Gonna re-post this here from Lounge 'cause it'll probably sink there

[FlyingSquirrel]

Ok so I have a little problem and I'm hoping to get some advice from someone in the GLBT community. I'm a straight guy, and I host karaoke at a bar on Saturdays. I sometimes fill in on other nights, used to host twice a week. The bar is not a gay bar but we have a very diverse crowd that comes in and we like it that way. One of the other hosts is gay and the main bartender's brother is also.

Anyway, there's this gay couple that are regulars there, and they're kinda like family in a Cheers kind of way. They put up Christmas lights, ran a raffle on New Year's Eve, etc. I like them both. Problem is, they hit on me constantly (one of them much more than the other). At first it was cute and a little funny (though uncomfortable). Now it is just uncomfortable and no longer funny but I try to avoid getting openly upset about it because it's kind of a delicate situation, I don't want to hurt either of their feelings and I do like them both.

I'm tired of having to hug them goodbye and possibly getting my ass grabbed in the process. I'm tired of the one who is more forward than the other constantly making remarks and giving me looks, touching me when he's drunk (usually just before he leaves) etc. They know I'm straight.

I've started avoiding going there on my days off but can't really avoid Saturdays. Obviously at some point I'm gonna have to say something to someone. Who should I say it to and what would be the best way to say it? Any suggestions?

[dsc]

1. I think honesty is the best policy here

Tell them you like them as friends but since you are not into men there is no romance there and you feel that they are trying to impose romance where it can't happen. That should fix the problem.

[The Brethren]

10. Good advice.

I was thinking much the same.

And I pulling back and not allowing them to get close is a good idea, as well, to set your limits as long as they pay attention to what you're doing.

I use to know this other gay woman who liked to "feel me up", oh so subtly, every time I saw her and as she would hug me. I really hated that. It was just rude. I thought about telling her, but she'd probably be upset and make some comment that I was taking it the wrong way. Well, when someone makes a point of quickly sliding their hands all over you and your backside as a "hello" gesture, it's kind of hard not to figure out. I finally started pulling away from Ms. Speedy-hands whenever she would approach me and I would just say "hi" as I backed a foot or so. She looked very surprised the first time, but seemed to get the hint afterwards.

[queerart]

12. Good Answer!

(And I pulling back and not allowing them to get close is a good idea, as well, to set your limits as long as they pay attention to what you're doing.)




Reclaim Your Own Personal Space!


It belongs to you...... and it's yours to allow/not allow someone to invade.....


There will be hurt feelings... and the word homophobe may get tossed around a bit......


But in the end, everyone will calm down... and understand that there are "limits to the good nature of others".....

[Jamastiene]

20. That is right.

Honesty would be the best way to deal with it. Be firm that the groping stuff has to stop, but let them know you value their friendship.

[jimshoes]

2. If you haven't said anything about their

advances they probably think you're OK with it. Just tell them you are really not interested and a lot uncomfortable.

[AndyA]

3. Pull them aside before they start drinking, and explain to them that

you enjoy being friends with them, but that's all it will ever be, and let them know what it is they're doing that is bothersome to you. Tell them that you don't want anything to harm your friendship, which is why you're addressing this with them.

That should do it. They might be a bit hurt, or they might feel really bad that their actions were upsetting to you, but they will get the point.

[gaspee]

4. Ah

The age-old problem we women have to deal with from the time we are about 13 or so. What to do when men make unwanted advances. You must make it clear you are not interested. Try to be firm, yet kind. Men don't take rejection all that well if it isn't couched in a way that doesn't let them save face and doesn't make them angry. Though, being a guy, and them being gay, they are less likely (as I've learned over the years) to become angry with you than a straight guy gets when he's told no thank you.

I like you, but I'm not physically attracted to men should do the trick. If they don't get the message, you may have to tell them more than once.

As a lesbian (formerly bi, but I haven't had the slightest attraction to a man in 12 years, so I'm going with lesbian now) I've had to deal with this a lot. Or I did when I was younger, anyway, LOL! It really depends on the guy whether or not they will take the first no and give up. In my experience, having many gay male friends and roommates, one no is usually enough for gay guys coming from a straight guy. But, if you give them mixed signals, then they will have that shred of hope there. Like I said, make it crystal clear, but be nice the first couple of times, that it's never going to happen.

If they persist, then let them know they are making you uncomfortable.

IMO, this is the real reason men are homophobic. I am in no way saying you are - just to make that clear! But, again, IMO, men don't want to be hit on by men. They don't like feeling like prey. If it were OK to be gay, then men would have to deal with what we women have to deal with all the time. Again, that's my opinion, not scientific fact. But think about how uncomfortable you are and then think about how you or men you know have interacted with women in the past. Don't react, just think about it. How have women let you (or you've witnessed) know they weren't interested? What hurt your feelings (or your friend's.) What didn't? Now, if they persist, don't worry about hurting their feelings. You don't have to worry about them taking enough offense for them to get violent with you, like women do.

Remember that we get to deal with this since the time we are 13 or so. Women might be the best people to ask. Good luck!

That will be 5 cents, please!

[GodlessBiker]

6. Good advice. I vote for your post.

[TechBear_Seattle]

7. Five cents?!

That advice is worth at least a quarter. :hi: Well said.

[FlyingSquirrel]

15. Thanks!

:)

[swimmernsecretsea]

5. Just want to say

I thank you for examining the situation and not making a generalization about all of the LGBT community. Believe me, it's something I've seen a lot—someone gets a pass or asked out and suddenly they stop talking to all gay people. Their individual behavior may be annoying, but they are who they are, and you are free to express your disappointment with their behavior.

That said, I would advise you to think about it as if it was something they are unaware of as a type of annoying behavior. People have many reasons for the things they do. The could think of it as something you'd be flattered by. They might not be serious about it at all, and are just participating in a kind of risque banter. They might have developed this kind of attitude over time and think it's ok. I've seen some people do it as a kind of aggression, sometimes in reaction to being rejected in the past by friends or family. They may have the best of intentions, or they may just be jerks. I'm giving them the benefit of the doubt here, but I agree that I would find it upsetting and would be unsure what to do, myself.

Others here have advised the same thing, and I suggest it too. Talk to them. Take them aside when others are not around. This helps prevent them from acting defensive and embarrassed. You seem to have a good relationship with them, so being gentle and explaining your point will probably work just fine. Let them know that you are grateful for their help and their participation, and you want to continue to maintain this. Tell them that being hit on and touched is not pleasant for you, and if they continue, it will mean that you will spend less time with them. Let them know that you aren't angry and you regret having to talk to them about this, but the alternative would be to distance yourself.

If it happens again, then let them know that you've talked to them about this and are disappointed that they would continue, and you don't find it considerate of your feelings. Say this immediately. Any further similar behavior on their part should be a sign that they aren't the good people you thought they were.

I wish you well and I hope you post a follow-up about your talk.

[FlyingSquirrel]

16. Thanks very much.

I'll let ya know how it goes.

[sui generis]

8. You've been a big guy about this already for too long

Just say hey guy, that really makes me uncomfortable and it would make me uncomfortable even if I were gay, so please stop doing that.

Truth is, you don't have to be straight for someone pawing at you to make you uncomfortable, so it isn't even about that.

They just need their boundaries re-set - and you know it probably won't hurt their feelings at all and may make them try to figure out where else they're being inappropriate.

That's what friends are for.

[Ioo]

Have really bad sex with them! - So Bad that they leave you alone

Okay not really,

First you should be flattered, you are at least good-looking to have some dudes hit on you... I can't say the same...Gay men run from me like I have a 3rd arm coming out of my face and a 1" member. Thank god I found a blind man to love me (no not really, but I am not sure why he is with me sometimes)

I would make sure that you know if they are hitting on you, or just flirting... I am a flirt, but I would be a dear in the headlights if someone called me on it... Also, YOU SHOULD NOT FEEL UNCOMFORTABLE, you should be happy... I would be mortified if I was making someone uncomfortable, but this really is something you need to work out and I guess I can understand.

Once you are sure that they are not just being playful, take the advice and just be honest... if you are closer to one than the other, or you think one would take it less personally, just pull one aside and say, I am flattered, but I am not a gay, and while I am always up for games, I think you have taken it a little to far and I am starting to feel unconfy... Can you please respect my position as much as I respect yours...

You may not want to use the word position, but you understand what I mean...

Just be careful to not make them think you are hostile, that you are asking in a very friendly way to back off your ass a little.

[FlyingSquirrel]

17. Thank you.

I just really don't want to hurt their feelings so I want to be very careful what I say and how I say it. I'll let y'all know how it goes.

[jesus_of_suburbia]

9. I agree with sui generis, you've been silent too long. Tell him to cut it out now!

It's wildly innapropriate.

Tell him it makes you feel uncomfortable.

There is absolutely no difference between a woman getting unwanted advances and a man getting unwanted advances.


If he doesn't cut it out, tell the management.

[Zuiderelle]

11. I'd like to see you come back to your thread now and post your reaction to the good advice you've

received here.

I'm in agreement with a poster up above who reminded you that we women have had to deal with this our whole lives. If someone is hitting on you, no matter whether you are gay or not, and you don't like it, then tell them to stop it.

It's not a gay issue at all.

[FlyingSquirrel]

18. I'm glad I'm not a woman, that's for sure.

I know it's not really a gay issue but I wanted to see if there was anything that might be different in the way I should respond as opposed to if it were a woman doing it or whatever.

[SacredCow]

13. Agreed with others that it's not necessarily a "gay" problem....

And that the first step would be the honest and direct one- just get them aside and tell them that you don't care for being groped and that they should cease and desist. Just as anybody would handle a situation where someone was making unwanted advances- it doesn't matter what the gender direction and/or gay vs straight. And it can be done nicely and discreetly- no need to make a scene.

My guess is that they tested your limits a few times early on, and since you didn't react they (wrongly) assumed that it was OK to continue, and that you didn't really mind.

In my personal experience, gay men tend to be quite a bit more touchy-feely anyway (not an absolute rule, so YMMV) so they may not have any nefarious intent with it. But there are some out there (thankfully not all THAT many) who get a charge out of pursuing straight men (I know a couple of them). Even so, when told to back off they respect the boundary.

[FlyingSquirrel]

19. k thanks

[mitchtv]

14. I can add nothing except give them my tn

seriously, all the advice was pretty much the same : Let them know exactly where they have to quit.

[bluedawg12]

21. Set the rules. Take them both aside. In a nice way tell 'em:

No hugs. No groping or touching. It's your private space.

It's not a gay/straight issue, it's a boundaries problem.

I was sitting a casino one night and some old fart total stranger asks me what time it was and then grabbed my wrist to look at my wrist watch. I pulled my wrist away so hard he almost went flying forward and then I let him have it about never touching strangers, really loud for the over head video cams to hear too, for the record.

Not everyone's momma raised them right, some people are just clueless.