So, what's it like to be transgendered?

[Dark]

I'm not trying to be rude or disrespectful. I am simply curious.

And I don't mean how others treat you. I'm gay, and very familiar with that aspect. What I am curious about is the cognitive aspects.

Did you acknowledge it early on? I am asking because for the first seventeen years of my life I always told myself that I was 'just going through a phase'. I'm just wondering if your experiences were any different.

Also, is it . . .how is it? To be a woman on the inside if you have male parts outside? Or vice versa?

Is it something you know? Or something you feel?

Please, describe it any way you feel comfortable doing, and thanks.

[UncleSepp]

1. It's like being in drag naked

And then being in drag again with every stick of clothes you put on, every touch to your hair, the way you sit, the way you show yourself to the world. It's like being in drag you can't take off, ever.

I don't think I've ever firmly stood and said "hell yeah, I'm trans" and maybe I'm not. I'd kind of settled on bigendered as soon as I heard of a word for it, but that's pretty much bullshit. I'm not attached to being a woman in the slightest. I'm just married to a straight man, a man I love with all my heart. If I could wave the magic fairy wand, end up as a man and still stay with my loving husband, I would. Exchanging my husband for a tiny little penis and a fourteen year old's beard just doesn't seem like a good enough bargain.

I don't remember knowing. I remember figuring out that I wasn't ever going to "grow one". I remember realizing there weren't boys with girl parts in the same way some kids remember realizing there isn't an easter bunny. It was never gonna happen. No magic. I was going to end up a woman. If you want the real honest full on story, I did a meditation once to try to remember my earliest conscious thought. What came to mind was looking down over a skinny little baby body from underneath some cotton eye pads and thinking "What the hell is this?" Rationally I want that to be a projection, a way of my mind to say "it has always been such". I like rationality.

I like rationality so much that I still browse the web looking for explanations. Is there some hormonal thing, some genetic thing, that might tell me why it is that I hate having tits and actually enjoy the fact that I need to shave my chin? The last of my fairy tale fantasy self still wants to hear a gynecologist say one day "Hey, you know what? You've got testicles in there, undescended. You're really male. It's okay, it makes sense now." I know it can't be true, that it's all in my brain or maybe in my spirit. But I wish there were some physical thing I could see that would explain how I ended up in this rubber girl suit.

If I were a lesbian only that would make things simpler. But guess what? It gets worse. Don't call now, just wait, there's more. Yes, I like women. I've had as many girlfriends as boyfriends. I like the feel, I like the taste, it's all good. But you know what? I like men, too. A lot. So what, a lot of people are bi, right? Well, I don't relate to men as a woman, whether they're friends or whether they're lovers. I relate as a man, and I resent the shit out of it when a man I respect approaches me in any other way. My husband gets to be the exception. I'll be feminine for him and have a ball - it's KINKY. My man likes me in a dress and makeup. Hey, I'm game.

It's like a matryoshka doll of gender and sexuality - the bi man in the rubber girl suit sleeping with a straight man. Mostly. We've roleplayed male-male before - not the "ooh, tonight you be the nurse and I'll be the doctor" kind but entire character-based roleplaying that went on for several years - and oh my God it was incredibly, amazingly fulfilling. It was like being whole for the first time. Like finally being naked, like finally feeling air on my skin. He got bored or weirded out or something, I don't know what, but it's over and I'm back full-time in the god-damned titty suit. Oh well. Better to have loved and lost, eh?

In short - It's claustrophobic, it's hot, it's painful, depressing, and just plain awful most of the time. Some of the times, though, it's hilarious in a way that I don't know I could ever explain. If you want to know more, message me. It's good to talk about it.

[nickinSTL]

2. Exchanging ...for a tiny little penis and a fourteen year old's beard...

just a point about the beard...

it starts out thin, but if you've got the genetics for it, will fill in nicely.

Lots of transmen have thick full beards.

As to the 'tiny little penis', well, yes, can't argue with that...unless you're willing to go for the expensive, traumatic surgery...

[UncleSepp]

3. I hadn't thought about that

Hell, I have to shave my chin every couple of days anyway. It's gone way beyond tweezers all on its own. I'm pretty sure there's a sasquatch up the family tree somewhere, we're all like that.
Besides, it's more fun to use a razor. I guess that's another one of those odd gender things.

I've never seen surgery resulting in a penis that didn't look like it would rather have been a thumb, for any price. I guess the technology must be improving!

All of it's a dead issue for me anyway :-/ I love my husband and don't want to ruin our marriage. I guess I just don't have the um, guts, for it.

[nickinSTL]

4. Just so you know...

There are 2 types of surgery...

As far as basic appearance, the results vary widely, and are dependent both on the surgeon and the specific individual

One type is, as you've said, small. It's a result of using what's already there, grown on testosterone.

The other surgery is (and no, it's not a new surgery) generally at least 2x as expensive, and is primarily a matter of skin grafts. It generally leaves one arm severely scarred (the donor site) The size is much more within normal range, however, and is really only limited by the length of the arm.

[Dark]

11. Wow. It sounds so difficult. But I am glad that you have found someone

you love. I hope to find that someday. So, it feels a lot like being in the closet was for me. I felt very similar, but yea, I got some laughs from it to, as did some friends.

Thanks for sharing. I appreciate it.

[Dark]

12. And I'm glad you feel better after talking about it. It does help.

[sans qualia]

5. It's like being in a cartoon

Like you're completely divorced from the world you're supposed to be living in. For me, it got to the point where my life was one long dissociative episode, in which I was an outside observer watching "him" go through the motions of everyday existence. I used to lay awake at night wondering what possible sin I could have committed to deserve this. I still do, even now that I'm full time.

Transitioning doesn't help with everything. The past is always hovering over you. The fear of discovery, the nagging doubt that anything you ever do will make you real, the dreadful certainty that because of this one cruel joke of nature, you'll be alone forever. The fact that I pass perfectly and I have many extremely supporting friends doesn't alleviate any of that. In a way, it's spoiled me; now, whenever I'm referred to as "he" by a family member, the accompanying sense of despair is so jarring that it sometimes registers as physical pain.

I don't imagine that surgery will solve all these problems, either. Yes, medical science can give me a vagina that's indistinguishable from the real thing, but it can't change history. It won't make me genetically female, and it won't give me a functioning reproductive system, and because of these irreparable flaws, there will always be people who absolutely refuse to acknowledge the reality of who I am, as though menstruation were the sole determinant of womanhood.

But it's all worth it. Even if I end up with a comic book caricature of a female body, even if I'm forever known as "that crazy tranny bitch with the hair," even if no one will ever want to get near me when they can have a "real" woman instead, it will still have been worth it. I can't even imagine going back to the way I was. Ever. I would rather die.

Anyway... it took me a while to acknowledge it too. Seventeen years, coincidentally enough. I had all these bizarre theories I tried to use to explain it away. I thought, for a while, that all boys wanted to be girls, and that all girls wanted to be boys. Later, I decided that when someone says that they are attracted to one sex or the other, what they mean is that they want to be said sex, so straight boys wanted to be girls, straight girls wated to be boys, and gay people were the happiest people alive, since they already were what they wanted to be. It was kinda funny, actually, thinking that for all their macho posturing, my football-playing alpha-male classmates would rather be wearing dresses to the senior prom... um, yeah, that theory didn't last long.

Um, that's all, I guess. Feel free to ask whatever else you want.

[undergroundpanther]

6. It's torment

of being uncomfortable in your own skin 24-7.
It's feeling not at home,ever.Not feeling safe,your body hates you because it is in conflict with itself(on a hormonal/cellular, chemical,emotional and spiritual level.). The angst at Not being allowed to just be yourself as you are because other people are scared or awkward or threatened..Awkward attempts at playing fake gender/biology driven social roles that are painful to please other peoples stupid expectations simply to avoid bigoted hatefulness and insecurity and fear.Sick of other peoples insistence on obeying stupid cultural conditioning.The stupid hurtful interpersonal mind games and sexual hangups and those ever present control issues people have about your gender,how you express it and identity,And it's silly that they assume it is "normal"to be a binary one or the other gender and so they think it's so damn important from birth to impose a gender on every person who exists.Woe to the person who feels imprisoned by popular lies called social gender"rules". It's a ache in the heart,a loneliness,a desire to be free of other people's issues,and not be hated for it..

I am a female to male/androgyny,feline being..

[UncleSepp]

7. That loneliness

You put your paw on it there, Panther. Even when you are with other people, they aren't with you - they're with what they think you are, and there are always these layers of illusion in the middle. That exists between all people and all other people at some level, but with this... it's a whole new dimension of illusion.

[Dark]

13. Interesting theories. I had some crazy ones too.

And I would never call you 'that crazy tranny bitch with the hair.'

So, I gather that hiding your identity was a lot like me hiding my sexuality. I spent every day terrified, calculating every move, word, gesture and glance. I felt like a chain ball was welded to my heart, and every day, another was attached.

And I can also sympathize with being unable to go back to the way I was. Thanks for telling me. I know it must have been difficult to share some of those memories.

[Stealther]

8. Stealther here...

Don't bother welcoming me, because I'm a long-time DUer.

The fact I've created a new login, 'Stealther,' ought to suggest something about the kind of life I've chosen to lead.

In the early 1990s when, coincidentally, I was in my early 30s, I came to two revelations. One wasn't really news at all--that for as long as I could remember, I'd wanted to be female. Not just 'want' either, because hell, you can -want- a nice glass of chardonnay or a pizza (or both). I'm talking the kind of hopeless, sick longing that turns you inside out.

Imagine the worst crush you ever had on someone, and multiply that feeling by a hundred.

Now then, imagine also being smart enough to know that this whole 'sex reassignment' thing is simply crazy. Or that every story you've ever heard about some transgendered person was either played for laughs or ended up tragically. And that just about every supposed transgendered person you ever saw looked... well, fake. Or especially for the male-to-female types, like a guy in bad drag.

A sensible person concludes that in a perfect existence, there'd be a way to express yourself in the gender you feel you ought to have been born in. But not in this lifetime.

So the whole thing becomes a desire you have -- but really wish you didn't. And if you were me, you just tried to go on with your life, doing the things you thought you should do, and trying to convince yourself to want the things you thought you should want. You marry. You have a career. And most of all, you never EVER tell anyone about these desires and dreams that haunt your existence. Not even your wife.

That first revelation I mentioned? One night, after weeks of reading the stories online about a number of people who'd wrestled with exactly the same issues I'd had all my life -- but never mentioned to a single soul, I realized I was transgendered.

And the second was that transition to being female wasn't as impossible as I'd thought. For whatever reason, I decided to see what I'd look like, if I actually dared to drop the male facade. Seems stupid, it took seeing myself in the mirror -- wearing makeup and all the rest -- to realize I didn't look like an idiot or a crossdresser. And more importantly, that I wanted to look that way all the time. That this was the face I wanted to present to the world--because it felt like my real one. It was the male me that felt fake.

It took some years longer to go through the whole transition process, but the more time I spent on the path, the more right it became for me. Heck, my own brother told me he wasn't at all surprised. Friends and colleagues were supportive. I was very lucky for the most part, with a few exceptions.

I lost my wife, and except for that brother, the rest of my direct family. None of them could deal with the 'new' me... and I was sorry for that, but I felt I had no choice but to go through with this. Maybe one day we'll build those bridges again, but for now, they don't want to have anything to do with me, and I'll respect that.

So, I went through the process: Hormones, the required psychotherapy to make sure I wasn't a loony, the required year of full-time living in my target gender -- I did it all, by the book.

Of course, I did have one huge advantage: Right from the very start, I passed for female perfectly. That's no boast or exaggeration either. (Neither is it an exaggeration that after a short time, I began to have to deal with rather ardent attentions of heterosexual males... and as a surprisingly attractive 30+ woman, didn't really have the social tools to deal with sudden popularity. But that's another story...)

I had the reassignment surgery in '96, by one of the leading experts in the field, Dr. Menard of Quebec. Within six months, my rearranged parts were working just fine--up to and including full sexual relations. I've had gynecologists marvel at the quality and anatomical accuracy of the work. For the purient among you, yes, this means I can and do have orgasms. Furthermore, with a skilled lover, I often have multiples--which is something that never happened in my previous life.

I use that term quite deliberately, too: "Previous life." Because after a time, I really began to tire of the explanations. Of people meeting me, and literally seeing their opinions change when they learned of my past. Or of those men who actually pursued me -because- of it. I found it distasteful.

See, one of the most important details about being transgendered -- from my angle of it, as a post-transsexual -- is that we don't want to be TS or TG at all. We just want to be that other thing, which biology denied us. Nothing more.

And so, like many, I did as many do. I dropped my contacts in the TS/TG support communities. Stopped having much to do with those folks at all. Soon, I also invented a whole fake past, to explain some of the anomalies in my history.

In my life, there's only one with whom I have regular contact who knows -- and she's my lesbian partner, who accepts me as who I am, despite my origins (I'm actually Bi, and don't really give a damn about the gender of my lover; love is love). My doctor knows. And a trio of friends. Nobody else.

Those of us from that TS/TG community call it "going stealth." In other words, given some of us pass well enough never to be figured out, we literally disappear into society. We become that nice, bearded fellow with the young-looking features down the street. Or the tall, statuesque woman with a taste for good chai.

Or, in my case, the petite long-haired gal with a fondness for nice clothes, and who isn't afraid of power tools. (The guys at the hardware stores love me.)

To answer your question more precisely, Dark, it's all of those things.

Did I acknowledge it early on? Yes, I did. I remember this desire as early as the age of six. I also, early on, concluded it was an impossible desire, and so I tried very, very hard to shelve it forever.

How is it? Mostly it was this overwhelming desire to have been born female, and a sick despair that it not only wasn't so, but that I couldn't do anything about it. (Popular culture and its stereotypically ugly and unflattering portrayals of TS/TG people did NOT help in the least. Seems people like me either are sad, sick misfits... or we die tragically. Murder, AIDS, suicide... they never tell stories about those of us who are well-adjusted, healthy, and living happy lives.)

Despite believing these (mistaken) notions, too, I still couldn't set aside the wanting, either. The believing that somehow there'd been a mistake somewhere--that either I should've gotten a female body, or else be freed of this seemingly irrational desire.

I'll be honest: Those revelations also came at a time when I began to wonder if I shouldn't just check out. Hope for a better turn on the reincarnation cycle--with a note to that higher self, 'Don't pick male next time, you idiot!'

I felt it and knew it, both.

Picking transition was literally a life-or-death decision for me. Going stealth, a year or so later, finished the process.

And now, sometimes days or weeks go by, often longer, where I forget I even had that other life, or was called by another name.

Hope this helps.

best,
Stealther

[Stealther]

9. Oh, and to add one more comment...

I agree with Sans Qualia -- no matter how well I pass, no matter how perfect the surgery, I'm not so foolish or deluded to think of myself as a 'genetic female'. About all there I can point to is the fact my body never responded to testosterone all that much, that my physionomy took to estrogen/progesterone like a fish to water, and there were some odd XX/XY anomalies when I did have some tests done.

It doesn't matter though. There are still many who would call me 'he', despite my appearance, despite my name. (Including a few in my own family.) Some who would say merely that I mutilated myself. Some who've told me, flat out, that I've messed with God's plan for me.

It doesn't matter. I'd still make the same choice, and wish only that I'd had the courage -- and the information -- to do it sooner.

I regret not having 20s and teens, as a woman. I hate it every time I have to tell a lie about my personal history. I wish I didn't have to hide.

But it's the only way I can avoid being seen as a freak. And to be as close to 'female' as I'll ever get in this lifetime.

It's actually pretty nice when I forget there ever was another 'me'...

-Stealther

[UncleSepp]

10. Reincarnation and gender

Stealther, do you think there is a relationship between gender in a previous life and feelings of one's gender in the current? If so, how do you think it works?

I am still trying to sort that one out, too. Sometimes I think it might play into it. My menswear tends to be vintage (1920s-1940s), and I prefer a seriously outdated hairstyle also. (When I was little, my mother and I went around and around about that hairstyle. She wanted braids. I wanted my hair slicked back straight from my forehead, kind of like the Munster kid.) Now, I like boots and bomber jackets and all sorts of other non-girly things, and I've worn a high and tight, odd precision clipper cuts, you name it. What gives me the feeling of rightness rather than simply butchness, though, tends to be rather period.

That could, of course, be simple aesthetics. Jeans, boots, and a tee shirt are unisex clothing nowadays, whereas earlier fashions were more strongly gender typed. There are many explanations, I am sure, and probably there are several which can all be true at the same time. I'm glad though that you brought up the spiritual angle. Thanks!

[Stealther]

14. Difficult to say, because my view of the afterlife...

...tends to defy conventional categorization.

For one, I've concluded that consciousness is such an amazing and unique thing, it would surprise me greatly if the end of one's bodily existence also resulted in the snuffing out of everything a person ever was. This is much in the same way Carl Sagan commented, in the pages of his novel "Contact", that if the Earth is all there is of the universe, that there's no other life out there, it sure does seem an awfully big waste of space.

However, I have to wonder if the 'higher realms' are as constrained by time's arrow as we humans are. What if time there has no meaning? True, we humans are ill-equipped to imagine what such an existence could be like -- but this is little different from asking a fish to imagine life above the ocean, up in all that poisonous air. Or a two-dimensional creature to imagine life in three.

Suppose all these lives take place simultaneously? Or that we don't exist as just one attempt in one place, but there are slight variants of us in a multitude of parallel universes?

Ultimately, if I was to put a name to my notion of the afterlife and the rest of it, I'd consider myself to be a "Theistic Agnostic." I believe there likely is something bigger than me out there, grander than our little individual human consciousnesses -- but I'm not going to create some God in humanity's own image, thereby limiting the scope and grandeur of the Universe's consciousness as a whole.

Lacking any particular evidence one way or the other, I've also made the decision to be patient and see what comes.

Because you see, it makes no difference whatsoever, when you think about it. If there is an afterlife, it's imperative that we live as good, moral people, striving to love one another, and to live to our highest potential. To live each day as if it was the most precious gift possible. If there isn't an afterlife... well guess what? The imperatives don't change one iota. We still should be kind to one another and live each day as if it might be our last.

I have my own personal theory, which I cannot prove or disprove to myself until I die. It's that this existence I'm in right now had its own very special purpose. That in fact whatever God, Oversoul, Higher Self or divine being(s) had a hand in my making set up precisely these conditions -- including the gender identity challenges.

I was given the gifts, too, of intelligence and strength of will and imagination. These are what helped me realize and accept the knowledge of who and what I was. Helped me to defy the conventions of our culture's rigid gender roles, stereotypes and at-birth permanent assignments.

Admittedly, being well-suited to transition, physically speaking, did make the path far easier than it is for many with my condition. I am unbelievably lucky in that respect, and I never cease to be grateful.

Still, no transition is easy, not with all the barriers in our culture. And wasn't for me either, despite my advantages. I wouldn't wish this challenge on anyone. But like every hard thing I've ever done in my life, now that it is done, I wouldn't trade the rewards for anything.

Almost everybody likes to feel unique or special in some way. Well, discovering that you're not really male and not really female, unlike the overwhelming majority of your fellow humans... that makes you pretty damned unusual to say the least. To have had the opportunity to experience the world as one gender and then another. (One interesting detail is that although I denied almost every detail of my former male persona during those first few years, I've since come to realize there was strength there, too. So I've tried to incorporate and merge the best elements of -both- genders in me -- all the while keeping the face, body, name and persona of the new one, the female self, in which I feel most comfortable.)

So I try to believe I was made this way for a reason. Or perhaps a bunch of reasons.

When I die, asking about this is close to the top among the questions I hope to pose to my 'maker' -- whoever or whatever he/she/it/they turn out to be.

On the other hand, it's possible I already know the answer...

As for your styles question vis a vis reincarnation... I truly don't know. Honestly, there's something about late 1800s Victorian fashion that has an odd resonance for me -- for reasons I cannot fathom.

However, for day-to-day wear, I go with whatever makes sense and suits my mood at the time. Often it's just plain old jeans and knit shirts. I also have a fondness for leather. And silks and lacy stuff. For formal outings, I love getting all dolled up in my best and knocking 'em dead. My hair? Long, about halfway down my back. A couple years ago, this was terribly out-of-fashion. Now it's in vogue again. I suspect that after it's passe again, I'll still keep the long hair.

(There's this one silly pharma TV commercial about some drug or other, directed towards older women. I think it's for an osteoporosis med. In one of the scenes depicting these happy, active women, there's this one 50+ gal who's dressed in a plain white shirt and jeans, with long brown hair with streaks of gray in it, leading a horse. Very classy-looking, in my opinion. I've already told my spouse, "I wanna look like her when I grow up." ;))

Anyway, great chatting with you, AuntJen. Hope you have a great day.

-Stealther

[AlienGirl]

15. Reincarnation

From what I've read and seen, past lives can certainly influence feelings about one's gender--particularly if the person perceives that they died too young or that they hadn't finished what they needed to do in that life. I also think some people tend to be male more often, some tend to be usually female, and some people have about equal numbers of female and male lives.

I also think that a person can deeply miss something that was an essential characteristic in their past life...so deeply that they just *have* to go get it back, and they won't feel comfortable until they do. It's like a lost piece of identity that has to be reclaimed.

Tucker

[Boomer]

16. A friend dropped me for those same reasons

>> And so, like many, I did as many do. I dropped my contacts in the TS/TG support communities. Stopped having much to do with those folks at all. <<

While in university some 30 years ago, I was one of the very few people who witnessed the transition of one of my female friends as he assumed a male identity, complete with hormone therapy and surgery. I suspect that one of the reasons we lost contact later was that he (and his wife) wanted to cement their new status and I was an uncomfortable reminder of the past.

If that is indeed the reason, I've never resented it. I can fully understand their desire to not just fly under the radar, but to remove the radar entirely. I do wonder, however, how he's doing -- not just as a transgendered person, but as a friend.

[Stealther]

18. It's possible, I suppose

I did leave behind a lot of my old friends, but not all of them. It wasn't a conscious decision, however. I'm positive that some of them weren't exactly 'creeped out' by my transition. On the other hand, I could sense some discomfort on their part, because they were SO used to my old male persona.

My leaving of my non-TS/TG community friends behind though had more to do with losing those things in common. I moved far away from where I lived before, and as I got on with my life, we simply had less and less to talk about via email and phone. There are two though with whom I'm still in touch. One is a guy I met during my first job out of college; the other is a woman I've known since we were both kids.

As for the TS/TG community, the "we just don't have anything in common anymore" factor was all the more evident. I mean, among the transgendered you can have people with extremely varied backgrounds, origins, and interests -- but the one thing that brings you together is the experience of being transgendered.

A couple years after my surgery, I began to realize I simply didn't have the issue to deal with much anymore. I was done. And so there just wasn't any need to go on and on about hormone replacement, surgeons, the difficulties of changing one's legal identity paperwork, and all the rest. I did stick around long enough to "Pay It Forward", in terms of helping to provide encouragement and information for those who needed such -- just as other transgendered folks helped me when I was in need.

But after a while, I tired of it. And in truth, it was actually a comment I overheard that made up my mind. It came from another transgendered woman who made a cruel sarcastic comment -- the kind that sort of sounds like a compliment but isn't said that way at all. It was basically a statement of bitterness over how "perfect" I was.

That was when I realized I didn't belong anymore.

Anyway, as for that friend of yours, why don't you drop him a line? Just ask how he's doing and if he'd care to chat, because you'd like to catch up. I know I certainly would not mind at all if an old friend looked me up in that manner. It'd actually make me feel better and more accepted.

best
-Stealther

[Boomer]

20. Good point

>> My leaving of my non-TS/TG community friends behind though had more to do with losing those things in common. <<

In retrospect, that may have been as much of an issue as the gender shift. Dan was a year older, so he and his wife had both graduated while I was finishing up my final year in college. They were a new married couple, focused on starting their careers while I was a single, gay woman still sweating out finals. Does indeed make for a disconnect of goals and interests.

I'd be delighted to get in touch again if I could find out where he is. I've Googled his name every few years in the hope of finding him somewhere, but so far no hits.

>> I mean, among the transgendered you can have people with extremely varied backgrounds, origins, and interests -- but the one thing that brings you together is the experience of being transgendered. <<

That has been my reaction to the gay community as well. Outside of political issues, I have nothing in common with the gay people that live in my area. I've met other lesbians and gay men at local Dem functions and enjoyed working alongside them for specific events, but so far there has been no basis for friendships outside that context. I feel as eccentric and out-of-step with them as I do with the general straight population. As a result, my partner and I socialize with a small group of friends who happen to all be straight.

[Jamastiene]

17. I still wonder why I grew breasts

and sometimes I honestly feel like I have a "phantom limb" penis. I know that sounds crazy, but I do feel like I should have one even though it isn't there. I've always been attracted to straight women for some reason. Also, the way I feel when men come onto me makes me wonder if there is a such thing as heterophobia, because my inner feelings are beyond repulsion. I almost want to smack them when they do that. I know that sounds really bad to some people, but it is how I feel. I've never been able to explain it either. I'm one of those people who isn't much of a fighter, but for some reason I react that way. Also, the reality of trying to live as a lesbian, when I really feel more like I should have the anatomy of a man is hard to deal with. In my area, people have a hard enough time learning what bisexual means, much less transgenered. It's hard to take sometimes. Some of my more masculine female friends have shared similar views with me on the gut reaction thing. I wish they would hurry up and perfect phalloplasty and make it less expensive and cut the red tape to get sex reassignment surgery.

[Stealther]

19. For what it's worth, I felt similarly from the other side

I mean, I'd always felt like I *should* have breasts and female genitalia -- and in my mind's eye, that was the 'correct' body for me. Which of course meant that those dangly bits just did not belong there.

Or so it felt.

You did touch on one thing, Jamastiene, that I did want to comment upon, that sense of 'revulsion' or heterophobia? Well, when I was in the old configuration, I felt mild distaste whenever I was intimate with a woman (and part of the problem there is I wanted to BE her). I was also very small and youthful in my appearance, even to my early 30s -- and there are quite a few gay men who find that quite attractive.

I am by no means homophobic. In fact, during my first marriage, two of my brothers-in-law were gay, and I loved 'em both like they were brothers of my own.

But when I'd go to a bar and a gay man would try to pick me up... yes, the feeling was one of revulsion. As in, "at least with a woman, ONE of us has the right parts... To be with a gay man would double the thing I don't want."

However, that all changed after the corrective surgery. Obviously, I was no longer of any interest to gay males, but I was just fine with the straight and bi ones -- and I did quite a bit of dating.

Regarding your specific situation, Jamastiene, I recommend you take a look at threads posted by Mermaid, here on DU. She has pointers to some really great resources for the transgendered.

Most of all though, even though things may be difficult where you are geographically, do know that you are NOT alone.

-Stealther