A question I had asked to me and wasn't sure what a good answer is

[dsc]

One of my coworkers thinks a student of hers is gay and wants to know if she should ask him in order to try to get him help with dealing with it. I was at a loss for a good answer. I lean toward no but am unsure if that is the right answer. What answer would you have given her and why?

[Mountainman]

1. She should not ask but let the student know in a general way that there are student advisers.

[dsc]

3. I really felt asking would be a problem

but I am older so am not sure if I am out of touch.

[Tangerine LaBamba]

2. It's none of her business

That's an incredibly intrusive and offensive thing to consider doing to a kid. Leave the kid alone. If s/he trusts her, s/he will come to her. If not, it's none of her business.

[Vincardog]

4. Second that

[dsc]

5. I thought it was out of line but I also thought I might be too old school so to speak

glad to see I was not as dinosaurish as I thought.

[Tangerine LaBamba]

18. Respecting people never gets old-fashioned

Dinosaurish, indeed.

Your heart's telling you what your head is trying to comprehend. You wouldn't have posted it here if you weren't concerned about it. And well you should be.

Good for you.

[dsc]

19. thanks

[TomInTib]

6. Well, she could start by asking him out.

Then, if he declined, she could ask, "Why, are you gay or something?".


Just kidding, dsc, but it sure seemed funny when I thought of it.

[dsc]

8. truth be known I was really kind of wierded out

but I thought maybe I was just plain out of touch.

[TomInTib]

15. I think she should stay out of it.

Who knows where that kid's head is, right now?

Maybe he might recognize her intuitive concern for him and address it head-on, himself.

[dsc]

17. I think it is hard for straights to fully understand what we go through

when we are that age. Even now, it can be hard for a kid to go through that.

[slingsam]

7. and that is a problem because?

I'm heterosexual.........so let's get that out of the way........

Pray tell me what help that gay student is likely to need? You make it sound like its leprosy or something........Why don't you tell your friend to stay out of that gay student's bedroom......and focus on providing an education.........?

[dsc]

9. she thinks he is having problems

and lets be honest it can be tough if parents are pissy about it etc. In fairness I do think her heart is in the right place but I was a bit wondering about her.

[Creideiki]

10. Gay identification is really difficult for students.

I had a girl burst into tears because she was afraid that if she told me she was a lesbian I would hate her. So I'd say probably not a direct approach.

However, if you're looking for a co-sponsor for the GSA at your school, ask her if she's interested in that spot. Another possibility would be for her to put up a poster for the GSA in her room that identifies student and teacher contacts. That would let the student be able to approach someone that he or she is comfortable with.

[dsc]

12. the posters could be an idea

[xchrom]

11. we live in a time when we think everything is

everyone's business -- and that's not necessarilly true or even healthy.

what she can do is try to be someone that the young person trusts -- and in whatever fashion she can make it clear that lgbtiq folk are normal.

[dsc]

13. no kidding

I would have sooner traveled to Tibet than ask my teachers some of the questions my students have asked me. Worst is subbing in other rooms. Sweet Jesus they get nosy. I guess that comes with the territory nowadays.

[LisaM]

14. I agree with whomever asked if there is a poster you could put up

I wouldn't put it up in your classroom, but somewhere where she'll be sure to see it - something letting people know that there are advisors. Make it anonymous. I was just thinking about that principle that outed some gay kids against their wishes.

[dsc]

16. I know

thankfully we don't have that going on here.

[canis_lupus]

20. I'd like to know why she thinks he's having problems

Does she think he's being abused in some way by his parents? If he's come out to them but they have rejected him he could definitely be facing problems and may feel like there's no where to turn.

Does his family attend a fundamentalist church that condemns LGBTs? If so, he's at a much higher risk for suicide, substance abuse and other potential problems.

Is he acting out sexually or getting involved with men he meets on the internet? It's extremely difficult to have any meaningful sort of contacts if he's closeted ... and that puts him at high risk for HIV/AIDS and other STDs.

I can imagine lots of scenarios that would indicate the young man is "having problems." The way I'd recommend dealing with them is to make sure he knows the teacher is accepting and let him make the move to sharing what's going on with him. But I wouldn't recommended adopting a "mind your own business" attitude in this case any more than I would recommend it for dealing with a student you might suspect of being abused.

[dsc]

21. I don't think it is an abusive thing

from what she says but it is hard to tell for sure.

[mitchtv]

22. You might help her pick out

some good books to reccommend but other than that, go no farther than offering counsel or a shoulder . The kid will pick up an honest desire to help , and either pick up on it or discard it

[Jamastiene]

23. I would say no, because it might traumatize the kid.

I know the LAST thing I would have wanted when I was younger was to have some authority figure approach me. I needed time to figure things out on my own.

What she COULD do is to get some teaching materials from the Southern Poverty Law Center and have a class discussion about prejudice and bigotry, in general, and be sure to include homophobia, but not directed at any one person in particular. That way the kid might stand a chance to feel empowered instead of cornered.

Of course, I am only basing this opinion on how I felt when I was younger. I would have loved it if someone had approached the subject in a way that left me free to work things out privately, but to know there were doors open to me, if I wanted to ask questions or seek some support in dealing with the homophobic elements of our society.

That's just my take on that question.

[swimmernsecretsea]

24. It sounds as if

Your co-worker is detecting some difficulty and wants to do something to help him with it. Let's frame this as a generality, as it seems the specific issue is how she should handle a potentially sensitive problem that could, if not handled carefully, create further problems down the line. I've had many teachers of my acquaintance and others I've know of deal with a variety of issues that are similar.

Let's start with the basics:

1. When she detects a student is having a personal issue, how does she normally handle it?

2. What kind of symptoms did she find that brought it to her attention? Was it a sudden change in behavior? Does he appear withdrawn? Is it more a problem with how he is dealing with schoolwork?

3. Is she under the impression that he is either a danger to himself or others?

4. Does she feel he is being abused at home because he might be homosexual/bi/transgendered?

The student might/might not be LGBT. Either way, if it is not a situation like this, then I strongly suggest she leave it alone. Often, a child might be abused at home because his parents think he is gay. This would make it more of an emergency. I can tell you from experience that I was like this when I was in school. I was beaten at home because my father thought I was gay. I had no one I could tell, for fear that other things might happen, such as my family being split apart, or getting abused at school even more. At this point, your co-worker wouldn't be out of line to intervene, because it involves shielding a person from harm.

If she simply wants to befriend her student and lend support if he needs it:

1. She should not ask him. It is none of her business. Really.

2. If she really wants to help him, then I suggest she make herself available to talk. Initiate conversations, but not about gay issues--just conversation. Be what a friend is; there when you need her. She might not ever hear him come out to her, or she might get a letter years later. But what a friend is and does is to let you be yourself and not make assumptions or force you to reveal things to them.

3. Let her consider what kind of help she'd be offering, and have the resources at hand so she is prepared. She should simply lend support and provides guidance to other resources, such as counseling, PFLAG, support groups, youth organizations, etc. If she wants to try to do double-duty and try to provide counseling herself, I think that is a bad idea. It is better for another party to provide that kind of support.

4. Ask herself what she would be getting out of being a friend to a student. Sometimes, being the best authority figure is simply just to be an authority figure. A person in a position of responsibility has certain duties and obligations, and sometimes that supercedes being a friend. She can be as friendly as possible, but in the end, she is still an instructor, not a friend. That is being a good role model. I've had many many teachers I loved, and all of them were friends to me. When I needed to talk to them, I could. I saw a few of them outside of class, in social settings. Most of them I got to know better after I had left school. But I knew that they were someone who guided me in schoolwork, and it would have been inappropriate to have a close relationship with them.

You haven't indicated, or else I've missed, the age of the student. Circumstances change with the age of the person; the same advice might be different if it were someone who is older. Many others here have suggested leaving things be, and I believe I've said this also. I've suggested times when this might be less appropriate; for the most part, letting them have their privacy is best.