Ok. Last night was the worst!!

[rbnyc]

My son will be 7 months old tomorrow. My husband will be 7 months old sometime within the next decade if I'm lucky.

Really, my husband is doing great. He works for his mom during tax season, and for the last week or so they've had the baby in the office with them every day. April 15th is coming up. They're under a lot of stress. My husband worked Saturday and Sunday in his mom's office so that he could work without the baby since I was home. So He's worked about 9 days in a row without a break. So he's a little cranky.

My son is wonderful too, but only wants me and is generally only consolable by me.

At night, if he's dry and not hungry and there's not anything else wrong, we've decided to let him cry himself to sleep. But last night, he just wouldn't stop crying. (Screaming.) My husband starts swearing. So I've got 2 babies stressing me out. After about 3 hours I ask my husband if he thinks we should try the crying-himself-to-sleep thing AFTER tax season is over, so that my husband and I both don't have to get up for work the next morning. My husband says "You're the mom. Just make a decision. You decide what's best for your family. Don't fucking ask me."

Nice, eh? Then my husband says maybe our 7-month-old baby will stop crying if he spanks him! I tried to stay calm and tell him that I think that would just add to the baby's (and everyone's) night-time anxiety and that I don't agree with spanking the baby for being a baby and that all babies go through this, it will just take a few rough nights, but maybe we should put those rough nights off until after tax season so my husband doesn't end up causing me to divorce him.

So I went to the baby, who stopped crying the second I picked him up. And we went to sleep together on the couch--leaving the big baby on the bed to get 4 hours in a row of decent sleep which he should understand is a gigantic luxury, the whiner.

Eventually, however, I have to get ready for work, so hubby has to deal with our screaming son. I rush to get my act together and get out the door. I go to kiss them both goodbye. For some fucked-up reason I sat that I'M sorry. And my sweet husband says, "Just get out. He'll never stop screaming as long as he thinks you might pick him up. Just get out of here."

What a darling way to say goodbye.

Oh. He also told me that he was exhausted.

Something has to change.

[CornField]

1. It is sometimes so fucking hard, isn't it?

At some point today, find a quiet spot for 10-15 minutes and just sit and listen to yourself breathe in and out. Don't think... don't stress... just breathe.

Remind yourself that *nothing* is forever -- this too shall pass.

Three more days until the April 15 deadline. That should help with your family's stress level. Just chin up until that time. (If you have any available personal days, maybe you could take one.)

What hubby did was inexcusable. Believe it or not, he already knows this and already regrets his actions. (Yes, really.) He's got to be feeling totally insecure these days. Not only is he Mr. Mom, but he is Mr. Mom to a child who doesn't want anything to do with him at the moment.

Maybe bring home take-out tonight so that no one has to worry about cooking and cleaning? Maybe toss a blanket onto the floor in front of the television and the three of you veg out for a couple of hours together?

:hug: Just hang in there.

[rbnyc]

2. Thanks so much!

Your post really helped me calm down.

Then my husband called and said he was sorry and that I did a great job taking care of them both last night.

This is my busy time of year too. I work for a breast cancer non-profit and our biggest annual fundraising event is May 9th. But I am taking off May 10-18.

I can't wait!

Thanks again, so much.

[wildeyed]

3. Something that no one really tells you when you are pregnant.

That having a baby really changes your marriage.

My husband and I had a rough time adapting after our first baby. A new baby is wonderful, but it is a huge change.

We did a little bit of marriage counseling. Then the baby got a little older and a little easier and we adapted. Our marriage always felt solid, but we were not happy campers for a few months there.

Sounds like everyone is completely exhausted. Things will get better in a few weeks. I think your idea to wait on the sleep training until tax season is over is an excellent idea. :hug:

[rbnyc]

4. Thanks.

The down side is that I'm up with him all night every night. But I'll live.

He goes to Water Babies today, so maybe he'll be so tired, he'll sleep through!

:loveya:

[wildeyed]

6. I will think sleepy baby thoughts for you tonight.

:boring:

[SW FL Dem]

5. You have my sympathies.

I remember those days. I was lucky to be able to stay home until my son was almost 6 months old, so I took the night shift. Once I went back to work (full time as a lawyer with a big law firm) it was really tough on our marriage because hubby was used to me being the one always getting up. I remember sticking the kid in his car seat and driving aimlessly around the neighbor at all hours of the night to get him back to sleep and then dragging my butt out of bed and trying to put in a 10 hour day.
Everyone was exhausted and we took our frustrations out on each other.

It sounds like your situation is very similar. Your hubby is under pressure because it's tax season. I think your idea of postponing the let him cry himself to sleep off until next week is a good one. As tough as it is right now, just know that this will pass. Your son will start sleeping through the night soon, they all do it eventually. Once tax season is over, ask hubby's mom to babysit for an evening (she owes you!) and go our for a nice quiet dinner with your hubby. I am sure he understands how much you do and regrets his words.

[rbnyc]

7. We've talked several times on the phone today.

He's sorry about the way he acted. He is very tired and frustrated. It's been a strain bringing the baby to work every day, and he feels he can't say no to his mom during tax season because the money is great for us and she really looks forward to working with him each year.

We decided to have Garrison spend a night with G & G during my May vacation and the 2 of us spend at least one night in a hotel.

My baby just misses me, poor little guy. I miss him too. I wish I could bring him to work with me.

:loveya:

Thanks so much for listening and for your post.

[Lars39]

8. Just a thought...

have you ever tried just standing by his crib with your hand on his back when he's crying?
It was a "transition stage" for us between picking the baby up and letting him cry.
At first I had to keep my hand there quite a while,
but pretty soon all it would take would be my touch and he'd go back to sleep on his own.

Those sleepless nights are horrible. :hug: :hangover:

[rbnyc]

12. Yes. It has worked on other nights..and maybe it will work again.

This night was just a lost cause.

Of course last night, he totally amazed me. he woke around 1:30. i changed his diaper and put him right back in his crib and he went right to sleep. Thank God!

[abelenkpe]

22. This worked for my little guy too

when Connor wakes up at nite either my hubby or I go in and check up on him. Usually all he needs is his pacifier or a reassuring pat on the back. I will lay my hand on him and whisper "It's OK, I'm here." And 99% of the time he will fall back asleep. The times when he is inconsolable and needs to be picked up or held have always been the result of something wrong. As in a fever or ear infection, or seriously upset stomach. A couple of times he just wanted an extra bottle because he was going through a little growth spurt. Sometimes we couldn't tell what was wrong and would wonder if we should let him cry since the problem was not immediately apparent, but every time we did he threw up later in the nite or ended up having a fever. Which made me feel awful! So I never doubt my little guy anymore. If he is crying inconsolably he is trying to tell me something important. Have you taken Garrison to a doctor recently? Is there something new in your routine that could be the source of his irritation? Is he getting enough sleep during the day? Teething can be difficult I hear for some.

Now maybe I'm a softie, but I have no intention of letting my baby cry. I remember crying alone in my bed as a child and all it made me feel was vulnerable and lost. I think that the few moments it takes to give my baby a reassuring pat on the back helps him to feel secure knowing that when needed I can be there for him. Maybe I've been lucky being blessed with a child who has slept through the nite regularly from around four months. I know that each family is different and that whatever happens you will find what works best for you. So hang in there!

[rbnyc]

23. It's so hard to know what to do.

I appreciate your perspective so much. I was feeling like I'd screwed up for always going to him.

I think he is going through another growth spurt. He was just to see the doctor and he's fine.

He's in my lap right now so it's hard to type. I just wanted to say thanks.

I'll be back.

[FormerDittoHead]

9. Probably Teething.

My twins are 7 1/2 months and that's the problem with them.

It's like sunburn, you don't feel it during the day when there are distractions, but in the quiet of the night, it's the only thing you can feel.

Did you try (baby) ambisol(sp) or (baby) Tylenol(sp)?

[rbnyc]

13. He has been scrathing his face a lot.

He does seem irritated. I think he's having a growth spurt too. I just think he's uncomfortable in general, and misses me. Poor baby.

[Ravenseye]

10. Is the not sleeping through the night new?

Father of a 6 month old here. I work from home so while my wife takes care of her most of the time, I can get my hands on her for a half hour here or there for my wife to decompress, or take a shower, or whatever. No judgements on your husband though. Being a father, especially a new father, and during a busy and stressfull work time, is very hard. It's different from the mother stress, but it's valid nonetheless. The fact that he apologized, to me says that you guys will be fine.

Question about the sleeping though. Has your son never gotten good sleep through the night? Will he only sleep when rocked or cradled, then you put him down? Is this a recent development with possibly teething etc? Have you tried Ferber?

You'd be amazed at how a relationship can improve with a baby sleeping through the night.

[rbnyc]

14. This is new.

He has slept through the night several times.

He did much better last night. What's Ferber?

My husband really is wonderful, but when he's at the end of his rope, he can be mean. I get sad when I'm at the end of my rope--he gets angry.

Thanks.

[Ravenseye]

18. Solve Your Child's Sleep Problems

http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/0671620991/qid=1113490910/sr=8-1/ref=pd_csp_1/002-5872032-9400853?v=glance&s=books&n=507846

Richard Ferber. There are people out there who love this book, and people who hate it. The people who love it are people who had problem sleepers and this book solved the problem. The people who hate it seem to be parents of kids with no real sleep problem, and it screwed them up.

On the whole with any parenting book you have to take things in moderation, decide what YOU want to do and follow through with it.

Basically it comes down to this, though we modified it to make it a bit slower progression, which is waht i'm going to put down.

You do NOT feed the child to sleep, and do NOT let the child fall asleep in your arms. Set up a routine. Feed them downstairs, then carry them upstairs and sit them on your bed (for instance). Read one short childrens story to them, let them interact with the book if they are up to it. Then take them into their room, change them prior to this point...do that after you feed them. If you need to change them again...it happens. Put them in their sleep clothes (pj's, sleepsack, etc) and then rock them a little bit. Sing to them. Lights out the whole time here. Low light in the bedroom, lights out in the nursery. When they calm a bit put them in the crib. Don't put them in the crib when theyr'e crying, but when you put them down, they'll most likely cry.

Now Ferber says you wait 5 minutes, then go back in to sooth them, then you leave, wait 10 minutes, leave, wait 15 minutes, and then every 15 minutes.

We started with 1 minute, 2 minutes, 3 minutes, and worked our way up in a progression.

Basically you go in, you put a pacifier in their mouth if you use them, you make soothing sounds, but you don't make eye contact and you don't pick them up. Just let them know that you're there and that they're ok.

I'd recomend trying it for naps at first.

The first couple days it just won't work. the child will probably cry through the naps, and late into the night before they exhaust themselves. Keep going in. 5,10,15,15,15,15.

After a couple days though and usually within a week they'll adjust and sleep fine on their own from then on. Routine is important, as is sticking to the system. it's HARD to hear them cry, and you can't break down and pick them up. They need to learn it's ok to be in their crib and that it's ok to fall asleep without you holding them.

some people cosleep with their kids till they're 7 or older even. More power to them. Personally I want my kids in their own beds asap. I don't need to protect them from lions and my daughter is a VIOLENT sleeper. Thrashing her legs during the night. Thump thump thump.

I recomend reading the book. If the child won't start picking up the system within a week I'd discontinue it and talk to a doctor.

we used it and our daughter now sleeps on a near perfect schedule. 6 months old and last night she slept from 8pm till 7am, then went down again till 9am. She's down for a nap now, and it's already been 45 minutes.

Her sleeping regularly has helped my wife's sanity to no end.

[rbnyc]

19. I just read this to my husband.

We are so bad! He used to fall asleep while nursing and then I'd put him down. So that evolved into feeding him to sleep and letting him fall asleep in our arms. We're in so much trouble.

Thanks for your post!

[Ravenseye]

20. You're not in trouble yet

He's only 7 months old? You're fine. Start the Ferberizing and within a week I'm willing to bet you're gonna PM me thanking me for saving your lives. :)

But seriously you're not too late. It's gonna be HARD HARD HARD for a few days. your baby will cry. Hard. HARD crying. It's going to make you cry. You're going to feel so much emotional pain. But just stick with it for a few days and you'll notice a difference. Do it now or you'll have a 7 YEAR old who refuses to sleep unless you're with him.

[fortyfeetunder]

24. Why is emotional pain necessary (via Ferberizing)?

(donning the Nomex flamefest suit)

I have to ask the question. Transition for babies is not the easiest process. However, I don't see quick fixes (such as Ferberizing) to solve transitions such as sleep as a panacea for sleep problems.

Babies do what they do for a short time. Before you know it they will want to sleep in their own bed and go to sleep on their own, without having to cry and comfort themselves on their own. They learn comfort from you the parent. Why force them to learn comfort on their own when cognitively they aren't ready?

[rbnyc]

25. I understand, and part of me agrees, however...

...when my baby won't sleep unless I'm sitting up and holding him, I just can't go on night after night without sleep and work a full-time job. So something has to change.

However, since I posted, he's doing much better. He's only been up once or twice each night and goes back to his crib within 20 minutes.

Thank God!

[Ravenseye]

26. I don't know that it is necessary

I just know that for our own sanity it was necessary. Our daughter wasn't taking naps AT ALL During the day. She'd sleep decently at night, though would often need to be held till she was asleep, and then sleep till early morning giving us a nice solid 4-5 hours of sleep ourselves. Then she'd stay up all day. You could tell she was tired, but refused to sleep. She'd sometimes nap on us during the day but would catch herself. If we put her in her crib she'd freak.

So we did the ferber thing. She NEEDED to learn that it was ok to sleep during the day. Also my wife needed to get more sleep. It wasn't healthy for either of them.

If you're happy with how your child sleeps then I see no need to scar them unnecessarily. I sort of mentioned that. It's for solving children with sleep PROBLEMS. If you and your child have no problem with how you're living and sleeping there is no need.

Plus I don't know how much emotional pain there is for the child. For the parent, definately, for the child it's usually just learnign that they are safe in their crib. That it's a safe place for them to be, the same as your arms.

Why is it necessary? If you ask that you probably don't need to do it. I've known some parents though that you just LOOK at them and know they need help.

[MediumBrownDog]

11. We ended up postponing the 'letting him cry it out' transition...

for my 8 month old son until spring break a couple of weeks ago, when I was off for a week and could be totally sleepless if need be. We'd go in and check on him when he cried, but then slowly spaced out the intervals where we went in until he learned how to comfort himself. But there were a few times where I had to firmly tell him that it was time to go to sleep, after having been in there to reassure him a few times, and then just let him cry it out. He's fine now, sleeping through the night except for the random upset (bonks his head on the crib rail, etc) that needs attention.

And -- I know this sounds awful -- I had to turn off the baby monitor. Even at night. I was flying in there at every burble and whine and snort. If he's wailing, which is when he needs to be comforted, I'll hear him easily enough in our 1 story house.

I feel for you -- that week was ROUGH and we couldn't have done it with work stress on top of that. And my being off was essential, since my husband has to be at work at 8:00 a.m.

[rbnyc]

15. You got it.

Yup. It's too hard to do this now. We're just going to let him sleep with us if he needs to, until Cliff's not working anymore.

Thanks for sharing your story. It helps.

[SoCalDem]

16. Does he sleep in his car seat or playpen?

My non-sleeper took a series of 45 minute naps at night until he was in kindergarten (sorry to tell you THAT)..anyway, sometimes when he would be hollering, I would actually haul the playpen downstairs into the middle of the kitchen, turn the light on, turn the tv on and the dishwasher, and put him in it..I would go down and check on him in a while, and he was ZONKED...

My last 2 were 12 months apart, and the "new" baby slept through at 6 weeks, and I was getting up with Michael for FIVE YEARS !!!

He was also a wanderer at night. We had to put a gate across his door at night, or we woukd find him in the am ..in front of the dishwasher..at the foot of our bed, in the bathtub...in the dog's bed..in front of the front door.. Once he acually went outside..(and was in a semi-sleep state..that's when we put a slide-lock at the top of the doot, and a bar in the slider track..

[rbnyc]

17. Wow!

We sometimes put Garrison is his stroller and push it around the apartment until he falls asleep. He usually has no problem falling asleep while I'm holding him. But the second he hits the crib--Wah!!

When we do get him to sleep in his crib, he does move around a lot.

Gotta start work now. I'll be back at lunch.

[phylny]

21. I know it's not cold out anymore (well, it's a LITTLE cold at night here)

but what I did was put a heating pad on low in the crib before I put the baby down (and especially did this when they were infants and I had to nurse them at night.) Then, when it was time to put the baby in, I removed the heating pad, put it out of reach, and checked the temp of the sheet before putting the baby down on it. Babies would snuggle in and fall fast asleep.

Again, please ALWAYS check the temp of the sheet if you do this - you don't want to burn the baby!