I have a dilemma, and I was hoping you all could help me.

[MiniMandaRuth]

I thought about posting this in GD but figured here was a much better place.

This is not about me, but my dearest male friend.

He's very sweet and sensitive, a little under 5'5 and resting at a comfortable 105 LBs. Not a very big guy, but his heart is huge. He comes from a fundie family, but has not been poisoned by them. In fact, he makes fun of his Bible thumping father behind his back.

So, what's the problem?

He's gay. And he knows it. Even at fourteen-almost-fifteen he knows it. He's told me that even though he thinks that many women are beautiful, he is attracted to men.

He had his first kiss today, with a sophomore. I'm not really worried about him getting hurt by the kisser right now. I'm more worried about his father.

I've never met him, but I've heard that he's a brute. And also very violent. He threatened my friends older brother when he wouldn't join the army and the whole thing ended up with my friend and his mom and sister hiding out at his aunts house.

I'm worried, but I've never been in anything like this. I hope that someone around here can help me. I'm worried about him more than I can say. Happy that he has finally found someone to love for now, but worried that his love will lead to violence and rejection from his father.

He's going to tell his parents when he's moved out of the house, but right now he feels it's too early. However, he does not want to break off the relationship at this point. He knows that his father will never accept him for what he is, but he has hopes for his mother and sister (His older brother is the only one who knows... and cares), and he does not want to get them involved if his father explodes.

Thanks if you can help... And if you can't, thanks for listening.

[ThomCat]

1. That is a very tough situation.

He's definitely wise to wait until he's out of the house.

But he should expect that his father will suspect. That could make things ugly and confrontational.

He may want to tell his Mom at some point, so she can start preparing to deal with Dad.

[pinto]

2. Personal safety, if that's the case, trumps honesty. Sounds like your

friend understands that. I'd say support him in his decisions. And stay cool. Just my two cents.

[bluestateguy]

3. Might be a good idea for him to start saving up for college now

In the worst case scenario that his parents disown him and refuse to pay for his education. Not too early to start saving up money from summer jobs, and looking into financial aid and scholarship programs.

[Warpy]

4. Your friend is very wise to keep his family in the dark

until he's long gone and on his own. He also needs to know he has to keep any romances completely secret, something that is nearly impossible in a high school.

The worst case scenario is his brutal father finds out and beats him to death. He'd be wise to leave if anyone even hints his father has found out. Second worst is the beating followed by a trip to one of those fundy camps that will try to "cure" him. Third worst is getting the beating and being thrown out of the house, a stop at the hospital along the way.

I went to HS with a kid like this. Everybody in that school pretty much knew, but there was no sign his parents caught a clue. When he came out some years later, he lost his family. He says it wasn't that big a loss by then.

Your friend needs to consider safety first, something very hard for a guy that young to do. His life may depend on it.

[Lerkfish]

5. It makes me sad to read this....

not that I disagree with the wise advice

. It just makes me sad that we live in a world where its possible for a father to beat his own child to death because he can't accept who the child is.

I'm a father of a 7 yr old, and I would never hit him for any reason. If we learn he is gay, he is still my son, and gay is just another flavor of human.

[Tyo]

9. I totally agree

Even good parents freak and do misguided things like Fundie Camps and quack aversion therapies and stuff and if he might be in physical danger on top of that he needs to keep his mouth shut. It's more than a 15-year-old should have to deal with. His first kiss should be total joy an not occur against a background of fear like this. Probably sooner rather than later his father is going to find out. He needs to start creating a network of trusted adults and an escape plan.

[Pied Piper]

6. I came out to my family at 29

I had postponed it as long as I could stand it. Of course, at 29 I was on my own and not dependant on their support. They were so supportive when they found out that it was almost disappointing. However, that was many years ago, and they've been playing a lot of "Don't ask, don't tell" since then. A few years ago, the night before my grandmother's funeral, all of the grandkids decided to go out for drinks. It was the first time that we had all been together without our parents or (in some cases) our kids. Turns out, my cousins are all cool with it. My cousin's wife asked me why I didn't bring my boyfriend home with me. When I told her I was single, she said, "Well, if you are ever involved, you are both welcome to both stay with us on family visits". Floored me. Turns out, everyone knows, but not everyone is happy about it - ha! At least they all have the decency to keep it to themselves - I've never heard a negative word from any of them in all of my life.

My advice to your friend - keep it quiet for now. If things seem volatile at home, he shouldn't come out to his family until college. He should also find out if he has any supportive friends, like yourself, who might be able to help him out if things get rough. My family took in a teen (close friend of the family) who found herself on the outs with her own family. She lived with us for 9-12 months, until she was able to patch things up. 20 years later, her family still denies that this happened.

It's also possible that his dad will take the right stand, and support his son, but who knows? I though my dad would kill me, and instead all he said was, "You got to play the hand you're dealt, and you have to make the best of it. We wouldn't have chosen this for you, but life always throws curve-balls."

Best wishes to you and your friend. I'm glad he has your support, 'cause he's gonna need it for awhile!

[mahatmakanejeeves]

7. Talk to PFLAG

PFLAG.org

[terrya]

13. I'll second this.

Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays is a wonderful, wonderful organization.

[dsc]

8. I was all set to offer you resources and sad to say I can't find a damn

one. I can't believe it is apparently just as bad now as when I was your friends age in this regard. Since I can't find anything gay specific let me offer this one piece of advice. Make sure your friend knows, and has on speed dial, both 911 and the local child abuse hotline. I hope and pray, and it most likely won't, come to that. But if it does, he needs to be prepared. He also needs a readily available safe house. If he is involved in relationships now he is very unlikely to be able to keep it secret for 3 years. It is better for him to prepare for it to come out than to be caught unawares. You are a great friend to try to help and I wish you great luck.

[and-justice-for-all]

10. Waiting till he moves out sounds like the best thing right now....

...I have never told my parents, I have never said it but they know I have been with my lover/husband for 14years. They have met him and have had dinners together lots of times and my parents really like my husband, he is also a Cop so that probly helps too.

...My immediate family isnt religious at all, my Grandparents and relatives on my dad's side are and a few on my moms but my parents never went to church or made us kids go. I first came out to my oldest sister, she did care in the least bit and was supportive as was my older brother. If he wants to start breaking then news to family members I suggest a sister or brother that is going to be supportive. I found that telling relatives I was an Atheist was more devatating then telling any of them i was Gay, that was obvious. They all have met my husband and like him very much, so I dont fill I do not need to shout it out.

[Occulus]

11. Gosh, I hope posting this helps him in some way

and doesn't scare him to death instead....

this is what happened to me.

He needs to keep his cards very close to his chest. That kiss alone could get back to his dad.

Tell him to have a safe place ready and waiting. Even if it means stashing some money away for a cab and a hotel room for the night or something. Anything safe will work.

I truly hope everything works out for him.

[MiniMandaRuth]

12. A couple of my close friends and I

have already started a little bit of cash up to give to him just in case.

But oh my gosh... your story makes me cry. Thank you for sharing. :hug:

[readmoreoften]

14. Talk to PFLAG. Hide it from dad until he can get out of the house safely.

This is why I hate parental notification laws (of all sorts). I hope it can hide it from him until he can leave or until he feels strong enough to confront him.