Part of me died today

[Not Me]

My 'partner' of five years left a tab for his email open in the lower taskbar. When I brought it up, is was full of emails from people he has been with on the side. I couldn't believe what I was reading. Shock and horror. And betrayal.

I am planning on going out of town this weekend to visit my parents and found that he was already lining up a guy to hook up with.

I confronted him with it, and he got all pissy about me reading his email!

About an hour later, I went for an hiv test...fortunately negative.

I don't know what to do next...

[Bunny]

1. Oh my gosh, I'm so sorry.

I don't know what to tell you - the betrayal must be awful. :hug:

Isn't it funny (not ha ha funny) that he got mad because you read his e-mail?

[benburch]

2. If he cannot be honest with you.

Leave, or have him leave.

Any relationship has to be based on trust first and foremost.

[GreenPartyVoter]

3. Oh honey. I am SO sorry! *hugs* I think you might want

to let this sit for the weekend.. just get some good love from your folks, then when you've both had some time to think talk about either counseling or going separate ways.

You know that you want a committed relationship. If he can't or won't commit to you, then you need to look elsewhere.

*more hugs and prayers*

[Duncan Grant]

23. Just wanted to echo GreenPartyVoter's sentiment.

I'm sorry you've had such a painful and traumatic day. Hope you both can repair the damage; separately or together.

Happy to be a resource to you via PM. :hug: :hi:

[Trajan]

4. You do what any self respecting human being should do ....

Leave .. and never look back ...

This one is poison .... such treachery cannot be forgiven ...

[Democrat 4 Ever]

9. From what you said this wasn't one indiscretion but he is a serial

cheater. Save your money on counseling, make sure your finances are in order and separate, nail down anything you don't want him to take and then kick him out.

Believe me, I learned the hard way, take care of yourself and do not, DO NOT, let him turn this around on your by making an issue of you reading his email. He is the sinner here. If he wasn't in the wrong there would have been nothing for you to find.

Your heart will heal, won't be easy. Hell, some days it will be HELL. It will take some time but nobody needs to live in a situation where mutual love, respect and trust does not reside.

[Not Me]

15. He is financially dependent on me.

If I move out (he owns the house) he would be about three months from foreclosure. He has become quite accustomed to a lifestyle beyond his means. The hell may be his.

[Democrat 4 Ever]

18. Even better. You did not bring this on him. If you like the house

maybe you can pick it up for a song in the foreclosure sale. Just a thought. When handed lemons...yadda, yadda, yadda.

Hang tough, keep your chin up and take care of yourself.

[ronnykmarshall]

25. Sounds kinda like my ex.

We shared his apartment. When we split up and divided the money, his checking account was overdrawn within a week.

After I moved out, his phone is shut off and the cable company sent him to collection. This was within three months.

I was pinching pennies myself, but still kept my head above water. Things got better for me within a year.

You're in the drivers seat it seems. Doesn't mend a broken heart, but it tickles it a bit.

[asjr]

10. I agree. This man can never be trusted again. He may

give promises but they will be empty. Cut it off now.

[Pacifist Patriot]

5. I am so sorry to hear that!

How horrifying.

[MuseRider]

6. Oh no.

I am so sorry. That is terrible and devastating news.

I just do not know what to say except that.

HE got pissy? Man, I have no words but would be happy to talk with you if you need to just talk.

The good thing is that you are negative. That is a huge relief and very lucky.

[Gyre]

7. Go to the ocean

Sit on the beach with a beer, or two, or three. Sorry

Gyre

[neuvocat]

8. That sucks.

You might not feel any better until later but its better that you found out now instead of let's say another five years from now.

[Not Me]

11. Thanks

He has a lot of good qualities, and some faults. But I had made it clear early on what my expectations were. Right now I don't think I can get past this to keep the relationship going.
I have been crying all day, it hurts SO bad.

[Trajan]

16. Look ....

I have told no one on this board .... but I too have expereinced a loss of trust, and a loss of love ...

Of my own wife of 20 years ... WHILE I was away trying to make enough money to supprt my family .... She found it easier to jump our strugging ship .... I loved my wife dearly ....

Tears are only the beginning of the pain, which reaches deep down into one's gut and literally rends your very fabric .... I have been in such pain, and have said nothing here of it ... because I felt such shame for losing her ....

But now the pain is slowly subsiding, and cold reality is setting in ...

SHE cheated on me .... I have been faithful for 20 years ..... That says alot of what I must do now ....

You must grieve your loss .... but you must NEVER settle for anything less than complete honesty and trust ...

Neither you, nor I, nor ANYONE on this board needs to settle for lies, hurt and mistrust ... IF someone is willing to commit such treachery once, they will most likely do so again ...

[I Have A Dream]

21. It seems as though you're starting to heal, Trajan.

I'm so sorry for your pain. I don't know why we feel such shame when things like this happen to us. I've felt the same way. When this happened to me, I've put up a brave front. (The tears of a clown...) I didn't want anyone to pity me. However, because I didn't really let people know how I was really feeling, I didn't get the support that I needed. (How could my friends and family know that I needed support if I didn't tell them? They thought I was fine when I felt as though I was dying inside.)

Twenty years is a long time. It happened to me after ten years, and, even though I realized that it was for the best right away, my entire being was shattered because of the betrayal. Because I didn't let anyone know of the pain I felt, it probably made it worse because I held everything inside when I was not by myself. The worst part was the betrayal because it made it impossible for me to trust for a long, long time.

However, little by little, things got better until finally I had healed. I don't know when it happened, but one day, I felt alive again and my life no longer revolved around what had happened to me.

Please don't feel shame -- you did nothing that warrants feeling that way. You were doing the best that you could with the cards that you had been dealt.

I hope that you can heal more now that you've been able to finally share with us. Most if not all of us have been in your shoes before.

[beam me up scottie]

12. I am so sorry.

I felt my heart sink reading your post.
He doesn't care about you.
He didn't even care enough to hide his indiscretion very well.
Go to your folks and get some perspective.
Do not listen to anything he says.
Protect yourself at any cost.
If you need strength, there's enough for thousands of people on this board, use ours.

[Up2Late]

13. I say Give up, I did.

I haven't been on a "Date" since 1997, and you know what, It feels Great. Also, stopped looking for Casual Sex when I was 29, I'm 41 now.

Their is an old quote from a guy named Ashley Brilliant (his real name) that says,

"Now that I've given up Hope, I feel Much Better."

- Ashley Brilliant

[ronnykmarshall]

26. You are so right.

When Steve and I broke up, I was not looking for a boyfriend. I had the miss-fortune of living with a roomate that just got into a realationship.

GAWD! Try and heal when you've got two sickening "Honey, sweetums, snookums, pookie" droolers around. :puke:

I'm know that sounds bitter, but they thought it was cute and pulled that shit because they knew I was hurting.

I did the big o' ho thang for awhile. Then got a great job offer to move rent free to San Diego for an extended period of time.

Think moving out and leaving "Pookie and Honey" scambling ("Honey" didn't live there) to find someone to pay half the rent did more to heal me than leaving my ex.

Spending time alone is wonderful for the soul.

[Warpy]

14. Wait 3 months, get tested again.

and don't let him NEAR you without a condom. You may decide to forgive his infidelity. You can never forget the risk it puts you in.

Infidelity always hurts like hell, gay or straight. However, it's really his problem, not yours. You may be able to come to terms with the fact that he can't manage to be monogamous, even if you are. If you decide your life is better with him in it, protect yourself. Nobody will expect you to approve what he is doing, or like it. However, you're a valuable person and you deserve to live your life free of the risk he's bringing into the relationship.

[I Have A Dream]

17. I've been there myself...

It hurts so much when someone you trusted does something like this to you.

I'm glad that you're going to spend time with your family. Draw strength from them and surround yourself with their love.

You have a lot of people here who will be here for you when you need us. (I'm new, but I can already tell that you have many people who care about you here.)

If it helps, cry and cry until you can't cry anymore. Right now it's all about taking care of youself. Treat yourself the way you would treat your best friend if it were to happen to him or her.

After you heal enough, start looking for the man who deserves you.

(beginning of "prayer")(I ask that the Universe send you healing energy and surround you with people who love you and want only what's best for you... this or something better for the highest good of all involved.) (end of "prayer")

[getmeouttahere]

19. Nothing to add, just that my heart goes out to you....

so nice to see so many folks here offering advice, and, most importantly, support. You have so many friends you've never even met.

[Not Me]

20. You guys are great

Thanks for being so kind.

{{{hugs}}}

[Maat]

22. Hugs to you.

Please, go get some love from your parents (and you might take all of your valued things with you).

I know it hurts. But your family and friends (true friends) NEED you - please do not put yourself in jeopardy (healthwise) by continuing in this relationship. My heart hurts just thinking about it. I would not want my child to put herself in jeopardy this way, and I know that your parents do not want this!

I agree with 'Don't let him get near you without a condom.' I would prefer that he not get near you at all, but whatever you can manage.

He is self-involved, and he is the center of the world (in his mind). You are a pawn, and no doubt he will be mad when he cannot move you around any longer. It's about time he takes responsibility for himself. You need a partner you can trust.

Hope I haven't ranted too much!

Take care! And Trajan take care too!

Healing energy to you both!

Peace,

[ronnykmarshall]

24. I'm sorry sweetie.

Good news about the HIV test. I'm glad they have those quick result tests.

Please get re-tested again within the next month.

In the mean time, keep yourself around supportive friends. It's a long and hard road ahead. Been there, done that.

Just for fun, cut the crotch out of all of his pants. I'm kidding, but it doesn't hurt to laugh a bit.

Take care yourself.

Time will heal, and you'll move on to better things and better lovers.

[soleft]

27. ((((((Not Me))))))))

I wish for you that the worst of the pain passes quickly, and also that you don't give up on people and are able to trust again.

I've had some pretty traumatic experiences involvoing the computer, both discovering stuff and once leaving up an email about my pending separation that my 8 year old son discovered, which caused him tremendous pain and trauma. So I've been on both sides. Tho I've never cheated on anyone.

One thing to consider far down the road once you've given yourself time to grieve and heal, is that he wanted to get caught. Cause to leave an email open like that on a computer is just way too careless for someone who's trying to conceal something that may hurt his partner. So I hope you will be able to relieve yourself of any guilt you might feel if the separation causes him any financial hardship. That really is something he will have to deal with and it is not your responsibility or burden.

Wishing you strength, courage, and peace.

[kweerwolf]

28. My heart goes out to you.

Monogamy vs. polyamory is such an issue in the gay community and it seems it never gets talked about openly ... or if it does, it ends in a shouting match as both sides get defensive and start hurling words like "slut" and "prude" at each other.

I can relate to what you say and what you are going through. I went through something similar with my ex almost six years ago. For what it's worth, the pain and the anger and the hurt will recede after a while. For now the best advice I can offer is to let yourself feel your emotions so you can work your way through them.

But please don't let your experience blind you. There are decent guys out there who want what you want and are capable of honesty.

[Not Me]

31. Exactly

I don't consider myself a prude, and I am not judgemental. What someone does is their own business...until it affects me.

We had the talk, and the subject came up as recently as last February.
He knew exactly what I wanted out of the relationship.

I am pissed because he didn't have the respect to bow out of the relationship to fulfill his needs.

[terrya]

29. I'm sorry, honey.

That's horrible. He treated you like shit. And you sure don't deserve it or him.

Move on, honey. Ditch that bastard. If all he has to say to you is that he was pissed that you opened his email, then that pretty much says it all.

And be aware that you have some very good people here for you.

:hug:

[dsc]

30. I am so sorry

I hope you get over his lame ass soon. Clearly he doesn't deserve you.

[Not Me]

32. Monday Morning Update

First of all, let me say that I wish I could reply individually to everyone here...your thoughts and kind words mean so much to me.

I went to NY to visit with Mom and Dad over the weekend, and had a wonderful visit. Mom's being who they are, I am sure she sensed something was wrong, but I didn't want to get into it with them just yet.

Because of flight delays on the way back, didn't get back to FL until 11:30pm. I got home and he was in bed...pretending to be asleep. Just as well...I was still too pissed and way too tired to talk.

I went into the guest room and slept there, and went off to work early this AM. (He doesn't go to work until 2pm today...and won't be home until 11pm.)

The weekend gave me time to think things through. And yes, I have decided that it is over. I will be moving out as soon as I can find a place. It's going to be a little tough (financially) for a while--I wasn't expecting this, and Fall tuition is due in August, but I will get by. Financially, this is going to crush him. But that is not my problem.

It's not going to be an easy week...(I didn't mention that we have friends from Europe staying with us for the next couple days.) But I got a lot of good advice and love from you guys. It'll go a long way.

THANKS!!

[I Have A Dream]

34. Hi, Not Me. I've been thinking about you a lot and sending you energy.

You seem to have made so much progress in just a few days. You seem to be a really strong person; I wonder if you realized that about yourself before this...

Please continue to take care of yourself and don't expect too much of yourself too soon. Please let us know when you need our support; we really do care about you.

(By the way, I'm glad that you made the decision that you did. You deserve better and there are many wonderful people out there who are looking for you right now. The right person can't find you until you make room in your life for him. You've just taken that step.)

:hug:

[Brian_Expat]

33. Wow, I'm so sorry. :( Some thoughts from a "veteran" of this situation...

Finding out that a partner you trusted so thoroughly has been cheating is devastating. I know. It happened to me too.

The first thing to do is let yourself feel what you need to feel -- angry, sad, bemused, whatever comes to mind. Let the emotions work themselves out over a couple of days or weeks. It's important not to bottle it up.

Second, you've GOT to get away from him. Move out, or go to mom's, or take a vacation, or check into a motel, or whatever. Being around him will only prolong the pain.

The third thing to do is forgive yourself. Odd as it seems, I felt GUILTY for my partner's cheating -- what had I done wrong? Had I driven him into another's embrace? What wasn't I giving him that someone else was? How had I failed? Lots of other people will have these thoughts too. Banish them from your mind! If he was honest as a relationship calls for, he'd have communicated with you if he had an unmet need. He was likely just doing what he wanted.

The fourth thing to do (and this is really your call, but I'll say it anyway) is kick him to the kerb. No second chances, no "opportunities to explain." Just send him on his way. What he did to you is unforgivable, and even if you still love him, you need him out of your life.

I send you hugs from Great Britain. You WILL get through this.

And feel free to PM if you want support, or just to vent. You've got lots of good people here who will support you. :)