Divorce Risk Higher When Illness Strikes Wife.

[elleng]

When Seattle oncologist Dr. Marc Chamberlain was treating his brain cancer patients, he noticed an alarming pattern. His male patients were typically receiving much needed support from their wives. But a number of his female patients were going it alone, ending up separated or divorced after receiving a brain tumor diagnosis.

Dr. Chamberlain, chief of the neuro-oncology division at the Fred Hutchinson Cancer Research Center in Seattle, had heard similar stories from his colleagues. To find out if these observations were based in fact, he embarked on a study with Dr. Michael J. Glantz of the University of Utah Huntsman Cancer Institute and colleagues from three other institutions who began to collect data on 515 patients diagnosed with brain tumors or multiple sclerosis from 2001 through 2006.

The results were shocking. Women in the study who were diagnosed with a serious illness were six times more likely to become separated or divorced than men with similar health problems, according to the report published in the journal Cancer.

Overall, about 12 percent of the patients in the study ended up separated or divorced, a rate that was similar to that found in the general United States population during that time period. (U.S. lifetime divorce rates are higher.) But the pattern changed when the researchers looked at the patient-divorce breakdown by sex. When the man became ill, only 3 percent experienced the end of a marriage. But among women patients, about 21 percent ended up separated or divorced.

http://well.blogs.nytimes.com/

xp at Divorce/Separation group

[LynneSin]

1. What's good enough for Newt Gingrich is good enough for everyone else

:grr:

[supernova]

2. There's a certain kind of man

who finds it scary to have to care for his wife in a nonsexual way.

We don't raise them that way in this culture, we raise them to expect A LOT of attention from women. So they don't know what to do to when the wife really needs help and attention.

[elleng]

3. Thats certainly part of it.

Will be thinking about the various elements, like they don't know what to do when the wife is not able to continue providing all the services he's become used to (like grocery shopping, and carpooling!)

[Warpy]

25. Not only that, but their whole focus seems to be to fix things

and when a wife has a chronic illness, he has no way to fix her.

So he gives up and leaves.

[elleng]

27. Just remembering heard this some time ago:

'Males see things, females see the relations between things.'

That's not quite it, but I learned something about such differences some time ago. Like Mars/Venus?

[enough]

4. For a couple of years I was visiting an Alzheimer's caregiver forum a lot, and was struck

by the fact that the VAST majority of caregivers are women. It doesn't matter whether the sick person is a man or a woman (father or mother, husband or wife) the caregivers are very rarely male. The men who do take on that role are treated as saints by all the female caregivers.

In most cases, if a woman gets Alzheimer's she is taken care of by her daughter or daughter-in-law, not by her husband or son. And if a man get's the disease, the wife, daughter or daughter-in-law is usually the caregiver.

Seems to be a fact of life, most men do not step up to this kind of responsibility.

Of course I have to say here that there are many devoted sons, husbands and nephews who do take on this work, but they are a very small fraction of caregivers.

[gkhouston]

5. I've wondered if this will be any different in a generation or two. Will our society

ever stop "expecting" women to be caregivers? Years ago, when my best friend had advanced cancer, her husband just shut down. He'd drop her off at chemo appointments but couldn't/wouldn't go in with her. He couldn't bring himself to write the checks to pay the bills. He couldn't even change the flipping litter box. A part of me knew he was in pain but I wanted to throttle him.

[elleng]

8. Tho my mother didn't have alz but dementia and unrelated physical ailments,

Dad spent as much time with her as possible and daily saw to it that she was properly cared for. (Tomorrow is his 96th Birthday!)

[gkhouston]

10. Happy bday to Dad!

:thumbsup:

[enough]

23. It wouldn't surprise me if his willingness to be nurturing during her hard times

is connected to his longevity. Instead of shutting down, he is open to life in good and bad times, and that has been part of his own good health. Just a theory.

All the best to him on his birthday, and many more to come.

[elleng]

26. Thanks for your thoughts about my great Dad!

He is indeed open to life, and emotional about it (but not so outwardly.) And nurturing. You've given me some things to think about!

[spooky3]

11. I think about what our society would think if their roles were reversed.

If she wouldn't change the litter box and he were forced to do it while struggling with advanced cancer.

Maybe we shouldn't judge either situation, but I believe people would be far more critical of her in that situation than of him in his situation.

Another bastion of sexism that must fall.

[gkhouston]

16. She didn't do it, either. She was immunocompromised because of the chemo.

I took care of it, and her. And you're absolutely right; she would have been mercilessly judged.

[spooky3]

32. good on you for doing that

[bettyellen]

6. i saw this too, it's pretty disturbing

[barbtries]

9. when my mother was disabled by a stroke

i was the caregiver even though i had two brothers in the area (father already dead). seems it's just how it is for many families. a daughter is a daughter for all of her life/ but a son's a son until he takes a wife

[spooky3]

12. I do have to say as others have here, this is not true in every case.

I have a neighbor who is fully responsible for his mother's care. Fortunately he was able to retire early and is financially secure, and his mother is able to live with him. But interestingly, he is single. I wonder if that plays a part.

My brother lives in the same town as my parents (I live 600 miles away) and though they don't yet require a lot of care, he is the one doing most of it. His wife also helps.

[barbtries]

15. i know there are many men who

carry the load. my sil's sister had MS for over 20 years and her husband stayed by her side through it all.

[gkhouston]

17. When my mom had a stroke, my brother and one of my sisters both

helped her as she recovered. I think that experience changed him. And her stroke was minor -- she went back to driving within a few months.

[barbtries]

19. my mother was never to drive or work again

and was dead of lung cancer within 5 months.

[gkhouston]

20. I'm sorry to hear that. Something like that happened to my grandfather.

He'd promised his wife that when he retired, he'd build her a house on land she'd inherited. He done everything except pour a concrete patio and seal the basement floor when he had a stroke. While he was in the hospital, they discovered he had cancer. There was a brief time where he recovered from the stroke enough to walk but then he was bedridden again with the cancer and he was dead within six months. His sister finished the house, but my grandmother was never truly happy there. After a few years, she moved away and left it to relatives.

[mopinko]

7. warriors must resist contemplating their own mortality.

death defying is their middle name.

my DH has been resisting treatment for his sleep apnea for 5 years. even though he is clearly suffering other problems as a result. even though i now have a cpap which he is terrified of. i practically had to drag him to the doctor at gunpoint, even though he was having migraines, nosebleeds, and some real personality problems.

men just can't hack looking death in the eye that way. slow death. painful death. it's in the genes. no offense intended to those who do not fit this stereotype.

[supernova]

14. In praise of my brother

My brother is 10 years older than I am and has been married for nearly 30 years. I forget. :P

Anyway, for most of that time my SiL has had all kinds of emotional problems that have kept her from really caring for anyone. All kinds of therapy, the occasional hospitalization, the shrieking tantrums.

Day in and day out, it's my brother who on top of a teaching job, cared for their two sons, kept house, and even did carpentry for their home (custom-built cabinetry). He fixed their lunches, got them to school on time, picked them up, got everybody to appointments and afterschool activities.

They sons are now in college, one will graduate in the spring. They are very loving and sweet young men. And my brother has A LOT to do with that.

*Sigh* He makes me weary just looking him. I've always hoped at some point he would get a break, I've tried over the years to give him one. Giving presents that support hobbies, offering to help run errands. It's never enough.

Through it all, I've never heard him express anger, remorse, resentment.

Amazing.

[mopinko]

18. obviously there are tender hearted ones out there.

but i wonder what the study would have found if they had looked beyond just divorce stats. :scared:

[bettyellen]

28. when needed or asked most men do rise to the occasion- but attitudes like yours prevent this from

becoming more common. way to romanticise avoidance and selfish behaviour.

[mopinko]

29. way to put your head in the sand.

did you read the op?

i'm not romanticizing anything. i think that we evolved to fill certain rolls. i think that being a warrior is a set of genetic traits, and some people, mostly men, are born to that role. there is built in adjustments to that, so that individuals will fit into their tribes, whether they are peaceful or violent. but warriors they are and dealing with the issue of being willing to die, when death is so obviously a possible consequence, and not letting that get in your way, is something that requires a certain mindset.
i mean, come on. dealing with our imminent death is something that is a central conundrum for us sentient beings. even those of us that never do anything more death defying than eating red meat.
i don't find warriors romantic. i find them to have been a useful component of the human evolutionary struggle, but hopefully soon extinct. pretending they don't exist is just useless.

[bettyellen]

31. LOL, you're the romantic fatalist with the limiting attitudes , and they are BS. Many people never

find out what they are made of because they are told -one way or another a silly narative like your own. For many it can give them the excuse to dump these things on their Moms and sisters. Easier because people are willing to manufacture excuses for them. Most of theses fells by the way- were not willing to die for anything or anyone= that sounds like Camille Paglia's load of tripe.
Like it or not, this genetic destiny BS- which i have seen disproven more than a few times... does no one any favors. No difference than the BS roles family often mistakenly tries to assigns from childhood.

[mopinko]

33. so, you don't think there is any such thing as human nature?

believe in the tabula rasa do you?

[spooky3]

13. thanks for posting this; I am glad they did a full study than just rely on anecdotes.

But the findings are very sad.

[intheflow]

21. Yep. I was ditched when I developed severe depression

while working on Katrina relief and recovery issues. I know there are a lot a nice guys out there, but reading this, combined with my own experience, makes me feel like men really are selfish jerks.

[Cybergata]

22. I'm not surprised.

When I was in a near fatal car accident years ago, my first husband checked out on me in every way possible. Thank goodness I had a father who wasn't a selfish bastard like my husband. My father took care of me. My husband was physically and emotionally abusive.

[nickinSTL]

24. my mom has a number of problems

so far, she's doing somewhat ok, but couldn't really be on her own due to a combination of mitochondrial myopathy, severe osteoporosis and severe scoliosis. My dad has been with her through everything so far, and I don't see any indication that that's going to change.

Later this month will be their 40th anniversary.

[Lydia Leftcoast]

30. I once attended a memorial service for a woman who had died of breast cancer

At the service, the deceased woman's brother profusely thanked his brother-in-law for taking such good care of his sister. He noted that in his sister's breast cancer support group, so many of the women had been abandoned by the husbands or male lovers.

I also know of a case in which a couple broke up after their second child was born with health problems. The husband said he couldn't deal with it. So he left his wife alone to "deal with it."

I think there are a lot of irresponsible little boys walking around in man costumes.