HELP! My girlfriend thinks...

[benevolent dictator]

My girlfriend thinks she CHOSE to be gay! Does anyone else feel this way?

Brief history: I liked her for a long time before we started dating, and she had always said how I reminded her of an ex-boyfriend. Because she had been attracted to boys her whole life, it took her a while before it occurred to her that she could like me regardless of my gender.

So basically she consciously decided to be in a relationship with me, instead of passing me up for a guy. She didn't consciously decide to like me, but she chose to act on those attractions. It's different from say, me, because my choices would be between one girl and another (not being very attracted to boys), and not between people of differing genders; she essentially chose between "straight" and "gay."

OK, so I don't really need help, I'm just wondering if anyone else feels like they consciously chose it.

[housewolf]

1. Yes, I've know women who have consciously chosen

to be in lesbian relationships. For some its for life, for others it's not.

Perhaps its an indication of bi-sexuality, when one can be attracted to a person based on the magnetic quality of the individual, rather than being locked into only being attracted to one gender or the other.

[mitchtv]

2. not I

Never had any choice, tho, I tried to be straight for years.

[kansasblue]

3. 1 to 10

I think Kinsey had it right in that people can be on a scale from 1 to 10 (gay to straight) and there are people all the way in between. I have male friends that almost get sick thinking about sex with women. And I have male friends that get that way thinking about sex with men. And I known people from every shade in between. And because there are so many shades in between then I believe some people have a choice because they set in the middle. And for that reason I suppose there are some people that are affected by therapy to change orientation (although very few) I know lots of people straight and gay that never had a choice. Their orientation was so strong that it wasn't and option (and can't be changed). And I also find that people project their orientation on others. In other words you will have trouble believing she chose because you never chose.

[mitchtv]

4. the Circle of Sex by Gavin Arthur

Late grandson of Chester, a short but interesting and entertaining read, where he names the types and places them on a wheel

[xchrom]

5. sexuality is a continuum.

there's 0 and 9 -- and alllll the points in between.

for some like your girl friend things may not appear to be hard and fast.
black and white -- but an interesting mix.

of course a lot of that is illusion.
when things are either or -- it's easy to say it's not a choice but when things are more gray we may tend to say we choose.

we don't even choose our bisexuality however -- it's more genetic predilection than we realize.

[Jamastiene]

14. "we don't even choose our bisexuality however"

I agree with that statement. I don't think even bisexuality is a choice. No one truly chooses who they are attracted to. Even science hasn't found a way to completely explain what exactly causes attraction. I know many people, straight people as well, who wouldn't have chosen the person they ended up with because they don't get along. Why people end up attracted to each other and end up together is so unexplainable in terms of science.

[mongo]

21. I think that there is an environmental factor too

I think that if we lived in a totally sexually free society, bisexuality would come to be the norm. People would naturally be attracted to one gender or the other, but would be open to sexual encounters and even relationships with the other gender.

As waas said earlier, sexuality is a continuum...it is just too bad that we aren't encouraged to explore that.

[foreigncorrespondent]

6. Ya know...

...I knew from a very young age that I was different. I didn't want to sit ad play Barbie dolls with my sister, I wanted to get out side and play cricket with the guys next door. Nevertheless I did try really hard to do what I thought my family expected of me, and lived my life as being straight.

After fifteen years of hell, I couldn't handle it anymore. I realized it was not fair on either him or me, and ended it. Now I am truly happy.

Every queer person I have ever spoken with have all said basically the same as me, they knew from a young age.

Given what you said about your girlfriend, my guess would be that she is bisexual. Not that that is a bad thing, because it isn't. But bisexual people are the only people I know who can look past gender and see pure attraction for someone.

[Boomer]

7. That's my partner

She's attracted to people for the qualities of character they possess, not according to their gender. I think "gender blind" would probably be a better description of the way she experiences attraction. Using "bi-sexual" emphasizes the male/female split, rather than showing that it simply doesn't register from her perspective.

I, on the other hand, really do make a distinction. There are very particular qualities that I find attractive in men (mostly physical) and others that I find attractive in women (mostly intellectual and emotional). But I've only acted on my attraction to women because those qualities are the ones I associate with a satisfying romantic relationship.

So, based on my sexual history I would be labeled gay, but the Xtian Right would probably get their knickers in twist because I actually find males quite physically attractive. Makes me a poor candidate for electro-shock "therapy" treatments....

[Jamastiene]

15. I knew too.

I played with Tonka trucks. I played baseball, basketball, and other sports with the neighborhood boys until I started to develop physically and they found out I was a girl. After that, I spent my time alone because I didn't want to talk about the same things other girls my age were talking about. Makeup and dresses were icky to me. I got over the makeup part to some degree although only mildly. The dresses part never kicked in with me. I still won't wear one of those. I always liked other girls too. I had my first crush at 6 years old on an older female student in school with me at the time and I never have had any inkling of atttraction for men.

[hippiegranny]

8. she is probably uncomfortable with the label

I can relate. I was in the exact same situation. After 20 years of marriage, I met the "person" of my dreams, oddly enough (to me at the time) that person was a woman. Since I didn't identify with actually being gay, I believed myself to just have fallen for the right person for me.

When we broke up, and after an extended grieving process in which I was certain I would never love again, I spent all of about 15 minutes trying to figure out if I desired my next relationship to be with a man or a woman.

I have been with my current partner for 6 years now, and I haven't thought of myself as anything other than a lesbian (one facet of who I am, actually) for 7 years!

[benevolent dictator]

9. It's not that she's uncomfortable with the label...

In fact, she's far more comfortable with the term "lesbian" than the term "bisexual." She just feels the term "lesbian" is incomplete because she persists in being attracted to guys.

P.S.
Boomer, she likes your term "gender blind."

[Nimrod]

10. Personality before plumbing

That's been my method of thinking for a long time. So I suppose you could say I choose.

I was raised to think gays were revolting and hellbound in the most extreme sense. Bought into it for a long time too - no kidding, I hated them with a raw white-hot hatred.

But what can I say? I just met this guy one day and did some serious reevaluation of my thinking.

I like the choices I've made.

[readmoreoften]

11. sounds like she's a femme who privileges masculinity over biological sex

It's possible that she's not femme in her personal gender, but I've known many femmes who feel this way.

While masculine females are at the top of my romantic compatibility list, certain types of bio boys are not at the bottom of the pile. For example, I am most attracted to (and only romantically attracted to) very transgendered butches and very boyish FTMs. Next down on my list are younger, androgenous females (By young I mean, 18-25) but it's mostly pure sexual attraction. Next, occasionally, I'll be sexually attracted to somewhat feminine hetero genetic males, but I'm not romantically attracted to them and at that point...who cares?At the bottom of my list is other femme women my own age. I have zero interest in other femmes.

In other words, I love me some butch dykes and trannyboys. They're the only people I fall in love with or truly, passionately, sexually desire. But, heck I wouldn't kick a cute college girl out of my bed and I'd probably go to third base with Johnny Depp. (Heh heh. I'm a grown woman and I used the phrase 'third base'.)

So if there's a genetic code for all that, then I'm genetically gay. Frankly, I don't really give flying fuck. I've been attracted to boyish girls since as long as I can remember. I don't much care why.

[dddem]

19. Umm, excuse me

It is my belief that the only prerequisite for wanting to go to 3rd base with Johnny Depp is that you are a breathing human. I question the level of sexuality of anyone who ISN'T attracted to that guy! Of course, my 14 year old daughter thinks it's absolutely gross that a woman my age (3 years older than Johnny Depp) would be attracted to HER man!

[sundog]

12. I didn't choose to be gay, I chose to recognize that I am gay

;)

[Misunderestimator]

16. Great way to put it. Me too!

[Jamastiene]

13. Sexual orientation is not a choice.

If after years of research, science hasn't found a conclusive scientific reason for attraction or love, then that means we don't know what causes attraction or love. I personally do not think that your girlfriend "chose" to be gay, or even IS gay, per se, but instead is actually bisexual and just figured out that she is attracted to members of the same sex as well. Not knowing that there are more sexual orientations than just straight and gay leads people to believe in the idea of it being a choice. In reality, this causes groups like the "Ex gay" ministries to spring up and harrass gay people. It's not good in my opinion. In other words, I don't think straight people, gay people, bisexual people or tg/ts people "choose" their orientation/gender identity. It's a simple misunderstanding of terminology. If you show your girlfriend a Webster's dictionary and look up the term "Bisexual" for her, that should clear things up. People don't just up and turn gay and if you look at the long term overall timeline of a person's life, you'll get the bigger picture. She may not be able to see past "right now". People who are truly gay are never attracted to the opposite sex in a sexual way. That's where the belief in a sliding scale of bisexuality comes into play. There may be some truth to that belief, but it doesn't help victims of the ex-gay ministries types constantly demanding gay people turn straight.

[mongo]

22. If this is true -

People who are truly gay are never attracted to the opposite sex in a sexual way

Then why do so many men marry women, have kids, and then at 40 become gay? Sure, they may have been more attracted to men all their lives, but that doesn't mean that they were never attracted to, or loved a woman.

I think what scares the fundies most is that sexuality is a continuum, and on SOME levels we do choose our sexual orientation - which is not to say that people who are gay could just be straight if they wanted to - but that sexual orientation is more fluid than just a gay/straight mentality.

[donheld]

17. I had no choice at all

I new i was gay before i knew what sexual orientation was.

[arwalden]

18. Well, I did CHOOSE to accept being gay.

And I did CHOOSE to not fight being gay. I also CHOSE to not hide being gay.

Maybe this is what your girlfriend means... I don't know, it's just a guess.

[Solly Mack]

20. "she chose to act on those attractions" there's your answer

She has the attraction to women...it's already in her and a part of her and who she is...she just finally decided to act on those attractions.

She didn't choose to have the attraction to you...she chose to act on what was already present inside her.

She's bi...and she didn't "choose" to be bi...she chose to act on it.

I'm sexually attracted to both genders ( and if that wasn't already a "known"..surprise! lol) I choose not to act on it (well, since I've been married, that is)....but let me tell you, the attraction never goes away. I still like men and women. I'm bi. I didn't choose it. I just am.

[La Lioness Priyanka]

23. i did/do consciously choose the gender of my partners

since sex/gender isnt important to me in the way it is to most people