A Test? On Letting Go....

[Avalux]

My weekend was very strange, and I was left wondering last night if it was all a huge test by the universe...

How much can happen in 3 days you might ask? A lot!

First; someone came back into my life that I had started a relationship with but at the time (a little over a year ago), did not have the emotional bearings to give him what he needed; he's a very giving person and I wasn't able to reciprocate or show him affection. At the time I didn't really understand why, but I know now it had just about everything to do with spending 15 years in a relationship with an alcoholic where I was never able to fully express myself for fear of being rejected or worse; it was controlling and oppressive. Although the spark was there with new guy, it just wasn't the right time; I was programmed to operate from a place of fear. We stayed in contact though, and had a reunion of sorts on Friday; I shared something deeply personal and it seems as if something shifted between us. The barriers that once were in place are gone. Or maybe I've gained the courage to allow my wall to at least be lowered to a scalable height. ;) He is a wonderful person and I'm thankful to be given another opportunity; thankful he decided it's worth it.

That very same night, I was awakend by a phone call at 1230 am from my ex (the controlling and oppresive relationship ex). I didn't answer and the next morning, saw he'd left a voicemail. I have a 3 minute recording of a knock-down drag-out fight between him and his girlfriend and it's really bad; certainly wasn't meant for me to hear. It was definitely physical (by both of them); she apparently attacked him (punched him) while he was sleeping and started it; some of it was about me and accusations he's seeing me behind her back (not true). When it ended, she was screaming her head off.

How did I feel after listening to that a few times? Horror, shock, a sense of gratitude that I'm not involved with him anymore but still, a twinge of feeling sorry for him (WRONG). Every now and then throughout the day, I wrestled with my emotions over being inadvertently dragged into their drama.

Fast forward to Saturday night; I get a phone call from his ex-wife. She got a call from her mother; a man had left a message on her answering machine that he was in jail and to get ahold of me (said my name). The ex-wife and I are connected by children, we have become friends so that our kids can remain close. We essentially leave him out of the picture. So we agreed it was him in jail, since he's the connection between us, and that he called her mother because she's in the phone book. I then called the jail to confirm and yep - there he was.

Again, all that old stuff surfaced, and I was overcome by the inclination to help him (I was a classic enabler); but I stopped myself, and I LET IT GO. I decided the best thing I could do was to not get involved and that he probably needed to sit in jail for awhile and take responsibility for his actions. At this point, I'm thinking he's in jail because he beat up the girlfriend.

I called the jail again late yesterday (curiosity mostly) and was told he was being bailed out. So, someone did come to his rescue.

This morning I checked arrest records and sure enough, he was charged with assualt and bodily injury.

I am proud of myself for NOT trying to help the man I spent so much time trying make happy; covering for him with lies; pretending everything was OK when it wasn't. Part of me wanted to, but I didn't do it.

So I'm not sure if it was a test, but I feel as if I passed it; and today I feel strong and really good about moving ahead with my future. I have finally, definitively, LET GO.

___________________

Let me add something to this....IF my ex decided to quit drinking and had an action plan, I'd support him 100%.

[FirstLight]

1. GOOD for you!

...and yes, you have let it go, for the most part.

sometimes it takes a while before we realize that being dragged into the drama we have left behind is not in our own best interest.
it's odd that you got that message, like the universe was telling you to brace yourself for the next big phone call... if you had not been aware of the awfulness, you most likely would have bailed him out, or at least stepped into the shitstorm.

STAY clear of this person and all associated people if you can, that's my advice. you deserve to have someone who is real and kind and worthy of your love, and who doesn't do the drama dance on a regular basis. The more you extract yourself from the ick, the less hold it will hvae on you, and eventually it won't even rear it's ugly head. as for the new guy, take it slow and have fun...and be careful how much of any of these stories you share. sometimes it doesn't help to reveal all those things...

I am only offering advice from my own experience...had an abusive ex too and being free is the best thing but i still have to battle against some of those negative programs.. and i think sometimes men who i meet now judge me as a certain 'type' because of that information, so it's best to downplay it...

[Avalux]

5. That is so true....

I didn't think of it that way - that I was supposed to get that message as a warning. The girlfriend is an alcoholic as well and a lunatic; there's been a few times I've been concerned she may come after me. So if I hadn't heard that message, I may have felt compelled to bail him out and blamed her for it all (I know thinking that way is messed up, but you understand if you have an abusive ex).

The negative programs! They're still there, but I'm strong enough now to overcome them. And as far as sharing details of past abuse with the new guy, I haven't and I won't until I feel comfortable enough he won't judge. What I shared with him was something else entirely about my health. He let me know unequivocally that if I get bad news and need help, he'll be there to take care of me.

[MagickMuffin]

2. These situations are NEVER easy, Avalux

But I'm proud to say that you did everything RIGHT, imho. You have already severed the chord with this relationship, no need for you to be involved anymore. Your ex was selfish to involve you, except to drag you back into HIS drama. He wanted you to bail him out, once again relying on you to be his enabler. He is a grown man and his actions are HIS and only HIS. He needs help, but that is something he needs to do on his own.

And so for your last sentence, I hope your support would only be mental support. Please don't allow someone who treated you the way he did to EVER be a part of your life. I feel as though if you were to be any more supportive he already knows how he can get away with manipulating you to do as he wishes. He could still continue to do so even if he has quit drinking, even non alcoholics know how to manipulate and still have their enablers. I've seen this up close. It can develop into a vicious cycle. Again just my opinion. I definitely don't want to interfere with your thoughts about this. I just think it is best that he goes his own way and not depend on you. Please move on, you need to be happy and I don't know how this would affect - effect you.


I think the part about your new boyfriend sounds like something you should pursue and see what develops. You can still keep a scalable wall between you. Lord knows you've been through a lot with your ex. But at some point we need companionship and perhaps he can fill that void.

Good Luck, Light and Love to you. You deserve it :hug:

[Avalux]

6. Yes, only mental support; we do have a child together.

I would support him for her in the hope that he might be able to have a more stable relationship with her (I'm not deluding myself though). I think we all want that for our children. But boundaries - I can do them now. Where before, I had none and allowed him to walk all over me while I kept my mouth shut and put up with it. It's almost embarrassing to admit.

It's interesting with the new guy....when he says something or acts in a way that I'm not accustomed to (like being nice to me!); it's as if I don't know how to respond. That's getting better though and hopefully he'll be patient. :hug:

[Flying Dream Blues]

3. My first thought was, I wonder if this is

something you asked your angels for help with? And of course my second thought was, how wonderful you were given the opportunity to see how far you've come on your journey. I know a little about how hard these kinds of patterns are to break and shift toward something healthier. And I'm really happy that you are getting a second chance with someone who is very giving! Peace and blessings to you...

:hug:

[Avalux]

7. It could be.....

I do talk to my angels frequently and have been asking for assistance with my relationship issues. So maybe this was a way to let me know I'm ready to move on, and that I deserve to be loved. :hug:

[WhiteTara]

4. Long ago, I learned about psychic hooks

The longer the relationships, the deeper the hook. It was so on time for him to contact you when you had found a new person to try to relate to...your response was also perfect. You let go. The hooks will come again and again and after time, they will go away if you let the hook slide past you.

Yeah for you! You are on your way!

Bright blessings on your life and endeavors to be an authentic human being!

[Avalux]

8. That makes a lot of sense.

Spending 15 years with someone in a dysfunctional relationship - those hooks were/are mighty deep. It was as if I was brainwashed and it's taken a very long time to get where I am now. I still have a lot of work to do, but I know I'll be completely free of it, I trust myself now. I won't allow myself to ever be in that place again, even if it means being alone.

:hi:

[WhiteTara]

9. Being alone can be delicious!

Everything stays in the place you left it, you can eat ice cream for dinner or breakfast and no one will say a word. You can stay out as long as you want. You can have friends over at any time you want. You can listen to any music you want or have silence that won't be broken by "...where's my? When's my" "How's my?"

[eilen]

10. Congratulations!

Keep practicing the "mind my own business" and letting go activities. Soon you won't be tempted to even check-- no more curiosity, just a "thank god it's not my problem" if someone tells you about it.

Now erase that message and change your phone number.

Don't take any calls after a certain time at night unless your kid is out (if you use a cellphone, you can tell if it's your kid). Drunks love to dial people up late at night for their crises. They pour everything out and then act like pricks when you see them next. Not worth the time, energy and loss of sleep. The less drama in your life the more balanced you will feel.

Good luck with the new guy! Take things slow.