Kids and divorce

[mrgorth]

I'm looking at the strong possibility of a divorce. I have 2 boys. One is 6, one 3. I'm terribly frightened of what a divorce will do to them. My wife says it's just as bad to see their parents not loving each other. Note: I love my wife but she doesn't want it. We're both good parents but I'm sure that when she realizes how much custody I want the gloves will come off. If divorce is inevitable is it better to do it while their younger or older? Anyone have any success stories at dealing with this? Thanks.

[SCDem]

1. I don't have a success story

But I am in the process right now. And my son is young, younger than your two. It would be nice if things could be done amicably but it takes two to do that. I've been told it can be especially difficult on boys between ages 4-6yo but if the home atmosphere isn't that great to begin with not too sure which is worse.

I wish you all the luck at that at some time it (meaning divorce and custody and visitation) can work out for everyone involved.

[mrgorth]

2. I just created a Survivors of Divorce group

see you in there. Good luck.

[Zing Zing Zingbah]

3. My parents divorce wasn't so bad.

I was 15 at the time and my brother was 10. We were able to deal with it ok because we were a lot older, plus we both knew it was bound to happen. My brother and I were both able to keep living where we had always lived and continue going to the same schools. That was the most important thing for us. With older kids you can ask for their input on who they want to live with and things like that.

I don't know about the waiting thing. It's probably better to get it over with. It's definitely is best when the parents can agree to always do what is most suitable for the kids. I've notice a lot of adults get kind of selfish when it comes to the divorce stuff. The younger the child is, the more helpless they will feel about the divorce situation. I think it is important that you and your wife try to not argue in front of your kids, and be respectful to each other too.

My husband's parents got divorced when he and his brother were about the same ages (I think 4 and 6). I don't think the divorce affected them as much as the way their parents behaved both before and after the divorce. His parents are weird anyhow. His mom is a crazy, depressed alcoholic and his dad is a pathological liar.

[soleft]

4. It would be great if you could get your wife to go to family counseling

Even if it's not to reconcile the relationship - it's tremendously valuable to go during the whole separation and divorce process.

It's good if the therapist involved is actually the kid's therapists, actually it probably won't be beneficial or helpful for your younger child to be involved at this point, but it will probably be good for the older child.

Our separation process was an incredibly lengthy one and I wish we had done the family therapy thing, with the emphasis on our son right from the beginning. But at the critical juncture we started and it's been really great for keeping mine and my ex's relationship on friendly amicable terms and for constantly being aware of what our son's needs were.

Continuity and feelings of security are key for the kids - and a therapist will be useful in helping your wife be able to recognize what your needs are with regard to custody, etc.

Good luck!

[WestHoustonDem]

5. My daughter was 3 when I split from her dad

She's 15 now and very well adjusted over the divorce. We never made her feel that she had to choose one of us to be more loyal to than the other. But then again, I have custody and things could have been very different if he'd fought me on that. I've always been super flexible about letting him see her pretty much whenever he wants to, and sometimes forcing him to see her when he didn't want to (but that's another story).

I never pretended to her that the marriage was a happy one (because I felt that she wouldn't be able to understand why it ended) but I made sure she didn't hear the real dirt.

I don't know if that helps, but if both parents truly don't try to use the kid(s) as a weapon, it can turn out ok.

[John Q. Citizen]

6. Definitely get some counseling, even just you if your wife doesn't

want to participate. But both of you with the same counselor together is better. I don't know if you have a Families First where you are at, but they were extremely helpful in my situation. They also offer services on a sliding scale if that is applicable.

I hate to tell you the awful truth, but the divorce will have a negative impact on your children.

If divorce happens, the key is for you and your wife to implement some shared parenting through and after divorce strategies to minimize the negative impacts.

If you do divorce, if you both can live close to each other that is tremendously helpful for your kids and for you and your kids mom as well.

Get some counseling ASAP. Call today and set up an appointment. It will help you and your kids.

My personal opinion, (and this is backed up by a lot of data) is that
your wife is wrong about "it's just as bad to see their parents not loving each other." This is about your wife thinking if she is out of the relationship she will meet someone she loves and everything will be better. She doesn't understand that her next relationship will likely be more or less like her current relationship. I say this with a <}Some Major Exception{/b} If there is physical or mental violence in your home, if there is heavy drug/alcohol use or [u>serious mental illness, then your children may well be better off by divorce. In the absence of these factors, the fact your wife thinks she doesn't love you is her problem and she might want to suck it up and do what's best for the kids. But don't count on it happening, even if a counselor pulls out study after study that shows the effects of divorce on kids. Unless, of course, her motivation for leaving you is she thinks she's doing her kids a favor.


Good luck, bro, and take care of yourself and those kids.

[mzmolly]

7. Hugz to you Mrgorth.

I do hope you and your wife were able to patch things up.

I wish I had advice, but I have nothing but thoughts/prayers for you and yours.


Take care,
:hug:

[LeftyMom]

8. As a child of divorced parents

I hope I can give you a little useful advice here, although my parents divorce is only a success story because we all survived it somehow.

No matter what it's going to suck for a while. If you get therapy together and try to work things out everybody will have to adjust to new ways of cummunicating with each other. If you break up the kids will have to adjust to new living arangements and you'll have to deal with custody issues. What I'm saying is- no matter what happens this is hard on kids. Try to insulate them from what's going on as much as you can, and answer thier questions honestly but with a minimum of detail. (For example, if you're breaking up because you fight all the time, tell them that, but not that you fight over money or how to raise the kids. You can tell them that when they're older and not as attatched to the situation.) Try not to make your wife look bad even if she deserves it a bit.

I don't know if it's easier when the kids are older, having seen my friend's parents divorces (who knew Mom and Dad were such trendsetters?) and dealt with my mother's divorce from my stepfather in my teens, I'd say it might be a bit easier, because the kids can understand a bit more. It's still brutal, but older kids tend not to think that thier behavior was somehow at fault. Is that worth trying to stick it out several years longer? I can't really tell you that, I suppose it depends on the severity of your situation.

If you think there's going to be a custody battle, talk to a lawyer now. Even if your potential ex is the sweetest woman in the world, all it takes is a lawyer with a devious mind in her corner to make your life a living hell. I've seen too many break-ups devolve into the Salem witch trial, and too many divorce lawyers encourage the "better custody through bullshit allegations" method of getting what you want with no concern for the children. Your best bet is to be the first one with a lawyer so you don't get blindsided. (Negotiating your own custody agreement isn't a bad idea, but you should both have your own lawyer.)