Need a little advice on a transgender question please.

[complain jane]

We had a meeting today at work, where HR told us that a woman I've known as a lesbian for 5 years will be returning to work on Monday as a male. I've known her for these 5 years as pretty much an acquaintance, with the addition of she and I knowing each other were both lesbians in a predominantly straight workplace so we'd stop and say hi and make conversation whenever we ran into each other.

I'm surprised about this because I had no idea this was coming, but of course all I want to do is express support for him. I know I'll have trouble remembering to refer to him as him and his new name but that will pass.

At first I thought that saying congratulations was the way to go. Now I don't think so. After all, he's been the same person all along, the only thing new is my knowledge of how he should be referred to. So "congratulations" seems kind of silly, right?

If he wasn't already my friend, I wouldn't be wondering how to greet him when I see him next time; I'd go about business as usual with the exception of a new identity to refer to him with. But being that we kind of had the little quiet knowledge of both of us being gay all this time I feel like I really want to show him how much I support him because we've had that one thing that's kind of connected us that we didn't have with the other people at work already.

I almost feel that if I don't bring it up, I'm being alienating. Does this make any sense?

If anybody's got any suggestions for how I can show him I support him 100% without making an ass of myself and making him feel alienated or embarrassed by an inappropriate response on my part, I would really appreciate the input.

Thanks.

[demnan]

1. Just be friendly, and don't pry too much

If he wants to broche the subject he will.

[Fridays Child]

2. I think congratulations are in order. It had to be a huge undertaking--

emotional, physical, financial, and otherwise--to make this change. The fact that he had the courage to do it deserves your congratulations, for sure.

[bertha katzenengel]

3. I knew a MTF.... hadn't seen her for a while when one day I ran into

her at a cafe. She'd recently had her breast implants and told me! She was thrilled about it. Opened her blazer and kinda stuck out her chest to show me. I hugged her (because even though she was more of an acquaintance I still loved her), but I hugged her very gently because she was still in pain -- and told her that's why I wasn't giving her a really good hug. She loved it, the acknowledgment, the attention, the hug, etc.

Okay, now. But that was Sandy. Your friend may be different. I just thought it might help to hear of someone's experience.

I suggest you greet him like you do every day, and as the day goes on, just kinda feel out the atmosphere around him, see how he's doing, and maybe in the afternoon go over and see if he's up to a chat or receptive to your thoughts -- congratulations or whatever it is you need to say. Best of luck w/ this difficult situation.

(Sandy was in a very unfortunate position because of one person.... We were both members of a GLBT/friendly chorus. Our director was slightly homophobic (though gay) -- and we learned just HOW 'phobic when he refused to allow Sandy to sing 2 alto (which she could do just fine) and refused to allow her to wear the female costume. :eyes: As a result, she stayed only one season. Very sad.)

[sui generis]

4. be honest

there really isn't a rulebook for this sort of thing. Sometimes if you don't know what to say, it's okay to ask instead. "How are you feeling?" even though it supposes more closeness than may actually be there. He'll tell you something that you can take as a clue to continue (or not). Remember, he did this for himself, not for anyone else's approval or attention. Eventually the novelty will wear off for everyone and things will be back to normal.

[Botany]

5. You could out for a drink and try to pick up some girls.

If they are gay you win ..... straight then your buddy wins.

:rofl:

[enlightenment]

6. I agree that a smile and a warm handshake are in order

since you don't know him all that well -- pretending it hasn't happened may seem standoffish.

[prodigal_green]

7. Do you know what his masculine name will be

I'm going on the assumption that it is not Chris or Pat or some other gender neutral name. Use that new name in greeting, or call him Mr. That might demonstrate your acknowledgement of the change without seemy nosey or pushy.

I would think, however, that congratulatons would be in order as it is used for most life-changing events such as marriage, birth of a child, promotion, etc. I would think gender-change would be included in there too.

[complain jane]

8. Yes, we were told his new name at the meeting

and I'll make sure to use it.

I agree with you that this should be included in the category of things that deserve congratulations, and I was really touched by how many of my straight coworkers brought up the fact that they thought so too, during the HR meeting.

It's just that I feel like he's probably believed he was already a he for a very long time, and that's why I'm confused about the appropriateness of saying congratulations now - I hope I'm making sense about how I feel here. It's just that I feel like he might be feeling he's always really been a male, and that the only thing new is us knowing about it.

Am I right in looking at it that way?

[undergroundpanther]

10. I am a FTM

And when this chest is gone I am having a bra burning party with my friends. For me transition is very liberating,getting a hysterectomy gave me alot of peace in my body,To me transforming is a celebratory thing, for others it is not.

I dunno about the particulars of the guy you know but do shake his hand, welcome him and treat him the same way as when he was a she.Just remember to call him he and sir, and by his male name,and let him be himself. He's the same person he always was,He's just a different gender and closer to who he really is...Look at it this way...
How would you take it if he got say,an operation to remove his sick thyroid that tormented him? Would you feel this awkward seeing a thyroid-less coworker? Well his gender was wrong, so he had it fixed.

[swimmernsecretsea]

9. There are many things you could say...

and I doubt that with what you've written so far, you could be insensitive. Really, just acknowleding that you've had an ongoing relationship even if it isn't deep, and letting him know subtly by starting a conversation, is a great thing.

People who I've known who are transgendered have found so often that their world becomes smaller, and the people in it more distant. This is not even from being ostracized; good-intentioned people who wish to err on the side of caution instead end up making the other feel alone, ostracized.

I don't wish to compare it precisely this way, but so many times when people experience a major life-changing even such as a death of a close family member, others around them "don't know what to say" and therefore say nothing. Nothing makes a person feel less human than having those important events ignored.

Again, this is a rough comparison, but a person I'm sharing a house with just had major plastic surgery. She'd been looking forward to it and was delighted by the results. I came to her after she'd been healed enough to have her bandages removed and told her she could talk to me whenever she wanted to. One night, I found her in tears, unable to understand why she was so upset. After talking to me a while, she came to realize that she'd felt alone, that nobody had acknowledged her bodily changes, and she'd never understood how such body alterations affected her feelings.

[complain jane]

11. Thanks for all the replies.

I appreciate all the thoughtful responses. Thanks.

[applegrove]

12. In my experience - people in the transgendered community show

a great amount of relief if you give em a wink and a nod and look at them as a person. People who get attacked and persecuted for who they are like to feel safe. They love it when they can dial - down the fear and relax a little.

This person is finally being who they are. Like someone who was learning to walk again, or getting out of a bad marriage. Like anyone who goes through a difficult change for the good .. they may have fears about their future, but they should know they have nothing to fear from you. Why should they? They have done nothing to you or anybody else.

So if they seem frightful, help them relax. Empathize with them. Follow their cues. They may not care one bit what you think. Take the cue from them ... like you do any other day. Some people you have a close working relationship with - some not so much.

[xchrom]

13. as in everything else -- every one is different.

be as cordial as you always were and look for clues.

i can agree that congrats may well be in order -- one doesn't need to go over board until you gage his reaction.

he may very well be willing to talk -- but try to let him guide -- and show the kind of support that lets him know he can say something if he likes.

it seems like from your note that all will go smoothly -- and you seem like a steady person -- so i think you'll do fine and it will come to you what to do.

[complain jane]

14. Thanks. Now that the day's gone on, I feel silly.

He and I had spoken about taking a motorcycle safety course together, prior to this announcement today, when I knew him as a she. We discussed a good bike for him to start out on too, and he knows that I just bought a bike and that it's being delivered any time now, and how excited I am about it.

Now I'm off work tomorrow and Friday, and then I'm in training all next week but he'll be back to work Monday (and that would be his first official day in work as a male) so I wouldn't see him until the following week. I just sent him a quick email like normal telling him I'd be out the next week and a half for training but that I found out the bike's coming next week and said how excited I was about it, and added a link to some safety course info & said I'd catch him in 2 weeks, and that maybe we could get into the same rider course. And of course, I started the email addressing him with his new name and mentioned nothing else about it.

Which all felt perfectly normal, and wasn't any different than any other week.

Now that the day's gone by and I've sat with the info and let it all settle a couple hours, and listened to all your thoughtful replies, I feel silly. I just care about this person, and want it all to go right.

[Meldread]

15. Well...

Well, I've never been in this situation, but here is what I would do. I would be honest and say something like this when we were alone and had a moment to chat about it: "Hey <insert name>, I'm not sure exactly the right way to say this, and I don't want to come off as lame or anything, but I just wanted to say that I support you 100%. I think what you've done takes a lot of courage and I'm proud that you did it. I just wanted you to know that we're still friends and everything." And if it went well I'd give him a hug.

Although it would completely depend upon the persons personality. If they are a more reserved and quiet type person... The type of person that doesn't like attention attracted to themselves, I probably wouldn't approach it until they did. Then I would probably say something similar to the above.

[UncleSepp]

16. I think I love you ;-)

Your post and this whole thread made my week. What a sweet person you are! What sweet people all of you are!

/me toddles off with faith in humanity patched up a good bit

[complain jane]

19. Everyone where I work gave me the same feeling too.

My 99.9% straight workplace absolutely astonished me.

After the meeting, one (straight) guy I work (who I'll refer to as Greg) with followed the HR guy down the hall, and pulled him aside. I over heard his conversation. He said that he sees this person who is FTM (who I'll refer to now as Jason) all the time in our fitness center, and that he wants very much to show him how much he supports him but doesn't wanted to make sure he did it appropriately and in a way that made him comfortable. So Greg said, "For example, when I hear someone's bought a new house or had a baby, I would want to congratulate him. I want to do the same for Jason, but only if you think I won't make him uncomfortable."

The sensitivity and lengths that my company's gone to making sure that everyone treats Jason with respect when he returns as Jason has me feeling the same way about humanity. They had HR visit every department to inform everyone of the circumstances and to tell us that we are under no circumstances to refer to * as * anymore, nor are we to refer to him as she, her, etc. -- ever. And to please make sure, under no circumstances are any computer files or folders containing his old name to be left unchanged. And do not think that just because you know this about this person that you have the right to treat them any way other than with respect and do not ask him questions that are any more personal than you would expect Jason to ever have asked you.

Obviously this should be done, it's only common sense, but I'm glad that Jason has this kind of support. I know many others don't.

I think that the strong showing of support by my employer is awesome, and so very important. I hope they set an example for others too.

[readmoreoften]

17. Definitely congratulate him!

Tell him that you are happy for him. Tell him that he can count on you for support. Do not dodge the issue, he might read it as uncomfortability or a lack of acceptance on his part.

My partner is a pre-op FTM and he is NEVER HAPPER than when people treat him like a boy and call him by male pronouns. Really, really, make sure you stick to that. New name/male pronouns. Even if you screw up the name (I think new names are harder) make sure you get the pronoun right.

[complain jane]

18. Thanks.

I appreciate all these replies. Thanks so much, it means a lot.

[complain jane]

20. Just wanted to update this.

Saw my friend today.

He looks awesome. He's happy, he's confident, and he seems a lot more relaxed than he'd ever been as a female. It wasn't ever something I'd have picked up on in the past - it's just that he's like a new person. Kind of beaming inside. Relaxed and happy and probably very relieved.

I saw him in the cafeteria and this was the first time I had run into him since the announcement. I heard my name and I turned around and he just gave me the biggest hug, he had gotten my email where I addressed him with his new name and everything so that broke the ice I guess.

It was just so cool. I've never known anyone to do this before, and it's an amazing experience to see someone put everything on the line like that and make themselves so vulnerable to be true to themselves. Now I know it's a gift to have somebody be that honest with you.

Sorry to get all sappy but I'm just blown away. It was like meeting a new person today, all the familiar great stuff about them was still there, but new joy was added that I'd never seen before.

[Technowitch]

21. That's great, Dogfish

Nothing sappy about your post at all. I've known a few transgendered folks -- and it really can be like that, as if you finally get to know the "real" them, free of the mask they've worn for so long.

Your friend is lucky to know someone like you.

[FreepFryer]

22. Indeed - you're a good soul. Your support meant a lot to him.

Way to go - you made a positive difference in his life, with a tiny bit of kindness.

[Maat]

23. This thread is inspiring.

Thanks for the update, Dogfish.

Congrats to you for being a good friend (and for dong what is right).