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foreigncorrespondent Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Sep-03-06 09:16 AM
Original message
For those of us not in contact with our parent/s!
Because today is fathers day in some parts of the world I thought I would post about dads in general.

Today is a day of celebrating the one man in our lives that no matter what should always be there for us. Unfortunately for some of us though, this simply isn't the case. I am one of these people.

Basically, my dad won't have anything to do with me, because I am a lesbian.

I grew up without my dad in my life. My mum and dad were in the process of getting divorced when I was born. My dad put up a fight to win custody of my sister, but believed I was not his child, so he refused to even consider the possibility of fighting for me as well. Luckily for us he lost the fight for custody of my sister, and we both grew up with my mum (and my mum is the one I wished a Happy Fathers Day to today. She is both my mum and my dad, and is the one who will give me away when I marry Sapph.)

When I was in 1st grade I came home from school heartbroken because the teacher had set us our first assignment ever. We had to write a small thing on what our dads did for a living. Well because my father wasn't around I didn't know anything. In fact it never even crossed my mind that I had a father (at that age I knew nothing about how babies were made.) This is when I learned who my father was, saw my first ever photo of him, and learned what he actually did for a living and what state in Australia he was last known to be living in.

After that day I grew up with full knowledge that my father never wanted me, because he believed I wasn't his.

Turn to my mid twenties, I got so tired of my sister always saying she was going to find our dad, but never even began, so I took what knowledge of him I had and placed a phone call. With in 15 minutes I had his contact details. So I gave them to my sister. I wasn't going to make contact for because of the fact he never wanted me.

Well eventually my sister contacted him, and he wrote back. My sister did tell him about me and gave him my contact details, and to my surprise he actually wrote to me. Well one thing lead to another and with in a couple of months we were meeting our dad, step mother, and two half brothers for the first time.

That Christmas (something I regret doing now) we spent with him and his family in Western Australia. It was this trip I learned he was a bigoted old homophobe. At the time I was in denial about myself, so I ignored it.

When I turned 30 and finally stopped being in denial. At this time I also realized what kind of reaction my dad would give me so I kept it quiet from my family and only came out to a few close friends. Well two years later I met Sapph. Of course my not being out to my family really wasn't fair on her, so I came out to my mum and sister. My dad I decided I would deal with later.

When I returned to Australia in January of 2002 I wrote to my father. I explained to him that I was a lesbian. And for him not to think I have brought shame on him, because it wasn't anything he had done to make me this way, but rather something God wanted to happen. I told him that I had met someone who is the love of my life, and he needs to accept that and be happy because she makes me the happiest I have ever been. I also told him I would like nothing more than to one day have the opportunity to introduce my partner to my dad. Well I never received an answer. Since that time I have sent a further three letters to him, but never get any response. Broken hearted I have now given up hope of ever having him in my life again.

I may not have grown up with a dad in my life, but it still hurts a hell of a lot to know he wants nothing to do with me, because of who I love more than life itself. That is unfair to me, and truly unfair to Sapph. She is the one who has to pick up the pieces of my broken heart, caused by a man she has never even met. A man who doesn't want to take the time to get to know her, and see for himself just how happy she makes me.

So share your story with us, and let us be a support for each other. Why are you not in contact with your dad now? Is it because you are gay, or something else?

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a la izquierda Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Sep-03-06 09:43 AM
Response to Original message
1. Wow, I'm sorry for you...
I am in contact with my dad, but it was not always so. My parents divorced when I was 10, because of my father's infidelity. My mother has never come out of the closet necessarily, but everyone knows she's a lesbian and nobody particularly cares. But because of my parents' relationship, my mother poisoned my mind against my father. I stopped visiting him twice a month when I was 13- I would see my dad on holidays, but that was pretty much it. I think it broke my dad's heart and I know it deeply hurt my grandmother and aunt and uncle.
I reestablished contact with my pops when he was very ill-nobody knew exactly what was wrong with him. He lost a ton of weight, his eyes wouldn't focus on anything, and he was generally just a sick, dying man. I knew that despite my mother's insistence, despite what she told me he did, despite all that, I was an 18 year old kid who was scared to death that she might spend the rest of her life without her dad even remotely in it. I started talking to my dad again, and you know what, he survived. I'm very happy with my decision. Sure, my mother guilt trips me every time I go see him, or say I talked to him, but they both live on the other side of the country. My family is a trainwreck, but I'm content with what I did. Do I disagree with my pops' treatment of my mother when they were married? I sure as hell do, and he knows it. And my mother brainwashed an innocent kid, which in many ways has deeply affected my treatment of men throughout my life (fortunately, I met my husband, so this is sort of a non-issue).

I am sorry for you-I know people like you and it does suck. But you strike me as having a good head on your shoulders. You will be a better person in the end because you tried to bridge a gap with someone who obviously doesn't deserve a relationship with you.
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foreigncorrespondent Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Sep-03-06 09:58 AM
Response to Reply #1
4. See you broach yet another...
...subject many kids from broken homes face. The custodial parent turning the child against the the non custodial parent. At that happens a lot more than we may think.

When my mum told me my dad didn't want me, I began thinking that was what she was doing, but she really wasn't. She wanted for my sister and me to have a relationship with him, it is he who has chosen to cut us out of his life a second time (he refuses contact with my sister for a different reason to me.)

I think it broke my dad's heart and I know it deeply hurt my grandmother and aunt and uncle.

And I am pretty sure it would have broken your heart as well. Maybe not in a way that was obvious, but still there.

I am glad you got back in contact with your dad though, and that through that contact he got better and lived to begin enjoying life with you.

Thanks for your kind words. When I really think about it, I can see he obviously doesn't want his first born kids in his life and is using any excuse possible to make that happen. So yeah, I am a better person for trying to not allow for that to happen. And as I always say to Sapph, in the end, he is the one missing out, I'm not.
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TAPat Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Sep-03-06 09:47 AM
Response to Original message
2. I'm sorry for your situation FC -
I was lucky enough to have a really good dad, and although he passed away many years ago, I know he would have adored my partner of 13 years and most especially his grand daughter.
He was always the kind to judge a person by their character, exclusively.

Miss him alot...

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foreigncorrespondent Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Sep-03-06 10:01 AM
Response to Reply #2
5. I bet you do, TAP...
...and for that, I am really sorry for your situation.

Sometimes it is a lot harder for those of us to grow with our parents around and to lose them to death, than for those of us to not have relationships with either/both in the first place.

I bet you do miss him a lot. Sapph had a very good dad as well. Much like yours. And there isn't a day that goes by that she doesn't think about him, or miss him a lot. And if my dad was half the man her dad was, I am sure I would be in the same boat.
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xchrom Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Sep-03-06 09:51 AM
Response to Original message
3. i am caring for my dad as he dies.
i am adopted -- and the same is true for my mom as well as my dad -- he is the most wonderful parent in the world.

in fact in moments of stress and exasperation with my parents -- i claim that i have perfect parents.

there is something about caring for him now that always reminds me of him dragging me in off the porch when i was naked and drunk -- and never saying anything about it later.

he paid for college -- at an expensive school in new york.

my dad was wonderful to my partner when he was dying - visited him in the hospital -- rubbed his feet in spite of ghastly staph infections --

he gave time every day of life to my ''baby'' sport -- walked him -- took him to the vet when i was at work.

helped me and sport when we both went through cancer treatments.

any way -- the story is long and joyous -- even at it's moments of anguish.

and because of him -- i am a fan of men in general -- their bodies, voices -- i find them mystical and fascinating.

and so while it's not fathers day here -- happy fathers day -- dad.
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foreigncorrespondent Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Sep-03-06 10:05 AM
Response to Reply #3
6. xchrom...
...your post really has brought me to tears. Thanks so much for sharing that.

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xchrom Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Sep-03-06 10:06 AM
Response to Reply #6
7. he is a good man -- thank you.
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dsc Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Sep-03-06 12:53 PM
Response to Original message
8. My dad is great
I am so sorry yours wasn't. All too often that is the case.

My dad was a great athlete. He actually got a try out for major league baseball and was invited to play in Japan. I am both untalented and uninterested in athletics. He never once pressured me to be interested in athletics. When, at age 9, I told him I wouldn't play baseball I never heard a word. He was proud of my interest in and talent in music and proud of my academic achievement. He was a great dad that way.

He stuck by me through my addiction and my recovery. He accepted my homosexuality. He will be 71 this year. I am so glad he is my father.
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foreigncorrespondent Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Sep-03-06 10:52 PM
Response to Reply #8
10. dsc...
...your story has brougbht me to tears as well. Thank you for sharing that as well.

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dsc Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Sep-03-06 10:57 PM
Response to Reply #10
12. and thanks for sharing yours
both are part of the story of our lives. While it may be hard to see this for you, for us we know who lost when your dad decided to disown you and it wasn't you. I hope some day he sees that.
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Scooter24 Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Sep-03-06 01:21 PM
Response to Original message
9. Wow...
Edited on Sun Sep-03-06 01:23 PM by Scooter24
such a sad story :(

I'm lucky to have a very loving and supportive family. Even though they both live very busy lives (they are a lawyer and pediatric surgeon), they have always provided me and my siblings with the best education and support any son or daughter could ever want.

I came out to my friends when I was a Sophomore and my family when I was a Senior in High School. It was an awkward moment, but it was my father who made it easy for me to do it. It all started when I wanted to take my boyfriend at the time out to Malibu, CA for a long weekend with some friends and asked my parents for permission. They asked who was coming and when I said my boyfriends name Christian, my dad raised an eyebrow. He knew this boy had been coming around a lot and we've spent a lot of time together so he bluntly asked "Is he your boyfriend?" I was shocked. He saw the look on my face and just laughed and said "Son, it's ok. Me and your mother suspected this a long time ago and we both still love you and are proud of you. Go have fun." Then later on that evening he told my mother and after dinner she called me into her study to give me a long lecture on safe sex, STD's, etc.

All throughout my life, they have never pressured me to do something I didn't want to do and have supported me in every endeavor.

I'm now 26 now, and still try to call them every other weekend.
:hi:


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foreigncorrespondent Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Sep-03-06 10:53 PM
Response to Reply #9
11. Scooter...
...sounds like you have fantastic parents. Thanks for sharing your story. :)
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