on a soul level, had issues along the same lines that these two innocents carried within their make-ups. After the numerous traumas and life events that come from the myriad of dysfunctional tales that seem to permeate my generation, this son grew into adulthood. Replete with all the nice little legacies picked up from the combination of families these two represented. Until a time it all came to a head while following his father's path in the Navy and his mother's trait of drinking heavily and sampling all the substances that came along while in pursuit of the HIGH life. Mental and emotional breakdown at the age of twenty-one.
You know, I'm amazed at how easy it is to become invisible within the daily world when someone is in such a precarious state. We are so busily involved with our own lives that the lives of those around us are hardly noticed. As long as the proper functions are carried out in what constitutes a normal life, the proper verbal exchanges and daily routines, you can quite easily escape the scrutiny of those around you. It was in such a state of being that I had one of the many contacts with spirit that have come to define my existence and the quirky way I have of looking at the life around me. During the many nights of jousting with what I chose to call God and reading material that was supplied to me from my very religious grandfather, I erupted in anger. I threw the Bible and other reading material against the wall, crying out in utter frustration and confusion for God to reveal itself to me. I demanded to be free of all the veil of words professing to be of God and begged for the presence of God to be made known to me. I threw myself on my bed in abject dejection, not believing anything to be possible and began to weep uncontrollably. I was so at my wits end I was becoming afraid for my very life. And then, quite imperceptibly at first, I became aware of the feeling of great arms enfolding me, lifting me into the most loving bosom and beating with the heart of life itself. I opened my eyes, "Was I still alone?" I knew I was, but I had to be sure. And in seeing that I was completely alone and that the sensation became even stronger, I gasped and it seemed that a deep reservoir of pain, longing and sadness welled up within me until I was crying and sobbing so uncontrollably that my body shook in one long continuous shudder until I had to bury my face within that bosom as those great loving arms held me closer, brushing away the strands of hair from my tear soaked face. Stroking my hair as I could feel myself being rocked gently into the most restful sleep and where I began to dream. I felt and experienced unconditional love then. Acceptance and understanding for who I was, at that time and in that moment. When I awoke the next day, it was with me still. It remains to this day through all my travels. In truth it is the only thing that truly exists. All else is but the illusions and projections of the dreams of Humanity. I have taken this knowledge and have been actively cleaning out my own inner house. I have met many along the way. I have retraced the darker paths of my own soul with an eye for coming to terms with my own human condition. In doing so, I have let go of the need to judge the lives of others and to trust that they too tread along paths that are not my own but significant none the less. I understand what Jesus meant when he said, "And he that shall lose himself shall find himself." I have learned to trust that those who are presented into my life are there for a purpose. I embrace them all with the love that was shown to me and I am learning to accept them no matter where they are in this journey we call life. I share what I can when the doors are open and I wait in anticipation of what it is they are to bring to me in way of knowledge, experience and teaching. And I realize that everything around me is miraculous and that I live at a time when incredible events are about to unfold. I chose this time to be born and I await the day I may be of service to those who will be in need.
This is my experience up until now. These are the dictates that guide my life. This is how I have chosen to experience this particular life.
There will be others, of this I am assured. For now, I wait and I prepare.
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