Santa Speaks Out
(August, 2006) Exclusive interview with Theo-Celebrity Magazine. (Mods, this is printed in entirety by permission.)
Santa granted this interview at a time when his visibility is at a perceived low, though that could be accounted for by seasonal fluctuations.
Q: You are often compared to the Lord of the Universe. Does that pose any problems for you?
Santa: Well it’s a two edged sword. Just being compared to the greatest can be very flattering. And of course, it’s good for business. But there’s another side, and some of it is deprecating. It hurts a bit that there are some who denigrate those comparisons and it’s not fair.
Q: Can you elaborate?
Santa: Well you know He and I started out together, different territories, as tribal myths, told to explain the things that were great mysteries in life. And these are mostly told to children but adults like them too. So eventually, we chose different paths. I put on the red suit, and I went into the private sector, and he kept the toga but branched out into the ecclesiastical world. Went big-time too. But he doesn't do his own marketing, stays out of the public eye. So people don’t take me as seriously, and I understand that. It’s disappointing. Even insulting.
Q: What kind of insults, if I may?
Santa: Well one of the worst is this sort of moratorium that’s going on at Democratic Underground where nobody in the Religion and Theology Forum will bring up the comparison any more. Ironically, it’s usually the atheists that would introduce the comparison, but they understood me. I mean, take away the red suit … and a couple of layers of fat, but I could lose it any time I want to … what’s so different? White beard, supernatural powers, out of time, reward good behavior, except he just advertises that, and I deliver, no footprints, lots of points of comparison.
Q: Lack of exposure hurts business, right?
Santa: To a degree, but that’s not what bothers me. The theists all come back in the fall when they want their kids to behave. Some of the atheists take advantage, too. But what’s the harm? And the children benefit. But the atheists are a big disappointment in agreeing to go along. The worst part is it seems like a corollary to the application of Godwin’s Law, you know, where whoever makes a comparison to Hitler in a political argument automatically loses the argument. Well, they’re treating me the same way. Can you imagine? Now I’m treated the same as Hitler. It really takes the jolly out of you.
It doesn’t even make sense, the Godwin’s Law, I mean. What if the comparison is appropriate? Think there’ll never be another Hitler? Someone will try it again, because it worked. You don’t think the LOTU isn’t always looking over his shoulder waiting for the next tribal deity who wants to make his bones? Look around, there’s plenty of competition. Even that Spaghetti thing made him nuts. The atheists know that. That’s why I’m so disappointed that they’re not using the comparison between me and, you know, the big guy. I don’t want to sound conceited, but it is appropriate. He offers a lot of hope, but I deliver the goods, if you will...
Q: But Santa, though you have your adherents, surely they are not among the atheists. If more people are atheists then fewer will believe in you.
Santa: Ah, that’s the point, I’m an idea, I can do my job even if people don’t believe I’m real. I live by repetitions. An idea is much more powerful than the reality; ask Elvis.
Q: Yeah, like he'll show up for an interview...
Santa: Write it and he will come. Anyway, the atheists were giving me extra work in the off season. Religious arguments can come up at any time, y’know. Easter Bunny did well too. Now there’s a really amazing guy, Talk about productive. But he doesn’t do the publicity as much, candy and small stuff. Did you see my Lexus commercial? Toothie doesn’t get endorsements, but she’s been shunned in R/T too. She’s back to the juvenile circuit.
Q: So things have been quiet for you.
Santa: (Laughs.) Well, it’s never quiet in R/T. So life is quieter in that respect, but this is a busy time for me. Because of advertising lead times, I have to do my product endorsements now, way before the big season. That’s what finances the whole operation, and the savings from having no receivables department. Ho ho!
Q: Thanks for your time.
Santa: Well, it’s good to be back, I hope it doesn’t get too noisy.
;)
--IMM