I confronted a homophobic co-worker for the first time ever yesterday.

[Zhade]

What a pleasant way to start my workday...

Background: the person I confronted is not a raging homophobe like Fred Phelps. He's more of the quietly homophobic type, like a racist who only uses the N-word in "certain" company. For years now, he's assumed that I was that company, and hence the gay jokes and his disgust for GLBT people are well-known to me. Before the election, he confided in me that he "doesn't believe in gay marriage", and finds it repulsive.

Well, after years of this crap, I snapped yesterday. Here's how it went down:

He tells me a co-worker (who is a lesbian) is "hot". He then goes on to tell me about a party where she was drunk and he had his hand on the small of her back, and how she was "all about it". His next words are what did it for me.

"Now, I don't believe in bisexuals, they're just greedy, but--"

"You don't believe they exist?"

"No, they're just greedy, they want it all."

"Well, you're wrong. I know bisexuals, that's not how it is."

"Yes it is. They're just greedy and stupid and want it all. You're either smoking the pole or you're not." (Yes, he actually said that.)

"Well, you're wrong. It's not like that at all."

"Yes, it is. They're just greedy."

"Oh yeah, motherfucker? Well, you're wrong. You know how I know? Because I'M bisexual, you asshole. I'm tired of your shit, I'm tired of your homophobia, and I'm tired of you creating a hostile work environment."

He was a bit taken aback, and I could see his discomfort about my revelation. "Dude, I didn't need to know that."

"Well, I don't need your constant gay jokes and homophobia. I've asked you for YEARS not to talk like that to me, that I'm uncomfortable with it, but NO, you had to keep on doing it anyway, and I'm fucking sick of it."

Well, he made an excuse to leave, and walked off, clearly eager to be anywhere but in that room with me. I know I reacted unprofessionally, and wish I'd been smarter, but DAMN, I was serious about what I said. I AM tired of it.

So today I have to talk to my supervisor (who happens to be the woman he called "hot") and try to ensure this doesn't get out of hand, while waiting to see if the guy is going to spread my personal information all over the department (I'm only out to a few people).

Sigh. I so didn't want to deal with this, but I guess I had to. But I feel lousy.

Anyway, thanks for letting me rant.

(EDIT: BTW, if anyone wonders, I'm a guy.)

[dave123williams]

1. Good for you....people can only hurt you when you let them.

[BrklynLiberal]

2. Congrats on finally letting that asshole have it!

Do make sure to CYA with your supervisor!!!

[Downtown Hound]

3. Good for you!

You have every right to do what you did. Be proud of yourself that you finally told him off.

[stepnw1f]

4. I Say, "Right On"!

You did what you needed to do, and letting him see how much discomfort you had, is what is needed more. Every time people don't stand up to this shit, these people get a free pass and think it's OK to do.

I wouldn't tell my supervisor what he said about her, but you do need to let her know how this guy makes you feel.

:thumbsup:

[noamnety]

5. You did a good thing there

Probably a little stronger language than you needed to use, but you did well to toss in the "hostile work environment." That's a good solid warning to him.

Hopefully he'll think twice next time he's tempted to share his homophobia with his buddies.

[roguevalley]

6. Good for you, honey. There are a LOT of bisexual people out there

who take off their hats to you.

[KyndCulture]

7. Right on!! You did great.

I'm bisexual too and these people make me so angry. I've heard that greedy thing so many times it's not even funny. Being a female bisexual it usually goes downhill from there when they find out, I get the hey "don't you think she's hot" from the guys or the obvious dumbfuck comment, "can I watch"

Thanks for serving this guy a big plate of hot FUCK YOU BIGOT stew for all of us!

[Duncan Grant]

8. It got easier for me with practice.

I'm sorry you feel lousy. That's such a stressful experience! I always felt vulnerable when I 'came out' to hostile co-workers.

If ranting helps, please rant away! :hug: :thumbsup: :hi:

[Technowitch]

9. That was beautifully done, Zhade - and I'm Bi, too

And I can't begin to tell you how often I've been exposed to homophobia -- as well as the slurs and insults. As if in being Bi, I'm somehow an indecisive slut... and it's always the men who want me to arrange a threesome with another woman.

Last time that happened at a party, with a guy who was obviously 'in his cups' as they used to say, I replied, "Sure, I'm Bi. But I also have standards -- and you'll never meet them. In the meantime, why don't you tell my wife what you asked me -- I'll be happy to drive you to the hospital afterwards."

Kudos, Zhade. Good idea, too, bringing that up with your supervisor. That guy's behavior really could and should be a human resources issue.

[Warpy]

10. Good start, now follow through.

Start keeping a paper trail, a notebook that you keep in your pocket, where you list all the shit that comes out of this guy's mouth and a list of who else was present to hear it.

Stick to your point, that you just don't want to hear about this stuff, that if he wants to talk like that, he can find another raving phobe, that for you it creates a hostile work environment.

Let the supervisor know that, while you respect his right to his own opinions, you have the right not to be subjected to harangues, and that you will leave the vicinity of one if possible.

Just keep that paper trail going. It could be the difference between being fired and having to take it and suing to get your job back.

[Hissyspit]

13. And you should not act defensively; Act like HE'S done something wrong

Be professional, but keep on the offensive.

[Skittles]

11. I think you did good

this guy wasn't taking the hint so you laid it out for him. I've done it too, to coworkers talking trash about gay people. I'm straight but I don't want to hear that shit and I let them know upfront; someone has to.

[Mrs. Venation]

24. You So Totally Rock, Skittles!

There should be many more people like you in the world!


:yourock:

[Zhade]

27. Agreed, GLBT-Straight alliances are crucial.

WTG, Skittles!

[readmoreoften]

12. good for you! n/t

[mitchtv]

14. what a man!

thank you for all the gay people who couldn't speak up :loveya: :loveya: :loveya:

[Zhade]

15. Update: talked to the supervisor.

I'm going to make a record with HR (company's HR rep is a good egg) and will see how it goes from there.

Warpy, in post #10, suggested exactly what I happened to do before coming back to this thread - I let my supervisor know that the guy is entitled to his opinion and feelings, but that I will not tolerate such discussion around me any more. I also kept his words about her in reserve, as an ace up my sleeve if it's needed later. I'm hoping he just got the message and will leave it be, but I am prepared to calmly and professionally handle this situation now.

I really, really want to thank you all for the kind words. This is one of the scariest things I've had to do in a while (next will be coming out to my 24-year-vet Dad!), and reading your replies helped me work up the nerve to get this process started. I am very grateful to you all for the love and support!

:loveya:

[dsc]

16. You deserve it

luckily I work with mostly married, older people so I don't have the problem you did. It is also a school so that helps too. You might well have taught that guy a major life lesson. Let's hope.

[mitchtv]

17. make sure to copy or somehow save your

original post it is an excellent narrative of the incident. As a former union steward,I tell you, a dated document is all.Documentation!

[Ian David]

18. Good job! You're braver than I. So far, I'm 1-2 on that front

Once, when I was temping there, I had a homophobic co-worker.

He wasn't running around saying bad things about gay people, but when I was telling a story about the first "gay date" my friend had, he expressed a dislike for gay people.

He didn't use any "colorful language," and neither did I, but I also didn't let it go.

On the other hand, at my last job, I waited until I'd already left the company to deal with my supervisor and the boss. I did, however, have a friendly conversation with the boss's son (who was really cool) but had been indoctrinated by his father.

[KyndCulture]

19. Terriffic news! You're lucky about the HR rep! congrats

Your sex life or anyone's doesn't belong in the work place. When I had this problem a few years back, I snapped one day too. A married guy asked me if I had sex with my girlfried the night before, when we were in the break room and I said... "Did you bang YOUR wife last night, can I call her and get all the details?" he shut up and walked away.

Ok not the best plan of attack, but sometimes the sarcasm monster posesses me beyond my control! lol

[Mrs. Venation]

25. The Most Courageous Thing We Can Do

IMHO, is live our lives openly and without shame. I'm proud of you for giving Mr. Bigot what-for!

:loveya: Right back atcha!

[Terran]

20. Just joining the thread

Zhade, I think you totally did the right thing. For one thing, it sounds like your co-worker has been guilty of sexual harrassment for a long time, and that includes the creation of a hostile working environment. You had every right to tell him off, *especially* if you had warned him previously about talking to you like before.

I wish I had your guts. I'm 100% out, have been for a long time, but I'm not confrontational with it when when I need to be.

My very best regards to you,
Dirk

[Boomer]

21. Yeah, that's me, too

>> I'm 100% out, have been for a long time, but I'm not confrontational with it when when I need to be. <<

I worked in a printing plant in Virginia -- very conservative area -- and was out to anyone who was paying attention. So I just assumed everyone in my immediate work group knew I was gay, until one morning when one of the women made a scathing comment about how much she hated working on the manuscript for some gay title we were handling. She was obviously oblivious that I was gay, because the comment was delivered conversationally and with the expectation of agreement.

I was so surprised by her homophobia that I didn't even say anthing, just walked away and sat at my desk stunned. Learned my lesson that day, though -- never let your guard down around co-workers, never assume they have a clue, until they've proved otherwise. A similar comment from one of the in-your-face fundies who worked there wouldn't have bothered me half as much, besides they were quicker to pick up on my gayness than anyone else.

Fortunately, my current office position at tech firm provides a much more pleasant working environment. The corporation ascribes to a very strong diversity policy and even provides partner benefits. Again, I'm out to anyone who notices, but it still surprises me how many people don't see it. (sigh)

[Zhade]

23. I'm not even 100% out in Southern California!

I'd say YOU are the brave one!

[Terran]

29. Bravery or foolishness?

Well, thanks Brian. I'm not sure what it is. When I came out, I lived in Berkeley, CA, and spent the next 14 years or so in Berkeley, Oakland and San Francisco. So it wasn't hard to be out in those places. But moving to rural Missouri was worrisome, at first, in that regard. My partner and I stand out here in a town of 35,000--two middle-aged men always together in public, and interracial to boot. And yet we've never had a problem with anyone. Everyone we know here knows we're a couple, and a lot of people we don't really know also know--like supermarket checkers, people we deal with repeatedly in public.

I think what people here believe is, as long as you 'get along' with people, you get treated with respect and esteem, like anyone else. We don't hide the fact that we're a couple, but we don't confront people with it either. I think part of it is that we suprise a lot of people; when it finally dawns on them that we're gay, they can't help but notice that we don't fit the stereotypes they have of gay men. We're just two rather quiet guys who happen to like living in a small town, and don't mind entering into some of its traditions and rituals.

I guess where you live can have much to do with how comfortable you are with being out. But I'm from SoCal originally (Pasadena area), and I'm fairly sure I'd feel okay with being out there too. Orange County? hmmm, who knows?

[Boomer]

31. I've had a similar experience myself

After years of living in New York City, my partner and I moved to a small town in Northern Virginia. Like you, we didn't hide the fact that we were a couple, nor did we announce it. We just went about our lives, shopping and eating out and attending functions.

We know that there were occasional whispers behind our back and dirty looks in our direction, but no literal stones thrown, no insults directly to our faces, and a surprising number of people who didn't even blink.

If anything, we fit in much better than other straight residents who weren't local. Unlike the urban commuters who had migrated out into this rural area and who rarely mixed with the community, my partner and I went out of way to support local bake sales and community activities, to take an active part in the working class life around us. We didn't expect to be embraced or even liked; we were content to simply be allowed to coexist, and that lack of expectation meant we were pleasantly surprised to be accepted as part of the town within just a few years. Not a bad record for outsiders, much less gay outsiders.

[Zhade]

Brian? Wrong post, perhaps?

At any rate, I only accepted my nature a few years ago, so I have a lot of catching up to do! :)

[Brian_Expat]

22. You put him on notice. . .

. . . which is good. Now the challenge will be not blowing up again, but being firm and civil in future dealings.

Keep track of things he says to you or other coworkers. In many cases, you're not only protected by state or local law, but corporate policy as well -- even in Red states. If he creates a hostile climate for you, it's important that you keep your cool, make him look like the bad guy, and DOCUMENT everything he does so you can turn over evidence to the HR department or your boss (if it comes to that).

[Zhade]

26. Final update: I relieved the guy the next day (Sunday).

I went into work for overtime, wearing my Sinner shirt, and just happened to relieve the guy I confronted.

Well, I have to say, he must have gotten the message. He treated me with deference and did not even mention what happened. He didn't flinch when I had to lean in closer to read what he was pointing out on the computer, and he was quite respectful.

In a way, that doesn't surprise me. I've always said the guy reminds me of Detective Sipowicz from "NYPD Blue". He may not like us "faggots", but he's learning to be tolerant, especially when he's reminded he has to be.

I'm still going to make a record with HR, and watch the situation, but I'm hopeful he at least understands now that I won't put up with his bigotry. He has every right to feel and think as he does, no matter how reprehensible I find it, but not to subject me to abuse.

Anyway, this is the last update (barring anything crazy happening soon), and I once again want to say to all of you:

:yourock: :yourock: :yourock: :yourock: :yourock: :yourock: :yourock: :yourock: :yourock: :yourock: :yourock:

[donheld]

28. Good for you

I think you will find life easier if you put these fools in their place.

[sundog]

30. pretty damn good...

but expect him to avoid you at all costs now ;)

[DU GrovelBot]

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